Partners family won’t accept me

[FlowerKL]

I met my partner at work last year. Our situation is slightly complicated in that he was married and his wife was pregnant. They ended up splitting up before the baby was born and we left things for a couple of months and then started seeing each other regularly once the baby was born.

The problem now is his family won’t accept me. He’s recently moved in with me and my son, but his parents won’t have anything to do with me and I’m not welcome.

I know the timing of us getting together is bad, I feel bad about it but we fell in love and they are now divorced.
I don’t know how to manage the situation, he was very close to his family. He is happy to support me and stay together, even if it means losing his family in the meantime. Will things settle over time? Is there anything that I can do to try to make amends?

Where have you got that from?

Op met him before he was single. That started seeing each other regularly, once the baby was born. Not started seeing eachother.

Their situation wouldn’t be complicated if Op had actually started seeing him once he was single. But it seems everyone including her Dps family know that’s not how it happened.

Op also states she knows she did a bad thing. If she was single and started dating someone who was single she wouldn’t think she did a bad thing.

Besides which she has now forced this man on her young child as well.

Op said the below. Nothing about her believing he was single when they met.

Our situation is slightly complicated in that he was married and his wife was pregnant. They ended up splitting up before the baby was born and we left things for a couple of months and then started seeing each other regularly once the baby was born.

This might be where op realises that he got divorced but didn’t do the financial order.

Isn’t the advice normally that before you pursue a relationship with someone else, leave the relationship you’re currently in? I know the rebuttal to that is to claim an emotional affair, but that’s something incredibly ill defined. It sounds like he did that tbh.

It’s easy to blame you because you’re not their son. I wouldn’t pay them any mind - they’ll either come around or they won’t. No one here can predict the future of your relationship, or any future relationships you have with his family.

Do not worry. They may start accepting you when he leaves you while pregnant and introduces another woman two months later.
Some people have moral standards. I would not be able to stomach a son of mine that behaves so. And definitively not supporting his decision of yet bringing more people into the drama, including more children? This is the recipe of all disasters.
Nobody can blame any relative for stepping far far far back from this, including parents. Come on!

I don't think it's on you to make amends although I can see that you want to make things better for your partner. Maybe just keep inviting them to things, making it clear you want them to be a part of your lives. Can't force them though so if they've taken against the relationship it might take a while. I wouldn't get too stressed over it and hopefully they'll come round. They'll want their son to be happy surely.

I wouldn’t accept you either.

Very much a case of you made your bed now lie in it. The baby whose home you wrecked is their family and you shat on its life before it was even born.

What the actual fuck did you expect from them?

There are no solutions. You want them to forgive the unforgivable.

In their eyes you are a bad person and they have no respect for you. The women will unanimously think you are a total slag and they’ll be influencing the men. They would rather you never entered their son/brother’s life. You can’t fix this because you can’t fix the chaos and hurt you caused.

of someone posted ‘me and a man at work have fallen for eachother. He is married and his wife is pregnant.’

The advice would be to stay well away from him. And even if he leaves his wife while pregnant, she should still stay away. Because he is a twat.

At the very least she should stay away until they have co parenting established and things have settled after the split.

No one would advise ‘tell him to leave her, then become official once the baby is born’.

Even if the wife wasn’t pregnant, the advice is generally ‘if he wants to leave, let him do it. Let him sort the divorce and spend time being single. Then once that’s all done see if something is there’

Well yes, but the advice would also be ‘leave before you cheat’. I don’t see where OP said she told him to leave his wife btw. Even if she did, he remains the one responsible.

He pays monthly maintenance! Give that man a medal!

I didn’t say op said it.

Yes the advice is to leave. Followed by sort yourself out, sort the divorce, prioritise the children then when everything is settled maybe see if something is still there. He hasn’t done any of that.

It wouldn’t be ‘yeah leave your pregnant wife, and wait right until she gives birth to start ‘regularly’ seeing the OW, that’s what good people do’

If a woman posted and said she just gave birth, her husband left her 3 months ago and he has just gone official with a new girlfriend, no one would be saying. He was a good man for leaving her and waiting for the birth of the baby before dating.

There's nothing you can do except wait it out and hope time brings improvement. They are not at fault though, so you can't blame them for it.
Most people would think, your timeline of events appears too clean which brings suspicion. It takes a lot to get up the gumption to divorce a pregnant wife. The sort of resolve that people running to a single life wouldn't usually have. The fact that he did leave her before the baby was born, pretty much proves there was an overlap and you were more instrumental in events than you want to admit.
However you like to explain it, you were his incentive, and while you may have waited, till he'd left and the baby was born, before getting physical, it's pretty obvious there would of been a whole lot of discussion and planning between you in the months leading up to the separation. Also a lot of growing closer, flirting etc.
You may have to accept that you are not Snow White in this. You really aren't convincing anyone that you weren't the OW purely because sex occurred after his baby was born, so nobody is going to give you a medal for that. Clearly his family are of this opinion too, and however you cut it you are now known to be the kind of woman who does the dirty on another woman to suit her own needs. That's what puts you in a lonely category as most women would like to think that given the circumstances he was in, they would not have given him the time of day, no matter how much they fancied him.

I admit I haven't read all the post but I am having trouble getting past your comment "Slightly complicated" OP slightly he was married and expecting a baby hardly slightly.

They probably blame you for the fact that they won't have much of a relationship with their grandchild.

Oof messy all round.

Give it time and they might accept you one day.

Not to be unkind, but there is a chance your relationship might not last (sorry). But my point is, don't fixate on becoming part of their big, extended family as it may be completely pointless.

One of my brothers did something similar to your partner 🙄. I did meet his new gf after about a year, and she did the whole "our love was just too powerful to ignore" speech. Anyway, they broke up, extremely messily, about 6 months later and I've never seen her since.

But if you're in this for the long haul, then you need to give his family more time. I'm sure you can understand them not being in love with you right now.

I don't blame them.

His family will never accept you and don't want you anywhere near them. You cant possibly think they would welcome their son's grubby mistress after he left his pregnant wife for you. Their priority is going to be their grandchild. If you have a shred of self respect you need to end this rather tawdry relationship. You are aware that he will cheat on you and then either string you along or discard you in the same way as he walked out on his poor wife and their child. Stop trying to make this sordid little affair look respectable by trying to impose yourself on or insert yourself into his family. You won't ever be acknowledged or accepted as his new partner.

Yeah but no. Married men with a baby on the way generally don’t bail on their vulnerable wives unless they’ve got a sure thing waiting in the wings 😳

I hoped that a year down the line the dust would have settled somewhat.
A year is not very long. It took me longer to begin to get over the shock of my ex's affair. After a year and a half I was still on anti-depressants and in therapy, but was no longer thinking of ending things. After two years I was dating but delicate if triggered. After four years I was able to talk to my ex normally but still feeling down about some things. After 10 years my ex's dad is still apologetic towards me and asks how I'm doing as if he wants to know that his son hasn't ruined my life permanently. My ex's sister didn't accept the OW at any point, until they broke up 2 years after we split up. But she's very territorial! Was never nice to me, either.
Did your AP's family accept his wife easily, and get on well with her?

God, his poor ex. Imagine having your pregnancy blighted by your life partner fucking off to shag someone else. How awful for her.

Disgusting carrying on with someone’s husband when you knew the wife was pregnant. Shame on you OP. In love my arse.

you’ve now got a cheat and she’s free of him. Well played, not.

And I’m not saying that he followed every piece of advice to the letter 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nor am I saying he’s a good man. I’m not saying he’s a bad man either - I don’t know him. What I’m saying is that OP isn’t the ‘other woman’, and even if she were she’s not responsible for his actions. It may be inadvisable to get together with him, but she was a single woman that began a relationship with a single man.

His family may or may not come around, and OP and her partner may or may not last. No one here can say.

That’s a really good point! I know my DCs grandparents saw much less of them after he left (partly because they live so far away and partly the holidays were then split between ExH and I).

I'd be interested to know what caused the breakup between OP and the father of her child.

Your just going to have to respect that his family want nothing to do with you.

From their perspective they were excited about their first niece/grandchild you came along and now that is pretty much lost. They have lost out on watching the newest member of their family growing, first noises, smiles etc.

Your DP is of course at fault in a big way but before you he was married and about to become a father. That kind of level isn't going to settle anytime soon!

The best you can hope for is amicable in a few years time.