Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

311 replies

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:20

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

OP posts:
givemushypeasachance · 13/08/2024 15:11

What do you say when he comes back after six weeks away of having you blocked on his phone and zero contact? "Hi, DH, how was your summer?". Have you never asked him why he does it? Or why his family have all blocked you? That is full on abandonment/desertion - okay to legally get a divorce on those grounds it needs to be for two years, but it's a shorter term version of the same. "Desertion is when a spouse leaves their partner and children without warning or agreement to avoid legal responsibilities."

loropianalover · 13/08/2024 15:14

I am sorry to be blunt but I’m finding this a difficult story to believe.

If it is true, I honestly don’t understand your ‘intrigue’, ‘what could this be?’ way of dealing with things. If my husband left the country and didn’t contact me/blocked me I’d call the police in that country to report him missing. He abandoned you and your disabled child. For months on end. You’re a single parent.

What happens when summer ends? He lets himself in the front door and you kiss him on the cheek and say ‘how was your summer?! Tell us everything!’…?

RichmondReader · 13/08/2024 15:16

Agree with the suspicions around entire second family.

Are there any periphery family members you can stalk on social media? No doubt he is very careful, but a wider family member or friend might be less cautious about posting 'events' that include your DH and any other potential 'family' he had?

Having said that, his decision to desert and block for an ENTIRE SUMMER is enough grounds for divorce.

StandingSideBySide · 13/08/2024 15:16

If you can’t go over yourself to find out what’s going on then I would hire a private investigator. Not one from his home town area.
You need to know what’s going on.

I also wonder if marriages are registered somewhere in his home country?

Robotcustard · 13/08/2024 15:17

Bloody hell, awful behaviour by him. Goes away all summer/Christmas and leaves you with all the childcare - and you work. Blocks you so you can’t contact him, what if there was an emergency? When he’s home does he act like a husband, do you share the same bed etc? Doesn’t even sound like he treats you with one ounce of respect.

I would do all the things that are being suggested here about getting your ducks in a row and file for divorce. He won’t see it coming as you can’t even talk to him about it!

Narcises2012 · 13/08/2024 15:18

Hey OP, so sorry you are going though this. I hate to say but all too familiar scenario. My own father did exactly this to my mother. He had a mistress and they had a child ( 10 months difference between me and half sister ). When away he lived happy family with them and when back would be with my mum. Also no contact whilst away and grandparents never in contact with me or mum. He sounds very much like central / easter european as they often tend to go over for summer and Christmas.
Hope it is nothing sinister like above and don't get your self all worked up too much. There isn't much you can do other than live life for your children and your own sake. All will be well in the end. Hope you find truth 🙏

northernlight20 · 13/08/2024 15:19

op, i am african origin and your story is as old as time. i have seen so many men, have a wife and kids in africa, then get to western countries to 'marry and have kids usually with western women, sending money back to his original family and eventually retiring there. And usually the family back home is well aware of whats going on too. (Ive purposely not named any african countries by the way, but you get the gist)

Getonwitit · 13/08/2024 15:19

I would imagine he has a wife and children over there.

Oopsithinkyoumeantrachel · 13/08/2024 15:19

Grateeggspectations · 13/08/2024 13:25

Second family?

This 💯 %

I bet he's spinning a yarn to his parents and potentially others too.

Sorry 😔

6pence · 13/08/2024 15:22

Take the pp up on her offer to access her international geneology site
or
Op, tell us which country. Odds are someone on here would have contacts and can do some digging for you.

HoppityBun · 13/08/2024 15:23

tissueboxandcandles · 13/08/2024 13:32

You need to start gathering all the financial information you can find and get legal advice. Have you got your property documents,marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports? This is what is known on here as "getting the ducks in a row". Do it before he comes back.

100%

femfemlicious · 13/08/2024 15:26

seethingmess · 13/08/2024 15:00

It's bizarre that he would think he could block you for the summer and then arrive back to live with you again. That's nuts! How did it come about that his family blocked you also?

The marriage is over, you need to consult a solicitor while he's gone and sort out the financial arrangements.

Exactly, I wonder how the dynamics are. Sounds miserable

JLou08 · 13/08/2024 15:27

I don't often agree when people on here jump to conclusions of infidelity but this is clear as day and I don't know how you have managed to have DC with him and not click on. He has another family. No question about it.

femfemlicious · 13/08/2024 15:27

northernlight20 · 13/08/2024 15:19

op, i am african origin and your story is as old as time. i have seen so many men, have a wife and kids in africa, then get to western countries to 'marry and have kids usually with western women, sending money back to his original family and eventually retiring there. And usually the family back home is well aware of whats going on too. (Ive purposely not named any african countries by the way, but you get the gist)

I feel ya. Most of them do it

2Funky · 13/08/2024 15:29

Hi OP,

Someone above said "If my husband left the country and didn’t contact me/blocked me I’d call the police in that country to report him missing."
Well, why don't you do that? Assuming you are not suspecting anything weird this would be very natural thing to do if a normal loved one wouldn't be reachable for weeks on end. And assuming you are telling us the truth, you could proof the local police you are married to this douche bag. Report him missing in both your own country and the country he is staying right now.

2Funky · 13/08/2024 15:29

PS is the country Eastern European by any chance?

Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 15:31

why the fuck do women let themselves be treated like this???

thank you. that made me feel loads better.

OP posts:
Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 15:32

2Funky · 13/08/2024 15:29

Hi OP,

Someone above said "If my husband left the country and didn’t contact me/blocked me I’d call the police in that country to report him missing."
Well, why don't you do that? Assuming you are not suspecting anything weird this would be very natural thing to do if a normal loved one wouldn't be reachable for weeks on end. And assuming you are telling us the truth, you could proof the local police you are married to this douche bag. Report him missing in both your own country and the country he is staying right now.

he is in on/off contact with the DC. He isn't completely missing, just not contactable for me and leaving me high and dry financially

OP posts:
Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 15:33

2Funky · 13/08/2024 15:29

PS is the country Eastern European by any chance?

no, I don't wanna name the country but not EU.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2024 15:34

You need to go to a solicitor. Immediately.

Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 15:36

RichmondReader · 13/08/2024 15:16

Agree with the suspicions around entire second family.

Are there any periphery family members you can stalk on social media? No doubt he is very careful, but a wider family member or friend might be less cautious about posting 'events' that include your DH and any other potential 'family' he had?

Having said that, his decision to desert and block for an ENTIRE SUMMER is enough grounds for divorce.

none of them have SM apart from sister who blocked me

OP posts:
WhichEllie · 13/08/2024 15:40

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 15:33

no, I don't wanna name the country but not EU.

Show quote history

At this point it’s not more outing than anything else you’ve posted, and knowing the country would allow people to give you specific advice/insight.

Greenhedge1 · 13/08/2024 15:43

Contact Women's aid.
This is financial abuse.
You need this logged.
You need to tell your GP and start getting organised.
Do a written out detailed timeliness.

He abandons the family every year.
You need to ask Women's aid to get you legal advice.
You need to get the most equity in the house.
You have his employers name.
You need to act on this NOW while he is away.

loropianalover · 13/08/2024 15:43

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 15:32

he is in on/off contact with the DC. He isn't completely missing, just not contactable for me and leaving me high and dry financially

Show quote history

You can’t contact him, your kids are being emotionally and financially abandoned year on year. I’d report him missing, put his picture on every local Facebook group in his country and call the papers.

Your story of just accepting/sleepwalking through this doesn’t ring true to me. I personally don’t believe that this thread is real, but on the chance that it is (maybe I’m just lucky that I can’t fathom being treated such a way) then it sounds like you know in your gut he has a second family and you’ve chosen to ignore it for the sake of easiness/not rocking the boat up until now. Surely the time for planning is over and you can just change the locks or move while he’s away.

LAMPS1 · 13/08/2024 15:46

He could have a serious love interest and child/children back home in his country of origin. His parents have transferred all their love to the new family as they are on their doorstep. He could have told them you are divorced. He could have painted you as the villain. Hence yiu are blocked and never hear from them.
But he comes back to you to live as it’s cheaper than finding a new place and it’s so much more convenient with everything on tap. His parents don’t know that. They think he lives in a bed sit and is a good man earning a better wage overseas to support his newer family at home. As long as you ask no questions your end and the new family ask no questions their end, then he would happily continue this way until retirement when he would disappear altogether to live on his pension.

He is going to leave you high and dry some day …you just don’t know when.

Or he could be up to something really dodgy…fraud/drugs etc.

He no longer brings anything to you or your children so it’s good you are preparing to exit the marriage before he disappears for good.
Try to build up a friendship or two if can OP. I hate to think of you going through all of this on your own. But you do sound as if you have your head screwed on I think.
Good luck to you!