My world has imploded

[slowlygin]

Just found out that my husband doesn’t want to be with me. We have three dependent children together. I have no family to support me here so feeling very alone and scared. I left my job to become a full time mother.
I don’t even know where to start.
any advice will be welcome.

Well when something similar happened to me, I definitely felt like my world had imploded. And looking back 8 years on, the whole thing still seems like an implosion. I lost my home, friends, time with my children, my planned future, self esteem and needed to embark on a serious rebuild. Anyway I dont believe for a second he is having a
Breakdown, nor is he your friend. He is using every trick in the book to slither away without having to face who he is. I'm so sorry OP.

I'm so sorry. My DH did this to me last year after 25 years if marriage. He denied there was anyone else but I just knew. Has there been any hint of this?

Hi PinkyFlamingo, I’ve not been paying enough attention as I’ve had a significant bereavement recently. I know that he’s been particularly tired and stressed but that’s not too out of character for him.

And I’m sorry that you have just gone through this too, PinkyFlamingo.

Breakdown or OW, I think it’s awful he has chosen a time when you have recently had a ‘significant bereavement’. That alone would make me extremely angry as he has chosen a time when you are more vulnerable and dealing with a lot already. I’m so sorry you have this double loss to get through.

I agree with the advice on this thread - especially not agreeing to anything or signing anything - and OP I wish you the very best. It’s horrible and I am so sorry. I’m so glad you have friends around you. Remember to look after yourself and put yourself and the children first in all things.

Unlike others, I think you need to continue communicating, some men are decent in divorce and you can get a far better settlement than the legal minimums. Obviously if things turn sour you'll need to lawyer up but at this stage you simply information gather, and most of all, go back to work

Btw been through this so I completely get the rollercoaster of emotions

I hate to say this, OP, but that's the exact reasons my exh gave when I discovered his affair 2 weeks after my dad had died.

We had supported my dad through a long illness so it was more in the run up to it that I'd not been 'paying him enough attention'. That he used to justify having the affair that he vociferously denied initially.

If he's actually saying you've not been paying him enough attention, it means he's found it elsewhere.

I posted on here at the time and so many women told me exactly the same andni didn't beleiventhem. I trusted him and he never had the opportunity for an affair and it just wasn't like him.

Only it was.

The truth, no one leaves their spouse and family just because their partner is going through a bereavement.

Be really careful with this.

I thought, genuinely believed actually, that my husband was having a breakdown. He lost weight, looked dreadful, almost as though he was addicted, he was snappy with the kids and appeared lost.

I was so worried about him.

It was another woman.

It’s been said before but he is not your friend. Hold your cards close to your chest.

I also read my thread thinking, but none of you know him. How could you possibly know? I've known this man since I was 16. He simply wouldn't do that to me.

I appreciated their support but didn't for even a second consider there was truth in what people were saying.

Only they all knew him better than me.

Even down to the people saying, "Watch out, he'll say X/so Y next,' being right.

Absolutely everything.

And I had people post similar to this amd I thought how awful for you but he wouldn't do that to me. And he did. All of it

My eldest has seen him breakdown and sob uncontrollably and is convinced that he is broken. Is very protective and supportive of him but distanced from me.

I have talked to a few friends (who know him) and they think that he is imploding, having a massive crisis. He’s very thin and looks ill. he’s not sleeping and he’s very run down.

I've been on MN a long time, OP.

Over those years, I've read many a thread where a poster is concerned about a change in her husband and os worried about a mental health crisis.

Everyone whose been through it posts, it's an affair. The OP is sure it isn't.

I haven't read a single thread where it turned out that the husband was truly having a mental breakdown. Because no one has a mental breakdown through not being paid enough attention when their spouse has been bereaved. No one.

The change in him is down to the guilt he feels and, more than that, his fear of how he will be perceived by others for both leaving you when you're bereaved and having an affair.

I'm not saying this to be cruel.

But DO NOT trust him now. He is NOT your friend. He DOES NOT have your best interests at heart. He will undoubtedly still care for you if he's not being actively cruel but his priority now is himself. Protecting his assets and maintaining his image. He is not your friend.

That's shame, guilt and fear.

Along with creating a narrative of himself as the victim so he can garner sympathy rather than disgust when it comes out.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope I'm wrong but I've seen this exact scenario play out in my own life, in the lives of people I know and in many, many threads on here.

He is close to and protective of your son to keep that bond and to avoid your son being on your side. He is distanced from you for obvious reasons.

My exh did the same.

GreyCarpet, I am so sorry that you went through this. It’s so painful to think that the person you loved can see you go to through such pain and not give a shit. Some men are absolutely disgusting.

With online banking, you can download copies of statements which I recommend you do in case access is compromised somehow.
Do you work? It’s surprising he immediately says you can have the children - it’s like he wants a clean break. You mention he’s abroad - does he go often?
I would be asking how you’re going to work if you have the children full time. Unless you’re in a minority who work from home with flexibility, it’s hard to work in school hours.
Dont worry about your eldest at all. Kids come to realise things in their own time and instead look for comfort with friends and family.
Good luck OP!

@GreyCarpet wise words

OP he may hope for an amicable separation, but you're no longer on the same team

It'll probably get worse before it gets better, but keep moving forward. Brighter days ahead

And, in the meantime, look after your own physical and mental health. Eat well, exercise, careful about alcohol etc

Thank you but it was great in the end. I had and have a fantastic life now.

It does get better.

But keep your eyes open, your wits about you and don't trust him.

And know that, if you do end up in the position of many, many others and discover ak affair, there will always be support for you here

Maybe your husband is the incredibly rare exception to the rule. But I wouldn't rely on that being the case. Or take his word for it.

He can say what he wants but this won't happen. If you have the children he will not get 50% you are likely to get more. I've been divorced three times and the only person you can believe is your solicitor.

Don't be fooled he is no longer your friend. The fact he wants 50% is proof of that. Fight for yourself and your children. He is the enemy now.

I hope, OP, that you are reading this and taking it all on board.

The vast majority of people are saying the same. I just hope you're not reading it and thinking, "But they don't know him and they haven't seen him and he's not like that," because at some point, everyone who has been cheated on thought that!

You obviously don't need to update the thread but I hope you're just keeping your cards close to your chest and haven't decided that the advice here doesn't apply to you.

As others have said, get a lawyer. 50 50? He thinks you're stupid.

Is he self employed? If so, it's very easy for him to avoid child maintenance. You think he wouldn't do that? Everyone thinks that. Get what you can in the divorce.

You may have seen other threads about the topic of child maintenance. Even women who have an ex paying a sizeable amount like £600, are finding its swallowed up by the cost of childcare. You'll have to consider this if you go back to work.

Good luck and remember he's not your friend.

@slowlygin my story started the same as yours. I also thought he has a breakdown/ mini stroke/ MH crisis.

of course it was another woman. His tears were his guilt and his weight loss was to impress a much younger woman.

This part is important: HE IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE ANYMORE. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE. This is now a game of chess. plan your moves. Knowledge is power - Solicitor appointment tomorrow. Don't give anything away, don't share what you know.

I didn't think I'd make it through this mess. I know it feels like an impossible task to overcome the betrayal, the hurt and uncertainty. But I promise you, you will come out the other end and you will see him with completely different eyes. I never seen his toxic habits during the relationship, but now I can see he was selfish and narcissistic all along. You might find yourself in a similar position 8 month down the line. You are so much stronger than you think!

Best of luck.

Story as old as mankind.
Very sorry.
Guess I'm "lucky" not to have a practical advice,
but the other experienced posters do.
You will come out on the other side eventually.
I'd agree, your husband is not such a "friend",
don't trust him much.
What we can truly rely on as humans is ourselves, wise man said couple of times.
❤️

Absolutely spot on.

Yeah, it's not a question of what "he says" - he doesn't get to just decide any of that stuff unilaterally. Get a lawyer today. And if he's said he's leaving, he doesn't decide if he's "coming back today" either. Maybe don't let him in? Or if you're going to let him in, go round and get all the paperwork with proof of savings and income and so on. And the house deeds and mortgage stuff and all that. If stuff's on the computer, get screenshots before he can change the passwords. Put the paperwork where he can't get it - take it round a friend's place or lock it in your car or whatever you need to do.

Don't leave the house whatever you do. Change the locks and get a lawyer. If this is your children's home, he might not be able to force a sale. Ask the lawyer.