Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

When she spoke to you, there was no plan. There was then a plan, had she not mentioned a plan after having made the plan then your husband to be would have been cross he hadn’t been informed of the new plan. She went directly to him because it involves his mother. She must have felt guilty that there was no plan the closer it got to her lovely mother’s massive milestone birthday so made one.
your fiancé could have involved her in your wedding viewing, he knew it was her birthday. Pretty sucky all round for you all, had he made you aware of the relevance of the date, do you think, would you have made a different plan?

You sound really selfabsorbed.

Its your partners mum. How would you feel if your child decided not to attend your birthday? Or your daughter in law decided not to attend your birthday.

Think ahead love, its not all about you and I feel for your inlaws.

My mum’s 80th was in August 2020. Lockdown had eased and we managed to arrange something to mark it, even though it wasn’t quite as we would have expected. Thank goodness we did because she died last October. Go to the 80th birthday.

“I was angry at my fiance”

Why? From what you’ve wrote what reason did you have to be angry with him, you also say you put your foot down but again from what you’ve wrote it didn’t need putting down because he told you not to worry because she doesn’t have a say on what he does

I think you’re marrying a good one there! I knows it’s his mums 80th and some people will say he’s should be there, but I think it’s a good sign that he’s keeping his plans with you and not at the beck and call of his family. I think his mum would probably understand too. I certainly would if my son had plans before anything else was organised. They may be his family. But he is acknowledging the family he is building with you by saying the wedding venue is as important to him as it is to you.
also, yes I do think your SIL was being sneaky. But no I wouldn’t say anything

Crikey OP, to me you seem really selfish. It seems your fiancé is trying to keep the peace and no-one will be happy (you don't want him rushing back). You clearly had not arranged a birthday dinner for your MIL before you spoke to his sister, as you didn't know it was her birthday. Why didn't you then invite his sister too?

I think 80th birthday trumps viewing a venue. You future MIL may have said she doesn't mind to cover up feeling hurt.

If this was my sil and I'd already got an answer I didn't like or didn't agree with I'd go to my brother. I can be blunt with my brother and we can come back from an argument or disagreement especially about our parents. I don't think I have that relationship with my sil. It's not about not seeing them as a united couple it's about it being something I'm not happy with my brother about. I think she was saving you from an awkward convo between siblings tbh.

You're both being very selfish, his mum's 80th birthday is once in a lifetime and it's very strange that you can only visit this venue on that particular weekend. I don't blame his sister- I'd be very angry if my brother behaved like that (although he definitely wouldn't and nor would his considerate wife).

I'm loving the drama.

An 80th birthday far surpasses looking at wedding venues! Also I can't believe nothing has been arranged yet, even if just a date to meet to celebrate. Your DH or SIL need to do something ffs, set a date, then you can work around that. Whether my own parents or PIL, I would put it as a priority.

Might be planning a surprise don’t ruin it

Your SIL was probably pretty shocked that when she asked about your MILs birthday you didn’t know anything about it and just said you were busy.

A more normal and kind response would have been an instinctive “oh bollocks, why didn’t fiancé tell me, we’ve arranged a venue visit. He’s such an idiot, I can’t believe he forgot his mum’s 80th! We’ll try to re-arrange. Is there anything we can do to help?”.

Of course SIL then spoke to her own brother!

This doesn't really make sense. At the time of your discussion with your SIL you didn't know it was your MILs birthday, and you didn't know whether your DH had remembered either.

Your DH might have wanted to cancel viewing the wedding venue on realising it was his mum's birthday. Your SIL gave him the opportunity because clearly you had answered for him by saying the venue viewing was immoveable - she didn't know he already knew and was fine with it (you didn't even know at that point!)

She's 80, she probably won't get many more. If I was him I'd make the effort to go to her birthday. Reschedule the wedding venue (I don't believe they can only fit you in on your future mil's birthday).

Your wedding doesn't trump family, I really hope your fiance realises at 80 his mother probably only has 10 birthdays left.

I understand his sister's view on this, and she had probably assumed he had forgotten so went to him to remind him.

Everyone says its his mums birthday he should be there etc etc but it's HIS mum right? Not Everyone does birthdays like you or I would I'm having a milestone birthday next year a celebration would be a nightmare for me I don't like them much maybe his mum is the same? Maybe she is happy going for a meal the day before?

If MIL is all about family won’t she want her son at birthday celebration that SIL has organised?

And I would say that she would have to discuss that with her brother and leave it at that

@Lovaduck74 i wish i did just say -speak to my husband as its his decision, i wish i didnt entertain it and go back and fourth and ask if there was a plan and say what we are doing etc.

my fiance was guilt tripped into buying her and her partners flights for there honeymoon (mum an air hostess and apparently me and him had used the flight passes) so he had to pay £1,200 in flight tickets. she text me saying thank you so much for letting him be involved in this for me and xxx, we are so grateful.

what does that even mean? am i reading into that or is that an odd thing to say? @KaleQueen @Sandyankles @sandyhappypeople @Lovaduck74 @pinkducky

Not sure on this one, can you elaborate a bit more?

How did they guilt trip him into paying for flights?

The message she sent you seems to be about more than flights, was that about the wedding itself?

It doesn’t matter that there wasn’t a “plan” it’s the date of her birthday and that’s that.

Your SIL was probably exasperated that she’s been left to make the plan. With an 80 year old mum, your husband must be at least in his late thirties - so why wasn’t he stepping up to think what to do for such a milestone birthday

I know. As if you need a plan to know to keep your mum's 80th free.

They must be exasperated at the length of the engagement and the OP only just taking the opportunity of an 80th birthday to start looking at wedding venues 6 hours away! It all seems rather bizarre.

It’s about time your partner told them that YOU are also his family now so also their family! He needs to remind them that while they’ll always be his family, he will be making his own family with you. BUT I think I’m your shoes I’d limit contact with SIL, in future if she asks what you’re doing on a set date, ask your DP to text her with a response. Or simply say ‘I’m not sure as don’t have my diary on me, if you want to arrange something please text your brother’… in future ask him to deal with his family.
I think I’d be seriously considering moving away at some point… I see a future where you and sis in law fall out, most likely when you have children and she can’t help but interfere, then takes offence when you tell her to fuck off

Well is she paying £1200 towards your wedding or honeymoon? That’s an excessive gift from a sibling!!

Your partner is too soft with his mum & sister… and my concern is that things will 100% not change when you’re married… if anything people seem to take their husband/wife for granted… a huge topic on here is Mother’s Day… where will he spend Mother’s Day when you have children?…. Will he be guilted into spending the whole day with his mum and not the mother of his babies!… Christmas… will it always be at his mums or will you be allowed to both go to your families…. Or will he be guilted into spending it separately to you? These are all things that won’t just stop because you’re married!
The fact he ‘refuses’ to discuss it is a concern too… I think it’s essential you can discuss these things!