I am 43F, my DP is 48. We have been together 4 years but do not live together and both separately rent 2 bedroom flats about a 40 minute drive from each other, ca. 9 miles, 1 hour door to door by train (I don't have a car). One reason being, I have prioritised good transport links for my job, whereas he has a 9 YO DD at school in his local area. His ex / her mum lives near to that area too so it's convenient for sharing 50/50 custody of her.
Originally he voluntarily said he was happy to relocate, that it would be fine if their DD spent more days of the week with his ex and that he wasn't put off by marriage. But he's since said he needs to stay in his location and do 50/50. He also casually said at a later date regarding marriage that he didn't know if he'd do it again. I got very upset on that point. He backtracked a bit saying the whole big wedding/ money etc. But I guess it's moot point when we don't live together.
I understand his DD is his priority. The issue is that we don't see each other enough and a big reason is because his exW is frequently asking him to do more of his fair share looking after their DD. She regularly takes time / evenings/ weekends that are supposed to be our time together and doesn't swap days/weekends or give that time back. The reality is she seems to find it difficult looking after her DD for more than a day or two at a time and seems to have an endless list of excuses why she needs a night/ another weekend off. I spend a fair bit of time with DP and his DD together and have taken her on many holidays with us, my parents and DS' family e.g. a week abroad and a few long weekends per year. Her mum doesn't take her on holiday saying it's too much hassle or she can't afford it - yet she goes on holidays with her boyfriend).
I would like DP to spend more quality time with me but the issue is he says "yes" to every request from his ex, no matter how unreasonable, inconvenient and regardless of whether he's committed to do something with me (latest example is today, bank holiday Monday - he managed to get his ex to agree to looking after their DD for the first bank holiday in 4 years - we have done all of the other bank holidays. After arguing with him she reluctantly agreed. Then yesterday/Sunday, she asked him if she could drop off their DD early on BH Monday/today, which meant he had to leave mine by 2pm and meant we couldn't do the drive out and hike we had planned). He left even earlier after a few hours of not having much to say to each other because he couldn't explain why he'd broken our plans for the day. My BH Monday was ruined. I could have done something nice with a friend instead. I feel that he is not making me a priority, he keeps letting me down (other occasions are the frequent Wednesday night or Friday night or alternate saturday we are supposed to spend together being cancelled last minute or a few days before, because his ex needs him to have DD) and he doesn't seem to care that it's hurting me or our relationship. It causes me a lot of stress and anguish and makes me feel unimportant to him. I get anxious in advance now that our plans/time together might be cancelled - and I am often right. She even last minute made up a reason she couldn't have DD the night before our early flight to go on holiday which was very stressful for us. She admitted to him it was too much for him to leave her alone with DD for a week. (She also told their DD before he could tell DD, that we were going on holiday for a week. DD got very upset saying she wanted to go, that it wasn't fair - even though we often take her away and her mum doesn't. She doesn't look t her mum to take her on holiday and looks to us. The onus is on us; his ex won't give him / us a break and it was unfair of her mum to tell his DD before DP could, which really upset DD - and in turn, us).
We've argued a lot about why he keeps saying yes to ex and no to me/to us. He doesn't seem to have an answer except he gets agitated and defensive and avoidant. He says he doesn't want conflict by saying no to ex, but then he is fine to then have conflict with me and say no to me...
We have a lot in common and we love each other (at least he says he loves me but I don't know if he can feel the same if he doesn't treat me the way I would like to be treated. I feel disrespected). I had hoped we'd be life partners. I'd consider relocating despite potential work transport problems (all while he gets to WFH most of time and his DD walks to school) except I am fearful that he will continue to be a doormat to his ex and by default allow me and my /our time, which is precious, to be walked over.
I will add that although we'd both like to be back on the property ladder, we'd 'rent' a 3 bed place for us and his DD before 'buying' because buying is a big commitment /stamp duty/ locked in 'til sold etc. He doesn't have many savings whereas I do. I also have a higher paying job. He chooses to stay in a relatively low paying job because it gives him flexibility with his DD school drop offs, pick ups (and his ex who over-depends on him). He doesn't seem to think much about his financial future e.g. his pension which he doesn't pay much into which worries me.
I will also add that his DD is soon ten and refuses to sleep in a room by herself (yet she will go to sleepovers at her friends or school camp). He has had to put a spare bed in her room and when I am there they go off to bed at 8pm and I get abandoned to sleep in his room alone. I can't help but feel he is too much a martyr to his DD, a doormat for his ex and frequently absent where I am concerned, physically and emotionally.
I have considered trying to speak to his ex about how her lack of responsibility impacts me, but it won't be easy as they only see each other for handovers of DD. Also he'd likely be angry if I spoke to her.
Other than this, he is kind, caring and we have much in common and I love him and I feel deeply sad at the thought of starting over. I was single for four years before him and before that I had a long relationship with someone with whom I was very incompatible in worse ways. There is no guarantee that I meet someone else and remain single and alone - or perhaps I meet someone with worse flaws/qualities. No one is perfect.
I am at a loss for what to do and looking for advice. Am I being a fool?