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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The script...

64 replies

NewAcc0unt · 23/01/2020 07:50

Hi,

Looking for thoughts, opinions and advice if anyone can spare some time please.

DH of 14 years has given me half the 'script', he's not sure if he loves me. He feels like we're friends, not husband and wife etc. Since the chat this weekend, which came from out of nowhere, he won't hug or kiss me, saying he just needs some time.

I know this is classic, straight from the script stuff. I'm preparing myself.

The only confusing thing in this situation is that our conversations and the way we're talking to each other is better than it has been for a long time. Text messages are more brief than they previously were but face to face conversations are much improved since the chat.

Has anyone experienced this? How long should I allow this lack of physical contact to continue for? I don't want to force him into being affectionate if he's checked out, but I also don't want to push him away if there's a chance that he does just need a little time to gather his thoughts.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 23/01/2020 08:00

I would stop agonising over what he's doing and get focussed on what you're doing.

Gather financial documents and store safety at another location. Move half the cash over to your own account if you can and/or start squrreling cash out at the supermarket. Bulk buy clothes/cosmetics/dry foods/detergent etc you may need if he leaves suddenly. Get any repairs done, or make any personal expenditure that was planned but delayed.

Do you work? Do you own your home?
Don't move out as you dont want to be considered "rehoused" elsewhere. Don't agree to 50/50 care of the children where it didn't exist before as this will be to advantage him in financial proceedings. Dont tell him your plans as he's not your friends and ally anymore - he's allied elsewhere now and you are now the impediment to him spoiling "her" (though theoretical at this stage) and living the high life.

The cheaters almost always break early financial promises, so be cunning and be ready.

💐

Franwith2and1 · 23/01/2020 08:09

I did find that once my husband officially ended the marriage (by telling me he didn’t want to be with me anymore but wanted to live together as mates 🙄), he became much more friendly. It was as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders. Cups of tea every morning etc, a complete personality transplant. Probably because he felt he could now pursue his new female “friend!”
So my story was not a great outcome!

Doggybiccys · 23/01/2020 08:10

Chatting is better cos he’s relieved and thinking about his exit and how “well” you’ve taken it. It’s a weight off his shoulders and he can now be amicable and in his head he is preparing for his shiny new life with OW.

Sorry OP as this is not what you want to hear but the truest thing I have ever heard on here is “men don’t jump til there’s somewhere to land”. You need to get yourself organised for the shit storm to come Flowers

Doggybiccys · 23/01/2020 08:10

Cross post with @fran

Doggybiccys · 23/01/2020 08:14

@NewAcc0unt
Since the chat this weekend, which came from out of nowhere, he won't hug or kiss me, saying he just needs some time.

He doesn’t want to be “unfaithful” to OW and she will be grilling him.

Robin2323 · 23/01/2020 08:22

Just remember the grass is never greener .......

SuperbMonkey · 23/01/2020 08:23

@NewAcc0unt, I’m sorry to read your story. It was exactly the same for me. I was kissed on the top of the head, as if I was a small child or he was the Pope kissing a pilgrim. Very chaste! After 26 years I effectively became the OW and the OW became the wife. The script was followed to the letter (I wish I had known about the script in advance). It was precisely as previous posters state. The finances in my case are going to turn nasty. Look after yourself now. Lock away important documents. Read www.chumplady.com. That site will keep you sane. Good luck x

Original poster
NewAcc0unt · 23/01/2020 08:24

Thank you all. At work. More later 😊

OP posts:
booboo24 · 23/01/2020 08:39

I had the same with my ex husband, apart from the night he told me he didn't feel the same anymore was the night he left to go and live with his mum! We got together at the age of 14, 22 years later, with no prior warning and nothing amiss as afar as I was concerned he left. I was in shock and in a heap on the floor when he patted me on the head, said he was sorry and went. In the days that followed he became unrecognisable, he wasn't nasty at all, he was way too polite, it was like we were strangers making small talk, but I used to catch him watching me a lot and I really hoped he was considering what he'd done and was wondering if it was all a big mistake. 6 months later the ow crawled out of the woodwork. 7 years on and he's never admitted they were having an affair. Last year however she found out he was cheating on her and she contacted me in a right state (I should have felt elated but i actually felt sorry for her, had to shake myself out of that one!) So yes I'd say sadly it's that he thinks the hard part is over now, he's told you, you've taken it well and he can now start looking at what he considers right now to be a new life. He'll be bitterly disappointed I expect, but I hope that in time you, like me, will be much happier in the long run, and when that time comes that he realises what he's lost it will be too late as you'll have found happiness elsewhere, either happily single or with someone else.

blackcat86 · 23/01/2020 08:58

I had this with an ex of 10+ years. We were having issues but suddenly he came home and said that was if, he didnt have feelings for me anymore and he was going back to his parents . I was devastated as I was still recovering from a major injury (but still working). Even getting him to come and collect his stuff was a battle and I was painted as the crazy, unreasonable ex for not just wanting him to come and go as he pleased and actually arranged a time to collect things. A couple of weeks later posts started appearing on facebook of him 'checking in' places with a much younger girl from work. A month after they were official and he was bringing her around to his family. He clearly left me for her so there must have been something happening but he acted the victim stating that he wasnt a cheater. I think he felt he was somehow super virtuous because he hadnt slept with OW before breaking up with me. I was left to pay for things we had booked together and he owed me nearly £1k I had lent him towards his car. I saw neither. His sister confirmed he was out spending like crazy on OW until he ran up a huge CC debt.

blackcat86 · 23/01/2020 09:00

Just to add - I practiced good self care and went to the gym a lot, out with friends, had a cheap weekend away and later went travelling. I dropped 3 dress sizes and met my now DH the day I came back from travelling. We now have a young DD together 6 years later whilst he's still stringing OW along with promises of an engagement he has no intention of going ahead with.

Original poster
NewAcc0unt · 23/01/2020 16:05

Thank you for your responses everyone, I figured that's what I'd get in reply. I'm just trying to work out how to move forward from here. Do I ask him to leave the house with me and dc in it?
Our finances are all linked, I gave up work after our second was born to look after the children. He earns a fair salary but we struggled & have got into a thousands of pounds of credit card debt. We have no savings and only bought a house a couple of years ago. So confused Confused

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 23/01/2020 16:22

Chatting is better cos he’s relieved and thinking about his exit and how “well” you’ve taken it. It’s a weight off his shoulders and he can now be amicable and in his head he is preparing for his shiny new life with OW.

I agree with this.. he thinks the hard work is done.. he's free Confused

Original poster
NewAcc0unt · 23/01/2020 17:06

Yes, He's positively churpy while I'm in anguish. I guess I just need to tell him to leave if he isn't committed to our relationship or interested in working it out. Our children, like me, will be dumbstruck.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 23/01/2020 19:27

Absolutely do take control at this point. My ex left for ow. I'm afraid I did the pick me dance for a while and told him he could come back if he wanted to but after a while I did make it clear that was no longer an option. Its unreasonable for him to thi k he can just dump this on you and then carry on. He has to be shown the reality of his actions. Start looking at wikivorce, get some info about asset splits, maintenance, contact schedules (assume 50/50..he doesn't get to fuck off and leave all the graft to you) and sit him down for a chat about how it will work. Info is your friend, he is not. That's always my no 1 tip in this too common scenario, remember he is no longer on your side. It's one of the hardest things to accept.

Deadliestlampshade · 23/01/2020 20:10

He doesn’t necessarily have another woman. My husband left almost a year ago saying we were friends not partners and there has not been anyone else.

He was much relieved after he told me though and expected us to be insta best friends. He used to put this awful ‘sad face’ on when he thought it was appropriate. Excruciating

crocoonimper · 23/01/2020 22:50

@Deadliestlampshade
Me too - no OW. He’s gone now, he tags me in “funny” memes and FB stuff. It’s been 4 months. We were together 25 years. He can’t understand why I’m not being friends.
Jesus.

Original poster
NewAcc0unt · 24/01/2020 05:11

I'm convinced that there's an OW... Usual cheaters behaviour... phone always by his side, he's always online on WhatsApp but somehow manages not to read my message.
I think he just wants to be friends and carry on living his cushy life having everything done for him and being the good guy and the centre of our girls lives (perhaps until his OW is ready to leave her OH and they can move in together???) All guess work at this stage Confused

OP posts:
category12 · 24/01/2020 05:24

Well, stop giving him the cushy life and stop doing the "pick me" dance..

Take control. Tell him to go. Stop doing for him and let him really feel what he's losing before the two of them are ready to set up together. He doesn't appreciate what he has, he takes it/you for granted and it's possibly even better if you're running round trying to please him. Do a 180. Push him before he's ready to jump.

Original poster
NewAcc0unt · 24/01/2020 05:49

I know I need to do this. I'm emotionally exhausted by the pick me dance.
Last night, I was given a hug and he said 'he wasn't going anywhere' when I asked what his thoughts were. But I know that's him trying to keep me sweet and on side so that we can still be friends. Has anyone ever resorted to snooping?

OP posts:
booboo24 · 24/01/2020 06:45

My ex didnt have facebook, always said ot was silly etc. The week he left I got a ground request from him! I didnt accept and told him it was because it was too raw and I didnt want to watch his single life being played out infront of me. Around a year later I decided I could now be friends on there as I'd got past it a little, and knowing he was with someone almost helped as it stopped the wandering and torturing myself. They all seem to want to be friends in this situation, they naively think it's all fine once they've done the hard bit.

Original poster
NewAcc0unt · 24/01/2020 07:08

I've never felt the need to snoop through his Facebook before, he's never given me cause to even think I have anything to worry about. But I'm tempted now!

I know I need to stop beating myself up over it, I just wonder if anyone else has been strung along with the 'I need time/space'

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 24/01/2020 07:19

Oh yes the I need time and space to find myself. I had this. He had OW

Cuttingthegrass · 24/01/2020 07:21

Sorry he’s doing this to you. It’s a horrible feeling

Original poster
NewAcc0unt · 24/01/2020 07:26

Thanks for your support. I will update developments as they happen.

OP posts: