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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm being weird about dhs hobby aren't I? But why?

199 replies

malificent7 · 14/08/2024 23:50

Dh is a wonderful man in many ways and he has a very niche hobby ( not cycling) which would be very outing if I mentioned it here.
He only does practice once a week and events a couple of times a month but not every month so we do get a few weekends with him.
I didn't meet him through the hobby but I gave it a go. I do like it but I am not as passionate about ot as he is. I havn't quite the bug. He runs the group and events so it does consume him somewhat.
There were some nasty politics with the hobby when a group of fanatics tried to override him as leader but they left to do their own thing. He was hurt and i supported him.

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accomodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date.
Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.
Another example is that after Covid we had a family holiday abroad booked. We were due to go to an event when someone told us that covid was going round the event so we decided to cancel our group's participation as I didnt want to be refused on the flight because of covid.
One member of the group was pissed off that we had cancelled as it " looks bad" when I think that our family holiday abroad is more important.
So basically I feel that the hobby and group doing the hobby puts a strain on family life. But I also feel like i being controlling when i ask him to put family life 1st.He is a fabulous dad and step dad most of the time and a lovely dh but I feel resentful.
There is no way I want him to give it up as he loves it....his ex used to do the hobby with him and she loved it too. I just like it and can't make it my everything.
Does this make it sense?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 15/08/2024 03:15

I am wondering about the ‘fanatics’ , this is making me think it is something a bit weird. Then I am not surprised you are battling with yourself as your husband is one of them.

I know you don’t want to say but is it music related, or does everyone’s participation depend on your husband being there? Just give a rough idea or the thread is going to be just full of people trying to guess, which will be so annoying for you.

so, is it Dungeons and Dragons?

Original poster
malificent7 · 15/08/2024 03:30

I think it would be ok if I was just as obsessed as he is but i'm not.
Other examples:
When his dd was little ( my sdd) he missed out on trick or treating with her a few times as he was involved with his hobby. I think he felt sad about missing it but still didnt take time out to do trick or treating. He just can't see it.
When we were moving house he was hoing to do his hobby group the night before we moved but only thought it might be a plan at the last minute to cancel so he ciuld help me.

And this one is the real reason why I am pissed. I was coming home from work late ...dd ( 15) was alone in the house...fine but she gets scared of the dark and thought there was an intruder. She rang him but he was doing his hobby...he got a neighbour to check...dd was fine but he never thought to come bk and check himself . When I got back it put his mind at rest but he didn't call me to see if i was ok as no signal. I nearly left him over that one. I wrote his priorities and pit his hobby at the top and me and dd at the bottom.but he was ever so sorry. He does regret it.
He is trying to mske it all up to me by " going above and beyond in the home." Aka doing his fair share of housework!!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 15/08/2024 03:31

No it is Morris....so music and dance.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 15/08/2024 03:34

Sorry for drip feef.

OP posts:
MapleTreeValley · 15/08/2024 03:37

Trick or treating isn't a big deal. I wouldn't expect him to miss a planned hobby session just for that.

Josette77 · 15/08/2024 03:40

malificent7 · 15/08/2024 03:30

I think it would be ok if I was just as obsessed as he is but i'm not.
Other examples:
When his dd was little ( my sdd) he missed out on trick or treating with her a few times as he was involved with his hobby. I think he felt sad about missing it but still didnt take time out to do trick or treating. He just can't see it.
When we were moving house he was hoing to do his hobby group the night before we moved but only thought it might be a plan at the last minute to cancel so he ciuld help me.

And this one is the real reason why I am pissed. I was coming home from work late ...dd ( 15) was alone in the house...fine but she gets scared of the dark and thought there was an intruder. She rang him but he was doing his hobby...he got a neighbour to check...dd was fine but he never thought to come bk and check himself . When I got back it put his mind at rest but he didn't call me to see if i was ok as no signal. I nearly left him over that one. I wrote his priorities and pit his hobby at the top and me and dd at the bottom.but he was ever so sorry. He does regret it.
He is trying to mske it all up to me by " going above and beyond in the home." Aka doing his fair share of housework!!

Trick or treating isn't a huge deal.

I also don't think getting the neighbour to check is bad.

How does this affect you most of the time?
The.examples you give seem very few and far between.

Original poster
malificent7 · 15/08/2024 03:40

It's the fact tgat he felt sad about missing it but felt he had to do the hobby anyway! 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 15/08/2024 03:41

Im over reacting then i guess.

OP posts:
MapleTreeValley · 15/08/2024 03:47

I mean, it's up to you OP. We can all choose what our boundaries and expectations are within a relationship. But personally I do think you're overreacting, yes.

MarathonofLife · 15/08/2024 04:04

I think you have probably let your resentment spiral a little bit, it doesn't sound too bad.

And all men's hobbies are a bit annoying - why is that?

Just try and imagine how annoying he would be if he stopped and let that curb your anger 😅

Gensola · 15/08/2024 04:05

Ooh no Morris would be a deal breaker for me - I find it horrifying

SevenMarshmallows · 15/08/2024 04:11

I would resent being made to feel that I came second (or third) to my husband's hobbies. On the other hand, if it's just occasional frustrations stemming from his hobby, that's just part of life. If it wasn't this hobby, it would probably be something else. It wouldn't hurt for him to take extra care to ensure that you feel prioritised. You need to talk again about specific changes you'd like to see, since his doing a bit more housework wasn't what you had in mind.

Does he 'have' to be the leader for the group? Is being the leader part of the appeal for him? If he'd consider stepping back from the leadership role or sharing the responsibilities with someone else, could that free up more of his time and headspace? It does sound like he wouldn't want to do that, so this may just be part of being with him. Maybe it's time to invest more time and effort into one of your own interests.

autienotnaughty · 15/08/2024 04:32

Not weird it takes up a lot of his time and he prioritises it over his family. It would be a problem for me.

3luckystars · 15/08/2024 04:37

He should have come home and scared the intruders away with the bells.

QueenRainbow · 15/08/2024 04:40

Trick or treat is no big deal, he sent a neighbour to check on DD and she was fine. Once a week with a couple of extra times a month is no big deal especially as he DOES usually prioritise his family. Sorry OP but I think this time you’re being VERY unreasonable.
I couldn’t get too upset over this unless he is spending too much money on it or being a lazy ass at home because the hobby makes him tired, but this doesn’t seem to be the case.
Are you a bit jealous because his ex loved this hobby and you don’t? Let the guy enjoy it.
Could you find a hobby/activity you enjoy?

Wallywobbles · 15/08/2024 04:42

Gensola · 15/08/2024 04:05

Ooh no Morris would be a deal breaker for me - I find it horrifying

I think a lot of people might struggle with this. Can there really not be someone else capable of being the leader. I don't think it had occurred to me that this required such regular practice.

Soonenough · 15/08/2024 04:46

Morris ? LTB

dunroamingfornow · 15/08/2024 04:47

Morris fanatics sound terrifying ! Is it that they can't dance together without him so if he cancels they can't " morris" . Does sound like he chooses it over family life

HappiestSleeping · 15/08/2024 04:53

I think the key is whether you got involved with him knowing about his hobby. It is partly irrelevant what it is. In this instance, it is a team event. As an aside, morris dancing isn't my bag, but it is good that some people still do it, otherwise it's another tradition that would die out.

It sounds like he was already into it when you met him, and you knew full well his level of involvement.

Whilst a relationship brings a need for some compromises, it sounds like he makes them when necessary.

Mymanyellow · 15/08/2024 05:14

I think it’s the fact that his ex used to do it with him that’s bugging you. The examples you’ve given are not bad but something is making you feel this way.

Willmafrockfit · 15/08/2024 05:44

how on earth is a hobby outing?

as if!

Willmafrockfit · 15/08/2024 05:45

oh that is hardly outing.
good for him dancing with bells

Tel12 · 15/08/2024 05:58

It does sound like he's trying to incorporate his hobby into family life. He does his fair share at home so maybe the best option is to cut him some slack. Imagine that the other option was that he jacked it in, moped about at home and stopped doing anything. What would be better?

BBCLW · 15/08/2024 06:05

I think marriages are likely to be stronger if you can support an interest outside the family. One evening a week to himself doesn't sound like a huge thing to ask, or a handful of other dates. Each time it's been important to you he's put his family first, even when it's meant letting down his side.

If you can't love his hobby for yourself, can't you at least enjoy the fact that it makes the man you love happy? Look at what he gets out of it and take pleasure in that, in his happiness, knowing that when you need he will and has put it aside for you. And find your own hobby to pursue.

I agree with other posters who've suggested he arrange an understudy for when he can't get to a practice. That might make him feel better when he has to miss a session, whether that's for family reasons or because he gets ill or the car breaks down. And it will make it easier for him to put the family first without feeling that he's letting people down and ignoring his responsibilities. Perhaps if there aren't enough members for that you could suggest a recruitment drive.

Arrivederla · 15/08/2024 06:10

Mymanyellow · 15/08/2024 05:14

I think it’s the fact that his ex used to do it with him that’s bugging you. The examples you’ve given are not bad but something is making you feel this way.

This! His ex was very involved/successful/big part of the group and this has put your nose out of joint. I don't entirely blame you, but I think you need to examine your feelings around this as actually he does sound like he's trying hard not to inconvenience family life too much.

What is really hard to understand is that there are fanatics involved in Morris dancing!! I thought it must be some kind of political group 😳