Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

378 replies

sarahkeintong · 28/08/2024 15:09

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

OP posts:
Sandyankles · 28/08/2024 15:41

And yes, obviously your SIL speaks mainly to her brother, not you.

Roryno · 28/08/2024 15:42

I think the 80th is more important. I also think it’s a big ask to book a wedding so far away when the groom’s mother is elderly.

I also think your fiancé’s sister should be able to tell him about needing to be at his own mum’s 80th. It’s not sneaky just because you had said no. I’d be annoyed at my brother if he didn’t feel he needed to see his mum on her 80th.

Behaving like this combined with having a wedding so far away might end up with people not going to your wedding!

MultiplaLight · 28/08/2024 15:43

6 hours away, why?!

Seriously you both sound a bit selfish.

KaleQueen · 28/08/2024 15:43

Off topic….but this is why I hate big stupid fancy ‘most important thing in life’ weddings.
All a load of drama and fuss.

MayaPinion · 28/08/2024 15:45

Your fiance should be making birthday arrangements with his sister instead of acting like some kind of passenger. An 80th birthday is a BIG birthday. The wedding venue will still be there in a few weeks.

DadJoke · 28/08/2024 15:46

DH is a muppet for not noticing the clash. SiL has done nothing wrong. It sounds like your DH is at your beck and call.

I would cancel the venue viewing, tell your SiL you’d love to come this landmark event and sideline Bridezilla for a while. Be gracious and say it’s no problem - you are only 80 once.

invisiblecat · 28/08/2024 15:47

CelestialNexus · 28/08/2024 15:22

Why are you getting married so far away??

That's what I was wondering.

Justcallmebebes · 28/08/2024 15:47

KaleQueen · 28/08/2024 15:43

Off topic….but this is why I hate big stupid fancy ‘most important thing in life’ weddings.
All a load of drama and fuss.

This. And why is the wedding venue 6 hours away?

Heading for a collision with your future SIL is not too bright either

crumblingschools · 28/08/2024 15:47

He sees her 5 times a week but you didn't know the date of her birthday! Surely seeing her that regularly would mean he would drop in and see her on her birthday

Anonym00se · 28/08/2024 15:47

If any of my DCs said they couldn’t attend my 80th birthday because they’d prioritised viewing a wedding venue, they be getting written out of my will!

Wexone · 28/08/2024 15:48

yes 80th birthday trumps this
Also why are you looking at venues siz hour drive away from where you live ? Do you not want people to come to your wedding ? Do you want to put the extra expense of accommodation and travel onto your guests ?

Rubyandscarlett · 28/08/2024 15:48

My mum is 80 soon - l wouldn't miss it for the world, hate to say it but it could be her last milesrone birthday.

ThistlesandHarebells · 28/08/2024 15:49

As an almost eighty year old I have to say you’re all over reacting in your replies.
80 is just another birthday and I’d be happy for my children or grandchildren
to go looking at a wedding venue rather than disturbing my peace and quiet with
a party.
Their future is much more important than the fact I am getting older by the day.

middleagedandinarage · 28/08/2024 15:49

Your future MIL's 80th definitely takes priority, I actually find it a bit strange that your DP thought it was a good idea to arrange this for the day of his mums 80th, surely he knew when his mums birthday was? I think SIL probably had assumed, even though no official plans had been made that her brother (and you) wouldn't have other plans on their mums 80th birthday and panicked a bit when you said you had. Do you see his mum much? Sounds like a bit of jealousy on your part that DP sees his mum so regularly. You might want to think about whether booking a wedding at all is a good idea!

holjam · 28/08/2024 15:49

Sorry YABU
MIL's 80th birthday is more important

HaPPy8 · 28/08/2024 15:50

Agree with the majority - mil 80th needs to be prioritised here!

SheilaFentiman · 28/08/2024 15:51

was SIL just saying “hey, this is the birthday plan for mum” now that there is one. Not “going behind your back” but “ telling her brother something”

Oh, and I have been married nearly 20 years and have no idea when FIL’s birthday is. He probably is coming up to 80, come to think of it. But that’s on DH and his siblings if they want to do something.

And those chiding OP for having a wedding 6h away - it may be that her parents live in Edinburgh and his live in Winchester, or whatever.

GoogleWhacking · 28/08/2024 15:52

I've heard some selfish twaddle on here but you, OP, take the absolute 🍪

Redflagged · 28/08/2024 15:53

YANBU - he sees her 5 times a week! And there weren’t any plans till SIL decided that could be used to undermine you.

Reminds me of my MIL when DH grandmother died . He was all set obviously to attend the funeral till she started with extreme demands about the whole day and it got so intense and she verbally abused me so badly he didn’t go .

Peanutbuttercrumble · 28/08/2024 15:58

I agree he should have known not to plan anything on the day of his mother's 80th birthday. If the wedding venue had said we can do December 25th would he have thought well we haven't made plans for Christmas yet so let's go? Probably not.

itsmylife7 · 28/08/2024 15:59

sarahkeintong · 28/08/2024 15:17

Thanks. I’m in two minds. We did already have plans to take his mum to dinner that week.
the wedding venue is a 6 hour drive away and it’s been planned for months.

6 hour drive away ....WHY ?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 28/08/2024 15:59

Moltenpink · 28/08/2024 15:13

An 80th birthday is much more important than looking at a wedding venue, and SIL is right in pushing the point IMO.

I agree, this might be the last significant birthday he gets to spend with his mum. She was right to double check with him to make absolutely sure that this was his decision and I would do the same.

Viewing a wedding venue can always be rearranged. Doesnt matter how far away it is (although why get married 6hrs away?!), it can still be rearranged.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 28/08/2024 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2024 16:03

Skibidy · 28/08/2024 15:33

80th birthday comes first. Even if theyre not doing much, just being together for that day will be all his mum wants. You can rearrange the wedding venue viewing (i mean 6 hrs away -12 hrs travelling time in total…do you even want his mum to attend the wedding? Far too far for an 80 year old to travel, i can imagine she wont come)

Edited

Can I just say that while the OP and her fiancé are being very thoughtless, we don't know that the MiL can't do the trip for the actual wedding.

She may still go off on holidays for all we know.

NeedToChangeName · 28/08/2024 16:03

I predict this thread, having not gone as OP hoped, will soon be pulled as "identifying"