I'm being weird about dhs hobby aren't I? But why?

[malificent7]

Dh is a wonderful man in many ways and he has a very niche hobby ( not cycling) which would be very outing if I mentioned it here.
He only does practice once a week and events a couple of times a month but not every month so we do get a few weekends with him.
I didn't meet him through the hobby but I gave it a go. I do like it but I am not as passionate about ot as he is. I havn't quite the bug. He runs the group and events so it does consume him somewhat.
There were some nasty politics with the hobby when a group of fanatics tried to override him as leader but they left to do their own thing. He was hurt and i supported him.

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accomodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date.
Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.
Another example is that after Covid we had a family holiday abroad booked. We were due to go to an event when someone told us that covid was going round the event so we decided to cancel our group's participation as I didnt want to be refused on the flight because of covid.
One member of the group was pissed off that we had cancelled as it " looks bad" when I think that our family holiday abroad is more important.
So basically I feel that the hobby and group doing the hobby puts a strain on family life. But I also feel like i being controlling when i ask him to put family life 1st.He is a fabulous dad and step dad most of the time and a lovely dh but I feel resentful.
There is no way I want him to give it up as he loves it....his ex used to do the hobby with him and she loved it too. I just like it and can't make it my everything.
Does this make it sense?

Actually I get where you’re coming from.
Its like he knows what he should be doing as a father and a husband, like taking your child trick and treating, or choosing the date of the wedding, the hobby comes first when he is left to it. So you have to be there to reinforce boundaries all the time. I wouldn’t be happy about that either. Both because it means I couldn’t relax agd because I wouldn’t surprise if it’s leaving an after taste every time - left to it, DH would chose his hobby over me. Assuming ofc that your dh isn’t grumpy when you are standing up fir yourself/the family.

It does seem that the group has an awful lot of politics going on and is quite toxic in itself.
I have no idea how it is normally like, but it would made made go somewhere else a long time ago. Which then bares the question: why is he staying in such toxic group?

I live in a county in which Morris is huge. It’s all taken very seriously, and is tied up with bonfires, politics and a dash of anarchy (Donald Trump’s effigy going up in flames anyone?). It’s not quite the ‘bunch of old men waving hankies’ that some of you seem to think it is. As an aside, our local troupe is mostly women.

And yes to the affairs, coups and intensity of feeling. I’ve known a couple of people who’ve been involved, and it’s a veritable hotbed of gossip and scandal.

But back to the op; I’m married to a cyclist and that is a far bigger time suck. It does irritate me, so I have some sympathy, but as someone else pointed out, the alternative of a man with zero interests outside of home life is not appealing! The guy in question does seem to have his priorities in order, and doesn’t seem to spend disproportionate time on his hobby, but at the end of the day if the op isn’t happy with that then that’s how she feels and she can choose to stay or leave as she sees fit.

@QueenOfTheNihilist im guessing you are yourself involved in a hobby like that.
I agree of the impact on the group.

But is it REALLY ok for the DH to put the group and his hobby first??

Are they really more important than his family that they should always go first because otherwise look at the impact on them.
Well what about the impact on the OP and their family together? What about the impact on the dcs - because you can be sure that they’ll remember ‘Daddy wasn’t there for me because his hobby was more important’ again and again.

It’s easy to dismiss the OP saying her examples aren’t that bad. It’s forgetting the fact it’s a recurring issue where he NEVER puts his family first. And the OP has to state boundaries again and again. It’s not about how serious it is as such. It’s the relentless of it.

@VenusClapTrap its not because you think you have it worse ‘because it’s cycling’ and you’ve accepted that everyone else should accept crumbs too.

Several people in my immediate neighbourhood are in the local Morris dancing troupe and it does seem to dictate their lives. One of the wives was grumbling only a few weeks ago about the difficulty of going away in the summer because the group perform at fairs and fetes and social events and even get booked for weddings most weekends in July and August.

It does seem to attract a certain sort of person and they do seem to take it very seriously. Does anyone remember Ever Decreasing Circles with Richard Briers? That sort of thing.

I want to hear more about the coup. Sounds like netflix documentary potential - could be the next tiger king.

If OP doesn’t feel as if she and the family are a priority then his hobby is a problem. I can’t imagine leaving a 15 year old at home when they’d thought there had been an intruder, even after a neighbour check. She would have still been scared and he reshould have come home. Her DH needs to make clear to the group that his family comes first and put someone in place to deputise for him on occasions when things come up. Most women wouldn’t insist on going to their hobby when there are issues at home or try to prioritise their hobby over their family plans. As for trick and treating, children are children only so long and what a shame to miss out on some of their fun activities.

It doesn't seem to be the hobby that's the issue.

It's the fact that it all has to stop when your husband has other plans. This seems to send the group a little crazy.

And this one is the real reason why I am pissed. I was coming home from work late ...dd ( 15) was alone in the house...fine but she gets scared of the dark and thought there was an intruder. She rang him but he was doing his hobby...he got a neighbour to check...dd was fine but he never thought to come bk and check himself . When I got back it put his mind at rest but he didn't call me to see if i was ok as no signal. I nearly left him over that one

Why would he call to see if you were ok when the neighbour had already been round?

This made me cry laughing

Yes, you would have thought that they could have spare members/ people on standby to step up if someone was taken ill or couldn't attend, wouldn't you? I presume your DH is the leader, OP? Perhaps you could suggest he gets a deputy or two who could stand in for him in case of emergency?

But as I wrote a few posts ago, Morris seems to attract a certain sort: people who are very intensely involved and probably not very flexible.

I'm guessing rock climbing or bouldering?

"I was coming home from work late ...dd ( 15) was alone in the house...fine but she gets scared of the dark and thought there was an intruder. She rang him but he was doing his hobby...he got a neighbour to check...dd was fine but he never thought to come bk and check himself . When I got back it put his mind at rest but he didn't call me to see if i was ok as no signal."

But there was no intruder, as confirmed by neighbour, so why would he need to come back and why would he need to check you were OK?

I also don't know why parents have to trick or treat with their child, unless it's for safety reasons. It's a children's activity.

should have read the thread first!!

It's Morris dancing.

Something like rock climbing I could understand
and I'm not even an adventurous type.

"As for trick and treating, children are children only so long and what a shame to miss out on some of their fun activities."

But parents aren't supposed to be part of trick or treating!

"I can’t imagine leaving a 15 year old at home when they’d thought there had been an intruder, even after a neighbour check. She would have still been scared and he reshould have come home."

OP went home.
OP also said the DD is scared of the dark so the intruder thing was probably a paranoid reaction and not a real danger.

OFC you’d leave a 6 or 7yo on their own at night going out to do trick and treating……

I mentioned above that they are sometimes there for safety, but they are not supposed to be PART of it and the complaint was that he 'missed out' on it as if he missed out on Christmas or something.

Make hubby a hobby and ask him how does it feel. Might change his mind

Huh?

there was morris based TV comedy drama with Mackenzie Crook in but I can't find it....that was about differences and infighting.

I think YAB a little U and I see from your last post that you are realising that.

The thing that really stood out for me is when you wrote you had found the perfect date for your wedding - it's hardly a perfect date if it doesn't suit the groom!

I think “It’s Morris Dancing!” might be the new “Cancel the cheque!” 😀