My world has imploded

[slowlygin]

Just found out that my husband doesn’t want to be with me. We have three dependent children together. I have no family to support me here so feeling very alone and scared. I left my job to become a full time mother.
I don’t even know where to start.
any advice will be welcome.

Take it from one who knows along with 1000,s of other women on here, he is not your friend. My ex pulled that bullshit too. Friends wouldn't treat you like that. Solicitor ASAP, that puts the shittters up them. Seriously you will get more knowledgeable advice on here than I can give. But wishing you and your kids all the best and good luck.

They always say they want to be friends OP. What they mean is they want to get as much financially as they can. Then when it isn’t going their way, you see what you’re really dealing with. And there will be an OW.

Get as much info as you can about the business. My friends H hid all of his business assets and far worse.

He’s had a head start on you. So be super proactive next week while seeming laid back to him.

We’re all behind you.
Some great advice here about getting clothes etc for DC before he starts cutting off the amount that goes into the shared account.

💐

Ah, he'll say that now (and might even believe it to a degree) but he is motivated by protecting his interests.

I've been there. It all feels very amicable at the start but as soon as the solicitors get involved and he realises his assurances that you'll still get 50% (even though you don't contribute financially) actually look a lot more like you'll get more because you have sacrificed your income to raise his children, he'll get pretty unfriendly, pretty quickly.

You're still in shock at the moment

Very much in shock. No family close by but in same country. Found out a few days ago. Just posted here today as I know that I need to pull myself together and make the right moves.

He will have to pay a good chunk of spousal maintenance and more than a 50/50 split if he wants you to have the kids all of the time.
Get the best lawyer you can afford. Even if you have to borrow
The fact that you have raised kids and sacrificed your career is highly relevant.
If you lived together before getting married, this also counts towards the duration of the relationship.
Find all records you can. Life insurance, pensions, savings, debts, mortgages. Take copies.
Be prepared for the inevitable other woman.
He will rewrite reality so be prepared not to recognise him or the story he is telling himself and others.
He is not the man you married. Nor is he your friend.
So sorry you are going through this.

Also ignore him if he says let's sort this out and not pay solicitors. Mine tried this line.

Also the value of his business is a martial asset. Business valuation is a very specialist area depending on the sector. You need legal advice in this.
Sometimes a business is valued by its yearly turnover, sometimes it is the size of the client base.
However it absolutely needs to be taken into account as a martial asset together with pensions, savings, house equity etc. He won't want you to realize this!
Soz for jumbled thoughts.
All things to run by a solicitor.

There's most definitely an OW. Thousands of men pull the old...'still want to be friends, I love you but am not in love with you' stunt.

You need to harden your heart and put you and the children firstk...don't play a pick me dance if you discover an OW.

agree ignore that.... but at the same time, until you've checked everything out just nod. Don't tell him you are seeing solicitor if at all possible. Or let him know you are looking for financial records.
keep your cards as close to your chest as possible.

Yeah, @DuckbilledSplatterPuff is right. Get a great solicitor but don't tell him you're doing that.

I'd make it clear in no uncertain terms that 'friends' don't think a 50/50 split financially is reasonable when they also want to dump full time responsibility of the children on you, too. That takes more than 50/50 of the assets to cover.

Wanker.

File for CMS immediately if you've separated.

Men hardly ever leave their marriage unless there is another woman involved. He will deny if asked but just be prepared for him to 'start' seeing someone very quickly.

He gets so stressed out with the children. I don’t think that he’s capable of standing up and supporting them through the shitshow he is creating.

What I would say, which is against the Mumsnet grain) is don't go adversarial straight away. It's not a given he's going to be less than fair.

It already is less than fair seeing as he wants to go 50/50 yet leave her with the children.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, what a shit your husband is.

The good women of Mumsnet will keep you right and have already given you some great advice.

Take care of yourself and your lovely children. Put yourself and them first. Make sure you're eating well and drinking plenty of water. I know you might not feel like it but you're no use to anyone if you're sick.

Keep strong 💪 ❤️

Has he friends and family he could go stay with as you need "space" means you could dig around any paperwork at home and copy documents.

If he has a different office elsewhere? Get him to take care of HIS children whilst you go out on an errand to dig around there?

You need copies of as much financial stuff as you can.

I’m sorry but this stinks of another woman being on the scene. He will deny it forever.

He may seem reasonable re sorting out a divorce now, but he will turn.

It’s fairly typical for cheating men to say they just don’t want to be with you anymore. I would say to him that if he simply doesn’t want to be with you and there is no “serious” reason, then he owes it to the kids to go to marriage counselling, rather than wrecking their home. Tell him that selling your kids’ home for no good reason, having not tried, is just a negligent and selfish parenting failure. He still won’t confess. But his actions don’t add up without another woman. You don’t sell your kids’ home and break up their family unit without a damn good reason.

It might be better to appear to be supportive of him and get as much info and facts about finances etc before he gets angry or cagey.

Maybe ask for a 'meeting' with him to assess all your finances if he still seems like he is trying to be fair. Details of pensions, savings, accounts etc etc.

People can divorce without going to war with each other. Be extremely cautious and don't actually trust him but it's worth trying.

@slowlygin And don't believe him if he says he's changed his mind. That's just a stalling tactics to enable him to hide money.

Sorry you’re going through this. Absolutely devastating for you. A lot of us have been in your situation and it’s just awful. Get to a lawyer asap and you MUST put yourself and your kids first. No trying to be fair and reasonable if it’s to your detriment. Also dont be doing any wife work for him. Brace yourself for potential further revelations.

Sure, you’ll have the children alright 😂 motherfucker can have them 50/50 as well. What a cheeky fucker.

Any freinds or even acquaintances you can talk to?

@slowlygin ''It's as if he's having a breakdown''

This is a common thing for women to think.

Sadly, once children are on the scene, many men's attitudes change and they don't like the noise, mess, general changes that come with having children around- and many look elsewhere for sex, and have affairs.

I'd bet already that there is another woman on the scene.

You definitely need good legal advice, but this isn't cheap.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. {I never thought my husband would leave , either!}

It's a shock, physically , mentally and financially.

Very likely there’s another woman in his sights.

Get lawyered up and don’t take any shit.

50/50 and you have the kids? He's having a fuckin laugh!