Am I acting in retaliation?

[thislittleworldofmine]

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

He's a pathetic excuse for a man and your heading doesn't make sense OP.

What retaliation? Just get away from him and breathe again.

Oh @thislittleworldofmine your post outlining how this all happened, and the sexual practice (it's a kink, a perversion) he's forced on you, are just textbook male abuser.

Sadly, I assumed - before you wrote it all down - that it started after the birth of children, and that you were forced into sex that was painful. And sadly, I was right.

The breast milk perversion is just straightforwardly abusive,. A sexual practice which causes you pain, and he decides that he "needs" to have sex elsewhere?

Please, please don't blame yourself. At all. Look up the metaphor of the "boiling frog." It's how this kind of abuse starts & continues.

If you dropped a frog into already boiling water, the shock would be so great, it'd jump out again (that's us reading your thread). But if you pout a frog in cold water, and slowly, slowly, raise the temperature, it won't realise it's been boiled till it's too late.

Also, it seems more than a coincidence that your husband’s discovers a sexual “need” at a time when your newborn soaking up your energy and attention - because yourDC is a tiny vulnerable baby in NICU.

It looks as though your husband couldn’t stand it that your attention was not fully on HIM, so he “discovers” a sexual kink which is related to - and takes away from - you child’s actual needs in order to nstay alive.

It’s as if your husband is jealous of his own DC so decided to commandeer tthe one thing that your DC needs - food o stay alive.

Its obscene.

Dear god, what a disgusting man he is. You were completely exhausted due to breasting every 2 hours for 2 years and he does this? This is abuse.

I don’t really get how you went from breastfeeding being his kink, to now he’s dissatisfied and needs to explore his kinks elsewhere, that would take some organisation, he’d have to find pregnant women who are going to allow him to breastfeed. So there’s a lot more to this that you aren’t sharing as to the things you don’t want to do, obviously you wouldn’t be able to fulfil that particular kink at this stage anyway.

He is the kind of man that needs to always be forefront and centre stage. Some men have a family and are active and present, the family comes first and things are adapted to, and a couple carve out time for themselves while both working together to build their family. It sounds like he didn’t give you the support you needed, but wanted to be an extra burden to you when you were sore and uncomfortable and struggling with a newborn, the breastfeeding thing was literally just his was of saying “my needs come first, I am your first baby, don’t neglect me or I’ll go elsewhere, however you are feeling right now, I am not in tune with it”. Go elsewhere he has, but you’re still not telling us exactly what he wants that you find so uncomfortable and can’t give to him, you’ve just told us when and how it all started- when you were at your weakest and most vulnerable.

I am not sure I even want to ask this. Loved drinking it , what from a mug. Or being breastfed??

I think sucking on it like the baby, which apparently some men do like, I suppose it’s very intimate, but if she is very sore and touched out and trying to feed a baby, he should have been considerate. I just don’t understand how that’s got anything to do with what’s going on NOW, as clearly there’s more to it in terms of his kinks, and the reason why he decided to get it elsewhere, unless he’s targeting local maternity hospitals 🙄 He’s just a really selfish man who seems to not know when to back down and offer emotional support. Relationships are give and take, this man is take, take, take. The desire to please and nurture should work both ways, and if it had, they’d probably have a really healthy sex life. OP this is not your fault.

I’ve read all the OP’s posts and I find this one of the most disturbing threads I have read in a long time.

OP, are you autistic, that you are aware of? Many autistic women end up stuck in abusive relationships because they want to be reasonable and are always looking to ‘own their part’ in a conflict, or do whatever it takes to make their partner not upset with them.

But your partner is controlling and sexually abusive. If he sulked after you said no to sexual acts you didn’t want, this is abusive. He wants unsupervised overnights with your unwell teenage daughter with situational communication disorder, who feels he doesn’t listen to her, and who is adamant she does not want to be left in his care? This is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Please, please seek help from Women’s Aid and the Freedom Project. This is not OK, this is not your fault. This man is not safe.

I've read some disturbing threads over the years. I've heard some terrible things from people I know.

This...this is just mind blowing. I've read the whole thread from start to finish, and I feel sick. This man is a disgusting piece of shit. He's a perverted, deviant, abusive twat of a human being. I can't even write anything eloquent here.

He's dangerous. OP, you've been brainwashed and I'm sorry but I would be surprised at this point if he hasn't done something terrible to your daughter. This thread is chilling. It's like reading about a famous psychopath "before" he finally commits the big atrocities that get him behind bars.

Please, please get yourself and your daughter away from this filthy, rank specimen.

How are you OP? Did you go to your appointment with Family Law?

I can imagine that reading the responses and reactions to this thread has been quite overwhelming for you. I hope you are ok.

While I’m not here to kink-shame, anybody in the kink (or BDSM if that’s where his other predilections lie) community will emphasise the importance of sharing / indulging in kinks consensually. You weren’t comfortable with your husband breastfeeding - so continuing to pressure you into this wasn’t consensual. Making you feel guilty with his “hurt” until you acquiesce isn’t sharing his feelings with you - it’s coercion.

Have you been to your GP about sex being painful for you? There could be one of many underlying, physical gynae causes for this. Ask your doctor for a gynae referral so you can get to the bottom of this. You deserve a fulfilling sex life with somebody that loves you in the future, if that’s what you want. I know you talked about this possibility in your first post.

To give you a comparison, I have stage 4 endometriosis and adenomyosis, so sex can be very painful for me around ovulation or my period. My partner never pressures me to have sex when I am in pain - or makes me feel guilty, or tells me he is “hurt” if I don’t want to. He’s more concerned about making me as comfortable as possible (which might mean bringing me a hot water bottle, or taking out our toddler for a few hours so I can rest). And to be clear, I’m not “lucky” to have a partner like that. That is the bare minimum all of us deserve - including you.

Have just read the full thread. Dont know what to say to you op, there is so much wrong with your relationship that you seem utterly blind to. If you will not leave for yourself, surely you must see that you need to for your daughter? Something has happened to cause her breakdown, something that she has heard or something he has said to her.

My father took me to one side when I was 14, said he wasnt happy with my mum and he wanted to get a flat for us both so that I could ' be a proper wife' to him. Never felt safe with him, never wanted to be alone with him. I knew I wasnt safe, and I knew my mum wouldn't protect me. It set me up for a horrendously abusive relationship, as I had no idea about boundaries and didnt know how to protect myself.
I may be projecting ( probably am), but be aware if anything has happened or even a difficult conversation that she has overheard, she probably won't tell you. Even very little ears can hear a lot, and a 15yr old will be aware of a lot more than you think.
She has told you herself she can't be around him alone. Get her out of there.

I am so deeply sorry that this happened to you, what an evil man. I really hope that you have happiness in your life now. You are not projecting, you are offering another perspective that comes with the wisdom of very painful experiences, especially as this young girl is displaying similar lack of desire to be around her father and clearly doesn’t feel safe with him.

Thank you, am doing fine. Been a long road but I have my son and a good life now x @ RubyRosieRoyce,