Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

DD assaulted her but does that not matter!

In self-defence.

What was she supposed to do, just stand there and take a beating?

No I have trouble believing that a family so entrenched in abuse toxicity can just ‘buck up’.

I also have trouble believing anyone could seriously think that.

I get that you fully support OP but let’s not change facts. By OPs own version of events, she threw the remote at her daughter first and she then went for her after her daughter threw it back. Unless in your book that meant she merely stood next to her telling her off, she attacked her daughter and her daughter retaliated. It’s there for all to see in the OP. So it was OP who assaulted her daughter, not the other way round.

IMO OP is making a lot of excuses for herself and attempting to justify what she did, all whilst playing the part of someone self castigating. Admitting herself may be a sincere attempt to access help, but I do wonder if it’s the purpose is to flip the narrative and present herself as the vulnerable one, that true victim that must be supported, rallied around, and forgiven. It reads as very manipulative tbh, taking ‘responsibility’ by not taking responsibility (“See? Not my fault really, I couldn’t help it! The police definitely won’t be interested if it ever comes to their attention!”).

Punched Mum in the stomach? Repeatedly telling her everyone hates her?

I'm of a generation that accepted being hit as a child. My parents were OK. My childhood wasn't awful. The police and social services were not involved. You might think they should have been; I'm glad they weren't.

I just can't imagine punching either of my parents "in retaliation" if I had goaded one of them in a fragile mental state.

Don’t be so ridiculous. OP beat up her child. Her child needs help and support too but people seem to be minimising this. Poor OP with her mental health issues - have you not thought that the child probably has mental health issues too and has never received any support for it? Maybe you should have some compassion for her child who has grown up in an incredibly toxic household and got attacked by her mum.

So you think the child should have just accepted being assaulted

Op is lucky she was only punched in the stomach.

Op started the physical altercation. The child has the right to defend herself.

The child has been brought up in an abusive households the child has mental health problems of their own. Why do you think the mother should be allowed to goad and physically assault her child, without the child fighting back to protect themselves?

I think the difference, and what I took issue with, was this wasn't like getting a clip round the ear for being cheeky, in her own words she seriously attacked her daughter and left her bleeding. If anyone was seriously attacking me, you bet I'd retaliate.

If you attack someone, expect them to defend themselves. ‘Accepting being hit’ isn’t a virtue to be aspired to.

Yes, I’m sure plenty of abusers have ‘fragile’ mental states. Convenient, that.

A clip round the ear might cause bleeding with an earring...?

As usual with these threads I think we're all projecting our own shit.

What fucked me up was not being hit. It was seeing my parents unhappy.

I hope OP finds a way to escape with DS and find a more tranquil life.

Reading between the lines, she has put up with a lot of contempt over the years, from children but particularly from DH.

She described the attack herself, this isn't projection, its OPs account of what happened. And realistically, how often do people exaggerate about an attack they've committed? They're more likely to play it down at how bad it was.
Serious physical attack, that's what she said.

What fucked me up was not being hit. It was seeing my parents unhappy.
Ah so if it makes op happier to assault her daughter, the dd should facilitate this? The 'happy mum, happy kids'..... trope?

I saw red and jumped up and attacked her.

The OP's words.

Does that sound like a 'clip round the ear' to you?

Actually, don't bother answering as you'd probably say yes.

Yes, it’s crazy how the more she’s shared, the more the people angry with her are depicted as abusers of poor OP, who merely and understandably snapped under the weight of their awfulness.

Does that work in reverse? If, after all, OP is justified in her treatment of her daughter, then surely the daughter and husband must be justified in their treatment of OP? Or does that only apply when it benefits OP?

There is a lot that is very wrong in your home. No parent should attack their child - but I accept that the level of provocation was great. I gave my DM some back chat in the 80s and got slapped round the face. No one would have said she had to leave the home. I knew very well that I deserved some level of punishment

The big issue here is your DH - he is indulging and encouraging your DD’s bad behaviour and attitude.

And why on earth does all your money disappear? That needs to change right now. The direct debits need to be moved so you have some money.

You’ve apologised - but there needs to be consequences for her behaviour as well. No child shushes me in my house. If DS16 did that to me, he would learn very quickly not to. But my DH would be in agreement and we would deal with him together.

The big issue here is your DH.

I'm so glad you're safe @Awfulmother1. My own DM was sectioned several times when I was a teenager, and spent a total of 2 years in psychiatric units. Similarly, one section happened as a result of her becoming overwhelmed and lashing out at me, when I was 15. I remember it being hard to understand at the time, but people talk a lot more openly about poor mental health these days, which can only be a good thing.

All this to say that these days, I have a lovely relationship with my DM. She remains on a combination of antidepressants and antipsychotic medications and has been stable for a number of years. However, if she hadn't been sectioned when she was, there is no way she would be alive today, let alone living a happy, steady life, with good relationships with her children.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, just focus on getting better, your husband will manage in your absence, don't let him rush you home until you're ready.

Oh how different the reaction would be if it was the DD posting:

Please can someone advise me I just don't know what to do. My mum has attacked me and I'm bleeding and can't stop crying.

I was laying on the sofa and my mum was on my case to tidy my room, I admit I gave her backchat and she chucked a remote at me, I saw red and threw it back at her and she launched herself at me and began hitting me. I defended myself by punching her twice in the stomach when she wouldn't stop hitting me, even then she only stopped because my DS14 and DB 12 came into the room.

Our relationship has never been great, I've always felt like she resented me and we don't have the usual mother daughter bond, she treats my brother completely differently and my DS and I watch while she showers him with affection and is lovely to him. It's been the same my whole life. He's never told to tidy his room or do half the things me and DS are and I admit this makes me so angry that I don't always do what I'm told and I do backchat, I feel like I'm pushed into reacting to how she treats me. My dad is always trying to get in the middle and often takes me and DS out of the house to get a break.

I know it's wrong but sometimes I get so angry at how differently she treats me from my DB I've told her I hate her. I don't think I hate her and I shouldn't say awful things like that but I don't feel love or affection from her and I know she treats my DB differently and I don't understand why she loves and cares for him more.

I'm at breaking point and I don't know what to do, I feel like I can't do anything right, I accidentally put my curling iron on the floor which burned the carpet and got shouted at for it when I tried to explain it was an accident. I jumped back onto my bed and broke it and same reaction. I'm terrified to say or do anything that might set her off shouting at me or worse, and I'm really struggling at school. I've been trying to get a part-time job but I don't have the confidence to put myself out there and chance getting more rejection.

I'm sure that's exactly how DD would explain the situation.

Especially with DH's encouragement.

Yes, because it’s everyone else’s fault but OP’s. She’s the only one, the aggressor in this situation, who doesn’t have to take responsibility for her own actions.

If course, according to some on this thread none of it's the ops fault, she has the absolute excuse of blaming her daughter 'look what you made me do' and she has her cheerleaders on here giving hugs and handholds in sympathy.

@DoreenonTill8 it's really difficult for many people to accept that some children are inherently unpleasant and employ very unpleasant tactics with the support of other adults. Such unpleasant kids are often created via mix of temperament and environment e.g if there are parental factors such as one twat parent and the other struggling with multiple challenges related to health and generational behaviour patterns.

I have seen this myself first hand. I believe very much in respect for children, treating them with decency and fairness. But the reality is, there are certain family dynamics that can be so poisonous and toxic and you certainly won't feel like you're dealing with a child!

What OP has done is totally wrong. She's owning it. There's more to this than OP just being abusive. I have and would again say the same thing to a dad depending on exactly how they handle it, how responsibility is taken and actions they demonstrate going forward.

Is she owning it? Because she’s drip fed a backstory that very much paints her as a victim, whilst depicting her victim, and her husband who right now is justifiably angry at her, as the ‘real’ aggressors. Even checking herself into a psychiatric hospital doesn’t read so much as taking responsibility, but evading it on mental health grounds. It also takes the focus off her DD as the victim, and makes her the main character that needs hand holding, support, and sympathy.

If a man had done the same it absolutely would be seen as the overt manipulation that it reads as.

If OP can blame her husband and daughter for pushing her to breaking point, then that should work in the reverse to. Perhaps they’ve been pushed to breaking point by her? If her daughter was ‘asking for it’, then perhaps OP was too.

@Pantaloons99 if there are parental factors such as one twat parent and the other struggling with multiple challenges related to health and generational behaviour patterns.
Ah but surely by your logic the 'twat parent' is only a twat because of someone else? They can't POSSIBLY be held responsible for their own behaviour?
You can't honestly believe one person is absolved from all responsibility for their behaviour because of their past, but everyone else is fully responsible?

,@DoreenonTill8 OP is absolutely responsible for her own behaviour. Taking responsibility is about acknowledging the fact you need to take action to change something rather than saying ' I will sit here and do nothing because none of it is my fault '.

Darling husband,based on the information provided only,sounds very much like someone in the other camp. This means someone who would not even acknowledge their own role in a problematic dynamic, someone who does not even see them self as abusive or manipulative. Someone who blames everyone else entirely and wouldn't ever reach out for guidance or support because they don't believe they have anything to be accountable for.

These things are rarely as simple as we like to think. We can all be pretty vile, the potential is in every one of us; it's about the right mix of this factors. And then most important, it's what we do going forward to take responsibility.

This means someone who would not even acknowledge their own role in a problematic dynamic, someone who does not even see them self as abusive or manipulative. Someone who blames everyone else entire and wouldn't never reach out for guidance or sup because they don't believe they have anything to be account for.
What like op?