He won't protect our relationship

[Gessy]

I am 43F, my DP is 48. We have been together 4 years but do not live together and both separately rent 2 bedroom flats about a 40 minute drive from each other, ca. 9 miles, 1 hour door to door by train (I don't have a car). One reason being, I have prioritised good transport links for my job, whereas he has a 9 YO DD at school in his local area. His ex / her mum lives near to that area too so it's convenient for sharing 50/50 custody of her.
Originally he voluntarily said he was happy to relocate, that it would be fine if their DD spent more days of the week with his ex and that he wasn't put off by marriage. But he's since said he needs to stay in his location and do 50/50. He also casually said at a later date regarding marriage that he didn't know if he'd do it again. I got very upset on that point. He backtracked a bit saying the whole big wedding/ money etc. But I guess it's moot point when we don't live together.
I understand his DD is his priority. The issue is that we don't see each other enough and a big reason is because his exW is frequently asking him to do more of his fair share looking after their DD. She regularly takes time / evenings/ weekends that are supposed to be our time together and doesn't swap days/weekends or give that time back. The reality is she seems to find it difficult looking after her DD for more than a day or two at a time and seems to have an endless list of excuses why she needs a night/ another weekend off. I spend a fair bit of time with DP and his DD together and have taken her on many holidays with us, my parents and DS' family e.g. a week abroad and a few long weekends per year. Her mum doesn't take her on holiday saying it's too much hassle or she can't afford it - yet she goes on holidays with her boyfriend).
I would like DP to spend more quality time with me but the issue is he says "yes" to every request from his ex, no matter how unreasonable, inconvenient and regardless of whether he's committed to do something with me (latest example is today, bank holiday Monday - he managed to get his ex to agree to looking after their DD for the first bank holiday in 4 years - we have done all of the other bank holidays. After arguing with him she reluctantly agreed. Then yesterday/Sunday, she asked him if she could drop off their DD early on BH Monday/today, which meant he had to leave mine by 2pm and meant we couldn't do the drive out and hike we had planned). He left even earlier after a few hours of not having much to say to each other because he couldn't explain why he'd broken our plans for the day. My BH Monday was ruined. I could have done something nice with a friend instead. I feel that he is not making me a priority, he keeps letting me down (other occasions are the frequent Wednesday night or Friday night or alternate saturday we are supposed to spend together being cancelled last minute or a few days before, because his ex needs him to have DD) and he doesn't seem to care that it's hurting me or our relationship. It causes me a lot of stress and anguish and makes me feel unimportant to him. I get anxious in advance now that our plans/time together might be cancelled - and I am often right. She even last minute made up a reason she couldn't have DD the night before our early flight to go on holiday which was very stressful for us. She admitted to him it was too much for him to leave her alone with DD for a week. (She also told their DD before he could tell DD, that we were going on holiday for a week. DD got very upset saying she wanted to go, that it wasn't fair - even though we often take her away and her mum doesn't. She doesn't look t her mum to take her on holiday and looks to us. The onus is on us; his ex won't give him / us a break and it was unfair of her mum to tell his DD before DP could, which really upset DD - and in turn, us).
We've argued a lot about why he keeps saying yes to ex and no to me/to us. He doesn't seem to have an answer except he gets agitated and defensive and avoidant. He says he doesn't want conflict by saying no to ex, but then he is fine to then have conflict with me and say no to me...
We have a lot in common and we love each other (at least he says he loves me but I don't know if he can feel the same if he doesn't treat me the way I would like to be treated. I feel disrespected). I had hoped we'd be life partners. I'd consider relocating despite potential work transport problems (all while he gets to WFH most of time and his DD walks to school) except I am fearful that he will continue to be a doormat to his ex and by default allow me and my /our time, which is precious, to be walked over.
I will add that although we'd both like to be back on the property ladder, we'd 'rent' a 3 bed place for us and his DD before 'buying' because buying is a big commitment /stamp duty/ locked in 'til sold etc. He doesn't have many savings whereas I do. I also have a higher paying job. He chooses to stay in a relatively low paying job because it gives him flexibility with his DD school drop offs, pick ups (and his ex who over-depends on him). He doesn't seem to think much about his financial future e.g. his pension which he doesn't pay much into which worries me.
I will also add that his DD is soon ten and refuses to sleep in a room by herself (yet she will go to sleepovers at her friends or school camp). He has had to put a spare bed in her room and when I am there they go off to bed at 8pm and I get abandoned to sleep in his room alone. I can't help but feel he is too much a martyr to his DD, a doormat for his ex and frequently absent where I am concerned, physically and emotionally.
I have considered trying to speak to his ex about how her lack of responsibility impacts me, but it won't be easy as they only see each other for handovers of DD. Also he'd likely be angry if I spoke to her.
Other than this, he is kind, caring and we have much in common and I love him and I feel deeply sad at the thought of starting over. I was single for four years before him and before that I had a long relationship with someone with whom I was very incompatible in worse ways. There is no guarantee that I meet someone else and remain single and alone - or perhaps I meet someone with worse flaws/qualities. No one is perfect.
I am at a loss for what to do and looking for advice. Am I being a fool?

I don't think she would do any of those things. When she has the DD she does seem to take proper care and responsibility. So to any onlooker she looks like the model parent (parent evenings, plays etc) It's just she tries to get out of doing that as much as she can. She's never been put to the test because my DP just keeps saying "yes". My friend is a single parent and gets no help from her ex for her two young boys nor her family, she works full time and it is hard but she manages - she scrapes savings to take her boys on holiday, a caravan by the seaside for a week and can't afford to take a holiday with friends or by herself.

That's just silly. No one is perfect but it's one thing to be annoyed they want to eat pizza with cutlery and putting their child first and you think, their ex. Someone else won't have an ex that needs support.

Well if you won’t leave him, you’ll have to put up with it as it doesn’t sound like he will change anytime soon 🤷‍♀️

If you don't want to come second place to his daughter, then don't go out with a parent.

Me and DD's mum have been in a relationship together since before DD was born (obviously) and if needed, DD's needs come before DP's. The same is true vice versa.

That's what parenting is.

It sounds like your husbands ex isn't a fantastic parent. That makes it even more important that your DP is, and that his daughter knows she can always rely on him, even when her mother is a bit of a flake.

If you can't handle that, it's time to move on.

He's not going to marry you.

Men are far more pragmatic and calculating when it comes to marriage than women.
DH swears he will never marry again if anything happens to me, as he 'doesn't see the point' as he will have done it already., no further kids etc. He was incredulous when an old friend if ours remarried recently. Didn't get it at all.
I think women often have a far more romantic viewpoint and value the financial protection etc.
I don't think you sound compatible.

I am veering towards breaking up with him. You say "make me a priority some of the time". Well, so that I am being fair to him, I should say he does drive over to me every Friday night, he insists he spends nearly all his spare time with me (he doesn't get much because of his ex and he is frazzled). He cooks for me, does errands for me, tries to help me. It's just the cancelling on me and our plans because his ex keeps asking him to is what I can't get past

It was he who brought up the topic of marriage, probably just to ensnare me

This.

As a parent he is doing the right thing, its about prioritising his child and her care, which is what you do as a parent when your child's other parent won't care for them. Because of what his ex is like being a good parent to his child makes him a crappy partner, but he is doing the right thing as a parent. You need to decide what you can live with and if you can be happy with a relationship like this. You're own behaviour and actions are the only thing you have control off. Sometimes the people we love can't fit in our life the way we want them to. It can be right person wrong time or maybe the two of you actually aren't compatible, love isn't the only thing you need. If nothing changes what would you want to do, end things or go on living in limbo?

Unfortunately op, you aren’t & shouldn’t be a priority imo. His DD should.

It’s frustrating but it’s how it should be!

I look at it slightly differently from many on here. Lots of people saying he should accept as much time with his daughter as possible.

But if a parent is being flaky and frequently wanting to pass their kid to the other parent, disrupting plans that other parent had made and also that other parent's ability to relax and restore their mental health, it is not healthy. The flaky parent needs to be told "no", or at least steps need to be taken to address the issue (e.g. mental health problem, etc). Doesn't matter whether the parents are separated or not.

Also, I think you are underestimating how much this is affecting the DD. If she is still sleeping with mum / needs dad in the room with her to get to sleep, then it is likely she is feeling anxiety and insecurity. At least, she is not developing independence as she should. She will understand that mum is frequently ditching her, and that she is interfering with Dad's plans - how can she not?

Some of her upset over you holidaying without her may be due to insecurity, too.

I think DD needs more stability, with an agreed schedule that is followed (either the current one or a new one), and Dad needs to do whatever is necessary to arrange that, whether that is confronting the mother or being scheduled to see more of DD. Dad may be willing to confront mum for his daughter's sake, if not your's.

As for your relationship, it sounds like your partner does need to focus on their relationship with their daughter for now. But a) if they can provide their daughter more security, you should also get better clarity and reliability in your time with him, and b) she is 10 now, but will be getting more independent; if you can hold on for 6months to a year, you might see some changes, particularly when she goes to 'big' school.

I guess I was hoping to shame her into being a better parent. And let her know I am documenting her inability to take proper responsibility.

I doubt she cares what you are documenting.

this is 100% what i think, my DP doesn't really get to relax or have downtime because of ex. His DD is pingponged back and forth all week because her mum doesn't want to have her for more than a day or two at a time and never on a Sunday. I feel sorry for the child, sorry for my DP and sorry for myself and extreme resentment towards her mum who acts like she's mum of the year, plays the part of doting mum when she drops her off and tells me "make sure she eats lots of vegetables". I am raging inside , I want to say " drop the act and stop pingponging this poor child about, stop palming her off on my DP and anyone from school you can get to have her; take her on holiday for once so she doesn't wonder why her mum never takes her away or even has her a bank holiday weekend!"

tell that to my DP's ex

Thank god she has a good dad then.

Hes such a limp yellow lettuce

Doesn't he give you the ick?

Why do you want to be with a man like this?

I am the one who does the holiday research and books it, I pay half for the accommodation even abroad during school holidays when it's more expensive. Some of the holidays are visiting my family / booking accommodation near them (usually near the beach / a seaside town). Before he met me I think he hardly did any holidays with DD. Maybe once a year to visit his family for a couple days.
Damn right I am resentful about being treated like an afterthought, like plans with me don't matter when his ex clicks her fingers and my time is there to be wasted when i could have spent it with a friend etc.

I am beginning to think this too. He has many good qualities and he has done many nice things for me. But the above still seems true.

just a shame he can't be a good dad and a good DP to me too. They shouldn't and neednt be mutually exclusive. He just needs to get a backbone where his ex his concerned but he won't , so.

well the implication would be that if I lived with DP and she didn't want to do her job as a parent then we'd seek full custody.

Its down to him to say something.
What goes on between them as parents as nothing to do with you.
You will always be second best and rightfully so child comes first.
If you dont like it end it and date men that dont have kids.

Yes you can.

He doesn’t want to.

If they had a flaky ex and had to step in to parent I'd understand fully. I might only make plans with them where I didnt mind a last minute cancellation or in a group, that wouldn't be because I thought they were doing the wrong thing, just I didn't want to be left doing it alone. You do have a choice, it's whether to end things or not and that's not because he's wrong it's because he's not in a place where he can meet your needs and may not be for many more years.

If the person you have kids with turns out to be a dud as a parent then you step up, that's what good parents do. Have you ever asked him what he thinks will happen to his DD if he doesn't say yes? I know my ex would make it obvious to our DC that he wanted to be doing the thing he planned and wasn't getting to do it because I wouldn't have them and then they'd feel unwanted by 2 parents. If she's not willing to be a good parent he can't make her be one.

The fact she seems to be an ok parent the times she does have DD means nothing, it's easy to fake it if you're mostly just doing a day or two a week. She's obviously not a good parent because of the way she's messing her DD around. This will be having a big impact on DD. As a good parent your DP is doing what he can to make DD feel secure and reduce this impact. She knows one parent is there for her and does prioritise her and does want to spend all the time they can with her. She needs that. If your child's other parent won't do those things then you have to do them for the sake of your child.

While he is seemingly a great dad, he is spineless and has zero respect for your time or boundaries; while his daughter is under 18 this won’t change.
Moving in with him may seem like the solution; it will be you making the sacrifices and you still won’t be able to make plans.
Sticking with him because “all decent men have kids” or because you may not find anyone else are not reasons to put up with being constantly let down; you will always have this resentment.
Who knows, as his daughter grows up and becomes less dependent on him he may have more flexibility; perhaps revisit the relationship then if you want to but for now, cool it off, enjoy your free time doing what you want to do and meet new people,
see him for a drink when YOU’re free but as it stands he doesn’t have space for you because he is a doormat and that’s his own fault.