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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

311 replies

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:20

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

OP posts:
Peoniesinbloom · 13/08/2024 13:23

new relationship?

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:24

Peoniesinbloom · 13/08/2024 13:23

new relationship?

he lives here with us and only goes there over the Summer and Xmas though 🤔

OP posts:
Grateeggspectations · 13/08/2024 13:25

Second family?

mytuppennyworth · 13/08/2024 13:26

Does his UK phone even work there? I have friends who have a different phone for every country, more or less

invisiblecat · 13/08/2024 13:26

My thoughts?

1 - To all intents and purposes you are a single parent.

2 - It is possible that he has another partner and family out there.

3 - He is financially abusing you, and you need to divorce him.

Iamiams · 13/08/2024 13:26

He has a wife and family there and is living here to send money back.

annonymousse · 13/08/2024 13:26

A double life? Does he have a whole second family in his home country?

Doodledeedum · 13/08/2024 13:26

Sounds like you are the additional family on the side to me

He has another back home and probably does the same when he's here to them, claiming to be working

Can you see his out's going money and where it lands/goes/is used?

MonsteraMama · 13/08/2024 13:27

Well of course he blocks you, wouldn't want his other wife knowing about you would he?

Even if he's not got family #2 over there, he's a piece of shit leaving you alone for the summer and Christmas holidays when you have kids. No reason would excuse it so stop trying to sound out why he does it and just focus on getting away from him!

ZoeRose81 · 13/08/2024 13:27

second family was my first thought. What is the relationship like when he comes back and you’ve been working and solely responsible for the kids for six weeks? Does he contact them while he is away?

bumblebubble23 · 13/08/2024 13:28

Second family

LightDrizzle · 13/08/2024 13:29

Second family.

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:30

mytuppennyworth · 13/08/2024 13:26

Does his UK phone even work there? I have friends who have a different phone for every country, more or less

yes, works fine. He is texting the DC and calling them once in a blue moon.

OP posts:
tissueboxandcandles · 13/08/2024 13:32

You need to start gathering all the financial information you can find and get legal advice. Have you got your property documents,marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports? This is what is known on here as "getting the ducks in a row". Do it before he comes back.

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:33

second family is what I wondered too.

I have no idea where his money is going. we have no joint accounts (his decision, not mine). and yes, he is leaving me all Summer alone here with the DC whilst I work the majority of the time (part time though) and he has not left us a penny. I have some saving though so we are fine and can cope.

OP posts:
RichieRich64 · 13/08/2024 13:35

Iamiams · 13/08/2024 13:26

He has a wife and family there and is living here to send money back.

This. Its the obvious thing given this behaviour, unfortunately.

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:35

tissueboxandcandles · 13/08/2024 13:32

You need to start gathering all the financial information you can find and get legal advice. Have you got your property documents,marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports? This is what is known on here as "getting the ducks in a row". Do it before he comes back.

yes, I am having all financial documents secured plus kids passport. At least I have plenty of time to get this sorted in peace.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 13/08/2024 13:36

There's no excuse for it, regardless.
Don't dwell on exactly what he gets up to when he's away, just be happy when he's away permanently. You deserve much better.

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:36

RichieRich64 · 13/08/2024 13:35

This. Its the obvious thing given this behaviour, unfortunately.

he has been in the UK for over 20 years. We have been married for 16 years. This behaviour only started a few years ago though.

OP posts:
lazysummerdayz · 13/08/2024 13:36

He blatantly has a wife and maybe even children that are the same culture as him over there - the fact his parents have little to do with their own grandchildren suggests they pretend you don't exist as you aren't the same culture/religion as him so don't recognise your marriage

Not sure why/how on earth you've got in this position and haven't nipped it in the bud well before now

MintyNew · 13/08/2024 13:38

Has the family never seen the children? I think it's almost certain that he has another family. Possibly this new wife and kids are approved by his parents and they are also keeping the secret. It's very common to work here and send money back home. Seems exactly what he's doing and very explainable to the other family. So sorry op, you deserve better and I'm glad you are working on your exit plan.

theansweris42 · 13/08/2024 13:40

Not sure why/how on earth you've got in this position and haven't nipped it in the bud well before now

Why why why do people post things like this? How will it help?
No one knows what the reasons for choices made are.
Focus on the issue at hand , please.

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:40

lazysummerdayz · 13/08/2024 13:36

He blatantly has a wife and maybe even children that are the same culture as him over there - the fact his parents have little to do with their own grandchildren suggests they pretend you don't exist as you aren't the same culture/religion as him so don't recognise your marriage

Not sure why/how on earth you've got in this position and haven't nipped it in the bud well before now

Not sure why/how on earth you've got in this position and haven't nipped it in the bud well before now

Things were hard. One of the DC is severely disabled... it took a lot of my focus. I must have been sleepwalking. I don't understand it either. Usually my head is screwed on.

It's not a different culture or religion. We are all 'western', no religion etc.

OP posts:
OverthinkingRogue · 13/08/2024 13:40

I'm really sorry OP but it really does sound like he has another life away from you, now whether he has a girlfriend or possibly a wife, im really not sure, but for him to spend that amount of time away from you, he's obviously saying something very similar to them.

yesmen · 13/08/2024 13:41

If he is from a culture that has arranged marriages etc he could very well be married over there.

It seems very odd to have that much physical separation during the holidays, emotional separation in that you cannot go with him or call, financial separation and so on.

All of builds a picture that ends in a place that is not good for you.