Am I acting in retaliation?

[thislittleworldofmine]

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

Well quite.

I'm sorry, OP. He is emotionally manipulating you, and by the sounds of it, probably gaslighting you so you can't make sense of how you feel.

There's much more to life than this man's wants and I'd bet that you'd be happier without him.

Trying to see this from your husbands point of view for a minute.

He's in a relationship with seriously mismatched libidos. Presumably he has spent years trying to figure out how to solve this. Eventually having exhausted all other options he suggests getting sex elsewhere.

Initially his wife agrees, and he thinks he has a solution. Not the solution he really wanted perhaps, he'd probably prefer to be having lots of sex with you, but maybe a solution that manages to keep the marriage going.

And then you decide to stop what little sex you were having. Your husband is naturally upset by this, this whole situation started because he wanted more intimacy and affection with you, and instead has ended up with no sex with you at all. But he accepts it, because he loves you and wants to stay married to you. And if you don't want to ever have sex again, then this setup seems to be the best of a bad bunch.

Except then you tell him, that actually, you might want sex after all, just not with him. So now not only is not getting what he wants, but instead a poor substitute. But some other guy might be getting what he wants instead.

You can see perhaps why his head is in the shed a bit?

I'm not saying he's the one in the right here. He should probably have accepted years ago that his love for you isn't going to be able to overcome the lack of something he desperately needs in a relationship, but that you don't want. He should have split up with you when he realised this, rather than trying to change you. But he's done this precisely because he loves you, and you've pulled the rug out from under you repeatedly.

He's a cunt. Just saying.

You’ve made up a lot of detail there that you didn’t get from the OP, in order to justify this man being a massive hypocrite.

Once day he will fall in love with one of them and he will leave you. You should prepare yourself for that.

I think you have got his perspective down pat to be honest. There are a couple of nuances such as
I did make an effort on my side to bridge the gap and I ended up crossing boundaries and engaging in sex that I wasn't comfortable with to try to bridge the gap (this was my own self esteem stuff and not really having the ability to stick with my boundaries) but I did try. He did have some unhelpful reactions to being told no which I then took on as pressure but I don't think they were intended that way and he would become really upset if he thought I wasn't fully into something and was just doing it to please him.
I have done a lot of counselling and I came to the realisation that the sex between us had become so loaded that I didn't feel safe having sex with him due to the fact that I had very little ability to say no and hold on to that no (again this was my stuff not his). I also found that when he had been with someone else I really didn't want to sleep with him so if I ever have dealt with my baggage enough to have another relationship then I would like for it to be monogamous. I know I have a lot of work to do before I can be in a relationship due to my history.
Thank you for your perspective, I can see I was being unreasonable and hurt him deeply and that he has had the rug pulled out from under him all along the way.

To be honest, now it sounds like he assaulted you, so I'm rather less inclined to respect his perspective.

No means no, and pressuring the other person to have sex they don't want is highly unlikely to have the desired outcome. As I said in my last post, if he was that unhappy with it the right thing to do should have been to end the relationship, not trying to push you into situations you weren't comfortable with.

Oh come on 🤣

you’d be perfect for this guy, because his manipulation would work so well. You do realise that no matter how much sex some men are having, they just enjoy variety, and can separate their emotions from the act to some extent, the guy enjoys variety and wants an open relationship where he is not accountable to the OP for having sex with whoever he wants. If he loved her that much, he’d take the sex that was on offer and have a wank the rest of the time. He would not make the massive move to go and have sex with other people. This is a lifestyle choice that he is content with, and would be forever. As for why OP is still in the picture there could be many reasons, many men and women like the stability of a primary partner while getting there end away everywhere else. For financial reasons, someone to cook, clean and care for them, because of any children they might have, family bonds, memories/ habit, not wanting to see the other person move on, etc.

Both of you are to blame for this OP. If you hate the thought of him with other women, why on earth did you agree to it? If on the other hand you only feel friendship feelings for him, why don’t you let him go? You are no longer a couple. His passion and desire is for other women, and hhis a upset that he doesn’t get to have the gap filler of sex at home also, but guaranteed he is deep into this lifestyle now, and will never give it up, or choose you over his new lifestyle. Personally as an outsider it is clear your relationship is dead even if your friendship isn’t. It’s only a matter of time before he falls in love with someone else and leaves, so if you want to stay friends, you should have this honest conversation with him and face up to the fact you are just friends.

I just don't think I could stay in a relationship like this.

I guess from his perspective you agreed that he could have sex with someone else and it's not a secret or something he is doing behind his back.

You don't want sex with him (understandably) but you might like sex again in a monogamous relationship and it's probably doubtful he will want that again. He doesn't like the idea of you sleeping with anyone else apart from him, and if you did then the situation would be your married to each other and both sleeping with other people but not each other.

And then your friends, you like each other and your co-parents etc.... Why not just stop now while you are ahead of yourselves and part while your still on good terms? You could just establish yourself as a single person and as a co-parent without the relationship?

Hold on, he pressured you into sex, including things you don't like?

Then slept with someone else and you found out later?

Then you agreed to an open relationship but only on his side? Now you say maybe some time in the future might like to find sex elsewhere... and he manipulates you into missing a show you wanted to see and keeps talking about retaliation?

Lady, you might like his personality bit his underlying character is not likeable at all. In fact he's a very nasty bit of work and you, I'm afraid, need to wise up real fast or end up a subservient doormat.

Who does the cleaning and washing in your household? What sort of financial parity do you have?

How the living hell did you end up having to have sex with him and not being able to say no to what he wanted to do, never mind what you liked?

Did you grow up in a family where your wishes were ignored, or something? Because there's a word for what he's done to you, but at this moment you can't see it.

Unfortunately you're the only person who can change this situation, but you deserve a lot LOT better.

You’re being abused.

Is there a lot of money involved? The only people I know in real life with this type of ... arrangement ... are super wealthy high profile people. The wife sticks with it because of the lifestyle and the husband gets to keep his "family man" reputation in the business world.

The Op has found that she doesn't care for having sex with someone who having multiple sexual partners. Seems reasonable really.

The alternative is, if he wants to have sex with her, is to be monogamous. This is the problem with open relationships; in many instances is doesn't work out the way people think.

I think people are getting the wrong end of things here.
VimesandhisCardboardBoots was by far the closest to what happened.
The unhelpful reactions he had was just sulking and explaining why it was important to him and how it made him feel for me to say no. There are times where he might say or do something slightly retaliation like (but only like going to the show and only because his feeling were hurt). I couldn't sit with his feelings of disappointment and I wanted the relationship to work so I tried to have more sex and tried some things that I hadn't wanted to try. He would get the vibe that I wasn't really into it and would be even more upset than if I hadn't tried (because me doing things I didn't want was the opposite of his goal). He ended up not knowing what I did and didn't want and I also became unclear.
We tried to sort this out over the years and couldn't so we tried to see if we could make it work with him having relationships outside the marriage.
I have learned throughout this chapter of the journey that he is able to have poly relationships (he hasn't currently got a permanent other) but that I am monogamous. This wasn't my intention either but it is what I found out.

Both of you are to blame for this OP. If you hate the thought of him with other women, why on earth did you agree to it.

I can absolutely see my part in this. I did have a few wobbles when he first started having sex outside the marriage but I worked through those and I am now totally at peace with it and I found that I was not actually keen to be intimate with someone who was having sex with others - that maybe doesn't make sense but it is kind of like I realised it worked for him and was happy for him but at the same time I realised it didn't work for me and so I stopped having sex with him.

My exact words to him were that I couldn't commit to a sexual relationship with him because I couldn't keep myself safe. I am working on this part of myself and have no intention of having sex with anyone until I have it sorted.

I am now on the side that I don't want anything or anyone else and have a lot of work to do before being able to be in a relationship so I was being unreasonable and I will apologise and move on.

Um no, he is better off than I am but it is more a we are doing okay financially situation than a well off one.

Apologies I didn't intend to offend you at all RubyRosieRoyce - I was actually trying to agree that I can see that I am to blame and that I can see your point.

Gosh I’m sorry that was for an entirely different webpage 🤣

Look the marriage is over.

You want monogamy. So if you are looking to find someone outside your marriage, you actually be in a relationship with with the new person. Not your husband. If you are in a relationship with both it’s not monogamy.

You agreed to a kind of open relationship. But you didn’t really want it. So stopped having sex completely (your prerogative) but this means the reason for the marriage been open has changed.

You shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to. But you have basically told your husband you do want sex, but not with him.

I get both sides to be honest. But I do think it means your marriage is dead. I know so many people who have tried to the open option to solve labido mis match. It doesn’t work. It’s just an extra step into separation. You both now resent the other for how it’s worked out

you seem like an adorable and sweet person, even the way you responded to the post I meant to post elsewhere, that made no sense in context of the conversation, and was a bit aggressive as I’m in a heated debate. Apologies once again for mistakenly posting here as I had both pages open. Clearly he has a lovely women that he doesn’t want to let go, but he is not a lovely man OP, and it’s very natural for your sexual desire for him to completely die now that he has had sex with others. Whatever special bond you had has forever changed, but this could end nastily or painfully, so if you want to be friends (which you already are in everthing but name) have those difficult conversations with him

what an absolute shit show! you've allowed him to have sex with whoever he likes for whatever reason assuring him that its ok, its all good. you've now realised that you don't like this, so you have taken sex off the table for you and him, and now to make it even worse, you now want to have sex with other people as well?

why are you still married?

thursdaymurderclub · Today 19:47
what an absolute shit show! you've allowed him to have sex with whoever he likes for whatever reason assuring him that its ok, its all good. you've now realised that you don't like this, so you have taken sex off the table for you and him, and now to make it even worse, you now want to have sex with other people as well?

Yes, you are right. I have been completely unreasonable. We just wanted to find something that worked and tried pretty hard at it. I can see my behaviour has a lot to answer for. This is the exact reason we are trying to be friends as he is willing to give me this despite how I have treated him. I have apologised to him and said I was out of line.

She doesn’t want to have sex with other people though. It’s just the little voice in her head realising that things are now worse than they were before and she is losing him, it hasn’t solved anything apart from he gets more sex. She starting to feel sad about all of it and wondering if she can somehow escape it without being really hurt, and that if he’s having sex with other people, does that now mean she is free to do so also should the desire to arise? She is emotionally disconnecting from him even if she doesn’t realise it. She’s also most likely struggling internally with whether he has essentially manipulated her into this and how he would feel if he had to think about her sharing intimacy with others. She’s trying to figure all this out in her mind, because her losing desire for him is actually a cry for help, but he’s not getting it, because he wants to have her and other women also. I’m sure she’d still be sleeping with him, albeit maybe not at much as he would like, if he had not mistreated the bond the way he has. She may have agreed but has realised it’s killed their intimacy completely. If he had half a brain he would see that too, but it’s unlikely he will now want to give up his poly lifestyle, and he certainly doesn’t want to think of her with any other man.