I'm being weird about dhs hobby aren't I? But why?

[malificent7]

Dh is a wonderful man in many ways and he has a very niche hobby ( not cycling) which would be very outing if I mentioned it here.
He only does practice once a week and events a couple of times a month but not every month so we do get a few weekends with him.
I didn't meet him through the hobby but I gave it a go. I do like it but I am not as passionate about ot as he is. I havn't quite the bug. He runs the group and events so it does consume him somewhat.
There were some nasty politics with the hobby when a group of fanatics tried to override him as leader but they left to do their own thing. He was hurt and i supported him.

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accomodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date.
Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.
Another example is that after Covid we had a family holiday abroad booked. We were due to go to an event when someone told us that covid was going round the event so we decided to cancel our group's participation as I didnt want to be refused on the flight because of covid.
One member of the group was pissed off that we had cancelled as it " looks bad" when I think that our family holiday abroad is more important.
So basically I feel that the hobby and group doing the hobby puts a strain on family life. But I also feel like i being controlling when i ask him to put family life 1st.He is a fabulous dad and step dad most of the time and a lovely dh but I feel resentful.
There is no way I want him to give it up as he loves it....his ex used to do the hobby with him and she loved it too. I just like it and can't make it my everything.
Does this make it sense?

I'm not sure why you think you are being weird. It sounds like you are treating this hobby as... a hobby.

From the description given of it, it sounds more like a cult. Now I'm wondering what it is because it must be really enjoyable.

If he doesn’t attend, does that mean the entire group has to cancel?

if so, is there any way they could
set things up so that there are co-leaders or at least an understudy. As more members hit the stage of life with competing commitments, if they want to keep the group going, they need to think about how to structure things such that it can survive the next phase of life. People will work late, children will get sick. Soon enough some will be helping their older parents.

Is this a brass band lol

Yes it does make sense: you want to support your DH and you want him to enjoy his hobby but realistically his involvement in the hobby negatively impacts your family life.
I must say I would be an awful lot more resentful of his hobby than you appear to be. I would always have the niggling feeling that if push came to shove he would chose his hobby over me. Probably over everything. I don't think I would have got involved with someone with such an interest in the first place. Very awkward situation for you OP.

Is it that thing where they dress up as knights and things?! LARPing it might be called?!

Sorry absolutely not the point. YANBU. Hopefully he can see that you're being reasonable to not want it to have priority over such big things as weddings and holidays!

YABU for not naming the hobby

It sounds like he's a bit weird about his hobby and its importance vs family, and some of the other hobbyists are very weird about it.

Another vote for brass band! I sympathise.

My guess is D&D, is he the dungeon Master?

I guess Scouting

My guess is amateur radio, making long distance contacts using portable equipment with his radio club.

D&D was my second guess. My first was some sort of human taxidermy group. My mind turns to strange places when people say their hobby would be really outing 🤣

Ukulele group?

Why do people always think their hobbies are so unique and outing

I'm going with morris dancing

Indeed. No idea how it can be so outing. It's just a hobby after all.

40k, Warhammer , miniatures is my guess.

Just to be clear…

You’ve named a couple of times when the hobby and important family things conflicted, but on those occasions your husband agreed to prioritize the family things. Is that correct? Is there more to his behavior (not other people in the group’s) that you haven’t described here that makes you resentful? Is he siding with these “fanatics” somehow? Using these things to punish you later?

Have you discussed your feelings with him and talked about possible compromises? How has that gone?

I was thinking Dungeons and Dragons.

What is his hobby

This!

Soo annoying

He's only out of the house 3 times a fortnight for his hobby, prioritises your wishes over his hobby when needed, and is otherwise a good person?

What's the issue again? If he quit his hobby tomorrow you'd be back in a month complaining about how he holds cutlery or something similar.

When someone makes a commitment to do something it does look bad if you pull out and let people down. I'm not saying it wasn't worth it but they are right.

It sounds like on the few occasions there have been clashes that he has prioritised your family.

I would support him in building more resilience in the group so that if he cannot attend it's not the end of the world.

Lots of hobbies can take over your life, DD plays rugby and her coaches children have long since grown up but the Coach continues to turn up every training night and every match on a Sunday Sept - April which takes all day once you've travelled, not to mention all the time they must put in when the players aren't training on everything else that it entails. I've spoken to his wife on occasion and had no idea he was using his annual leave for match days, she seemed like she was used to it after many decades and embraces it enjoying Sundays to herself or with friends.

Is it MUFON - ufo group?

To be fair to your DH, it sounds like he does prioritise your family life over the hobby (in the two examples you've given). It's just that some weird members of the group aren't happy about that. But why do you care about what they think? Your DH is doing the right thing- focus on that, and don't worry about whether other people agree.