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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My world has imploded

250 replies

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:18

Just found out that my husband doesn’t want to be with me. We have three dependent children together. I have no family to support me here so feeling very alone and scared. I left my job to become a full time mother.
I don’t even know where to start.
any advice will be welcome.

OP posts:
DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 23/08/2024 20:02

Grey rock.
Discuss nothing.
Get a very good lawyer this coming week.
Put yourself first from now on.
He definitely has a 'soft landing' arranged.

SparklyBlueTop · 23/08/2024 20:02

What are his reasons for ending your marriage?

Usually when men want to escape like this it's because they're having a fling .
Have you sensed anything 'off' in the past few months?

They rarely choose to disappear off to live in a bedsit.
Usually it's a 'grass is greener' and some woman is in the background.

Don't agree to anything with finances.
You may be able to stay in the house till your children are 18.

Find a divorce solicitor- start with googling your home town for websites- and see someone.

Tell your H to go and live somewhere else in the meantime.
If he wants out he can find somewhere to live now.

Woodenwonder · 23/08/2024 20:05

Genuine 'breakdowns' are few and far between...

Thesekind of common-or-garden breakdowns though tend to come about due to juggling two (or more) women without looking like a total shithead.

Unfortunately, that's the truth 99.9% of the time. So protect your own interests and sit back and watch the cliche unfold. Sorry you're going through this OP.

Elizo · 23/08/2024 20:14

oakleaffy · 23/08/2024 19:46

@slowlygin ''It's as if he's having a breakdown''

This is a common thing for women to think.

Sadly, once children are on the scene, many men's attitudes change and they don't like the noise, mess, general changes that come with having children around- and many look elsewhere for sex, and have affairs.

I'd bet already that there is another woman on the scene.

You definitely need good legal advice, but this isn't cheap.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. {I never thought my husband would leave , either!}

It's a shock, physically , mentally and financially.

Having been through this too, I agree. We all think our partner is having a breakdown, 9 times out of 10 they met someone else.

Annon1986 · 23/08/2024 20:18

Woodenwonder · 23/08/2024 20:05

Genuine 'breakdowns' are few and far between...

Thesekind of common-or-garden breakdowns though tend to come about due to juggling two (or more) women without looking like a total shithead.

Unfortunately, that's the truth 99.9% of the time. So protect your own interests and sit back and watch the cliche unfold. Sorry you're going through this OP.

Some of these comments are so sad to see, making judgements on this man without knowing even half the story. Of course we want to be here to support women, but we have to understand that the most likely factor of death for men under 45 is suicide, encourage open communication, and try to understand why this has happened

johnd2 · 23/08/2024 20:22

I think 50:50 is fair enough, as long as it includes pension, business, etc, etc. and also he is going to pay spousal maintenance for ever and child maintenance until the children are old enough to look after themselves.
On the other hand if he wants a clean break on the spousal maintenance and wants to keep the business, then he's going to have to offer a lot more than 50%
You'll get advice from a solicitor and then have mediation, so make sure you take your solicitor's advice when making decisions. This is your and your children's future.
Take care.

diddl · 23/08/2024 20:23

Some of these comments are so sad to see, making judgements on this man without knowing even half the story. Of course we want to be here to support women, but we have to understand that the most likely factor of death for men under 45 is suicide, encourage open communication, and try to understand why this has happened

Well he's told Op that he no longer wants to be with her.

When my ex told me that (it was an affair) my concern was me tbh!

Woodenwonder · 23/08/2024 20:24

Annon1986 · 23/08/2024 20:18

Some of these comments are so sad to see, making judgements on this man without knowing even half the story. Of course we want to be here to support women, but we have to understand that the most likely factor of death for men under 45 is suicide, encourage open communication, and try to understand why this has happened

Show quote history

I'll take your point and if it turns out that he is the anomaly and that no other connections with other women come to light then I'll say you are right and I'm wrong. It's just a waiting game to see how this breakdown pans out. I'm pretty confident though, I've got to be honest.

diddl · 23/08/2024 20:34

encourage open communication, and try to understand why this has happened

Personally I think Op should be saving her energy for herself not trying to find out why he has made the decision.

The why won't change it!

GivingitToGod · 23/08/2024 20:40

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 17:35

You are a wise lot and I am very grateful for every post. Just making supper for the children. Still have primary school age children. He’s not home yet. Might not get chance to respond for a while but I appreciate all of the advice that I am receiving.

Has this come completely out of the blue OP?
Could he be having some sort of crisis? I'm not making excuses for him but I think you need to dig deeper. Have you been communicating?
It is exhausting looking after small children. What has brought this on ?
Take care OP

stayathomer · 23/08/2024 20:46

I’d also wonder what the story is, hasn’t nearly every woman had the ‘is this it?’ thing, they’re (women!) wrecked, overworked, feeling like life is just an ongoing cycle, is there a chance men have similar but think it’s realistic to change it all? I think definitely keep hold of all the advice above but I wouldn’t agree with the grey rock, I think you need to talk this out even a little but try and preserve your energy. Also contact family and friends and tell them. You need to get this out. I’m so sorry op x

mathanxiety · 23/08/2024 20:54

RB68 · 23/08/2024 17:12

Dont believe a word he says for now - friend will soon change when he realises you are entitled to a lot more if he is leaving you with the children, also as he is self employed believe me he will minimise his income to minimise what child support he has to pay.

For me plan of action

  1. Set up your own finances to which he has no access
  2. Investigate what benefits you are entitled to in the short term
  3. see a solicitor about the financial settlement - divorce is the easy bit to be honest. Starting point is 50/50 but you can make a case for more. You will be providing the main residence for 3 other people that he has responsibility for as well. He is self employed and will turn into a slippery eel. Ask about a residency order on the house and the possibility of making him leave. Him hanging around is prolonging things being sorted and makes it difficult for the children to understand
  4. Check what documentation you have and find and copy as much as you can - do not hand this over to anyone always keep it - if they want it copy it for them
  5. Try and understand what you can about his business
  6. make sure the children have all their uniforms for school and winter clothes paid for out of the joint account - as you are not currently working I would include yourself in that as well.
  7. Start to think about what work you can do - do you need to do a qualification can you get that paid for as well? Or once separated is it something you can do for free?
  8. Keep everything with him on an even keel until such time as you are ready to go
Good luck

Get documentation of his salary from the business. If he pays it into the joint account you may have a rough idea of his income.

He may or may not have been paying the full amount though.

Have you ever seen a tax bill?

Does his business employ a tax accountant?

TheNuthatch · 23/08/2024 20:55

I'm so sorry OP. You must feel horrendous right now. There is already some awesome advice upthread to get you started. Everything you do now is for you and your children, not him. Remember he's been planning this, so he may already have his ducks in a row.
I totally agree that you need some legal advice asap without him knowing.
Get clued up quickly about his business hun. It's much easier to hide or move money around if he has a business. Find out and copy all you can find, even if you don't understand it. Is he a sole trader? Or is it a Ltd company? Is he the director of that Ltd company? Is he paying himself a minimum wage for tax purposes and the rest in dividends? Is he putting some of the income in your name as if you are an employee to avoid tax? The more you find out, the better. Good luck this weekend, it's gonna be tough for you, stay strong 💪

Frith2013 · 23/08/2024 20:56

I had the children 99% of the time so asked for (and got via a judge) 70% of everything in my divorce.

Best of luck, OP.

R053 · 23/08/2024 20:58

Annon1986 · 23/08/2024 20:18

Some of these comments are so sad to see, making judgements on this man without knowing even half the story. Of course we want to be here to support women, but we have to understand that the most likely factor of death for men under 45 is suicide, encourage open communication, and try to understand why this has happened

Show quote history

I lost sympathy for him when he wanted to sell the house, take 50% of everything but also leave the OP full time with the children, who are probably quite young and having to find a new home. She is understandably terrified as she doesn’t work and has no family nearby. Posters (with their own bad experiences) just want to protect the OP from having the wool pulled over her eyes.

Frith2013 · 23/08/2024 20:59

I also got to stay in the house until my children were 18 (4 and 1 when we divorced). I then carried on living in the house, by paying him the 30% that I owed him.

There are loads of possible variations. Tell him it is much too soon to discuss finances.

See a solicitor.

Bluesandwhites · 23/08/2024 21:00

@Catoo

What wonderful advice Catoo. You don't exaggerate and you are spot on.

Notamum12345577 · 23/08/2024 21:06

Lookingforunicorns · 23/08/2024 19:04

He will have to pay a good chunk of spousal maintenance and more than a 50/50 split if he wants you to have the kids all of the time.
Get the best lawyer you can afford. Even if you have to borrow
The fact that you have raised kids and sacrificed your career is highly relevant.
If you lived together before getting married, this also counts towards the duration of the relationship.
Find all records you can. Life insurance, pensions, savings, debts, mortgages. Take copies.
Be prepared for the inevitable other woman.
He will rewrite reality so be prepared not to recognise him or the story he is telling himself and others.
He is not the man you married. Nor is he your friend.
So sorry you are going through this.

Spousal maintenance is rare. Do you mean child maintenance?

Notamum12345577 · 23/08/2024 21:08

OWRLOSERS · 23/08/2024 19:12

There's most definitely an OW. Thousands of men pull the old...'still want to be friends, I love you but am not in love with you' stunt.

You need to harden your heart and put you and the children firstk...don't play a pick me dance if you discover an OW.

‘Most definitely’? He is hurt her, and I’m not saying that he is right for wanting to split with her, but why does that mean he has another woman? If it was a woman who wanted to split with her husband, would you say she definitely has someone else?

coolkatt · 23/08/2024 21:09

You need to start getting smart hun, put the tears to the side for just a second and get copies of every single important letter and document in your home. Mortgage, cars, debt, bank statements, bills the whole lot. Then get to see a solicitor ASAP.
I know I sound callous but please do this it is so important. Copy every single thing you can.

Notamum12345577 · 23/08/2024 21:10

I’m sorry he has hurt you. However, let’s assume he will be fair. I know in MM world nearly all mean are nasty and will try and shaft their ex, but in real life the majority don’t and will be fair

LadyLindaT · 23/08/2024 21:10

Corny expression, but please "Lawyer up" immediately, Please protect yourself.

Trebol · 23/08/2024 21:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

coolkatt · 23/08/2024 21:13

Sorry not read
Previous messages but yes fab advice u have had already. , get the money side in order for you asap. Start moving things
Away that he
May take, as in valuable things, jewellery etc. move money into your own bank literally now.