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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

378 replies

sarahkeintong · 28/08/2024 15:09

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

OP posts:
Moltenpink · 28/08/2024 15:13

An 80th birthday is much more important than looking at a wedding venue, and SIL is right in pushing the point IMO.

BrightLightTonight · 28/08/2024 15:15

You sound a bit selfish. An 80th birthday trumps a venue viewing - I find it hard to believe that is the only day you can visit the venue. Already sounding a bit Bridezilla

KaleQueen · 28/08/2024 15:15

I’m usually one for ‘you do you’ and not bend to other people’s demands. But. It is his mother’s significant milestone 80th birthday - him and his sister should have sorted something before now. They are obviously close if he visits 5 times a week. Sounds like sister has had attack of the guilts and sorted it herself. I’d be saying you need to go. The wedding venue can wait. His mother’s 80th birthday is really important. Really hope my kids don’t sideline me on my 80th (if I live that long) as they had ‘other plans’ 😂

ForeverPombear · 28/08/2024 15:16

KaleQueen · 28/08/2024 15:15

I’m usually one for ‘you do you’ and not bend to other people’s demands. But. It is his mother’s significant milestone 80th birthday - him and his sister should have sorted something before now. They are obviously close if he visits 5 times a week. Sounds like sister has had attack of the guilts and sorted it herself. I’d be saying you need to go. The wedding venue can wait. His mother’s 80th birthday is really important. Really hope my kids don’t sideline me on my 80th (if I live that long) as they had ‘other plans’ 😂

I feel the same way as this.

KaleQueen · 28/08/2024 15:17

Also - you’re marrying a man but you’ve got no idea that his mother’s 80th is coming up? ‘No idea of the date’
Find that a bit bizarre tbh

sarahkeintong · 28/08/2024 15:17

ForeverPombear · 28/08/2024 15:16

I feel the same way as this.

Thanks. I’m in two minds. We did already have plans to take his mum to dinner that week.
the wedding venue is a 6 hour drive away and it’s been planned for months.

OP posts:
KaleQueen · 28/08/2024 15:21

A six hour drive away? Crikey.
Well maybe MIL might be too busy to come to your wedding but I’m sure that’ll be cool 👍

CelestialNexus · 28/08/2024 15:22

Why are you getting married so far away??

SkaneTos · 28/08/2024 15:24

I think her birthday is more important.
Don't you like your MIL?

BehindTheSequinsandStilettos · 28/08/2024 15:24

but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him

Well, clearly she did but texted him instead, having stepped up to organise something.
You're not expected to know your future MIL's birthday but he should have known and an 80 is a big one (all in a 0 or a 5) so, given he does see her a lot, it's not that unreasonable or unthinkable to have expected to see her on the day.

He's stood by your plan. 6 hours is a crazy distance.
Unlikely then, he will get to see her. You win.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 28/08/2024 15:28

Sorry, team SIL here. 80th trumps most things.

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 28/08/2024 15:29

SIL is not being unreasonable. She's trying to arrange something for her mum's 80th. Fair enough it sounds like she might have left it a bit late, but still, your partner should have anticipated that this weekend needed to be kept clear. I mean, really he should have taken the responsibility of organising the birthday, but the least he can do is turn up.

Ps however inconvenient it is for you to visit this wedding venue, that's exactly how inconvenient it's going to be for your friends/family/80yo MIL to go the actual wedding.

Neveranynamesleft · 28/08/2024 15:29

This reply has been deleted

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jazzybelle · 28/08/2024 15:32

Go to MIL's 80th party. She won't be around forever.

Skibidy · 28/08/2024 15:33

80th birthday comes first. Even if theyre not doing much, just being together for that day will be all his mum wants. You can rearrange the wedding venue viewing (i mean 6 hrs away -12 hrs travelling time in total…do you even want his mum to attend the wedding? Far too far for an 80 year old to travel, i can imagine she wont come)

HeddaGarbled · 28/08/2024 15:33

I wasn't even aware of this date

I don’t know anyone whose parent was coming up to such a significant birthday who wouldn’t have mentioned the date to their fiancée and to have had conversations with others in the family about celebration plans, even if those plans were just a family tea or similar.

I’m not buying all this didn’t know, no plans stuff. He’s lying or you are, or this is the world’s most disorganised family.

circular1985 · 28/08/2024 15:34

I think the 80th birthday celebrations were badly planned by the whole family. Did your dp not twig when the wedding appt was booked that it was his mums birthday?

Given the circumstances I'd just offer to see her the day after.

3luckystars · 28/08/2024 15:35

Can’t he do two things on the same day?

Ozanj · 28/08/2024 15:35

None of you sound like you can plan anything. Who has a wedding 6 hours drive away from where they live??

Appleandstrawberrypie · 28/08/2024 15:36

The birthday is more important.

Gazelda · 28/08/2024 15:39

I agree that celebrating your mums 80th birthday trumps a visit to a wedding venue.

Is there any way you can do both? Drive up the venue the night before, do the wedding meeting and the. Drive home in time to join in the celebrations? It'll be tiring, but the only way I can think of to mark MIL's birthday while keeping your appointment.

Trallers · 28/08/2024 15:39

My guess was that that SIL wanted to make sure that her brother himself was the one declining/accepting as she didn't think it was your place to decide about her mums birthday. Not saying whether that's right or wrong of her to ignore what you said, just she probably thinks her brother should make the call for himself. Is it possible she thinks you're a bit controlling?

Sandyankles · 28/08/2024 15:40

Birthday far, far more important. A really hurtful thing to deliberately and avoidably miss. Selfish.

Also your wedding venue is too far away, massive pita for everyone.

FawnFrenchieMum · 28/08/2024 15:40

sarahkeintong · 28/08/2024 15:17

Thanks. I’m in two minds. We did already have plans to take his mum to dinner that week.
the wedding venue is a 6 hour drive away and it’s been planned for months.

You had plans to take his mum to dinner even though you didn’t know it was her birthday?

YABU.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 28/08/2024 15:40

SkaneTos · 28/08/2024 15:24

I think her birthday is more important.
Don't you like your MIL?

Forget her, the fiancee does not seem to like his own mother as he told OP not to worry about it.