Partners family won’t accept me

[FlowerKL]

I met my partner at work last year. Our situation is slightly complicated in that he was married and his wife was pregnant. They ended up splitting up before the baby was born and we left things for a couple of months and then started seeing each other regularly once the baby was born.

The problem now is his family won’t accept me. He’s recently moved in with me and my son, but his parents won’t have anything to do with me and I’m not welcome.

I know the timing of us getting together is bad, I feel bad about it but we fell in love and they are now divorced.
I don’t know how to manage the situation, he was very close to his family. He is happy to support me and stay together, even if it means losing his family in the meantime. Will things settle over time? Is there anything that I can do to try to make amends?

There is no solution op

Well there is, kick him to the curb and move on with your life. Don't make stupid decisions.

Your now-partner left his heavily pregnant wife for you. That’s not nothing, and presumably his family, unlike your partner, are prioritising the welfare of someone they consider essentially a family member, and a baby who is their blood relative, and who was born in what must have been difficult circumstances.

I imagine they either think you were involved in a full-blown affair while he was still married, and blame you as well as him, or they’re not really giving you any thought, but they’re so horrified by his behaviour, they view you as just a symptom of it.

Let me guess you are planning on him being a baby daddy?

No it won't end well, for the children but no one appears bothered

I would probably feel the same as them. You have both shown that you are very egotistical people. Him by leaving his pregnant wife (it's the most appaling time to leave) and you by sacrificing the stability you had with your child and let your new unrealiable boyfriend move in waaay too soon. You both deserve the scepticism you are getting. You are not considerate people.

As you say, the timing was terrible. You may have to patiently wait years for them to come around, if at all.

The only saving grace you could grasp is not knowing that he was an expectant married father.

Since he did know that fact, I'd be prepared for him to do the same again to you. Think deeply before you decide to have a child with this man. At the very least give it several years. He's a fast mover and liable to leave you in the brown stuff.

If you had done that to my dil and grandchild I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you either or your child. My priority would be making sure my poor sil was supported and my new grandchild. Disgusting behaviour there's no excuse to do that to a woman and her most vulnerable time.

I would never accept a skank that had an affair with my male relative while his wife was pregnant. They have the morals the two of you are clearly lacking.

What you did to this woman was awful it was not just "not nice" it was life changing horrid. On top of this you have moved this unreliable man, willing to be cruel enough to leave his pregnant wife in with your child which is way too soon at two months. I feel sorry for his pregnant wife and your child. Grow up and stop causing so much pain to others.

Everyone has a 'first post', they can't all be trolls.

I'd say the family have got there first and already cut her off. Nothing for her to do.

So you're the other woman and now you've moved him into yours and your child's home - all very quick isn't it? Feeling a bit sorry for your son.

Hopefully he's paying towards the child he abandoned for you?

I don't know what solution you're hoping to find OP.

This man left his wife while she was pregnant, to go shag someone else. You may say "nothing happened" , but thats a lie isn't it. Nothing physical may have happened, but he didn't just up and leave for the sake of it did he.

All those little conversations, little betrayals from him. You were a part of those. His family know that. Rightly, they don't approve.

And you're an idiot for actually wanting this man. Does knowing what he did not make you feel disgusted every time you look at him? What makes you think he won't do exactly the same to you as he did to her?

How could you possibly ever make amends for that?

They will have to forgive him eventually as they are his family. No matter how awful our children are, we still love them. Biological imperative and all that.

They don’t have that feeling towards you. Unfair as it is, the burden of guilt will probably fall on you more than on him, (because they need to find a way to forgive him, as above.) So you’re that <insert slur about promiscuity > who destroyed the family.

It took over 5 years before my family were even civil to the woman in your situation. After 12 years, she’s part of the family but not like the rest. No one forgets the grandchild now estranged because of the affair.

Yes she had the baby, they split up about 3 months before she was due. He doesn’t see her very much because despite want of trying - he has requested mediation to get more contact. He pays monthly maintenance.

He has only recently moved in - we’ve been together nearly a year.

Well spotted officer doofy 🤨 and your point is? Fucking weird on here sometimes lol

How old is your son? Do you honestly think that moving in with someone you’ve only been seeing for under a year is a good idea for him, even leaving aside your choice of partner/ stepfather figure being someone who abandoned his own child in utero? Honestly, OP, regardless of whether you engaged in any kind of physical or emotional affair with this man before he left his wife, your judgement sounds off all round.

You have absolutely no way of knowing that, name changing is a thing on Mumsnet.

And even if it is a first post, why does that matter? Everyone starts somewhere.

Troll hunting is banned on Mumsnet. You have an issue, you click the report button.

I think you need to think really long and hard if you can cope with this. Rightly or wrongly they may never accept you.

Do you want your own children? Being a stepmum can be hard. It seems to me like loads of women really resent the kids from previous relationships when they have a baby with their partner, even in a non-controversial set up. Read some experiences at least.

You don't have to answer obviously OP but I'm wondering about ages here. You say you met at work - was he your senior? Are you of a similar age?

You are better off leaving this relationship. Your partner will always be torn the children will be miserable and it will all end in tears.
Find someone unattached next time.

You’re a master of understatement aren’t you? “Slightly complicated” “not very nice”
You and he have put a nuclear bomb under the lives of a whole family.
His family have made a judgement of your character based on what they know about you, and have decided that they don’t want someone with the morals of a skip rat in their lives.
I don’t blame them. I’d do the same.

You fell in love so that’s ok!

It’s not complicated, it’s just cheating. It makes me laugh when people on here talk about things being complicated (they rarely are) or very outing (they rarely are)

Complicated..... nothing complicated about it. You're paying for your part in them separating.

The family are the least of your problems.

Of course they don't like you, you had an affair when their son was married, lol at your narrative of 'it's complicated'!! What an absurdly positive way of looking at something awful.

Your problems are that you have for some bizarre reason moved someone in to your home and in with your child, who you already know is a lying, selfish, cheating arsehole.

As the saying goes, you've left a space now for his new mistress.

left things for a couple of months and then started seeing each other regularly once the baby was born

That's so nice of the both of you.

I know the timing of us getting together is bad

It wasn't just 'timing'. You had an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife, for God's sake.

I feel bad about it but we fell in love and they are now divorced

No you don't. Not really.

In fact, the way you've written this is quite cold, matter-of-fact and almost callous. It's 'Oh well, what are you gonna do, eh? How can I make this work for me, now I've made this massive mess'?

You may feel some kind of surface level, shallow remorse, but you don't feel it deep inside, and it's really coming across.

You may feel like you've bagged yourself a prize, but all you've got is a box with poo in it, a relationship that's started with cheating and dishonesty.

He probably would have done this with someone else at one point, no matter how you might have convinced yourself that you were special enough for him to leave his wife for. One day, you will realise that, when he leaves you for someone else as well when you're vulnerable and have lost your shine and novelty for him.