I'm being weird about dhs hobby aren't I? But why?

[malificent7]

Dh is a wonderful man in many ways and he has a very niche hobby ( not cycling) which would be very outing if I mentioned it here.
He only does practice once a week and events a couple of times a month but not every month so we do get a few weekends with him.
I didn't meet him through the hobby but I gave it a go. I do like it but I am not as passionate about ot as he is. I havn't quite the bug. He runs the group and events so it does consume him somewhat.
There were some nasty politics with the hobby when a group of fanatics tried to override him as leader but they left to do their own thing. He was hurt and i supported him.

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accomodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date.
Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.
Another example is that after Covid we had a family holiday abroad booked. We were due to go to an event when someone told us that covid was going round the event so we decided to cancel our group's participation as I didnt want to be refused on the flight because of covid.
One member of the group was pissed off that we had cancelled as it " looks bad" when I think that our family holiday abroad is more important.
So basically I feel that the hobby and group doing the hobby puts a strain on family life. But I also feel like i being controlling when i ask him to put family life 1st.He is a fabulous dad and step dad most of the time and a lovely dh but I feel resentful.
There is no way I want him to give it up as he loves it....his ex used to do the hobby with him and she loved it too. I just like it and can't make it my everything.
Does this make it sense?

IT'S MORRIS DANCING. Op has already said, sorry to shout.

Yikes, I think most of us would be weird about morris dancing. It’s one thing that makes many folks cringe.

I guess if he doesn’t do things the group can’t, hence their disappointment?

Don't be so basic.

If people felt free from the judgement of others, who knows what hobbies and interests they'd pursue. If they followed their 'weird' little hearts instead of fitting in?

What a wonderful world that would be.

Yes I was going to say LARPING!!

People who are passionate about unique hobbies are often weird where the hobby is concerned and it's part of who they are. I think you need to accept that, given it was part of him before you met. All you can do in future is have a deal where prior plans of importance ( like your wedding!) will be honoured at all costs, with understanding on your side that in most things that couple of days a month are very important to him.

This, with bells on... 🤣

I think this is more about your insecurities about his ex. You can't connect with him over the Morris dancing in the same way she did, so you'd rather he didn't care much about it so that you could feel enough for him.

In all honesty I find this bit quite cruel of you

I nearly left him over that one. I wrote his priorities and pit his hobby at the top and me and dd at the bottom.but he was ever so sorry. He does regret it.

You did this because he didn’t leave his hobby because a 15 year old thought there was an intruder. But he did get someone nearer than he was, to check the house. It entirely makes sense. Once the neighbour had checked the house and there was no intruder, he didn’t need to come home.

Every example he has prioritised you and his family. Cancelled an event, to cut down the chance of Covid for your holiday. Booked the wedding date you wanted. Didn’t do his hobby the night before you moved. Yet, you provided him with a visual that told him he prioritised the hobby and put you and his child at the bottom and was going to leave him, to make him feel ashamed of something he didn’t need to feel ashamed of and isn’t accurate.

If dp did that to me I would not be full of regret. I would be telling him he was a dickhead, to be honest.

I think the pp who referred to it as more of a commitment than a traditional 'hobby' nailed it. It's about group participation so he doesn't want to let the group down. This would annoy me too OP, even though I agree with pp that he hasn't actually done anything wrong. My DH has a hobby that I only tolerate because he can take it or leave it and it very much comes second to me and our family life. I am very needy though. I don't think anyone can tell you you're right or wrong here- it's just how you feel

I would be more than a bit pissed off that some relative strangers were stropping and trying to influence factors in my family/home/marriage.
That said, in my very limited experience of Morris dancing, I would imagine it relies on a group's commitment to a routine that everyone turns up when they say they will. But what happens if someone is ill? Or has to go away for work? They must surely have a backup plan?

😂😂

Ok, what struck me straight away was the wedding date thing.... you found a date that worked for everyone else but got annoyed because it wasn't ideal for the groom? Surely his preference for dates should have come top of the list, not after everybody else's? Shouldn't his wishes be accommodated for his own wedding?
It seems that in every example you have given, that he has either yielded to your wishes, or covered his responsibilities in some other way.
I can't see what he has done wrong, other than having a hobby he enjoys and is committed to. I think you are being a little unreasonable here.

Sorry op i think YABU.It's a group hobby that he has committed to and was doing it when he met you.If he doesn't go he lets the group down.If there's a big event he will know about it in advance and block out that weekend.From your description he doesn't do it that often and you haven't described any poor behaviour on his part.If I was him I think I would feel resentful towards you for putting pressure on him about something he clearly enjoys.My advice would be find your own hobby.

I have sympathy with your unhappiness at feeling his commitment to this means that it is prioritised over you and family. The individual instances aren’t dreadful and he has put family first on occasions. You need to talk to him calmly about how you feel and work out together what you can do. It sounds as if he is trying to compensate and is very involved in family in other ways. As other posters have said the problem is more his leadership and organisation rather than his participation, for his own good he needs to not be indispensable or he will still be doing this when you are both retired.

😂

Ultimately I think you’re overreacting a bit, from what you’ve written. You got the wedding date you wanted despite it not being ideal for the groom and you went on the holiday, other people in the mysterious group maybe didn’t like it but essentially it didn’t impact on your family life. The neighbour incident is a non-incident imo and I’ve forgotten the other already, sorry!

Hi all. I think you nailed it when you said about his ex. I have had a few issues with her over the years. In fact she ran off with another Morris person!
So on balance I think.that I am beng unreasonable!
It is a commitment rather than a hobby Ive realised.

Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.

Why is the reaction of the fanatics your husband's fault?

Its not his fsult at all bit it made me realise what sway they have.

Sounds like your kids are older so it’s not a massive deal in my opinion, and the intruder thing, yes he should have called the neighbour and gone home but if he’s the leader it’s not that easy to drop everything. It’s part of him, he did it before you met him and was clearly just as in love with it then as he is now.

@malificent7

be thankful he's not into theatre!! We used to live overseas where Am Dram is taken quite seriously. It's a huge time commitment & you have to plan life around it. When we were both in a show it was ok (as young people with no kids) but when only he did a show it was miserable feeling left out. BUT it's many times more commitment than what your DH is doing. My resentment came because he could have chosen not to do some shows, but he did them back to back & often starting another one before the current one was finished.

theatre friends understood, but it was difficult with my family & non theatre people.

i think your actual examples are a bit weak, but I understand your feelings.

Why can't the others do the Event if he can't make it?

is he not allowing others to learn what they need to, to take his place, because he fears them taking over?

That was my first thought too!

Another excellent suggestion!

I'm still struggling a bit to see all this as a major problem. Trick or treating? Frankly it's a pain in the neck, and if you must do it, it doesn't need two adults to go along. Yes, he was unrealistic about your house move but in the end he was there to help. When your daughter was scared, ringing the neighbour was sensible as they could get there much more quickly than he could, and I really don't understand why he needed to check if you were OK if the neighbour had already checked everything.

Why is it it excellent when we know it's Morris?

For me, it would be the sadness at missing trick or treating that would be weird. Most rational adults would be delighted.