Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My world has imploded

250 replies

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:18

Just found out that my husband doesn’t want to be with me. We have three dependent children together. I have no family to support me here so feeling very alone and scared. I left my job to become a full time mother.
I don’t even know where to start.
any advice will be welcome.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 23/08/2024 21:18

OP, so sorry, I've walked this mile. My advice to you is agree to nothing, tell him you're seeking legal advice and cut that conversation off. He is NOT your friend. He's not having a breakdown, there will be somebody else. Gather as much financial information as you can find. Don't do the pick me dance. He needs to move out, start paying maintenance for the children and organising regular contact. If you are in the UK, apply for UC if that is appropriate. Be strong, make sure you eat and stay hydrated. You will get through this Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 23/08/2024 21:19

@slowlygin

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is the beginning of the journey for you, but I'd be willing to bet that he's at least few miles ahead of you on this difficult road. You'll need to do a little catching up, and the best way to do that is to see a solicitor immediately and stealthily. He must not know. So, if you don't have access to funds in your own name, then reach out to your family, wherever they may be and beg or borrow the money.

In fact, I think you need to speak to your family regardless. Even if they're across the country they can still offer you emotional support. Many times we shrink from this as it makes it too 'real'. Well, my friend, it IS real. Not confiding about it won't make it go away.

I cannot stress how important knowing your legal position is. We (at least most of us) are not solicitors so the advice we give you is based on our own experiences and those of our friends and family, as well as I suppose a general knowledge of 'how this works'. But to know how it is to work best for you, you need to get your own advice. So make that appointment and do the research and possibly the actual house/compuler search for documents so you can tell the solicitor your monthly household expenses and your and H's monthly income and assets/investments. But if you can't find that information, don't let that stop you from seeing a solicitor. They can still give you very useful information and guidance.

At this point do NOT speak about or agree to anything he says! Sign nothing if he puts any papers before you. Do NOT agree to the house going on the market. Your response should be "I cannot think about that now" or "I'll have to give that some thought". And remember "Silence is Golden", so if you can't think what to say, say nothing.

Listen, you're going to hear a lot of speculation on why he's doing this. But IMHO, at this point does the 'why' really matter? Don't waste good emotional energy on trying to figure out the workings of his fucked up brain. He's ending the marriage. So you need to concentrate on the 'what' and the 'how' of ending up in the best position for the future.

As others have mentioned, separate bedrooms if at all possible. And if you so choose no more 'home comforts. He can do his own laundry, cooking, cleaning up after himself, life admin. If he wants to be single, let it begin now.

Please, as hard as it may be, behave with dignity. No crying or hysterics. No begging or pleading. Yes, he deserves it but it will it will only serve to further his aims and his self-justification. So dignity in all things, you will be glad in the end.

Candlesandmatches · 23/08/2024 21:20

@slowlygin do you want a divorce? Or do you want to stay married?
What you want matters.
Often one spouse says they don’t want to be married. But then later change their mind.
If you want to stay married it’s ok to be calm and state that.
He made vows to you and you to him. Those vows matter.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 23/08/2024 21:22

I thought my exh was having a 'breakdown' how wrong was I, there was another women. Had all the signs when I look back, mentionitus beefing the biggest warning.

Easipeelerie · 23/08/2024 21:23

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 19:29

He gets so stressed out with the children. I don’t think that he’s capable of standing up and supporting them through the shitshow he is creating.

What is this like? Is he aggressive/physical with them? Would they be safe seeing him in the future?

DisabledDemon · 23/08/2024 21:27

A 50/50 split but you will have the children - so you will both have to find new places to live but yours will need to be bigger because of the children except you'll be doing that on the 50% he has graciously allotted to you. My, isn't he magnanimous!😒I hope he's braced himself for a hefty dose of child support because you're the one who will have all the additional expenses to meet and he needs to step up.

Your next stop needs to be a solicitor and quickly - and remember, no mercy.

lazybrownfox · 23/08/2024 21:33

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 18:59

Very much in shock. No family close by but in same country. Found out a few days ago. Just posted here today as I know that I need to pull myself together and make the right moves.

Are you in the Uk? If not then much of this advice could be redundant.

Thehonestbadger · 23/08/2024 21:38

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:32

Thank you Catoo for that lovely response. I think that he’s having some kind of breakdown and this has surfaced alongside it. I’ve had a terrible year so far and this has completely shattered me. He said that he wants to sell the house and go for a 50/50 split and that I will have the children.

😂😂😂😂

So he wants to walk away with half of the finances, his own full time wage and non of the child related responsibility? 😂😂😂😂

He’s delusional. There are 5 people in your marriage so I’d expect him to walk away with 1/5 👍🏻 and a hearty child maintenance bill but given he’s self employed I suspect this will disappear

Allthehorsesintheworld · 23/08/2024 21:39

As others have said grey rock, don’t agree to anything. I’ll have to think about that, I’ll have to consider that…… be vague.
Find everything you can. If he’s self employed you might find VAT returns, money paid into his business a/c —- photograph everything.
Im afraid it does stink of OW. Men often clothe this as a “breakdown”.
Just concentrate on getting through this weekend.
It’s a shock at the moment , be prepared to feel very angry.

GHSP · 23/08/2024 21:46

I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time. I hope you can find some comfort from the many many women who have been in this place and moved on from it. Even if you find your world doesn’t stop spinning for a bit, there will be a time, maybe once the kids are back at school, that thinks settle down for long enough for you to see a more steady future ahead for you and your children.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2024 21:46

I am not in any way making light of the horrendous shock you've had, but your world has absolutely not imploded. You are alive and healthy. Your children are alive and healthy. For as shit as this is, you will, 100%, get through it. No one will tell you it will be fun, but you will come out the other side.

As of right now, it's time to get very, very strategic. You are in the beginning stages of a war and you need to be cunning and ruthless. Your husband doesn't just get to waltz off into the fucking sunset without consequences. Do not allow him to get away with not parenting his kids. Insist on it.

Livelovebehappy · 23/08/2024 21:50

Blueglazzier · 23/08/2024 17:24

Some helpful kindly suggestions on here because we all feel for you . No matter how much you think you know this man , no matter the loving years , no matter the beautiful babies you made together, believe me , you don't know him as you think you do . He will become a stranger to you , and you need to be prepared . Be strong and wise .

Very best wishes 🙏

Absolutely agree with this. He wants to be your ‘friend’ because he thinks it will be to his advantage to keep you onside. But do not believe him. He’s checked out of your marriage and the vows you made. He will be all for himself. A lot of us have been in your situation, and it really is devastating when the one person you thought you could trust with your life, who you thought you knew, becomes a cold callous person who no longer looks after your best interests. Stay strong, and do what’s best for you and your dcs. See a solicitor. He wants to be your friend for an easy ride, but don’t give him that easy ride. Sending you positive hugs. Xx

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 23/08/2024 21:52

I’m so sorry, OP. I imagine you feel like the sky is falling in.

There’s some great advice on here but if you’re overwhelmed, focus on a) looking after you, finding support - friends, family, counsellor etc b) look after the kids and c) make an appointment with a family law solicitor.

The rest can happen in due course. Although it’s great to get details of assets, income, bank accounts etc if you can, there isn’t any rush if you can’t manage it right now - if he was going to hide anything he’d already have done it before he told you he was leaving. (If you suspect that’s the case then a solicitor can advise you on whether a forensic accountant would be a good idea.)

One step at a time, and good luck. I’ve been through this (though I kicked ex-h out when I discovered a whole word of infidelity with sex workers) and I’m thriving and so are the kids - one day, you will be too.

countrysidelife2024 · 23/08/2024 21:53

its not fair to go 50/50 if the kids are 100/0

He can work to get back to where he was, you cant/ will find it harder.

It should be 70/30 and then child maintenance per child going forward.

countrysidelife2024 · 23/08/2024 21:53

plus he is probably your "friend" so that you accept 50/50. don't buy into it

BlackShuck3 · 23/08/2024 21:56

OP, I'm so sorry. My advice is to keep a log of everything that happens. It does sound as if there's a chance things could be amicable between you🙏💛

Bluesandwhites · 23/08/2024 21:57

OP, please get a pin number on your phone, not the kids dates of birth or your own, something your STBXH won't suss, and remember to delete your search history from online searches. Agree with greyrock method, just be cool with him, you can cry in private. Good luck, and under no circumstances leave the house, if he wants to sell he will need an expensive court order to get you and the kids out, and he will look like a *@>< for even trying this.

Branleuse · 23/08/2024 21:59

Hes not your friend. Hes got another woman. Men dont tend to leave unless theres another woman to go to. Theyll deny it and deny it, but its true.
My ex husband pulled similar on me. He was furious that i got 60/40, and we only had one child.

TheSquareMile · 23/08/2024 22:12

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

DysonSphere · 23/08/2024 22:23

Annon1986 · 23/08/2024 20:18

Some of these comments are so sad to see, making judgements on this man without knowing even half the story. Of course we want to be here to support women, but we have to understand that the most likely factor of death for men under 45 is suicide, encourage open communication, and try to understand why this has happened

Well let's remember that some women attempt suicide after being abandoned and dumped by their husbands. And women attempt suicide more often than men.

I know of one woman in RL who ended up sectioned after doing just that, after her husband had an affair with a woman she befriended and extended kindness to and invited into her home. He then abandoned her and their 4 children, all boys, two of whom had complex disabilities, to move in with the other woman and take care of her two children from a previous relationship.

Men can be bloody cruel and in non-western societies there is more wider family and societal disapproval for men who behave like the OPs husband.

Greategret · 23/08/2024 22:24

They always want to be your friend. They are always going to be reasonable about money. This phase is very short-lived and then they are trying to give you as little as they possibly can while rewriting the history of your marriage. I am sorry but men rarely walk out on their marriage without having someone else on hand. He is unlikrly to be having a breakdown.

Please get legal advice and concentrate on getting as much money as you can. Realistically, depending on the ages of the children, the cost of half of the childcare might be more than you can earn at this stage even assuming he were to pay enough to cover the other half.

Don't listen to posters saying he'll be reasonable. I'm a solicitor , not in the UK, and these reasonable men are few and far between. Telling his SAHM wife on the telephone that he wants to leave her 100% with the three children, sell up and take half of the assets leaving her and the children homeless while being her friend does not, in any way, suggest he will be reasonable. Concentrate on getting as much as you can including half of his superannuation and anything else you can lay your hands on.

Confusedmeanderings · 23/08/2024 22:25

I really feel for you OP. There is some great advice here. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. We're here for you!

Easipeelerie · 23/08/2024 22:35

Really good advice on this thread today.

LostittoBostik · 23/08/2024 22:43

johnd2 · 23/08/2024 20:22

I think 50:50 is fair enough, as long as it includes pension, business, etc, etc. and also he is going to pay spousal maintenance for ever and child maintenance until the children are old enough to look after themselves.
On the other hand if he wants a clean break on the spousal maintenance and wants to keep the business, then he's going to have to offer a lot more than 50%
You'll get advice from a solicitor and then have mediation, so make sure you take your solicitor's advice when making decisions. This is your and your children's future.
Take care.

Edited

Yup!

YellowAsteroid · 23/08/2024 22:53

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:32

Thank you Catoo for that lovely response. I think that he’s having some kind of breakdown and this has surfaced alongside it. I’ve had a terrible year so far and this has completely shattered me. He said that he wants to sell the house and go for a 50/50 split and that I will have the children.

No, no, no, no.

He does not get to tell you how it will go.

He is not your friend. Assume EVERYTHING he says comes from a place of doing you & your children harm.

And cherchez la femme ...

So sorry this has happened. @Greategret 's advice is wonderful.

Also, here's a link to a post about "The Script" (one of many) on Chumpladfy.com:

www.chumplady.com/do-cheaters-all-work-from-the-same-script/

And a great MN thread on The Script
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3802992-The-script

The script... | Mumsnet

Hi, Looking for thoughts, opinions and advice if anyone can spare some time please. DH of 14 years has given me half the 'script', he's not sure if...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3802992-The-script

Swipe left for the next trending thread