My world has imploded

[slowlygin]

Just found out that my husband doesn’t want to be with me. We have three dependent children together. I have no family to support me here so feeling very alone and scared. I left my job to become a full time mother.
I don’t even know where to start.
any advice will be welcome.

Mental health crisis - 99.9% = OW

He is not your friend

Maybe she has just found out, he hasn't been faithful for years.

Agree with this. Am going through a divorce at the moment, and have been shocked how quickly things turned sour and difficult once we got down to the nuts and bolts of the finances. I've been - very much with his consent - a SAHM for years and the children all still live with me, but he's tried to really screw me over financially. He like your H runs his own business and I found out he'd been seeing other women.

A good solicitor has saved my bacon, and is guiding me through it all. It's SO important you think long term , and protect yours and your children's futures. 50/50 may well not be in your best interests as you will be 'on the back foot' after being a SAHM & it sounds like you will be primary carer going forward.

Don't worry about finding his financial paperwork etc, as part of the divorce he will be required to give full financial disclosure. Again, a good solicitor will guide you through.

I filed for divorce online - cost iirc c £600 - then had a 45 min appointment with a family solicitor. I've stuck with her, and she has been dealing well with ex's shenanigans. It's a real shock when you suddenly find yourself faced with someone you really don't know, despite living with for years. As others have said, he's not your friend - don't be afraid to be called selfish, unreasonable, heartless etc by him now. Concentrate on you & the dc.

Sadly not a surprise. Possible that OW gave him an ultimatum.
Protect yourself @slowlygin agree to nothing unless it’s sanctioned by your lawyer and you’re 100% happy to do so.
You’ll get through this.

Edit. With online banking you can download statements. Save as much info as you can. My friend’s ex hid thousands and screwed her out of about 30k. ( and that was 15 years ago)

💐

Someone may have already mentioned tgat you need his business accounts. If he's a limited company they should be available through companies house. Or you might be able to find paperwork.

Good luck.

As you are separated you can start to claim benefits now, check what you are entitled to. I would also start to look for work. Not only is it the first step to getting financial independence, it will get you out of your own head over the coming months and expand your social circle.

You've got this, I promise.

So sorry OP. He obviously didn’t tell your eldest the whole story did he. I remember my Dad breaking down crying saying please don’t hate me when he was having an affair with my Mums best friend.
There is some brilliant advice on here . Time to put your self and your children first.

Sending hugs op, I'm so sorry. It did stink of a lying cheating b#stard when I read your op.

Breakdown my arse 🤬

Whatever awful shit you've found out, none of this is your fault hun. Don't let him rewrite your marriage. At least you know the truth now.

No. Not on a thread where the OP describes yet another story of a man abandoning & doing the dirty on his family...sadly a very familiar story.

Male mental health stats are an entirely separate issue. If the OP's husband was unhappy it was up to him, as a responsible adult in the relationship, to communicate that to her and try to resolve things. That ship has sailed now I am afraid.....the OP needs to focus solely on her and her dependent children's interests.

Her STBX has fired her from the job of caring for him, so if he needs support he can seek it elsewhere - from his friends/family or (if there is one) OW.

You will get through this and you and your children will come out the other side. As you say, your world feels like it has imploded, but you will have better days and gradually you will build a better life.
As others have said, speak to a solicitor and focus on keeping everything as good as possible for the children. I hope you have family or friends you can talk to. Take moments when you can, even if it’s just a cup of tea in the bath.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. These are the darkest times but life will get brighter.

Sorry you’ve had more shocking news. It’s terrible the misery some people will put their partners (and children) through. I will remind you that his behaviour says everything about his inadequacy and bad character and zero about you. Keep on keeping on and stay strong. How are things going re solicitor/ divorce/ the move/ finances/ kids? Have you got some supportive friends/ family helping you navigate?

Unfortunately its often the case that there is much more happening behind the scene than

I just don't want to be with you any more

im sorry this is happening I your life

stand back, take stock slowly and say good bye to your old life but forge your own new

Agree with all the advice - especially:
don’t trust him
he is not your friend
stay as calm and detached as you can - and get all documents together that you can .
if it’s been going on for years - you deserve to be well shot of him . You will find happiness and peace on the other side - so keep that in mind

I think the cognitive dissonance caused by having an affair causes mental health issues. It cannot be good for mental health knowing that you are lying and deceiving and putting your loved one at risk of an std. It is abusive behaviour.

In an affair you are simultaneously being told you are amazing, wonderful etc by your affair partner. The highs of the affair (dopamine hits from the ego kibbles) vs the reality of coming home knowing you are a liar cannot be good for anyone’s mental health.

I believe the first person we lie to is ourself.

Op your priority is you and the children.

Sorry to read the updates OP.
Glad he’s moved out for now.
You’ll get through this.
💐

He sounds to me like a philanderer and a meth user.

Did you have any inkling? I'm so sorry.

Do not agree to a 50/50 split. You might find you're entitled to remain in the family home while the children are underage as you're the primary carer and any court will be concerned with their welfare. At a later date, then it'll be sold, but by that time you'll have had a while to consider your options.

I read this thread with so much suspicion and trepidation. And I KNEW he was going to turn out to be a liar.

Get your ducks in a row. Harness your anger and get what you deserve.

I’m so sorry to hear your update @slowlygin They always go with the mental health breakdown story and then 95%+ of the time an OW appears on the scene a couple of months later.

You’ve already had excellent advice from others:

• See a divorce lawyer

• Dont agree to anything with him verbally or in text/email. When he is offering you 50/50 deals, just respond “I’ll speak to my lawyer about your suggestions”

• Now he has moved out, make sure you are getting Child Benefit, put in a claim for Child Maintenance ASAP and look to see what benefits you might be entitled to.

• He is not your friend! Be polite and reasonable to his face…….. but do not trust him to treat you fairly, do not tell him what you are doing behind the scenes. Do not be forced into conversations you do not want to have or agree to anything - have a few memorised phrases ready to go “I’ll need to have a think about that” “I’d prefer not to discuss that right now” “That doesn’t work for me”.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP. I've been in a very similar situation and know how it feels to have the rug pulled from under you.

You've had some great advice on this thread and I promise you WILL get through this, I rarely give my ex a second thought these days, but at the time I couldn't fathom that I'd ever get over him.