I'm being weird about dhs hobby aren't I? But why?

[malificent7]

Dh is a wonderful man in many ways and he has a very niche hobby ( not cycling) which would be very outing if I mentioned it here.
He only does practice once a week and events a couple of times a month but not every month so we do get a few weekends with him.
I didn't meet him through the hobby but I gave it a go. I do like it but I am not as passionate about ot as he is. I havn't quite the bug. He runs the group and events so it does consume him somewhat.
There were some nasty politics with the hobby when a group of fanatics tried to override him as leader but they left to do their own thing. He was hurt and i supported him.

I think I feel resentful about his hobby though as we had found the perfect date for our wedding that suited our families but he suggested we change the date of the wedding to accomodate his hobby. I got very upset and we stuck with our date.
Some of the fanatics at the time took umbridge with our wedding date being at the same time as the minor event .It made me feel small tbh. It made me feel like he will put the group before me at times.
Another example is that after Covid we had a family holiday abroad booked. We were due to go to an event when someone told us that covid was going round the event so we decided to cancel our group's participation as I didnt want to be refused on the flight because of covid.
One member of the group was pissed off that we had cancelled as it " looks bad" when I think that our family holiday abroad is more important.
So basically I feel that the hobby and group doing the hobby puts a strain on family life. But I also feel like i being controlling when i ask him to put family life 1st.He is a fabulous dad and step dad most of the time and a lovely dh but I feel resentful.
There is no way I want him to give it up as he loves it....his ex used to do the hobby with him and she loved it too. I just like it and can't make it my everything.
Does this make it sense?

This.

He was already into this when you met and married him, and he seems to be making efforts at home to make up for the time it takes.

I can't imagine you really want him to give it up so I think you just need to learn how to not mind - however that may be, doing your own thing, joining in whatever.

Also, pain as it is, try and avoid planning things that clash with Morris commitments, it's annoying but it will avoid conflict.

I don't get not saying the hobby or just make up a different one or say he participates and runs a club

Fanatics 🤔

The hobby is irrelevant in my opinion. It’s the situations that need to be dealt with that arise from it.

personally being in a similar situation I told DH nicely that we came first, I and the kids came before ‘the hobby’, and whilst I understood the ‘hobby’ was important to him it would severely impact my feelings for him if he choose to put it before me and the kids. (We did have a serious moment at one point with some rather frank conversations when it was going to impact my life in a big way).

as long as your DH put you first then I wouldn’t worry and try and distance yourself from ‘hobby’ people. Maybe find your own hobby.

I can't picture Morris Dancing now without thinking of a really creepy nursery rhymes video my nieces used to watch. The Morris dancing was probably the least creepy thing and they would get napkins from my sis to copy the dancing 😂 all I can hear now is Tom Tom the pipers son "over the hills and a long way off, the wind shall blow my top knot off"

The fact there are fanatics trying to overthrow the leader is hilarious, the politics of Folk dance.

I suppose it's not about the hobby but the people your husband spends time with that colours the judgement.

I had a boyfriend once who did martial arts, I also did the same martial arts and we met during a tournament. My training group was amazing, very open, did lots of going outs and drinks and fun stuff but was also very welcoming to new people. His particular circle of friends were extremely unpleasant, it was a clique, I went out once with them and they would only speak to each other about stuff and people I would have never known about. They thought they were very cool and niche and original because it was not a very particularly big martial art and relatively few people do it, so it made them feel very special.

I get how the people that surround him can be a bit offputting, and maybe he is not that good at drawing line and needs to practise being assertive.

Mmm..

If it feels like your family is now - You, Him, Children and the rest of a Morris Side... rather than just you him and the kids... I can kinda see how thats annoying at times.

Add in that him simply doing his share is, in his eyes, him going above and beyond and that you have to remind him of his family responsibilities or he will pick the lure of the jingly bells and ribbons every time...

Yeah, I am not sure you are being 100% unreasonable here.

I'd ask him how he'd feel about passing the jingly stick over to one of the others to be the leader, so he can still take part, but he's not quite so responsible for everything, always, at any time.

This!! It's really bloody boring isn't it?

Unless the 'niche hobby' is something SO rare that only 6 people in the entire country take part, or is, in fact, illegal, then just name the bloody hobby!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

This rings a bell (boom!) But I can't find it on the Internet. It sounds quite Dectorists though. I worked on a local paper many years ago and the two rival local Morris groups would bombard us with press releases, trying to outdo each other. It got quite weird!

I don't know why you'd expect someone to miss their hobby to go trick or treating. It's hardly missing their graduation or their first nativity play is it. My children survived their whole childhood never going trick or treating and have never noticed or complained.

He doesn't seem to over-commit to his hobby, so he isn't being unreasonable. And some hobbies do take more of a commitment. You knew he had that commitment in place when you got together with him, so you can't expect him to give it up for you.

The examples you've given, he's backed down and put you first each time. He seems to be giving more than you are.

Asking a neighbour to check on your house when your teenager was frightened.... perfectly normal. I'd do the same, as it would mean someone would get to them much faster than me trying to get home. It was the most sensible thing to do. In that case, it reads as though you'd have preferred him to drive home, and keep your scared child waiting longer, than to get a neighbour who's seconds away to check... just because you wanted to know he'd ruin his hobby night, even when it wasn't necessary.

I think you're being unfair.

Well since we're all still having a go, I think it's extreme team needlepoint.

I went trick or treating about twice. As for things I wished I'd done in childhood that's not one of them.

As for the teen dd - absolutely right a neighbour checked on her. The neighbour was there! Right next door. What if there had been something wrong DD would have been alone until he got home.

You said the wedding date was mutually convenient for everyone. But it wasn't- because it wasn't convenient for your husband. But he DID cancel his hobby for the date you wanted.

Honestly I'm not seeing a problem here.

When you marry a Morris man, you marry the Side. That's going into my book of wisdom for girls.

But he did miss out.
On seeing his child having fun, seeing them maybe with their friends but outside what is a normal routine. Guiding them if they were a bit too shy to go to the door etc….
A lot (most?) parents take pleasure in seeing their dcs enjoying themselves p, growing up, getting over a fear etc….
Thats what he’d missing on. Not the Trick and Treat event itself. I thought that would be obvious?

They might not be able to manage without him if he is the "conductor". When you say leader, is he the one directing the musicians and dancers? I don't know the official term, but sort of like a band leader.
Anyway, it doesn't sound like this hobby takes up huge amounts of family time, just that the other participants are a bit obsessive.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1029342/ Morris A life with bells on.........worth a watch......
And Morris dancers can be women too......

thank you, that would explain why I couldn't find it....it wasn't Mackenzie Crook! The docco about the Morris side who decided shock horror to accept women was good too.

Then he should have a second in command!

But he didn’t feel he missed out. Op thinks he might have felt sad about it. If he was sad about it he would have made different plans the next year. Lots of parents don’t feel they are missing out not going trick or treating. Lots of kids don’t even do it.

You can see your kids outside your normal routine, guide them if they are feeling a bit shy, see them growing up and getting over fears all without trick or treating.

Halloween isn’t a huge deal to everyone. And no parent does everything with their kids, just because others think it’s a big deal. The start of autumn is a big deal in my house. We have a small fire, cook together, eat outside round the fire, stay out and look at the stars, have the neighbours over etc. if someone else does do that with their kids, they aren’t missing out. They just don’t do it.

Not a single one of your examples raises any issues with me, infact in most of them he puts family before the hobby.

Our old landline was one digit off the local ukulele groups number.
It was surprising how often we got calls for it.

I then found out that there were TWO local ukulele groups.

We also regularly got calls for GameStation, the tip and a G.P surgery.

Me too.

This is what I ALWAYS think of when people mention a hobby...

And I thought I was being clever 😂