Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

Is she actually telling him that? Or was it more a turn of phrase?

I think DBro SHOLUD be doing various financial things. I say so to my DH, I don't say so to SIL cos I'm not an idiot, but I have a view!

im not sure i agree with a brother and sister relationship being deeper than a husband and wife who eventually one day will have a family/children of there own.
are you telling me you are second to your husband, after his sister/brothers?

@SheilaFentiman she texted me 3 times saying "he should know that we should be spending it with her" i asked if there was a plan she said that unfortunately not but he should know anyway, and again that isnt he going to be there because he should be. i agree, everyone has opinions, this SIL gives her opinion A LOT on our relationship, even to the timing of our wedding, how we should have it etc. she interferes A LOT.

I’m with your SiL. You and your fiance ABU. Regardless of whether there was an actual party or event planned, I would have kept the day free to spend with my mum or MiL if it was their 80th.

@Redflagged thank you, and sorry you recognise these signs too, they arent nice, how did you deal with them? luckily, on this occasion, he did put me first, but often he doesnt.

If I were you, I would get a grey rock response - "you will need to discuss that with Bob" to anything that pisses you off about family or wedding.

@pinkducky my thoughts exactly, it was undermining and was like i was lying? or what i said wasnt worth listening too? or honestly, i think it was hoping my fiance would feel guilty and cancel our plans, thats honestly what i think she wanted

In this instance he’s not your husband, he’s her brother and it’s about their mother.

Dear god! Selfish much?!

What she means by this is - ‘my brother expects me, his sister, to organise something for our mother’ which is what you will likely have to do when you're married. Your DH will think you should do all family related admin.

Ive been with my husband 17 years, I don't know any of his families birthdays... why would I? It's not my job to.

He doesn't know my families birthdays and nobody would raise an eye at a man not knowing his in laws birthdays.

If I was invited to an 80th I would make specific note of that because its an event I have been requested to attend but she wasn't and can't mind read it. I don't even know my in laws EXACT ages just a rough enough to say hes 40s, shes mid 60s, hes in his 70s etc...

I am side eying the future DH for blowing it off far more. Viewing a wedding venue isn't once in a life time, it can be done anytime its not instantly OP's fault its her future DH that fucked up.

It's her brother. She's entitled to tell him to cancel his plans and help her organise her mum's birthday. I'd be furious if my brothers left all the planning to me for our mum's big birthday

I try to just distance myself where I can and make it very clear to dh that it’s always his choice. Luckily he recognises the manipulation skills of certain members of his family!

I would take that as a compliment. She trusts you enough to be open and candid about her feelings surrounding this. She may also think that you might be able to sway him in changing his plans/mind.

He SHOULD be there for his mothers actual birthday plans IMO but you know what they about opinions. I would be annoyed at my sibling if they weren't for a milestone birthday. Ultimately, the decision lies with him.

It's a hard one and very emotional from the sounds of it. Try not to read too much into it. I think this has the potential to be one of those family "events" that may blow out of proportion.

What do you want to do here? Is it worth stirring up a hornet's nest over?

I think she's done the right thing by contacting your fiance, and I think she's got a point to be fair, an 80th birthday trumps going to see a wedding venue.. I daren't ask when the wedding is if you're still in the process of scouting for venues, is it next year or the year after?

She obviously found out that you'd decided to go away on her mums 80th birthday (from you) and feels it's a bit selfish of her brother to arrange that, so instead of giving you grief over it, she has rightly contacted her brother directly to give him grief over it.

It's not like she's gone behind your back, or gone above your head, as she already made her feelings known to you, but it's your fiance that she has the problem with so she's gone straight to the source, he's the one that has disregarded his mums birthday for this so why would she text you about that?

I'd wind your neck in if I was you.

I'd be more concerned that I was marrying a man who didn't think he needed to see his mum on her 80th, couldn't be bothered to mark the occasion or even turn up for the plan his sister made tbh. Its all well and good when that sort of disregard for people works in your favour because it means he does what you say, but I wouldn't bet my house not to be on the receiving end of it myself some day. And no, his sister was absolutely within her rights to talk to her brother about their mum. You are not gatekeeper of their family interactions, and I don't blame her wanting to hear it from the horses mouth.

@sandyhappypeople but in our texts when i was being told what my partner should be doing, i said to her ive just spoken to him and he is fine to still go and see the venue, so why then text him a few days later? did she not believe me?

I'm really surprised how many posters think it's normal to dictate to your siblings (or their spouses) what they should be doing and when. If I confronted one of my brothers over them not being there for a parent's birthday they'd tell me to fuck off (and same likewise).

She made it clear to you that she thought it was a selfish decision to skip his Mum's birthday to view a wedding venue, and she let him know that she had made plans for the birthday and gave him the option to come, hoping he'd do the right thing.

You've neatly sidestepped the question as to why you've decided to pick somewhere so inconvenient and far away to get married, leading me to wonder if it's one of those weddings where everything is designed to look great on instagram and be a PITA for all the guests.

Don’t think you need to get involved and who cares if she went behind your back? It’s your fiancé’s mother and his relationship to negotiate, with both his DM and DSis. He’s said he will be on the way back from the venue and therefore not available, and you’ve made alternate plans to take her for a meal already, so it’s a non-issue for you isn’t it?

Woah, there, Bridezilla, slow down!

Yes, her brother absolutely SHOULD be prioritising his own mum on her 80th birthday. If he hadn't noticed it was her 80th, he's a bit of a shit son. If his sister need to remind him to prioritise her, she should.

To make plans fannying around browsing wedding venues 6 hours away on his mum's major birthday is self-involved at the very least. It's not like many of us get 90th birthdays.

If your fiancé is old enough that his mother is turning 80, you both ought to be old enough to understand that not everything revolves around your wedding plans.

The sister wasn't sneaky. She spoke directly to her brother to tell him plans for their mum's birthday seeing as he was too slack to have arranged anything himself (which he could have done - it's not always the job of sisters).

You come across as angry she didn't just accept your (selfish) plans on their mum's big birthday.

@pinkducky lol - my fiance said she would never talk to him like that (telling him what he should be doing) because he would tell her to f off. he said i should be firm and mean back, but i wasn't. she uses different tactics for me, she tried to make me feel guilty (oh he should be spending it with her, he should know what he is doing) when i proceeded to tell her "ive just spoke to him and he is fine with still going to view our venue" she went quiet
then a few days later text him and said shes getting balloons and wants to celebrate the mum (to make him feel guilty) - rather than tell him WHAT HE SHOULD BE DOING shes smart and trys to pull on his heart strings. any advice @Redflagged does your DH side with you?

@sarahkeintong SIL did believe you, she just thought that she has more sway with your partner than you do, and that if she contacted him directly he'd abandon your plans.

@pinkducky thank you so much - honestly you've made me not feel crazy. this is EXACTLY what she thought (trust me, i know her) and it didn't work. i just really worry about my future and whether they think they can continue to try and manipulate my future husband to put the family before (one day) his own family.