Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm being weird about dhs hobby aren't I? But why?

199 replies

malificent7 · 14/08/2024 23:50

Dh is a wonderful man in many ways and he has a very niche hobby ( not cycling) which would be very outing if I mentioned it here.
He only does practice once a week and events a couple of times a month but not every month so we do get a few weekends with him.
I didn't meet him through the hobby but I gave it a go. I do like it but I am not as passionate about ot as he is. I havn't quite the bug. He runs the group and events so it does consume him somewhat.
There were some nasty politics with the hobby when a group of fanatics tried to override him as leader but they left to do their own thing. He was hurt and i supported him.

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accomodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date.
Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.
Another example is that after Covid we had a family holiday abroad booked. We were due to go to an event when someone told us that covid was going round the event so we decided to cancel our group's participation as I didnt want to be refused on the flight because of covid.
One member of the group was pissed off that we had cancelled as it " looks bad" when I think that our family holiday abroad is more important.
So basically I feel that the hobby and group doing the hobby puts a strain on family life. But I also feel like i being controlling when i ask him to put family life 1st.He is a fabulous dad and step dad most of the time and a lovely dh but I feel resentful.
There is no way I want him to give it up as he loves it....his ex used to do the hobby with him and she loved it too. I just like it and can't make it my everything.
Does this make it sense?

OP posts:
AppleDumplingWithCustard · 15/08/2024 08:02

Well I’m now looking at Morris Dancing in a new light. They tried to stage a coup? Who’d have thought it could be so exciting? 😱

MermaidMummy06 · 15/08/2024 08:04

My DH has an obsessive hobby. It even dictated our holiday dates because the old men didn't think putting their major events on school holidays was an issue because some members are teachers so it's perfect!!

I put my foot down & told DH it had to stop as we had DC. Constant gigs, meetings, taking on admin roles but not doing anything of ours.

He no longer does competition (it's expensive to participate & requires travel). He also has to cut back attending an offshoot group. It was affecting our marriage as he was out 2-3 night a week min & often weekend gigs. He'd just announce he was going out. Now he has to check first & share to my calendar so I know & not go if it conflicts. I hate being controlling, but if I'm not, I do every bit of childcare, housework & admin, stuck at home while he flits in & out at leisure, going away, etc.

Wokkadema · 15/08/2024 08:04

OP this is a bit left field, but do you have a hobby? Do you think life might feel a bit more balanced if you also got to take time out to do something love?

Babyworriesreal · 15/08/2024 08:05

Hectorscalling · 15/08/2024 07:34

In all honesty I find this bit quite cruel of you

I nearly left him over that one. I wrote his priorities and pit his hobby at the top and me and dd at the bottom.but he was ever so sorry. He does regret it.

You did this because he didn’t leave his hobby because a 15 year old thought there was an intruder. But he did get someone nearer than he was, to check the house. It entirely makes sense. Once the neighbour had checked the house and there was no intruder, he didn’t need to come home.

Every example he has prioritised you and his family. Cancelled an event, to cut down the chance of Covid for your holiday. Booked the wedding date you wanted. Didn’t do his hobby the night before you moved. Yet, you provided him with a visual that told him he prioritised the hobby and put you and his child at the bottom and was going to leave him, to make him feel ashamed of something he didn’t need to feel ashamed of and isn’t accurate.

If dp did that to me I would not be full of regret. I would be telling him he was a dickhead, to be honest.

I agree
This is about your own insecurities OP.
It does seem ridiculous that the group has to cancel if he is not available though - I can see why there has been some dissent within the group.
But that's another issue YABU

pinacollateral · 15/08/2024 08:06

MapleTreeValley · 15/08/2024 03:06

To be fair to your DH, it sounds like he does prioritise your family life over the hobby (in the two examples you've given). It's just that some weird members of the group aren't happy about that. But why do you care about what they think? Your DH is doing the right thing- focus on that, and don't worry about whether other people agree.

Edited

This. I think it's more other members of the group being a bit weird than your DH. You and he need to just ignore them and do what is right for you.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 15/08/2024 08:07

He is trying to mske it all up to me by " going above and beyond in the home." Aka doing his fair share of housework!!.

And there we have it. Your resentment is not solely related to the hanky waving being prioritised over family events/situations (in his thought process at least).

Whatever else happens, he needs to be pulling his weight around the house from now on.

Marseillaise · 15/08/2024 08:07

It sounds like the group needs a major recruitment drive so that they can still function if one or two people take a night off.

LynetteScavo · 15/08/2024 08:08

I think it was reasonable that he sent the neighbour to check your DD was OK.

I don't think the issue you have is with your DH or the hobby, but with all the other people who are affected, and therefore grumble about when your plans affect theirs. You'd probably be happier if your DH stepped down from leading the group and had less involvement, but then he wouldn't be so happy. You married him know the was into this nonsense, he's not just taken it up, so I think you do need to suck it up.

And it's really not that niche a hobby . My own DSis once turned up at my house with bells on her skirt Hmm

LunaNorth · 15/08/2024 08:08

Marseillaise · 15/08/2024 08:07

It sounds like the group needs a major recruitment drive so that they can still function if one or two people take a night off.

I daren’t go out now, in case I get press ganged into a Morris troupe.

reabies · 15/08/2024 08:11

I think I would be annoyed too OP, it's a big commitment. And when planning family things it's tricky enough to get everyone on the same page, make sure timing works etc, except you also have to factor in your husband's morris dancing group, around your wedding, family holidays, house move. I'd be resentful and bored of it too.

My husband cycles, it's 2-3 hours on a saturday morning and then he's present. Maybe he'll do more as our kids get older, but right now we are in the trenches so yes sorry his hobby takes a back seat. Once a week plus competitions on the weekend would be too much for me.

For contrast, my 'hobbies' I guess if I had to categorise them as such are reading and baking. So I do stuff in our house, when our kids are asleep usually. It doesn't eat into family life in any way. So these big commitment hobbies do wind me up frankly, when family always has to pander to the hobby schedule or whatever. But I think the majority of posters here would think i am unreasonable too.

Original poster
malificent7 · 15/08/2024 08:11

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
cookiebee · 15/08/2024 08:15

malificent7 · 15/08/2024 07:46

Hi all. I think you nailed it when you said about his ex. I have had a few issues with her over the years. In fact she ran off with another Morris person!
So on balance I think.that I am beng unreasonable!
It is a commitment rather than a hobby Ive realised.

She ran off with another morris person? All I can imagine now is your husband coming home, gingerly climbing the stairs after hearing the sound of giggling and the jingling of morris bells, opening the bedroom door to gasps and the falling over of a maypole!

Foxblue · 15/08/2024 08:16
  1. Am I missing something here - why would one person unable to attend affect the rest of the group in Morris dancing? Admittedly I've only seen people do it a handful of times, but it doesn't seem like the type of thing that always has to be done with a certain number of people or in pairs?
  2. Are the other people 'fanatics' because they are... erm, I'm really trying not to offend anyone here, and I'm happy to be corrected on this, but all the troupes I've seen are 90% retirees. Now, I know a lot of retirees live full and busy lives, but sometimes people who have only leisure time, or mostly leisure time, lose sight of the fact that working people, or people with young kids, have other commitments they need to prioritise over a hobby, the hobby isn't the centre of the universe.
OfficerChurlish · 15/08/2024 08:18

He is trying to mske it all up to me by " going above and beyond in the home." Aka doing his fair share of housework!!

It would annoy me a lot if he ISN'T doing his fair share as a matter of course. His hobby (however important to him) is an optional/leisure activity and needs to fit into the time left AFTER his household/family and work commitments. That doesn't mean he can't go to an event because something's happening at home - for example, going out the night before your move might be fine if he's done his share of the move prep in advance, knowing that he would be out.

It sounds like he'd know well in advance what dates and times he NEEDS to be away/out for his hobby, so there's an element of judgement in juggling it all. Just for example if there were several workable dates for the wedding, it's normal to take his hobby commitments into consideration like any other commitment or conflict; if there's only one possible date then his group members need to trust that he's tried his best to keep his commitment to them and simply can't and there's no point hassling him (or you). He may need to be more firm about communicating his decisions to them and (as leader) shutting down the excessive grumbling

WimpoleHat · 15/08/2024 08:18

Marseillaise · 15/08/2024 08:07

It sounds like the group needs a major recruitment drive so that they can still function if one or two people take a night off.

This sounds like the answer! I think the difficulty comes from the fact that the hobby involves making a commitment to other people - and inconveniencing those people if he doesn’t go. Which, to be fair to him, is different from, say, not going to the gym that night, or playing golf on Tuesday instead of Thursday. In the same way, I suppose, as being part of a football team or something like that. But it must be irritating to have to make your own family plans around it all the time.

NewLifter · 15/08/2024 08:19

I had heard of Morris dancing but didn't really know what it is so just went off for a lesson 😂 definitely not my cup of tea but I love the history behind it so good on him for keeping it alive.

Op I can fully understand your frustration when it feels like he's prioritising something over you and your dd - but team sports (that's maybe a stretch but same principal 😂) do need to be prioritised unfortunately. Eg my DC plays for a football team and the coach is there week in week out for training and matches - massive commitment but he takes it very seriously.

I would maybe try and ride this out, would be different if you had young DC.

bonzaitree · 15/08/2024 08:24

I don’t think you should feel bad for pointing out that your family comes first.

But the example with your DD- he really didn’t need to come home. She frankly needs to build some resilience. At 15 she should be fine to be left.

PizzaFecker · 15/08/2024 08:29

Life action role playing for sure

AugustAlready · 15/08/2024 08:29

pinacollateral · 15/08/2024 08:06

This. I think it's more other members of the group being a bit weird than your DH. You and he need to just ignore them and do what is right for you.

Show quote history

@pinacollateral

nah, he needs to stop being controlling & let another member (or 2) learn enough to take his place when he can't make it, but clearly he won't, it's no wonder some of the group left. One man's family commitments can't control the whole groups ability to 'Event' what if he broke his leg or something??

FeralNun · 15/08/2024 08:29

Foxblue · 15/08/2024 08:16

  1. Am I missing something here - why would one person unable to attend affect the rest of the group in Morris dancing? Admittedly I've only seen people do it a handful of times, but it doesn't seem like the type of thing that always has to be done with a certain number of people or in pairs?
  2. Are the other people 'fanatics' because they are... erm, I'm really trying not to offend anyone here, and I'm happy to be corrected on this, but all the troupes I've seen are 90% retirees. Now, I know a lot of retirees live full and busy lives, but sometimes people who have only leisure time, or mostly leisure time, lose sight of the fact that working people, or people with young kids, have other commitments they need to prioritise over a hobby, the hobby isn't the centre of the universe.

Wrong on both counts. Morris is having quite the moment, as well. Check this out! Boss Morris at the Brit Awards..

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6120T_EDBRc

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 15/08/2024 08:30

Gensola · 15/08/2024 04:05

Ooh no Morris would be a deal breaker for me - I find it horrifying

🤣🤣🤣🤣

AugustAlready · 15/08/2024 08:30

PizzaFecker · 15/08/2024 08:29

Life action role playing for sure

@PizzaFecker

why is it SO important to put you two pence worth in, when you haven't even bothered to read the OP's posts, let alone other peoples?

DoIWantTo · 15/08/2024 08:33

@WickieRoy thanks, I’m apparently an idiot this morning. Thought OP thought cycling was niche 🤦🏻‍♀️

AugustAlready · 15/08/2024 08:34

bonzaitree · 15/08/2024 08:24

I don’t think you should feel bad for pointing out that your family comes first.

But the example with your DD- he really didn’t need to come home. She frankly needs to build some resilience. At 15 she should be fine to be left.

@bonzaitree

its ok at any age, if you're scared there's an intruder, to call for help.

common sense should tell you as you mature that calling a neighbour is more useful than calling someone a drive away, but I don't blame a kid for calling her Dad. Her Dad did the sensible thing, but it probably felt like he wasn't there for her.

Scirocco · 15/08/2024 08:36

PizzaFecker · 15/08/2024 08:29

Life action role playing for sure

If someone can't make it to a LARPing or table-top RPG session in a campaign, all you do is either make up a reason why they're on a side-quest at that point, do a flash-back session to add in some extra context to the campaign, or do a one-shot session. Any GM/DM/narrator worth their salt should be able to have at least one of those options ready to go at all times. If the person who can't make it is the GM, then a 'second' can step in for a one-shot session.

Swipe left for the next trending thread