Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

Teenagers can push our buttons. Her behaviour is awful but it's now come to a point where your aggressiveness and violence has escalated to the point of no return in your daughters eyes and her own behaviour is going to get worse as she feels humiliated, unloved, rejected and abused by you her mother.

Rebellious teens are awful, just awful but their behaviour is guided by an immature mind and developing emotions and of course, hormones.

You don't have any excuse.

It would be interesting to investigate with a therapist your motives for posting on here and to explore these statements: ‘I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.’

I wonder what motivated you to post on here about this and to show yourself in this light. You don’t have to answer on here; a forum that’s open to the whole world for eternity isn’t a safe space, but it’s a question to reflect on alone or ideally in therapy.

There are deep seated reasons for the way you behaved. Only once you have understanding and compassion for yourself can you truly change your attitude and behaviour towards your daughter.

I agree you need family therapy. There is no excuse for aggression, but your dh is not blameless here. He has not backed you up and has allowed her behaviour to escalate by over indulging her, so now she thinks she can do as she likes. You need therapy as a family, as you are unsupported and trying to navigate a difficult relationship with dd.

You say in your OP you're not fit to be a mother, ruining their lives etc, so why won't you leave? You are actively, according to you, ruining their lives but insist on staying. This is a terrible attitude. Do you expect your husband to leave with your children and be homeless, is that what you're hoping?

I caused a leak in our bathroom yesterday by leaving the tap on, our brand new bathroom that we both worked our balls off installing. My DP didn't hit me. I also broke a brand new wardrobe by standing in it, he didn't throw anything at me. And vice versa, people have accidents, its a normal part of being human.

Throwing things, hitting, assaulting anybody, especially your own children, is not normal or acceptable.

Abusers don’t leave as they enjoy inflicting control and fear, they then pretend this isn’t the case each time they think they’ll be found out. Its all part of their game.

You've let the situation build and get out of control.

Your DD is old enough to manage her own bedroom. Just shut the door and ignore the mess. You can control the rest of the house. You might find that buying her something nice for her bedroom/painting it/putting in fresh flowers weekly encourages her to take more pride.

You need to stop aggressive gestures. They are a cue for her to be aggressive. If this is a family thing, with throwing items and/or swearing and shouting, it needs to stop. You will find that it's much less stressful to be calm. This will take practise, but you will be proud of yourself.

Never hit your daughter back if she hits you, unless you or another household member is in danger: If you roll around with the pig, you get covered in mud and the pig likes it.

Don't be jealous or resentful if she gets on better with DH than you. It's fine and you should encourage them to do stuff together if they have a good dynamic. Dad needs one child to love him best!

Finally: your daughter needs more attention and loving gestures from you to show that she is valued as much by you as your other children. This is why she is acting up.

I do have PTSD and general anxiety disorder which doesn't make it easy.
Diagnosed by a health professional? What treatment are you receiving?

Your reply is all about justifying your behaviour. It’s never ok to physically attack a child.

I constantly get told that we all hate you

By just your 16 year old? Your dh? That's fucking awful.

My exh also turned out to be an aggressive and abusive parent. The physical abuse was aimed at our teenage dd pretty much as soon as she turned 14. He only got that one opportunity to hit her, after that I made my escape plan and took our two teenagers and moved abroad. None of them have a relationship with him now as the abuse aside, he never valued them enough to form a strong bond with them when they were growing up either. Sounds very similar to this situation. He also blamed me for being over involved in our kids life but I had to do that for them to grow up not feeling like they lacked love and care because he wasn’t bothered.

No.
What this girl did was forget to turn off her hair straighteners or putting them down hot. She did not deliberately burn a hole in the carpet.

She left the taps on and got distracted. She did not on purpose flood the bathroom.

You can't equate the outcome with the intention. Being distractible and thoughtless is absolutely teenaged behaviour. They need to learn that sometimes being distracted or thoughtless has a serious outcome, so they need to behave more mindfully.

If this were my daughter the teachable moment would have been having to help pay to put the damage right, either through birthday money or through getting a job. No need to start labelling the kid as a monster.

Would you say those exact words if it had been her father who assaulted her?

Absolutely.
Dirty bedroom, long naps?
We would have been thrown out of home, if we were just thinking about behaving like that as teenagers.
Another country, parents "silent generation".
Bastards.

It is exactly that, she came here looking for sympathy. Maybe even wanted posts supporting her to show her DD and DP so she could continue to get away with the abuse, her true self had been shown in the comments.

sounds like you had a difficult home life to refer to op.
please fix this

I'm actually in shock reading some of these replies and also your replies OP you're attitude to this is disgusting.
Just imagine if it was the husband jumping up and attacking a 16 year old girl.
Hopefully you'll be reported and then you will change your attitude about moving out to protect your daughter.

I have to say that I agree with @Borninabarn32.

But from your most recent post, I see that you have PTSD and other difficulties. What treatment and support are you getting?

At the end of the day, there's no escaping the fact that you assaulted your DD. There's no defence or mitigation for that.

But you need to show her and the rest of your family that you are determined to address your behaviour and will do whatever it takes to mend the relationship, while also being respectful of DD who might want nothing more to do with you.

Don't be surprised if she leaves home at the earliest opportunity and needs therapy herself for the relationship she's had with her mother from an early age.

You shouldn't have attacked her, you know that. Especially as a threat. Why have things got to this point, why do you wind each other up so much to the point you lash out, what help does dh offer to try and calm things down and help you both have some respect for each other. Let her live in a tip, its her personal space, stop asking her to help. Let her dad take over and look at family therapy. I'd go away on your own for a few days, remove yourself from the situation, you can't continue living like this, it's an awful environment for everyone especially the children.

You don’t feel bad at all. All the updates are a justification for inexcusable disgusting violence. I hope your husband does involve the police. It’s not his fault. It’s not her fault. It’s not your other kids fault.

You posted to get absolution and a disappointing number of posters are playing into your hands.

Can your daughter go stay with grandparents or other relatives for a couple of weeks?

How is your relationship with your younger children? How is your husband's relationship with them?

Not condoning attacking her but you already know that was out of order and have contacted people for support. Her behaviour isn't normal though.

You both need some space away and you can't leave two younger children if your husband won't care for them or if he treats them differently to the 16 year old. His behaviour of supporting 16 yo against her mother at all times is not normal either.

When did her behaviour become like this?

If he's a good father to all 3 equally, can you stay with friends or family for a few days?

Ah, another fan of domestic violence.

Lovely

This is disgusting and the sort of thing my dad would do to us. you need to go.

Well if SS get involved (which I hope they do given the level of violence you have displayed), you probably won't get a choice.

I usually agree with you, not not on this occasion.

There is no excuse for violence, but sometimes you can understand how people got to that stage.