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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners family won’t accept me

340 replies

FlowerKL · 29/08/2024 09:35

I met my partner at work last year. Our situation is slightly complicated in that he was married and his wife was pregnant. They ended up splitting up before the baby was born and we left things for a couple of months and then started seeing each other regularly once the baby was born.

The problem now is his family won’t accept me. He’s recently moved in with me and my son, but his parents won’t have anything to do with me and I’m not welcome.

I know the timing of us getting together is bad, I feel bad about it but we fell in love and they are now divorced.
I don’t know how to manage the situation, he was very close to his family. He is happy to support me and stay together, even if it means losing his family in the meantime. Will things settle over time? Is there anything that I can do to try to make amends?

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 29/08/2024 09:37

Good for them

Bananalanacake · 29/08/2024 09:38

No, don't interfere with his family at all, cut them off.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 29/08/2024 09:39

You were the other woman, however you dress it up. At the very least he was having an emotional affair.

As far as his family are concerned, you're at least partially responsible for your scumbag boyfriend leaving his pregnant wife.

They're never going to like you, there's no point trying to change that.

K0OLA1D · 29/08/2024 09:40

I'd have a hard time accepting you too, if it was my DB and you were the OW

MayaPinion · 29/08/2024 09:41

Yeah, they’re not going to accept you. You can understand why.

Worldofflowers · 29/08/2024 09:42

I'm sorry OP but I don't think you will get much sympathy here.

herewego3 · 29/08/2024 09:43

Be careful Op, he treats the people close to him carelessly and without love or respect. It will be your turn soon.

TheCultureHusks · 29/08/2024 09:43

Just move ahead together and leave his family out of it. What are you going to do to ‘make amends’ in this situation? They can see what you are and what their son is and they’ve made their decision. It’s the right decision, and their focus is presumably on supporting their DDIL and grandchild through this.

There’s going to be nothing you can say to improve anything, the only possible improvement is that you both just keep away.

Good luck with your scummy new love!

Wishimaywishimight · 29/08/2024 09:47

There is absolutely nothing you can do, in my opinion, other than give it time. Trying to force the issue will not work, you will only push them further away. Maybe, in time, when they see you are happy together long term, they will be able to move on.

Can you honestly blame them for how they feel? They were likely very fond of his ex-wife and excited about the forthcoming baby - now that family is shattered and the wife and child are without their husband and father and you were part of the breakdown.

MayaPinion · 29/08/2024 09:47

It must be very hard for them to understand and accept that their son would do something so awful to his pregnant wife. I imagine they thought he had a lot more integrity than that and then must be very disappointed to learn that he threw it all away for sex.

They will see you as the woman who encouraged him to do it. Ultimately it was his decision, but I imagine his family are finding the situation very difficult to swallow, especially if they love his wife and the mother of his children.

TomeTome · 29/08/2024 09:50

It’s not you that’s the problem it’s what he did.

Wiglio · 29/08/2024 09:53

What on earth did you expect?

DaisyChain505 · 29/08/2024 09:53

I’d have a hard time accepting you as well.

He left his pregnant wife and was quickly shacked up playing house with another woman and her child.

I hope he has an active involvement in his new child’s life.

this all sounds like it’s happened in an extremely short amount of time. I would keep your head down, let time pass and hopefully everyone will heal from this situation. And for gods sake don’t get pregnant by him any time soon.

MyveryownFlyingSaucer · 29/08/2024 09:55

Of course he's chosing you right now, he needs somewhere to live! Be careful you are not an 'Exit affair', very common scenario.

It probably comes down to a simple choice for them, their grandson or you. They've chosen their grandson.

Problem is, long term when the romance bubble has burst and you are into the day-to-day drudgery it might start to get much harder for him to be ostracised from his family. Family get togethers, birthdays, Christmas, it might start getting to him when he's only with you and your family.

This happened within our family circle, the guy left his wife and kids and thought everyone would welcome the OW with open arms. Everyone decided to put the kids first and she wasn't welcome as it would be stressful for them and their mum. He complained like mad but everyone stood firm. Eventually he got bored of the situation and dumped the OW (he was living with her at the time) got his own place and found a new girlfriend. He's still thought of as a dickhead for how he treated his ex and kids but things have settled down now.

Why on earth would you move this stranger in so quickly when you have a child yourself!! that's a whole level of bad parenting there as well btw!! give your head a wobble.

newyearsresolurion · 29/08/2024 09:56

Obviously they're supporting the newborn baby who your patner should be looking after right now. What did you expect

shittestusernameever · 29/08/2024 09:58

I would do the same if my son did that.

I've been the woman left with a broken family. Hope you and your partner get the karma you deserve

Also, they always regret it.

MyveryownFlyingSaucer · 29/08/2024 09:58

Just noticed this is a first post by the OP 🙄

LoveSandbanks · 29/08/2024 10:01

The situation was slightly complicated???

This has got to be the understatement of the year! I met a man at work with a pregnant wife and started an affair but it’s ok because we fell in love.

I don’t normally blame the OW as it’s the man that made the promises but what the fuck possessed you to fall for a bloke who’s morals are so poor that he’d dump his pregnant wife? How can you love someone who’s capable of such deceit and what the fuck makes you think he’ll treat you any better?

Girlmom35 · 29/08/2024 10:02

So his ex had to go though being abandoned while she was pregnant, going through a divorce while pregnant, having to go through this pregnancy alone, having to go through childbirth alone, having to take care of a newborn without the man she married and who chose to have this child with her. On top of that she had to deal with his infidelity and the devastating effect it must have had on her self esteem and her ability to trust men ever again.

Yeah, poor you. His family doesn't like you. Poor you...

Original poster
FlowerKL · 29/08/2024 10:03

The ex actually doesn’t have anything to do with the family anymore. I know I’m a terrible person and I do know the timing and what happened is awful - I don’t need to be attacked as I know what we’ve done isn’t nice, although nothing actually happened whilst they were together. I hoped that a year down the line the dust would have settled somewhat.

I was just hoping that someone could offer a solution to help make amends with his family.

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 29/08/2024 10:03

They don't have to accept you and you don't have to accept them.
I'd be very careful re your partner, though,
I wouldn't wipe a shoe over a man like him.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 29/08/2024 10:05
  1. 🍿
  2. You need to give it time it may take years, did the ex have the baby? Is he involved in the babies life?
  3. I probably wouldn’t have moved in so fast considering the drama around it all.
Mrsttcno1 · 29/08/2024 10:06

Can’t blame them, I would probably feel the same way. You started “seeing” each other when he had a 2 month old child with another woman, surely you expected this.

MyveryownFlyingSaucer · 29/08/2024 10:07

FlowerKL · 29/08/2024 10:03

The ex actually doesn’t have anything to do with the family anymore. I know I’m a terrible person and I do know the timing and what happened is awful - I don’t need to be attacked as I know what we’ve done isn’t nice, although nothing actually happened whilst they were together. I hoped that a year down the line the dust would have settled somewhat.

I was just hoping that someone could offer a solution to help make amends with his family.

Did he literally pack his bags from his family home and move straight in with you and your child?

WhatNoRaisins · 29/08/2024 10:09

I don't think anyone can offer a solution to his family's reaction OP. You can control your own behaviour but there's not much you can do to change others behaviour. Rightly or wrongly it sounds like they have come to conclusions about your character based on the behaviour they have witnessed. All you can do is try to behave like a decent person from now on and see if they come round in time.