Am I acting in retaliation?

[thislittleworldofmine]

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

But OP, the poly lifestyle isn’t for you, it will break you I reckon. You don’t want it, you just want him to not have to look outside the relationship to be satisfied, but he has, and he will, and so he isn’t the man you can trust with all your heart is he? He’s putting heavy burdens on you and it’s going to eventually really break you down emotionally. You are very easily sorry for things you don’t need to be sorry for also. You gave consent to poly, now it’s time to remove consent if you want to stay together, if not then end it and be friends properly.

Thank you RubyRosieRoyce I think this is my side in a nutshell. I have not intentionally set out to hurt him at any point. My intentions have been to try and hear and honour his needs and at points threw my own under the bus to do so. I think we have honestly both tried our best. There are financial reasons as well as an unwell child that are contributing to us staying living together. I want to make this work in whichever way I can and will always love him and get that I have been an equal player in where we are.

I doubt I'd be his type to be honest, a bit too on the male side to be perfect for him.

I have however been in his position. Spent 3 years in an almost completely sexless relationship with DP. I know what it's like to feel like you're stuck in an impossible position, that either you destroy something that's absolutely perfect in every other way, or go without something you need in order to be with someone, potentially for the rest of my life. And yes, it is a need for some people. I couldn't be in a relationship that didn't include sex in some form, at least not without something like ill health being involved (and yes, we've dealt with a year of that as well.)

Luckily for me, while DP didn't want to have sex, she really wanted to want to have sex, so we worked together to resolve it. And luckily for us, the resolution turned out to be really simple. Stop taking the pill, suddenly libido! Shame it took us 3 years to work it out!

I won't disagree with you that some men want variety no matter what they have at home. As I've said on other threads over the last couple of days, my Dad is the dictionary definition of that man.

That wouldn't work for me though. I'm happy to have casual sex or a one night stand, but only if I'm single. If I'm with someone, then that's the person I want to "be with". But I can't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to sleep with me, any more than I could with someone who doesn't love me. Luckily DP didn't want that either, and we managed to sort it out before it came down to the wire.

“I can see how someone could find that hurtful.”

Im reading this as though you think HE may find this hurtful? Please tell me I’m just misreading that and you mean OP may find this hurtful

Well I agree, I also would not want to be in a relationship where that side of things wasn’t a top priority. Essentially once the intimacy is dead or dwindling, it’s becoming platonic, and it means that the person who is unfulfilled naturally is in a position where they may be wanting out, or depending on their personality, will manipulate or cheat to get what they want. I do get that. I haven’t been in that unfortunate position. I do wonder though OP if what this guy is saying might have some relevance to your situation, are you on the pill or any other type of contraceptive that may lower your drive, or are there any medical issues/ perimenopause, or emotional/ connections issues? Did you once have a passionate sex life which dwindled, or has it always been this way? Have you taken the steps to address all this before just letting him go off and be with other people, and if you wanted to start afresh, would you be able to, now that he’s been with others, and would you actually address as a priority the issues that stop you feeling that desire to have a healthy sex life? Because it’s a huge deal to many, and it can leave a partner feeling very insecure and unwanted. I do not agree with his solution al all, but would you be prepared to work on it? I still stand by believing for him to take these steps it is the lifestyle he actually wants. He doesn’t strike me as very emotionally intelligent eithet

Luckily for me, while DP didn't want to have sex, she really wanted to want to have sex

This has been me for years. I really wanted to have sex but I think I wanted it for him and us more than I wanted it for me. I spent a lot of time thinking there was something wrong with me and that if I just tried hard enough I could fix it. The further I went down that rabbit hole the worse my libido got. I am not completely sexless but I can see it wasn't enough and I honestly don't think it ever would have been. He just needed more than I could give him and that is okay.

I can only read selfishness and spite into your dh actions. He can sleep around. Because it took him 18 months of suffering to come to that he wants you to suffer the same penance before you can be happy? But he supposedly loves you?
He's angry at you and stops you going to the show together. Goes out alone and slyly slopes to the show alone , and then to make sure the knife is twisted, texts you to make sure you know you alone have missed out, once more to make sure you are as hard done by as he perceives himself to be. Retaliative, at a guess, is a word he's eager to use when describing your actions op- it's a descriptive that fits within conflict. You may think you are working together and moving forward together, but it's clear from what I've read that he sees your relationship as a point of contest and conflict. There's no seeming mutuality of consideration or compassion.

Are you on the pill or any other type of contraceptive that may lower your drive, or are there any medical issues/ perimenopause, or emotional/ connections issues? Did you once have a passionate sex life which dwindled
The sex began to dwindle after having children - we had some significant stressors in our life from then on including one of our children being very unwell...I think time, age, life and now menopause have contributed.

Do you think that you are done with this relationship, but that you are very concerned with the dynamic changing, and how much that might uproot your lives if you were to actually split up, in terms of finances, caring for your child, potentially having to live separately because of other relationships? Do you want to leave and get over this relationship but you’re very scared of how that will look?

Because I’m picking up an undercurrent of that. I don’t know a single woman that wouldn’t want to beat the living daylights out of any woman that touched her man. Not do it, but certainly feel all the rage. You don’t seem to feel that, you just seem sad.

Have you taken the steps to address all this before just letting him go off and be with other people
I think I tried. I heard his hurt and perspective and really gave things a go. We worked with a sex and libido coach, read many books like Coming Together etc, tried me being in charge and initiating, tried scheduled nights etc.

Do you really want to be in a romantic/ sexual relationship with this man anymore, or are you just scared of all the changes if you don’t have that formality, which essentially is just a veneer, as the reality is that the relationship appears to be dead

Is that not ok to change your mind @thursdaymurderclub ?

Because tbh, I can see how, after agreeing to such an arrangement, your feelings about the other person can change. And then you dont want sex anymore. Or not with him.

Its not possible to ask anyone to agree on something on day 1 and then expect to still be ok with it on day 300, regardless of what happened in between (eg the dh not being as attentionate as he was before towards the OP)

We go through a lot of changes in life, he’s not loved you enough to roll with those changes and find other outlets that don’t include real life women. You seem to have done your best to try and address the issues, but did you see a doctor or just a sex coach? And do you really even want to be with this man anymore? Just think on it.

I had a lot of initial difficulty with hurt and maybe jealousy. I worked through it and I truly and honestly want him to be happy. I can absolutely see the potential for him to be so now he is getting his needs met. I am sad that I couldn't be that person but I am in a much better place then when I was trying really hard to be someone I am not. I do think leaving would be problematic due to the finances and in particular our child who is unwell. He is generally good to me and staying at the moment looks like the better of the options for everyone - except maybe him (I think really the only plus for him is that he doesn't have the financial repercussions). So I want to stay but I want to make sure that any underlying hurt (which I am dealing with doesn't influence my behaviour. I think it may have in this situation.

I think that you are scared of what life looks like without him, so you want the formality of a piece of paper and for things to remain as much the same as possible. That’s understandable as you are entering a different life stage, and have a child with needs. You need to have the big conversation. It’s time to end the relationship with as little fallout for your child as possible.

@thislittleworldofmine there is a lot of sadness in your posts. I can feel how you’ve really given it your best, tried everything to make him happy and yet still he still isn’t happy.
Even though youve neglected your needs, your boundaries in favour of his wants.

It also sounds like you’ve taken the whole responsibility for what’s happening as if he had nothing to do with the situation. It’s all about what you did, tried, agreed on.
Bit when you actually raise issues or make your own choices (like wanting an equal footing on the ‘seeing other people’) then all hell breaks lose because you’re not been fair/you are retaliating.

The whole** dynamic is so imbalanced, it’s insane.

He is already living as a single man. Explain to him that you don’t desire to have sex with anyone else, that your lack of desire wasn’t because you weren’t attracted to him, so you’re hardly going to be swinging off the chandeliers with anyone else. At the moment I believe you are both being selfish. He is trapped in a platonic marriage, and you are trapped also, where you can’t even have the hope of finding something new with someone who may have a similar libido and who’s solution wouldn’t be to shag other women. You’re both unhappy, but as you have the same concerns regarding your child and finances, have an honest conversation about how splitting up amicably will look, even if that means agreeing to live together until your child is at an age where separating your lives is more manageable

You think HE'S the idiot here?!

Just explain to him you don’t want to be trapped in a half marriage anymore? That you raised the possibility of someone new in your life because you don’t want to spend the remainder of your days obligated romantically to someone who is having sex with other women, where if you did meet someone at some point you had a romantic connection with, it would feel like cheating.

He sounds like a right arsehole. :(
OP, I can’t see how you wouldn’t be happier without him.

Of course you can change your mind.. and i would get it if the OP realised that they didn't like their partner having sex with other people and just wanted them to have sex with OP. but the OP has realised they also want sex with other people and not their partner..

i guess i just don't get the whole 'open relationship thing'

He is kind of dense though isn’t he? At the moment he’s living the dream and he thinks there wouldn’t be any emotional repurcussions- she’s fully withdrawn from him now, he’s lost her, and he still doesn’t really get it. Mismatched libidos, and if you’ve already seen a doctor and there’s nothing to be done, or you don’t have the emotional connection to want him- irs not going to improve is it.

means agreeing to live together until your child is at an age where separating your lives is more manageable

This is essentially where we are at. I am working really hard at trying to make sure he is not trapped and can have the freedom he needs and wants while still being here to support him where and as I can.

I get that I have been unfair and made many choices that have led us to where we are.

I doubt I'd be his type to be honest, a bit too on the male side to be perfect for him.

Shocked, I tells you.

What is it with all the blokes coming on here to tell us off? The OP's partner sulked and wanted sex (and types of sex) she didn't. Don't tell me he didn't know. And then got all pissed off she had the unwanted sex.

OP my suspicion is that if you met a genuinely generous and kind bloke, you'd want to shag more.