Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

Hopefully your DH will phone the police and have you removed/arrested. I was brought up with an abusive mother and no one did anything.

Teenagers can be awful, rude selfish idiots.

You threw something as a warning, a warning you would assualt her?

Assault cannot be sugar coated, that doesn’t help anyone, as it stands all of your children are victims of domestic violence. Their father has chosen to protect and enable their abuser. Poor kids.

You are currently a danger to your children, you need to leave the home at get support, hopefully your husband will call the police so your children receive the support they will all need.

Feeling shit is a good thing, if you didn’t that would be even more worrying. However it appears the things you dislike about your daughter are actually the things you do to her.

You need to leave the home, get help, and follow the guideance and timeline from social services once they are rightly involved by the police.

No one is saying it's fine if she were deliberately destroying things. Or that it's unreasonable to be upset and even punish her for it.

But when it's a violently abusive mother giving us vague examples of things that could absolutely be accidental damage, excuse us for not thinking that's the big issue here. And even if she were doing it deliberately, she’s still a child being physically abused by her parent and that’s a much more serious issue that needs resolving more than her bad behaviour.

if her bed and her mirror are broken can you at least fix them?

Sounds like self-defence from her mother attacking her.

There is never an excuse for a parent to attack their child.

What you describe about her behaviour (the row apart) sounds very much like typical teenager. Dirty bedroom, lazy around the house

I'm always baffled by how so many people have such incredibly low standards for their teens and brand all kinds of awful behaviour as 'normal'.

Op said she won't clean her room or help. That she's trashed her room, broken furniture, destroyed carpets, flooded the bathroom. Shouts. Tells her parents to shut up and shushes them.

This isn't normal behaviour at all. It's fucking awful behaviour and you (general you) are a total mug if you placidly accept this kind of crap.

If my 16 year old point blank told me no to cleaning his room or told me to shut up he wouldn't have any phone or WiFi access and wouldn't see the light of day for a month except for college. As he well knows. So he never has.

There are no excuses here. At the least you need to take responsibility for your actions.

You threw a remote at her - she threw one back. Then because her remote hit you, you attacked her. That's 100% on you.

Even if she had 'started it', you're the adult, she's a child.

You are extremely lucky nobody called the police because they really should have done.

The only way to try and get your life back on track now is to take yourself away from the family home and take steps to work on yourself - see your GP, get counselling, whatever. Surely you can see you can't just carry on this way?

My grandmother, when riled by one of her numerous children, was prone to throwing a poker at the reccalcitrant child! They all grew up with excellent reflexes and productive lives. I'm sure she would never have thought of self-reporting herself to the police. She certainly didn't think of leaving the family house. There seems to be a lot of middle-class wokeness on this thread.

I agree with the poster that said your reaction is a 'level 5' reaction to 'level 1' issues. Several of the annoying things that we did as teenagers (broke a light, a door handle, nail polish on the new coffee table) are things that my parents and I laugh about now. Not saying they found it particularly funny at the time, but overreacting wouldn't have fixed anything but would have harmed our relationship.

Sometimes it's teenagers verbal responses that can annoy us the most; to this I would say try and walk away and approach the situation a little later on. When your daughter shushes you, continue to talk in a stern, calm voice and ignore if she shouts/is rude.

What has she done so far to try and get a part-time job? What have you/your husband done to help her? Teenagers are still children at the end of the day and need a lot more help than we realise (or they will let on).

Maybe she punched her own mother in the stomach because her mother is violently abusive and attacked her to the point she was left bleeding?

Absolutely disgusting that you think the daughter is an equal or bigger problem than the parent abusing her.

This a teenager who's destroying things eg new carpet and water damage.
My daughters are messy and have done both of the above. It was an accident. I've burnt a new carpet with an iron before. I don't think it was deliberate. Just normal. Accidents happen.

Don't report yourself to ss or move out . People on here go straight to divorce,leave ,police.
Everything is very black and white .
She is 16 not 6 and it sounds like a one off not continued abuse .
Obviously she should not have done it . No-one is saying that .
But communication and re building her relationship with her child is better in the long run.

So people who don’t physically assault their children are middle class and woke, yet you seem to be suggesting this is an insult. Do you subject your own children to domestic violence?

She was lying on the sofa and I threw a small remote at the sofa, not to hit her but as a warning.

This really scares me for some reason. A warning for what? That you were going to hurt her or attack her?

Be honest - have you hit her or your other children before? Episodes like the one you describe rarely come from nowhere.

I also find it interesting when you say you "won't be" leaving. I hope your DH doesn't give you an option here. You shouldn't be around any of your children.

Would you be saying the same thing if a husband did the same to his wife?

Then you clearly don't actually care. All the "I'm an unfit mother, I'm awful, I'm ruining their lives, I feel terrible" is just narcissistic, poor me, bullshit.

Your family are hiding from you upstairs, you've physically assaulted your child, your husband is threatening to call the police but "its my house I'm not going anywhere".

Some of the responses on here are staggering. Justifying a parent attacking a child because she's a woman and their can't do as much damage as a man. The OP is attempting to massively minimise what she had done by all the I'm a piece of shit and anyway here's a list of all the reasons why my daughter deserved it. Classic abuser response. OP stop the self pity and victim blaming, get off MN and get help. Your behaviour was wrong and i find it incredibly hard to believe this has come from nowhere.

So its okay to assault your child if they’re 16? If your sixteen year old was physically assaulted would force them to live with their abuser?

Hopefully the neighbours heard and will report you. Or your other children will disclose something at school.

You where right it your OP. This post just seems like you are trying to justify it and blame it on your DD and her dad rather than take accountability.
You are abusive. You should leave the family home as it is not safe for your children. You shouldn't return until you have worked through your abusive behaviours and anger issues. First step is taking full accountability.
It sounds like your daughter is being scapegoated, when she leaves the home you will move on to abuse another DC or your partner unless you deal with your issues.
Attacking anyone is wrong, never mind your own child.

*So it's escalated and got bad.

Obviously this isn't ideal.*

Mumsnet double standards at its best here

If the dad had done this the poster would be advised to call the police and pack their bags and not look back

Why should it be any different because the OP is the mother?

People will flame me for this, but I used another tactic on one of mine who sounded quite similar at that age. Bedroom was like an absolute hovel, I was fearful of pest infestation and ruined flooring etc. Speaking to them got nowhere other than WW3 so I ended up just waiting until I knew they’d be out for a few hours straight then got into their room with trash bags on a routine basis. Brought out all filthy plates, cups, glasses etc, took out all dirty washing, tidied it up.

They would come home and we would both pretend I hadn’t done it, nothing was ever said. It did however prevent the sort of escalation you have described. They eventually grew out of this repulsive phase and acted like a normal human and took responsibility for things and showed care and respect but it took them a lot longer than my others and none of my others were as deeply piggy as that even at their worst. So, while I shouldn’t have ‘had to do it’ by doing it, it saved me killing them or it devolving into some altercation such as the one OP describes and it didn’t mean they could never do this for themselves.

My DH will take her side. He nearly gave her permission to get a tattoo when we were on holiday. I'm always the one enforcing rules, he's the fun parent. I feel like I constantly shout and I'm miserable a lot of the time. I do have PTSD and general anxiety disorder which doesn't make it easy.

It's the lack of respect for our home that upsets me. She never apologises, just says relax or ssshh.

DH immediate reaction was to call the police but he didn't. He said DD needs time before she can speak to me.

I have no support at all. My father is dead and my mother has been in and out of my life. I've no friends or other family to turn too. I became a SAHM after my second child as DH refused to change his work arrangements or cut back on his hobbies so as I could work. I had three under four with no help but to the outside world my DH is fantastic. The kids think that too. I constantly get told that we all hate you.

For somebody else who asked about drink, no I'm not a drinker. I grew up with addictions in my family.

It might have to when you are reported to the police and they arrest you and bail you to stay elsewhere. It's usually the father who assaults the child but I assure you the police won't discriminate.

Except someone should be advising your husband that this is a non negotiable. You attacked her. She is not safe in her own home. If he’s a good parent, which you are not at the moment, he should be doing everything in his power to safeguard her. She is a child.

If your DH did this and you were asking what to do everyone would say call the police.

you need to apologise and move out to safeguard her, and realistically to stop yourself doing something worse. You then need to get help. Counselling, anger management etc etc. by then she will be an adult and make her own decision as to whether she wants a relationship.