I'm being weird about dhs hobby aren't I? But why?

[malificent7]

Dh is a wonderful man in many ways and he has a very niche hobby ( not cycling) which would be very outing if I mentioned it here.
He only does practice once a week and events a couple of times a month but not every month so we do get a few weekends with him.
I didn't meet him through the hobby but I gave it a go. I do like it but I am not as passionate about ot as he is. I havn't quite the bug. He runs the group and events so it does consume him somewhat.
There were some nasty politics with the hobby when a group of fanatics tried to override him as leader but they left to do their own thing. He was hurt and i supported him.

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accomodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date.
Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.
Another example is that after Covid we had a family holiday abroad booked. We were due to go to an event when someone told us that covid was going round the event so we decided to cancel our group's participation as I didnt want to be refused on the flight because of covid.
One member of the group was pissed off that we had cancelled as it " looks bad" when I think that our family holiday abroad is more important.
So basically I feel that the hobby and group doing the hobby puts a strain on family life. But I also feel like i being controlling when i ask him to put family life 1st.He is a fabulous dad and step dad most of the time and a lovely dh but I feel resentful.
There is no way I want him to give it up as he loves it....his ex used to do the hobby with him and she loved it too. I just like it and can't make it my everything.
Does this make it sense?

Given that it's Morris dancing that's the hobby, I don't know how the politics of that work, but I'd say a hobby is something that gets done after essential and important commitments. Weddings, holidays and family are all more important than a hobby.

There's a film script here, Toby Jones in the lead role.....I'm totally invested:-)

Good grief my hobby takes me away from the house for at least an hour most days. It is horses so it is no negotiable that I care for them.

I think my OH would prefer me to be at home more but they new the score when they met me.

Hobbies are important, they are important fir your mental and physical health. It is also important to be committed to them.

Far better than him sinking pints down the pub every week

😂😂😂

I don't believe the hobby really is Morris Dancing, the OP has just agreed with one of the suggestions in order to stop people guessing and ignoring her actual question!

Why do people always keep their DHs hobbies a secret in case they’re “outing”? Surely if there are at least two men who partake in said hobby, you’re fine?

My ex had a 'hobby'. I ended up going to weddings, christenings and parties alone several times. I even went to one of his friends wedding without him, despite pleading for him to come.
That's why he's ex, I felt so low down his list of priorities, I had to get out of the marriage.

But they didn’t have any sway. Because you got the date you wanted.

You wanted a date. He didn’t. It meant their lives had a minor impact. You weren’t happy. But you got your preference of date.

So there’s no sway.

These things he cancels impact them, even if it’s a small impact. Expecting them to be happy that it all hinges on him is unrealistic. What matters is what he decided. Which was to go with the date you wanted.

“Hang on…your husband plays chess? He must be Kevin Smith from Milton Keynes.”

Is it Bridge. Before I get shouted down there are lots of bridge tournaments that people travel to.

Yeah this.

😂

it sounds like the other members of the group are being difficult, re the covid and wedding, people can be bitchy and difficult in all areas of life

No worries, totally understandable if you don't know the joke. It really is always cycling, this thread is a definite exception 🤣

Does it? When?

When his dd was little ( my sdd) he missed out on trick or treating with her a few times as he was involved with his hobby - literally not an issue in the slightest. Which parent would be even remotely bothered about not going trick or treating? Most actively try to avoid it! Not exactly a core memory from childhood is it...

When we were moving house he was hoping to do his hobby group the night before we moved but only thought it might be a plan at the last minute to cancel so he could help me - But he didn't go? So what's the issue?

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accommodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date - Again, it didn't happen. You got your wedding date. Creating problems where there isn't any!

And this one is the real reason why I am pissed. I was coming home from work late ...dd ( 15) was alone in the house...fine but she gets scared of the dark and thought there was an intruder. She rang him but he was doing his hobby...he got a neighbour to check...dd was fine but he never thought to come bk and check himself - Um. He was busy. Same as he would be if he was at work or in the gym or meeting a friend for dinner. He got someone to check on her and she was fine (and is 15 years old, not 5).

The only bad thing is that he wanted to change your wedding date for morris dancing… I would have found that very difficult to swallow.

The other things are just life when you have interests outside of the home; everyone has to compromise to fit everything in. You should also have some interest which get you away from family and home life so you can be yourself in other places too, and that would also require compromise from the family. That’s family life. Especially if you have a hobby which involves other people; you’re making commitments to them as well as your family and have to balance.

I’m not really sure that I would drop what I was doing to go home to a 15 year old because they got scared of the dark. I’d more likely tell them to toughen up a bit.

Morris isn't a hobby, it's a fetish.

Although I do find morris dancing to be the ultimate ick. It’s just very unattractive. But that’s my personal taste!

OP, one parent missing trick or treat while the other parent endures enjoys it is no big deal at all.

Getting a neighbour to check sounds quicker than him coming home to check for an intruder, and in that circumstance quicker was better. And once checked, why come home?

If you are part of an orchestra, amateur dramatics group, chamber orchestra, any activity where your presence is important to the functioning of the group activity, it IS a commitment. And you have known he is part of this since you met him.

It was quite major to cancel the whole group’s performance at a fete or whatever in deference to the chance of your catching Covid before your holiday, and yes, that would look bad if they had committed to performing.

And if the rest of the troupe (group? Band? Cell?) were busy because they had committed to a typically Morris-orientated event such as May Day then they would be disappointed not to be able to attend his wedding.

Are you jealous of his commitment and time? Is it because his ex was / is involved?

How much is about your insecurities?

Is your Dd his Dsd? Did you spend years as a single parent when it would have been impossible to have such a commitment outside of your parenting, and this has either affected your view of what being a parent and family is, or is making you jealous?

Is there a high level of troupe members having affairs ?

Does it all involve drinking?

Are you jealous or envious of the bond, the shared connection and group culture that I expect Morris has?

Love it or loathe it, Morris dancing does add to our culture and community. He does it for his enjoyment but it also provides enjoyment and entertainment to others and for community and cultural events.

I hope you manage to work through this in a way that makes you all happy.

Having had an ex that always had a hobby on the go, l would hazard a guess that what is really aggravating is that it's probably you that has to bring up the issue of whether he should miss a session or not. If you didn't say anything he would happily put his hobby first in front of wedding dates and holidays. What you need from him is the maturity to think for himself and to decide that your wedding is more important rather than you having to state it is.

It puts you in an adult/child relationship with him and forces you to be the controlling one.

Him agreeing to miss sessions because you have put your foot down is very different to him thinking to himself l really need to give that one a miss because of xyz.

Also his passion for his interest is perhaps highlighting a certain lack in your life. I know that once l had juggled work, kids, life admin and house stuff l had little space or inclination to pursue any thing else. I was resentful that he had the time and space to do this. It wasn't a healthy dynamic at all but l ended up feeling l was in the wrong for having these jealous feelings.

I wonder if you could have a discussion with him around him being a bit more proactive and thinking ahead so you don't have to be the 'spoilsport'?

I was thinking Morris Dancing. I can imagine a fanatical breakaway group of Morris Dancers.

I'm so happy I guessed it. This has made my day 😁

I get it, he may choose you but you have to ask, which shouldn’t be the case for your wedding!

just because you feel weird about it doesn't mean "most of us" do. Who gave you permission to speak for me and for others?