Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

Not as short as it could have been. 😏

But 80 birthday trumps random wedding venue visit. Even to think that a son would not turn up for a mothers 80th birthday is incredibly selfish.

Your DH should have made the plan, or does he see it as his sisters job because he’s too busy ‘cos he has a penis.

Your anger is misguided at your SIL when in fact it should be addressed towards your DP for being a shit son.

lol I have a great relationship with my brothers but it is not deeper than the relationship they have with their wives, and it shouldn't be, that would be weird! There is no competition there.

Of course he should see his mum on her 80th.

Divorce happens. Relationships end. Wives and husbands are not guaranteed to be part of your life until death. But your siblings will be (unless there is some massive family rift, which there is no suggestion of here).

It's not a competition, but the OP seems to think that it is for some reason. She has absolutely no right to try to police her SIL's relationship with her brother though.

There was no party! there was no plan though, thats the thing. she made a plan after we said we was away the weekend. when i asked her if there was a plan she responded " no im focused on my life"

She's realised that mums big birthday is coming up.

She knew you were out of town.
She arranged a get together with mum on the day of the birthday.
She knew you and DF wouldn't be seeing mum, so thought she'd make it a special day for mum instead.
She invited her DB. It would have been rude not to.

As she knew you were at the wedding thing, she probably had no expectation that you and he would be attending.

I think it's as simple as that. No reason for having it out with her. No undermining. No disrespecting you. No drama.

Don't fall out about it. Don't spoil mums birthday. Don't spoil your wedding visit.

Oh come on, she didnt plan to see the venue knowing the date and the MIL does not seem to mind nor care, it's not like they booked the viewing just to spite the whole family. hardly a Bridezilla, and you're not mentioning the actual fiance who as a son surely should have known his mother's birthday and plan for it?

There was a thread on here a couple of months ago with someone saying that it was her mum's 80th birthday and her son wanted to go to his usual activity with his dad on the day. Just about everyone said that the son should go to the activity as the birthday 'wasn't that special'. 😂

I'm team SIL too, it's shit not to take part in the 80th event.

Because the OP has caught a bad case of the bridezillas virus. One of the first symptoms is thinking about wedding venues that are really hard for people to get to. The next post will be “My fiancés 80 year old mother is kicking off because our wedding venue is a six hour drive away and she says she doesn’t know how she will get there.”

No vote on this one? I vote YABU.
80th birthday is more important.

YANBU OP.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist yes divorce would be considerably more likely if OP's partner was to allow his sister to interfere, thankfully he's told her that they already have plans. Hopefully she'll accept that now since she needed telling twice.

My MIL does this to me and it winds me up no end. She'll ask me if we're free to do something, if we're busy I'll say no, and then I'll hear her on the phone with DH later asking him. If SIL won't accept OP's answer, she shouldn't bother asking her.

Your SIL is not in the wrong here. I would have expected an invite to a planned (albeit late planning) day for our patents birthday regardless as plans can change and it's nice to be included.

Personally, if I was in your position and I have been in a similar situation. I would insist that my partner was present for the occasion. Family should always come first.

Marriages, relationships may come to an end but your family is always your family.

If he says it's fine to miss this one, then follow his lead. Experience tells me to keep my beak out and let them get on with it and support him, however I can.

I would rather rearrange seeing a wedding venue or cancel other pre existing plans to do so than miss my elderly parents birthday. You dont know how many more are left, and I couldn't live with knowing our plans meant we missed one. Or to potentially have that thrown back at me in the future (not thay mine would as he takes responsibility for his decisions) resentment can build up off the smallest things and once established its hard to shift.

Have been married for years but never discuss plans with my ILs,although I get in very well with them
As soon as Sil said anything I would have said I’ll get DH to call you to discuss
Then i would have said to Dh ,we can’t do that date because of the viewing
Well actually I would not have said that ,but you could have

I think it's different if its family. I'd go directly to my brothers on anything family related. In your scenario I'd definitely ask him directly, even if his OH said otherwise. One of my brothers DW is quite controlling, so I'd want to hear it from him directly rather than her, as I imagine she'd just tell me what she wants to do, rather than what he wants.

They're siblings, they have their own close relationship - obviously she should speak to him directly about something to do with their mum. I don't think you should create drama over it. Normal for siblings to speak directly about family things (and even argue with one another) without involving their partners

@MrsGarethSouthgate correct i do not speak for him, but she was telling me what my fiance SHOULD be doing - thats when i replied and said its up to my fiance what he does. unfortunately, if you haven't experienced a toxic family you probably don't recognise these signs.

Is it a surprise party? (Sorry lazy bones here hasn't read the whole thread). If not ask MIL what she wants. Can you cancel another family 'thing' you're roped into and swap your venue visit date?

Everyone is so different - my Dad on one hand would be annoyed if I didn't go to the venue, my Mum would be annoyed if I did.

Your husband will judge it better, he knows his Mum best, not strangers. I don't think your SIL had particularly done anything wrong, albeit a bit disorganised.

This isnt your SIL going behind your back - it’s her telling her brother about the arrangements about their mother’s very big birthday.
I would be furious if my child put visiting a possible wedding venue before celebrating a big birthday with me. Id be even more furious if I found out they had forgotten the date of my birthday!

she wasnt discussing it with me, i was telling her our plans and she proceeded to tell me "he should be doing this" i asked is there a plan and she replied "no but he should know, im focused on my life right now"

Siblings argue constantly - they always tell eachother what they SHOULD be doing. Very normal family dynamic - I don't understand why this bothers you

Is his mum also toxic, would you say?

I would still have said the same

if my fiance had made the decision to stay, i would support him. i am more concerned that she can tell me what my fiance "should be doing".

YAB very U. Your MIL's adult children, or at least her DD, are planning something to mark her 80th birthday. That is way more important than your viewing on that precise day. As it was left quite late to plan the birthday, is it possible the your Sil was hoping her brother might step up and plan it with her? But it seems he agreed to drive 6 hours away on that exact day. Either he is completely selfish, or you arranged the viewing and did not tell him the date. Perhaps you are controlling? Or maybe both you and DP are both self absorbed and selfish.