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Original poster

I'm being weird about dhs hobby aren't I? But why?

199 replies

malificent7 · 14/08/2024 23:50

Dh is a wonderful man in many ways and he has a very niche hobby ( not cycling) which would be very outing if I mentioned it here.
He only does practice once a week and events a couple of times a month but not every month so we do get a few weekends with him.
I didn't meet him through the hobby but I gave it a go. I do like it but I am not as passionate about ot as he is. I havn't quite the bug. He runs the group and events so it does consume him somewhat.
There were some nasty politics with the hobby when a group of fanatics tried to override him as leader but they left to do their own thing. He was hurt and i supported him.

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accomodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date.
Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.
Another example is that after Covid we had a family holiday abroad booked. We were due to go to an event when someone told us that covid was going round the event so we decided to cancel our group's participation as I didnt want to be refused on the flight because of covid.
One member of the group was pissed off that we had cancelled as it " looks bad" when I think that our family holiday abroad is more important.
So basically I feel that the hobby and group doing the hobby puts a strain on family life. But I also feel like i being controlling when i ask him to put family life 1st.He is a fabulous dad and step dad most of the time and a lovely dh but I feel resentful.
There is no way I want him to give it up as he loves it....his ex used to do the hobby with him and she loved it too. I just like it and can't make it my everything.
Does this make it sense?

OP posts:
sangriaandsunshineplease · 15/08/2024 06:19

If music or dance, is it something where they are involved in events and his commitment is key to their preparation for those events? I actually think of "hobbies" (like being part of a cycling club, running club, art group) as different to "commitments" (like being part of a church choir, an am dram group with a key role, a coach of a sports team or a leader of a guide/scouts group). Hobbies you can dip in and out of and the only real impact is on you; commitments are where you not doing it has a real impact on whether others can participate. With commitments, I think that they do have to be balanced against family life in the same way that work is and, as with work, if there is a clash, it might well be that the commitment has to take priority.
As PP have said, on key occasions (wedding, holiday) he has prioritised family. I don't see trick or treating as a key occasion and hopefully your SDD was able to go & enjoy it with her friends or neighbours. If I had a call from my DC about their being an intruder, I wouldn't leave work but would call a neighbour so I think that that was reasonable, especially as the chances of their actually having been an intruder are so low.

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/08/2024 06:22

Colinfromaccounts · 15/08/2024 00:40

Why do people always think their hobbies are so unique and outing

I was thinking this… is he one of 10 people in the country who do it or something?? 😂

frockandcrocs · 15/08/2024 06:25

I think YAB a bit U. It is not the 'perfect' wedding date if it does not suit the groom.
I understand why you would feel frustrated, though.

LGBirmingham · 15/08/2024 06:26

Hairydairyfair · 15/08/2024 00:10

Is this a brass band lol

If it's a brass band it would be a big deal to miss a contest!

LGBirmingham · 15/08/2024 06:28

My guess is dungeons and dragons though

StuckOnTheCeiling · 15/08/2024 06:31

Hmm, I’m a bit on the fence to be honest.

Im not surprised it’s Morris, I know a few people
who’ve done it and they are a bit fanatical about it. Lots of practice, often learning an instrument specifically to support their group, plus certain days are treated as almost sacred, there’s definitely a hint of the religious about it.

The thing is, it seems like when push comes to shove he does prioritise you for the big things. But I can see that day to day it might not feel like that - does it dominate conversation too? I can imagine it feeling like the other woman, always peeping over your shoulder! I think that bit is harder to address - it’s part of who he is and you can’t erase that.

DoIWantTo · 15/08/2024 06:33

The fact you think cycling is a niche holiday tells me your DH does a bog standard hobby that is in no way outing. He’s not the only one in the country, chances of it being outing are as slim as the chances of someone recognising you online simply because you declared you wear a black jacket.

WickieRoy · 15/08/2024 06:36

What's his attitude when they criticise him for prioritising his family over the hobby? Does he say "don't be ridiculous, of course my wedding/our family holiday is more important than this hobby" or does he say "oh I know, I wish I could be there, but maleficent is making me, I'd never hear the end of it if I went"?

I'm presuming it's more the second?

Arrivederla · 15/08/2024 06:36

DoIWantTo · 15/08/2024 06:33

The fact you think cycling is a niche holiday tells me your DH does a bog standard hobby that is in no way outing. He’s not the only one in the country, chances of it being outing are as slim as the chances of someone recognising you online simply because you declared you wear a black jacket.

The op has already said that the hobby is morris dancing.

DoIWantTo · 15/08/2024 06:38

@Arrivederla that still doesn’t make cycling niche and there are god knows how many morris dancers and groups around this country alone never mind the entire UK, still not niche Confused

Conniebygaslight · 15/08/2024 06:41

Is it his hobby he’s obsessed with OP or is he worried about letting people down? From your posts it seems more like the latter.

ThisBlueCrab · 15/08/2024 06:45

You have a dh issue. Thw lobby is not the problem. Although I had a friend years ago who does morros dance and from my inexperience they can all get a bitt out about it.

Trying to move your wedding is fucking ridiculous!!! Dp dpes a similar hobby and I would not be marrying him if it took over his head like your dh's does.

Family always comes first.

WickieRoy · 15/08/2024 06:49

DoIWantTo · 15/08/2024 06:38

@Arrivederla that still doesn’t make cycling niche and there are god knows how many morris dancers and groups around this country alone never mind the entire UK, still not niche Confused

She doesn't think cycling is niche, it's a MN in joke - that when posters don't name the hobby, it's always cycling.

BlackPanther75 · 15/08/2024 06:55

Damn!!! I was going to say it’s Morris dancing!!!

That or swinging

Hectorscalling · 15/08/2024 06:56

Well that’s all quite difficult.

Assuming if he doesn’t go, no one else can fill in for him and the group can’t do what they are doing I would expect him to not be able to just leave a practice or try and plan round it.

I am assuming they can’t perform unless he is there because he cancelled the whole groups attendance based on your holiday. My Dad actually did morris dancing and that’s not how his group ran. People, even leaders, would miss for all sorts of reasons but others could carry on.

But of course people are going to annoyed if they plan on attending something then they can’t because it no longer suits one person. Expecting people to be perfectly happy to change plans because it doesn’t suit one person, is unrealistic.

He didn’t put the hobby in front of the wedding. I don’t get the issue with asking a neighbour to check. I have a 20 year old dd and 13 year old ds. I would do the same. Especially if a session couldn’t continue without me. Not sure why you nearly left him over that one.

If he was that upset he was missing trick or treating, I don’t believe he could have made different arrangements for the following year.

It might be the connection to his ex wife that’s bothering you. It could be that you feel resentful that the group aren’t happy to change plans for things you feel are important and that puts you off them. Maybe you feel it shouldn’t be set up in such a way it can’t go ahead without him because that puts pressure on you.

But I don’t think any of your examples are as awful as you believe them. Only you can figure out where your feelings are coming from.

Tontostitis · 15/08/2024 06:59

Oh I was going to guess bell ringing, I got it partly right.

supercali77 · 15/08/2024 07:03

I'm guessing a niche form of martial art

supercali77 · 15/08/2024 07:03

Darn it, should have read the whole thread

Andwegoroundagain · 15/08/2024 07:04

@Hectorscalling nailed it. I also wouldn't have come home if my DS called about something like that, far better to get a neighbour to check because that can happen immediately not after a 15/20 min drive or whatever. Trick or treating is utter nonsense in my view and I missed plenty over the years. Each to their own I say.
If he's absolutely key to the group then I get why it's a challenge, but he does seem to recognise that you are a priority. Does the ex still participate? Is that your concern? I think ultimately you just don't really understand his interest and passion and that is fair enough because it's not yours. But what is your hobby? Do you have something else that you do ? Because the risk is that you're sat at home just feeling annoyed because it feels one sided

Musntapplecrumble · 15/08/2024 07:08

His ex used to love it...stood out for me. Is she still part of the group? I can see both sides tbh, not v helpful I know!

StormingNorman · 15/08/2024 07:08

I’m not sure what the problem is. It’s totally normal to have hobbies. And in the examples you gave you asked him to cancel and he did. Where is the problem?

llamajohn · 15/08/2024 07:08

malificent7 · 15/08/2024 03:31

No it is Morris....so music and dance.

So outing ...

FeralNun · 15/08/2024 07:09

I ran a Morris side for several years. It’s time consuming, yes, but it absolutely doesn’t have to be like this. I suggest he loosens the reins a bit and builds more resilience into the side in terms of dances and roles.

He may be doing the right thing when he responds to your need to put family first, but that should be coming from him, as his priority, not to keep you happy.

jannier · 15/08/2024 07:10

He's not putting the hobby first he's put you over the hobby in each case you mention the other members don't like it that's their problem.

Freysimo · 15/08/2024 07:10

Is the hobby Just Stop Oil?