Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

Well, some people would be bothered about their 80th birthday and some wouldn't want a fuss - let's assume OP's fiance isn't being a cunt, but knows his mom won't be too bothered about doing something on the day itself.

However, OP I cannot fathom why you are considering starting some kind of conflict with your sister in law about this, when all she has done is invited her brother to an event she is organising for their mom. He might have decided to rearrange/cancel the wedding venue viewing when he knew of her plans; he might have been able to fit both in; she might just have wanted to invite him. Her issuing the invitation doesn't harm or inconvenience or insult you in any conceivable way. Are you genuinely considering calling her out over this? Do you have a lot of conflict with people generally?

Obviously but I’m just giving my opinion as OP has posted about this situation !

How old is your fiancé? He sounds very immature but I'm in my 50s and my mum isn't 80 yet. What's all the fuss about the wedding venue how old are you all?

i agree - i asked her if there was a plan and she said no im focused on my own life (her response) but then 2 days later there is a plan - and i cant help but think it was to undermine me, hoping my fiance would change our plans by going straight to him

You basically want your fiancé's family to arrange birthday parties through you?

Thats not on. Your fiancé and his sister should communicate between each other. It's for him to accept/decline/discuss.

You don't act as gatekeeper.

@Ilovelurchers im not going to say anything, but if you told someone you had plans and then they went straight to your husband to ask the same thing, wouldnt part of you think, well i have already spoken to you and told you that unfortunately we cannt make it (there wasnt even a plan at that stage anyway!!)

Depends, if it’s next week it seems fair to assume there were no plans, if it’s in a few weeks or more it’s fair to presume plans will be made for the special birthday and it might need to be kept clear for the day.

@Notonthestairs not at all, she can always go straight to him, but on this occasion we spoke first and i told her we was busy, then she proceeding to make a plan and text him and ask the same thing?

If I wanted to discuss my mother’s birthday with my brother I would, whether or not you had told me he wasn’t available. She has a relationship with him and you don’t speak for him so need to get over your inflated sense of indignation.

A lot of people won’t understand but if someone is toxic they will try to control like this . I understand though and I hope your dh puts your plans first

You don't need to intervene between siblings for their mother's birthday - let them work it out themselves.

I’d say the sister spoke to you thinking you would take the hint and then had to escalate it, when you didn’t.

She’s just trying to start a power struggle. Your dp will feel pulled in 2 directions it can be really hard on the person stuck in the middle. Just let him choose what he does ideally he sticks to your plans but let him know it’s his choice. He will see what SIL is doing im sure

You sound hardwork and unpleasant going to speak to sil about her going behind her back to speak to her dbro about their elderly mothers bday are you joking. Your mil might have changed her mind and want a fuss. I hope you sil sees this thread and gives you both a wide berth and doesn't attend your 6 hour away wedding. I suspect they tolerate you at best if this is how you go on its deeply unpleasant to your elderly mil and your sil.

Definitely snakey behaviour from the SIL. She had had the conversation with you so she knew that you were both busy. Instead of taking your word for it, she's then gone and had the conversation again with your fiancé. She's undermining you.

However, I think it's a bit shit that your fiancé wasn't planning to see his mum on her milestone birthday. To say "there isn't a plan" is no excuse, if there is no plan, he should be making one. Why is it up to someone else to arrange that?

Can you swing by and see her in the morning before going to the venue so that there is no rush home?

Or she's aware that her brother is such an idiot that he didn't know when their mother's birthday was or how old she'll be and thought it best to tell him to avoid him not bothering to get a card or present and then complaining that 'nobody (ie, my sister) told me it was her birthday, of course I'd have done something if she'd bothered to tell me'.

The 80th birthday should be a priority. These things matter & she may not be around much longer. You sound a bit OTT about your wedding. Maybe try & chill out a bit.

I would expect your fiance to spend time celebrating with his mum on her 80th birthday.

They do say look at how well a man treats his mum before marrying him...

It would piss me off if a person with no solid plan for a date, asks me about a date and I confirm that we cannot attend, then has to ring my partner to check that I am not mistaken/telling lies/organising his life for him...

Why does everyone assume that everyone puts such a huge value on birthdays being celebrated on the exact date?!

My Dads 80th party was 2 days after his birthday. He had the option of having it whatever night he wanted (at his local pub) but he picked that date as it was the date most of his favourite people could be there. Seeing his favourite people was MUCH more important to him than a date!

Honestly, if I thought there was no special plan for DM's birthday, and so I arranged something else, then DBro asked DH or DS if we were busy on mum's birthday, I would STILL expect DBro to text me saying 'gonna take mum to the national trust for fancy cake if you wanna come'. Because.. it's our joint relative.

I would just reply, "sorry, can't, taking her for dinner the week after instead cos we have to do X" but I would feel hurt not to be told there was a plan I could join, if that plan got made fairly last minute, as this one has been.

Make your own choice about the birthday but I don't think this is a behind your back thing, it's a sibling thing.

Can you imagine if OP found out that the SIL planned a celebration but didn't invite her brother. We'd have got a post saying "SIL told me there were no plans so we didn't rearrange our venue visit, then they had a celebration and didn't invite us." OP is looking to find fault. SIL can't win.

Yeah, her relationship with her brother is older and deeper than either of their relationships with you. She has the right to ask him whatever she wants, regardless of whether she has previously asked you.

Why are you angry at your fiance? He did exactly as you wanted and knocked back his mum in favour of the wedding visit.

how old are you? If his mum’s 80 surely you’re both old enough to realise your wedding is not as important to everyone else…

there will be other days to sort weddings. Let’s face it, there may not be many other birthdays for his mum…

I agree with PPs that an 80th birthday is more important than visiting a wedding venue and it's hard to believe there is no other time you can visit the venue.
I think sister in law was right to bring it up again

I do my part and am very leniant
...nice to be 'lenient'.
A lot of people won’t understand but if someone is toxic they will try to control like this

Mmmmm, I know who I think sounds controlling in this instance.