Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

What happened?

Feeling like a piece of shit is all well and good but not very productive. What needs to happen now? Is your DD safe?

Oh dear. Are you feeling stress from her atm?

Is she safe? Does she need medical assistance? Is there a caring adult looking out for her? Has she got somewhere she can go?

Those are the most important things to deal with first?

I've never had a good relationship with DD, she's always been closer to her Dad. Her Dad, my husband indulges her a lot but I think he does this because mine and her relationship is not good.

She's very demanding. Won't clean her room, help around the house. She has destroyed our new carpet by leaving curling irons on it, her room is thrashed, bed broken, mirror broken. She has caused a leak in the bathroom from leaving the tap on. She just has no respect for things. She is meant to be looking for a part time job but everything we ask she just shouts that there are none and that she doesn't know how to get one. Asked her to clean room her room and was told to shut up and when I continued to ask her she just kept saying ssh , ssh,ssh. This is a thing she always does that she knows I hate.

She was lying on the sofa and I threw a small remote at the sofa, not to hit her but as a warning. It landed beside her. She took the remote and launched it at me, it hit me. I saw red and jumped up and attacked her. She punched me in my stomach twice. Our younger children came in and I stopped. DD16 was distraught, I was shaking. DH threatened to call the police on me. They all stayed upstairs yesterday and me downstairs.

She is safe and needs no medical assistance. DH is looking after her.

If things are this bad she should live with her Dad and you should live somewhere else.

We are married and have two other children.

So it's escalated and got bad.

Obviously this isn't ideal.

What you describe about her behaviour (the row apart) sounds very much like typical teenager. Dirty bedroom, lazy around the house.

You might (all) find it helpful to get family therapy.

For yourself as well it is probably worth looking into ways of low demand parenting. It really isn't worth having a physical fight about getting a teenager to clean their room,

Are there other issues as well?

She was lying on the sofa and I threw a small remote at the sofa, not to hit her but as a warning.

I don’t get this but. You threw an object at it near her …. As a warning. A warning of what ?

You have to move out, that is what everyone would think and say if it were your husband that attacked her.

That won't be happening.

It's not about you it's about her.

You need to -

Apologise
Take a step back from parenting her
Get some counselling
Attend parenting classes/do an online course
Slowly try to build your relationship back up

If you're not capable of doing that you need to leave. Your dd deserves a safe home.

I can't imagine this happening in a vacuum; you're abusive and it's escalated to violence. If I was your husband, I would take her and leave and call the police.

There's an organisation called Respect which is for abusers, you could call them for advice on how to change your behaviour.
https://www.respect.org.uk/

There's also an organisation called Family Lives which can give you advice on parenting courses.

I agree with everything you've said about yourself.

I think maybe you need some perspective here.

Teenagers can be frustrating and poorly organized and lazy. None of these things is a huge deal.

I find it helpful to think of infractions on a sort of scale. Not tidying room /help cleaning up would be a level 1 issue to me. Being out "twoccing" cars, burgling, or dealing drugs is a level 5 issue.

Not knowing how to apply for a job isn't an issue at all. Have you tried helping her write an email? Rehearse a phone call?

You are giving level 5 response to level 1 problems. My view is that if my kid wants to live in a pigsty that's up to them. If they want some help I will help get it back to a better state but I am not doing it for them. In fact DD aged 14 and I spent last night clearing her bedroom ready for the new term, with some music on and bottles of pop. It was quite fun.

I am really concerned that you are the one who started the physical stuff, throwing a remote at her. You need to get to a GP to talk about your mood and temper. She is being a fairly typical unhelpful teenager and your reaction to this is off the scale. Are you struggling with her not obeying you? Are you very authoritarian? That is your issue to manage somehow.

It's up to your family what happens now I guess. If my husband had attacked my teen like this I would be leaving, I have to say.

Breaking up the family doesn't need to happen, mending this family does need to happen.
Firstly apologise to your dd - and everyone else that witnessed it. Then discuss family counselling for you, dh and dd. Make it clear you want to change and you want a better relationship with dd. It won't be easy but if all of you are committed and will accept professional help I'm sure things will get better.

I’m not normally one for ‘if this were a man posting’ but my god, if this were a man, they would (rightly) be told to leave.

You threw an object at your daughter ans when she retaliated by throwing it back at you, you launched yourself at her and attacked her.

You need to leave to keep her safe.

Call children's services and request some support from Early help or family well being- they can offer you relationship support intervention to
Build you and your daughters relationship. There are also programmes for Positive Parenting/ Non violent behaviour management

If you make the call yourself looking for support it will look much better than a referral from a third party ,
Particularly one of your 2 younger children's schools or if DD goes to the police/ NSpcc

You need to take accountability for your actions and put in place a safety plan to prevent it happening again

I have apologised to DD and the whole family. I have emailed for family counselling and counselling for myself.

I'm afraid I agree with this. You sound like the aggressor in this situation, throwing the remote- I'd be afraid if someone did this to me.
Take the time to acknowledge and address your issues. Don't make yourself the victim by wallowing too much in "I'm so awful, I hate myself"- there's not much space for change in that. Get some anger management and ask for SS help, and some counselling for your daughter.

you are not seeing her good side
just on her case by the sound of things.
you need to build the relationship
do you drink alcohol? is that the problem

When you say you won't be moving out it is worth being aware that your DH may have his own reaction to this.

I moved myself and my two children out of the family home after my then H attacked our daughter in a similar way.

He wouldn't apologise or admit any fault and I felt he was dangerous to be around.

Moving forwards, if you want to keep the family together then how is your DH feeling?

Be aware that if this is reported to SS there will at the least be an investigation.

Self refer to your LA for EArly Help

You've had some good advice in here already. Your lovely DD doesn't seem to be doing anything that any other 16 year old hadn't done at some time.

Cleaning her room for her might have been a better option but it's way past that now.

You say you won't leave. Can I ask why? It must be awful for the DC living under the threat of physical violence.

I had an abusive "D"M. If you want any kind of relationship with your DC in the future I suggest you leave and get the help you need.

I think you need family therapy. You also need to own the altercation so you can move forward. I’d self report to the police and social services and take it from there. There is likely to be interventions and support available from taking that level of responsibility and I would see it as the only thing that will allow you to have any form of functional relationship with your DD where currently your relationship lacks respect of any kind in both sides.