My world has imploded

[slowlygin]

Just found out that my husband doesn’t want to be with me. We have three dependent children together. I have no family to support me here so feeling very alone and scared. I left my job to become a full time mother.
I don’t even know where to start.
any advice will be welcome.

So sorry this is happening. Everything must seem very scary.

Are you in the house? Has he left?

He’s still coming home. My head is all over the place.

I’m still at home as are the children. He’s not aggressive so I’m under no threat.

I’m sorry OP.

Brace yourself for him to say mean things and rewrite history about your relationship. Don’t try to argue him around. Listen and grey rock him with your responses. If he’s being horrible, calmly say ‘that is enough for now’ and leave the room.

If you have a spare room, put all his clothes in there.

This will be a horribly long and upsetting weekend. Try to arrange to see some friends so you can get out of the house.

See if you can ring a solicitor now to make an appointment for early next week. Gather as much financial information together as you can this weekend.

You will be OK OP.
Sending strength and hugs for now.

💐

Do not move out!

Is the house also in your name on the deeds and mortgage?

Do you have your own bank account? Do you have continued access to money?

Thank you Catoo for that lovely response. I think that he’s having some kind of breakdown and this has surfaced alongside it. I’ve had a terrible year so far and this has completely shattered me. He said that he wants to sell the house and go for a 50/50 split and that I will have the children.

Knowledge = power.........

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitor websites

And gather ALL financial documents, including pensions and tax returns.

mnahmnah, we have a joint account and he has his business account. He pays his wages into our joint account. It is a joint mortgage yes.

@slowlygin he can say what he wants but it means nothing. Go see a divorce lawyer. Your career sacrifice and care of kids are big factors. Grey rock him and get legal advice. You might feel too emotional, just get the advice so you have some idea of where you might stand. Don't negotiate settlements with him.

Just know he is no longer your friend. He is now out for himself whatever he says. He is not going to like how the finances will be divided in the divorce. But don’t get dragged into those discussions. Say things like ‘ok we can cross that bridge later on’ etc. Sound casual but you are going to be all over this next week without him knowing.

Sorry to say this ‘breakdown’ will likely involve someone else.

Play your cards close to your chest this weekend. Grey rock is your friend.

See if you can ring a solicitor now for a Tuesday/Wedneaday appointment. Ask on the phone what info to bring with you.

So sorry. But you will be OK.
🌸

If you have the children, then you may be entitled to more than a 50% share, because being default parent will have an impact on your future earnings. Go see a solicitor

He told me that he wants to still be my friend no matter what. He won’t be calling the shots on this. Thank you for the great first pointers and I will be taking steps to carry out these recommendations.

Dont believe a word he says for now - friend will soon change when he realises you are entitled to a lot more if he is leaving you with the children, also as he is self employed believe me he will minimise his income to minimise what child support he has to pay.

For me plan of action

1. Set up your own finances to which he has no access
2. Investigate what benefits you are entitled to in the short term
3. see a solicitor about the financial settlement - divorce is the easy bit to be honest. Starting point is 50/50 but you can make a case for more. You will be providing the main residence for 3 other people that he has responsibility for as well. He is self employed and will turn into a slippery eel. Ask about a residency order on the house and the possibility of making him leave. Him hanging around is prolonging things being sorted and makes it difficult for the children to understand
4. Check what documentation you have and find and copy as much as you can - do not hand this over to anyone always keep it - if they want it copy it for them
5. Try and understand what you can about his business
6. make sure the children have all their uniforms for school and winter clothes paid for out of the joint account - as you are not currently working I would include yourself in that as well.
7. Start to think about what work you can do - do you need to do a qualification can you get that paid for as well? Or once separated is it something you can do for free?
8. Keep everything with him on an even keel until such time as you are ready to go

Good luck

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you will cope. It is really important that you do not just let him call the shots. Make no agreements until you have seen a solicitor. Get copies of everything you need. If possible get your hands on as much cash as you can. Use the joint account to buy all the school uniform, winter coats and boots. Buy as many Christmas presents for the children as you can. Fill the cupboards with as many tins, packets, spices etc as you can. Fill the store cupboard with soap powder, loo roll etc as money may be tight for a while.
Do not leave with the children, if he wants to leave the marriage he can go, the children need their home. Remember he is no longer on your side. You will be fine, just take each hour as it comes.

Some practicalities. Open your own bank account online now if you don’t have one. Change child benefit so it goes into your sole account. Apply for universal credit if you are living separately within home there is info about what this means online. Get that paid into your sole account. If he moves out you can also claim child maintenance and may be able claim spousal maintenance. You can get benefits advice from citizens advice or use an online calculator. There’s a 6 week wait for UC. Don’t assume he will keep sharing money with you. Look on gov website about separating finances eg make sure registered your home rights and he isn’t on any credit card you have and can’t get a loan or overdraft on joint account. You can speak to the bank. Especially if mental health issue you need make sure he can’t take out debts you are liable for and you have some of your own money coming in. Take screenshots of any financial docs, account numbers, bank statements. Change your passwords for email, phone etc and clear browsing history. Make sure you have control of children’s passports. Depending how much money is in joint account / savings you may want to withdraw 50% and put it in sole account. He could freeze the joint account and cut you off financially at any point especially if he feels you aren’t going to go along with his 50:50 plan.

As others have already said, engage a divorce lawyer at the earliest opportunity to find out what you are entitled to and do not agree to anything he suggests until this has happened. He will use “we’re friends” as leverage to try and get you to agree to whatever he wants, and you being overly friendly to him will alleviate some of his guilt and help him convince himself he is not the bad guy. Keep things as civil as needed as to not cause distress to the children, but no more than this.

How old are your children now OP? Is there any possibility of being able to return to work/what do you have experience in? If they are small and working is not an option then also start quickly looking into what benefits you could potentially be entitled to as a lone parent out of work.

Good luck 💐

Yeah I bet he wants 50/50 split but I’m telling you now that a solicitor will give different advice. I think given what you’ve said you’d be looking at a 70/30 split in your favour.

He wants to leave the kids with you? Wow.

First of all I'd ask what he's going to do in the next week and the next month. If he's going to be staying in the house then make sure it's separate bedrooms. Make sure he knows you won't be cooking for him or washing his clothes. Don't even bother with small talk when he's around and he can't really be your friend until everything has settled down and you're separated and divorced (if ever). He's now responsible for himself. If he's leaving then that's a lot easier!

If he really just wants to leave the kids with you and have little to do with them then act like a single parent. Organise and do stuff with the kids without involving him at all.

What I would say, which is against the Mumsnet grain) is don't go adversarial straight away. It's not a given he's going to be less than fair.

Some helpful kindly suggestions on here because we all feel for you . No matter how much you think you know this man , no matter the loving years , no matter the beautiful babies you made together, believe me , you don't know him as you think you do . He will become a stranger to you , and you need to be prepared . Be strong and wise .

Very best wishes 🙏

You are a wise lot and I am very grateful for every post. Just making supper for the children. Still have primary school age children. He’s not home yet. Might not get chance to respond for a while but I appreciate all of the advice that I am receiving.

Why did you say "here"? Do you not live in the UK?

How did you find this out? ( if he is on his way home )

That might be what he wants, but if you have three dependent children, a court could well decide more in your favour. Even as much as a 70/30 split to you.
So don't agree anything now. Get a good lawyer who knows this stuff.

This.

If you feel up to up, listen to what he proposed, ask questions and write everything down, right there in front of him.

Don’t argue with him and don’t UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES agree to
anything. It’s fine to ask questions

eg if he says “ oh course I will still see the kids when I’m free “, do ask “ so how do you see that working? Will you have them on the same days each week, such as Sunday 8am - Wednesday 8am ? “.

questions like that will allow you to see how much he has planned this out. He will almost certainly say “ oh I can’t do that, I’ll be at work, I mean I will see them some Saturdays if I’m not busy “.

it’s not that he will stick to any of it, but at least you will have a rough idea of what you are up against.

you need to prepare yourself that there is almost certainly another woman, although it might take a f ew months before this comes out.

any time he is out of the house then go through all his paperwork and photograph every single documents you can find. It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand a word of it, you will find out later.

Remember that his bunsiess is a matrimonal asset, you have a claim on this. That’s probably where he’s hidden most of the money.

DONT mention a word of this to him -of course he knows this but don’t let on that you know.

The most important things now are

1. your mental health , get support however you can . Book some counselling, tell trusted friends and lean on them . Because you are holding up everything for you and your children .
2. stability for the children, as much as you can. Remember that you are their primary carer, sadly most kids aren’t nearly as attached to their fathers as we ( their mums ) think they are. Most of them cope fine seeing him less - while we mums break our hearts about it.
3. getting excellent legal advice and finding out information about assets before your husband hides them. People who have not been through this don’t undertand how easy it is to do this when you have your own company. I have been very VERY badly burned by not understanding this.

you need to go into detective mode if you can. IME that’s a bit of a distraction from your broken heart .

It also makes you feel more powerful , rather than hanging around while he decides what he wants to do and makes up his mind ( which is torture ).