Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

Do you think you have resentment towards your husband? That he prioritises your daughter’s needs over yours? That he doesn’t back you up when you ask DD for help/compliance?
Im not condoning what you did but you have got to the stage of violence, which you know is never acceptable.
You need to take a serious hard look at yourself and ask why you reacted the way you did.
Im not having a go, just trying to get you to look at what has caused the escalation and whether it’s your daughter or your husband that you are truly angry with.

From what op has put the dh would sooner let his dw stay than pick up the slack.

@Awfulmother1 I assume you are not a team. Your dh sounds like a selfish man and is happy to let you be the bad cop whilst he plays good cop.
I think you should leave, not because of what you’ve done, though it was pretty bad, but so your family can experience what it’s like to have to actually get off their backsides and keep the home running.

Your violent reaction seems to me like a dog who’s been kicked every day for years and has finally bitten back. The 16 year old knew she was goading you and didn’t expect you to bite back.
Please for your own sanity get a job, find a flat and see the dc end of week. Let Disney dad live up to his title.
And get some therapy. You cannot attack people especially dc.

As hard as all that sounds, none of it is a reason to attack your daughter.

If a man came on here and said "well, I had a tough upbringing and my wife doesn't support me" he'd (rightly) get his arse handed to him and he'd be getting absolutely none of the sympathy you seem to be receiving.

If you're not happy in your marriage or with being a SAHM then you do something about it, you don't attack your 16 year old child and throw things at her as a "warning"

I think you actually need to look at the route of the problem. Why has your relationship always been bad, and what do you mean as bad? What do you mean your DH indulges her, in what way? What dose he feel he needs to make up for your bad relationship, how is she missing out? What’s the difference between her and your other children?

This situation sounds very much like my childhood, there were many incidences like this. I had a “bad” relationship with my mother from the moment I was born, it was always my fault. This difference here is your DH actually looks like her has your DDs back unlike my DF.

I think you need to look at why you feel so strongly about your DD and look at whether this is normal or not.

I constantly get told that we all hate you.

Who tells you this, @Awfulmother1?

The kids, your h?

If this is true, no wonder things became too much.

What will happen is that the kids will return to school next week…..one or more of them will tell a teacher what happened ( maybe even quite innocently) ….it will then be reported to the MASH ……..better to self refer yourself now OP to early help rather than wait for the inevitable

You have no concept of how Social Work operates if you think that. This is a 16 year old, a one off incident. Not a regularly hit 5 year old.

Social Work don't split up families for a single incident, they use mediation and family counselling.

OP maybe you should talk to a doctor about your anger you are struggling to control. How is your mental health generally ?

This jumped out at me too.

OP, what if you left them all to it? Could you create a happier life for yourself elsewhere?

OP, it sounds like a horrible situation and the assault was completely unnecessary. Question is what are you going to do to stop this happening again? You need some help. Teenagers can push buttons, yours clearly knows how to push yours; but assaulting them is absolutely not on, as you know. The whole situation with her dad spoiling her sounds stressful and no doubt contributes to a poor relationship with you. I do think you should think carefully about getting away from the house for a couple of days. Please get some help.

I’m pretty sure that’s you excusing violence.

Yeah I have to agree with this. The DD's behaviour sounds very poor, but still she is not to blame for being attacked.

That's victim blaming.

OP you have a lot of work to do on yourself. You need to apologise unreservedly to your daughter and tell her what actions you are going to take to ensure this never happens again.

I suggest a parenting course - councils usually run them for free

Some treatment for your PTSD - have you tried EMDR

Ongoing counselling

I would speak to a charity that can help

It sounds like your DH has been very permissive and it's created a you Vs them environment in your home. That's difficult to fix while you're still together. You could possibly try family counselling or dyad counselling with you and your DD only.

I know who you are.
I don't care what YOU think.

I agree I think that taking time out of being the dogsbody in the family is the best course of action for you as much as them

do you have access to money?

and now they are older to find yourself a job

No chance she's repeating what her husband constantly tells her?

No concern that husband sides with 16 yo against mother all the time? No concern that 16yo acts out so much that she has broken her bed and mirror specifically? No concern that she treats her mother with such disrespect while OPs husband doesn't correct this behaviour but supports it?

You should move out until you’ve got more control over your anger (via counselling or therapy). You could end up having to do so if SS get involved and it might give you a bit of distance from the situation. And time to work on repairing the relationship.

She must have been absolutely terrified and she’ll have lost the trust in you, ditto the other kids. They probably need some space away from you too.

In the future you need to work out how not to get into those situations with her all the time. Personally I’d be taking a step back if she’s that age- as long as she doesn’t mess the rest of the house up too much, let her room be a pit. If she won’t work, fine, but don’t give give a big allowance/ nice phone/ laptop. If she shushes you, walk away. Never ever throw anything. Something has gone very wrong here so you need to stop the patterns of of behaviour.

my mother has been in and out of my life.

I would have put money on you having a dysfunctional relationship with your mother.

No excuses, you don’t assault the people that you love.

In our house you would have been gone the moment that this happened.

Absolutely this ^

There is NEVER an excuse for physically assaulting someone but especially a child.

Sorry, read more of your comments. It will be your PTSD that's causing the anger issues. You really should see a doctor about this

This is a very toxic situation. I agree with PPs who say you should move out to protect your DD.

It will also be good for you. Space to get therapy to address your issues.

Move out for your children's sake. The environment in their home is terrible.

Get a job.

Get therapy.

Then you might have a chance of a relationship with your children.

It doesn't sound like your marriage is worth saving, tbh. Your husband is neither supportive nor caring. But if you want to try saving it then marriage counselling once you've made progress in individual therapy.

In what way can you understand a parent assaulting their daughter, some the description quite seriously, and scaring the rest of the children so much they’re having to hide upstairs in what should be a safe space.

Saying you won’t be leaving is a bit controlling, the bare minimum you should be doing is leaving for a few days to let your daughter (the victim in this!) sort her head out and get her head round what has happened. It’s shit that a carpet got ruined, but this does not in any way justify violence!
When I lived with my parents I dropped coloured hair dye all over the carpet on the landing. They didn’t have the money to replace it, my mom said she was disappointed and I was more careful in future- she didn’t throw things at me or hit me. As an adult, I flooded the bathroom and it came through the living room ceiling as I started the taps running and got distracted (ADHD brain). My husband had to sort it all out, dry the ceiling out, check the lights still worked and deal with it. He was annoyed (rightly so!) but he didn’t throw anything at me or hit me.

When you got pissed off you could have gone out to calm down and get some air, but you didn’t. You’re the adult and need to set a good example even if it feels like your daughter just lives to wind you up.

I get it, teenagers are lazy and untidy (I’ve found many a mouldy mug of milk in my stepchild’s room, and a pile of rubbish thrown under the bed whenever I go in and tidy). You kind of just have to ride it out and know it’ll pass and maybe go in and offer to help with a bin bag every so often. Nothing you’ve said your daughter does seems like anything exceptionally shocking for a teen, frustrating as that is when you’re the one tidying up or receiving the sass.

When we have kids we have to take the bits of our childhood that didn’t work (in your case, you said you didn’t have ideal home life growing up) - it’s your job to change that for your child and not continue the cycle of trauma by foisting it on your own kids and continuing the cycle of abuse. The first thing you can do is get away for a couple of days and let your daughter have some space after what you’ve done to her.