Page 5 | My world has imploded

slowlygin · 2024-08-23T15:18:55+00:00

Just found out that my husband doesn’t want to be with me. We have three dependent children together. I have no family to support me here so feeling very alone and scared. I left my job to become a full time mother. I don’t even know where to start. any advice will be welcome.

Codlingmoths · 23/08/2024 22:56

OhShitImNearly40 · 23/08/2024 17:21

He wants to leave the kids with you? Wow.

First of all I'd ask what he's going to do in the next week and the next month. If he's going to be staying in the house then make sure it's separate bedrooms. Make sure he knows you won't be cooking for him or washing his clothes. Don't even bother with small talk when he's around and he can't really be your friend until everything has settled down and you're separated and divorced (if ever). He's now responsible for himself. If he's leaving then that's a lot easier!

If he really just wants to leave the kids with you and have little to do with them then act like a single parent. Organise and do stuff with the kids without involving him at all.

What I would say, which is against the Mumsnet grain) is don't go adversarial straight away. It's not a given he's going to be less than fair.

But 50/50 split while he leaves the children is less than fair. Much less than fair. So he is going to be less than fair, and for some twisted man logic he is going to think that he is fair, that these 3 lives he created are nothing to do with him and the woman looking after 3 children should just be able to earn equally with footloose and fancy free him

Tiredeveryday · 23/08/2024 22:58

Great advice here op.

you have us holding your hand, you aren’t alone.

you can do this, he obviously isn’t the man you married now. You don’t deserve this xxx

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 23/08/2024 23:00

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:59

He told me that he wants to still be my friend no matter what. He won’t be calling the shots on this. Thank you for the great first pointers and I will be taking steps to carry out these recommendations.

My soon to be ex said that.

Two weeks later he was seeing someone else and repeatedly called me a cunt because l wasn't happy for him.

Then when he forced me out of the family home despite saying l could stay there until my purchase went through. I strongly suggest you don't let him buy you out.

Then he introduced our daughter far too early, saying it was none of my business.

Bizarrely he still thinks we are friends.

Chillimuma · 23/08/2024 23:00

This fucking sucks OP and I know an ounce of what you are going through.

i really think there is an OW, his attitude just stinks of it

Ellie56 · 23/08/2024 23:01

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:32

Thank you Catoo for that lovely response. I think that he’s having some kind of breakdown and this has surfaced alongside it. I’ve had a terrible year so far and this has completely shattered me. He said that he wants to sell the house and go for a 50/50 split and that I will have the children.

He is a massive twat. If you've got the children how is 50/50 fair?

I wouldn't be being his friend. Find yourself a shit hot divorce lawyer and take him for everything you can.

motelhotel · 23/08/2024 23:16

I am sorry this is happening to you it's the usual script and it stinks ! No one deserves this you will get lots of support and advice from many women on here who have been through this.

Original poster

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 23:25

There’s so much more that I want to say but it is tricky as I’m paranoid that he will read this thread. He’s gone on MN in the past so I am apprehensive about saying anything too outing. I have talked to a few friends (who know him) and they think that he is imploding, having a massive crisis. He’s very thin and looks ill. he’s not sleeping and he’s very run down.

OP posts:

Didsomeonesaydogs · 23/08/2024 23:27

Sorry you’re going through this. Many of us have been there.

Lots of good advice already which I shan’t repeat.

As he is self employed, get as much upfront settlement as you can. Others have mentioned 70/30 and staying in the house til kids are 18. Don’t feel bad about this kind of split. It means that when he wriggles out of his obligations by hiding his earnings and your child maintenance goes down to tuppence ha’penny a week you’re not up the creek without a paddle.

YellowAsteroid · 23/08/2024 23:35

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 23:25

There’s so much more that I want to say but it is tricky as I’m paranoid that he will read this thread. He’s gone on MN in the past so I am apprehensive about saying anything too outing. I have talked to a few friends (who know him) and they think that he is imploding, having a massive crisis. He’s very thin and looks ill. he’s not sleeping and he’s very run down.

But think about it this way - if he's ill, has this changed the way he deals with his work colleagues? Is he making unreasonable and emotionally abusive telephone calls to them?

And if you're scared of him reading your thread, what does it say about him NOT being aggressive or abusive?

Tahlbias · 23/08/2024 23:36

I Hope you're ok op! Has this come out of the blue or have you been having problems?

Original poster

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 23:38

I don’t want him read this thread because I don’t want him to know that I am ma
king plans to protect myself. He’s not abusive, just a selfish man. Eldest seems to be very empathetic towards him. Over 18 so not one of my dependent children.

OP posts:

Original poster

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 23:38

Our banking is online so we have little paperwork

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 23/08/2024 23:39

furusato · 23/08/2024 16:37

@slowlygin he can say what he wants but it means nothing. Go see a divorce lawyer. Your career sacrifice and care of kids are big factors. Grey rock him and get legal advice. You might feel too emotional, just get the advice so you have some idea of where you might stand. Don't negotiate settlements with him.

This. Never believe a man when they suggest divorce and that they will give you half..when reality sets in.. very rarely will they stay true to their word. Do through solicitor only, no negotiating with ex OH

mathanxiety · 23/08/2024 23:41

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 23:25

There’s so much more that I want to say but it is tricky as I’m paranoid that he will read this thread. He’s gone on MN in the past so I am apprehensive about saying anything too outing. I have talked to a few friends (who know him) and they think that he is imploding, having a massive crisis. He’s very thin and looks ill. he’s not sleeping and he’s very run down.

Log out after every session.

Change your password frequently.

kkloo · 24/08/2024 00:19

Annon1986 · 23/08/2024 20:18

Some of these comments are so sad to see, making judgements on this man without knowing even half the story. Of course we want to be here to support women, but we have to understand that the most likely factor of death for men under 45 is suicide, encourage open communication, and try to understand why this has happened

Show quote history

Were you one of the posters on the last similar thread feeling oh so sorry for the man and bringing suicide into it for no reason but then of course had absolutely nothing to say when the OP found out the truth a few hours later that he was actually cheating?

If he was suicidal he wouldn't be looking for the house to be sold and for 50% of it now would he!?

user1492757084 · 24/08/2024 00:38

S0CKPUPPET · 23/08/2024 17:50

This.

If you feel up to up, listen to what he proposed, ask questions and write everything down, right there in front of him.

Don’t argue with him and don’t UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES agree to
anything. It’s fine to ask questions

eg if he says “ oh course I will still see the kids when I’m free “, do ask “ so how do you see that working? Will you have them on the same days each week, such as Sunday 8am - Wednesday 8am ? “.

questions like that will allow you to see how much he has planned this out. He will almost certainly say “ oh I can’t do that, I’ll be at work, I mean I will see them some Saturdays if I’m not busy “.

it’s not that he will stick to any of it, but at least you will have a rough idea of what you are up against.

you need to prepare yourself that there is almost certainly another woman, although it might take a f ew months before this comes out.

any time he is out of the house then go through all his paperwork and photograph every single documents you can find. It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand a word of it, you will find out later.

Remember that his bunsiess is a matrimonal asset, you have a claim on this. That’s probably where he’s hidden most of the money.

DONT mention a word of this to him -of course he knows this but don’t let on that you know.

The most important things now are

your mental health , get support however you can . Book some counselling, tell trusted friends and lean on them . Because you are holding up everything for you and your children .
stability for the children, as much as you can. Remember that you are their primary carer, sadly most kids aren’t nearly as attached to their fathers as we ( their mums ) think they are. Most of them cope fine seeing him less - while we mums break our hearts about it.
getting excellent legal advice and finding out information about assets before your husband hides them. People who have not been through this don’t undertand how easy it is to do this when you have your own company. I have been very VERY badly burned by not understanding this.

you need to go into detective mode if you can. IME that’s a bit of a distraction from your broken heart .

It also makes you feel more powerful , rather than hanging around while he decides what he wants to do and makes up his mind ( which is torture ).

Show quote history

and .. Given this is a shock and you are shattered, in respect of the three children and the long history, I would encourage couples couselling.
Of course cover all your other bases but I think you owe it to each other to take serious counselling and understand the problems, reasons etc.

kkloo · 24/08/2024 00:39

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2024 21:46

I am not in any way making light of the horrendous shock you've had, but your world has absolutely not imploded. You are alive and healthy. Your children are alive and healthy. For as shit as this is, you will, 100%, get through it. No one will tell you it will be fun, but you will come out the other side.

As of right now, it's time to get very, very strategic. You are in the beginning stages of a war and you need to be cunning and ruthless. Your husband doesn't just get to waltz off into the fucking sunset without consequences. Do not allow him to get away with not parenting his kids. Insist on it.

She's allowed to feel that way right now. She will definitely still get through it and come out of the other side and be happy again but she's also going to feel like her life has imploded right now and feel all of those big feelings and that's ok too and part of the process for many.

She can insist all she wants but if he doesn't want to parent the kids then he won't unfortunately, which is why she needs to make sure she gets the best possible financial settlement that she can.

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/08/2024 00:42

Notamum12345577 · 23/08/2024 21:10

I’m sorry he has hurt you. However, let’s assume he will be fair. I know in MM world nearly all mean are nasty and will try and shaft their ex, but in real life the majority don’t and will be fair

That is absolute bollocks I'm afraid!

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/08/2024 00:47

@Annon1986 You are incredibly naive. Many of us here have been through this, been fed "the script" etc. I've no sympathy for a man who wants 50% of everything but wants to leave the kids with his wife while he goes off fucking the OW living his best life. I'll hold my hands up if I'm wrong, but in my bitter lived experience, there will be somebody else. My ex came out with the "friends" bollocks and he'd never see me struggle. A few weeks later once OW had filled his head with shit, he turned into a monster. I wish I'd had the benefit of the experience I have now.

Redruby2020 · 24/08/2024 01:01

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:59

He told me that he wants to still be my friend no matter what. He won’t be calling the shots on this. Thank you for the great first pointers and I will be taking steps to carry out these recommendations.

Oh 🤦‍♀️ the friend thing again, when men do this I find it so insulting. A friend has had her now ex partner let her know 48 hrs before he left, that he was leaving after 8/9 years and some bad situations go on in that time. Then said I don't want there to be any hard feelings we can be friends 🤦‍♀️
As if a man would accept such c*!

I think the advice you have already been given is spot on. Get advice needed and go from there.
Think of yourself and your children's interests just like many of the men do in these situations.
Good luck.

MillieMinx · 24/08/2024 01:14

slowlygin · 23/08/2024 16:32

Thank you Catoo for that lovely response. I think that he’s having some kind of breakdown and this has surfaced alongside it. I’ve had a terrible year so far and this has completely shattered me. He said that he wants to sell the house and go for a 50/50 split and that I will have the children.

No do not move out or sell the house! You get to stay there with the children. I’d recommend you get some legal advice asap. Get all the paperwork together for the house too and keep it with you or get copies and give him the copies. I’ve seen too many of my friends pushed out of the family home so he can get his money to spend on whatever he likes. The children need as much stability as possible. Dont initiate a divorce, let him do it and do no sign a thing without a lawyer looking at it first. Watch what you say and don’t admit to anything in case he is recording. Yeah seen some messy divorces. I’m sure lots of lovely people on here have great advice too but now you’re looking out for you and the kids not him

JFDIYOLO · 24/08/2024 01:16

You're stunned right now. Get angry.

Do not take what he says about how this is going to go. Do not agree to or sign anything.

Decide what you want. If it is for you to stay in the family home with the children, and him meeting his child maintenance responsibility - FIGHT for that.

You have RIGHTS. Get an appointment with a specialist lawyer who will tell you your rights.

And he has responsibilities. He does not get to just dump the children, or to deprive you and them of your home.

Keep detailed notes of everything he says and does. Someone's warned you he may be recording conversations - you'd be wise to do that yourself.

Tell trusted family and friends. You'll need support, care, a shoulder, etc.

Make sure they know what is actually happening, that he is turning his back on his own children, because he will be manufacturing his own narrative, rewriting history. And he may turn nasty.

If his parents are around let them know. They will not want to lose their grandchildren because their son wants to duck out.

SunflowersMidwinter · 24/08/2024 01:36

And there will be an OW.

Sadly I agree

Orchidacea · 24/08/2024 02:58

@slowlygin I have talked to a few friends (who know him) and they think that he is imploding, having a massive crisis. He’s very thin and looks ill. he’s not sleeping and he’s very run down.

Yes, you should see a solicitor, and get organised, of course.

But I will tell you the story of one of my friends. She came to me one day and said, "My marriage is in trouble. DH said he is re-thinking his life and he doesn't want to be married anymore."

I immediately asked if there was someone else. She said she didn't think so because there was no evidence; no furtive calling, no unexplained absences, no unusual bills. I suggested that she let him calm down and then try to talk to him. A man doesn't leave a 30-year marriage to go live on his own.

It turned out that he was having a sort of nervous breakdown after having stopped smoking, and they stayed married.

I don't know how your marriage has been up till now, OP, but what you are saying about your husband's general condition made me wonder.

Sending kind wishes to you whatever the outcome is.

YellowAsteroid · 24/08/2024 04:10

He gets so stressed out with the children. I don’t think that he’s capable of standing up and supporting them through the shitshow he is creating.

If it helps, try starting to despise a man who has three children but is not adult or competent enough to parent them. Despise a man who takes his wife to another country, requires her to give up her career to look after their children, and then after over 18 years decides he doesn't want this any more.

Despise a man who wants to run away from being a grown up. An incompetent man.