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Original poster

H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

311 replies

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:20

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

OP posts:
Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:41

MintyNew · 13/08/2024 13:38

Has the family never seen the children? I think it's almost certain that he has another family. Possibly this new wife and kids are approved by his parents and they are also keeping the secret. It's very common to work here and send money back home. Seems exactly what he's doing and very explainable to the other family. So sorry op, you deserve better and I'm glad you are working on your exit plan.

parents came a few times when kids were little and we visited once 7 years ago. I think this is the last time they saw the DC

OP posts:
Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:42

If he is from a culture that has arranged marriages etc he could very well be married over there.

no, western culture. No religion, no arranged marriage. nothing like that.

OP posts:
baytreelane23 · 13/08/2024 13:44

You should watch the Jlloyd programme on Netflix- poor UK wife totally blind sighted!

I feel he's got a second wife and family too. Sorry, op. Don't wait around for him. He's blocked you and barely contacts his kids! Terrible terrible man!

tissueboxandcandles · 13/08/2024 13:46

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:35

yes, I am having all financial documents secured plus kids passport. At least I have plenty of time to get this sorted in peace.

Show quote history

That is good. I know someone who was in exactly your situation. She put up with it for almost 20 years. He had another family in the country he had been travelling to for work. He tried to hide his pension, his overseas properties, his investments, the lot. He used to be away "for work" for months at a time and left her very short of money. Supposedly uncontactable, but he worked for a huge international company and managed to be in touch with head office etc.

cowboybootsonglassfloor · 13/08/2024 13:49

Is he actually with his parents? Or is he drug running?

MintyNew · 13/08/2024 13:51

His parents aren't bothered which also questions why he is so bothered about them then. Sorry op this doesn't look good.

StormingNorman · 13/08/2024 13:56

My first thought was a second wife/family.

If you last saw the ILs 7 years ago and he started acting strangely four years ago, I would say it started in that time.

You not being allowed to visit with the kids over summer, spending Christmas apart, being blocked and being so financially secretive are the biggest red flags here.

can you contact him by any means? Might be worth it to see what his reaction is when you tell him you got a week off work and have booked some flights! The more he panics, the bigger the lie.

ns87 · 13/08/2024 13:58

Sounds like a second family, or an addiction of some sort.

Get yourself sorted and get out OP, best of luck x

Jadeleigh196 · 13/08/2024 13:59

Another vote for second family.

NewGreenDuck · 13/08/2024 13:59

He's committed bigamy. He's supporting 2 families.
He's supporting his parents or wider family.
Either way, I would get rid.

Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:59

StormingNorman · 13/08/2024 13:56

My first thought was a second wife/family.

If you last saw the ILs 7 years ago and he started acting strangely four years ago, I would say it started in that time.

You not being allowed to visit with the kids over summer, spending Christmas apart, being blocked and being so financially secretive are the biggest red flags here.

can you contact him by any means? Might be worth it to see what his reaction is when you tell him you got a week off work and have booked some flights! The more he panics, the bigger the lie.

I cannot contact him at all. and he wouldn't believe me in any case as he knows full well that I have no money for ad hoc plane tickets there in the middle of the school hols. he would know I am bluffing.

I contacted him once through the DC and he blocked them too (eventually unblocked them). it caused so much upset. his family have me all blocked so cannot go through them either 😞

OP posts:
lazysummerdayz · 13/08/2024 14:00

Does he have much involvement with your children when he is home? Or is he trying to dodge any care for your disabled child in the school holidays since it would and should naturally fall to him since he has school holidays off?

Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 14:01

lazysummerdayz · 13/08/2024 14:00

Does he have much involvement with your children when he is home? Or is he trying to dodge any care for your disabled child in the school holidays since it would and should naturally fall to him since he has school holidays off?

lionshare falls on me.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 13/08/2024 14:02

There is someone else.

He is financially abusing you by not being transparent and not paying for bills.

This alone is enough to divorce.

BlastedPimples · 13/08/2024 14:03

My stbxh blocked me too. He was living on another city during lockdown. Was living with another woman. Such a creep.

PixelatedLunchbox · 13/08/2024 14:03

Are you legally married to him?

Beth216 · 13/08/2024 14:05

His family never wanted him to marry and have kids with a foreigner and now have blocked you because he has a nice local girl who he's spending summers and winters with. That would be my bet.

You're being treated horribly OP, you need to carefully plan your escape.

Decaffeinatedplease · 13/08/2024 14:06

Second families are not that unusual in men who compartmentalize their lives, let alone if you then add on all the usual cheaters/having affairs. He is definitely up to one of these two things, as shown by the blocking of his first family and wife (you) and them having no contact with his family when these things would be normal even if he lived away a lot.

My husband lives away sometimes and we speak 3/4 times a day! And endlessly communicate, full communication with his family, visit, children have contact with grandparent.

You are not stuck though, you are used to caring for the children alone, you need to get divorced, put through maintenance and he can see the children about as much as he does now.

Have you got any real life support?

RandomMess · 13/08/2024 14:06

I would end the relationship and start claiming UC as a single parent & CMS.

Sure you have to let him back in the house but you do NOTHING for him.

Do you rent or is it a mortgaged house?

Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 14:07

PixelatedLunchbox · 13/08/2024 14:03

Are you legally married to him?

yes

OP posts:
Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 14:07

RandomMess · 13/08/2024 14:06

I would end the relationship and start claiming UC as a single parent & CMS.

Sure you have to let him back in the house but you do NOTHING for him.

Do you rent or is it a mortgaged house?

mortgages. very little left though.

OP posts:
Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 14:08

Decaffeinatedplease · 13/08/2024 14:06

Second families are not that unusual in men who compartmentalize their lives, let alone if you then add on all the usual cheaters/having affairs. He is definitely up to one of these two things, as shown by the blocking of his first family and wife (you) and them having no contact with his family when these things would be normal even if he lived away a lot.

My husband lives away sometimes and we speak 3/4 times a day! And endlessly communicate, full communication with his family, visit, children have contact with grandparent.

You are not stuck though, you are used to caring for the children alone, you need to get divorced, put through maintenance and he can see the children about as much as he does now.

Have you got any real life support?

no, no family, no friends. My parents passed away. no siblings.

OP posts:
MilkyCappuchino · 13/08/2024 14:09

Double life; at least some woman but how she manages without him the majority of the year, I don't get it

MilkyCappuchino · 13/08/2024 14:09

Is there not a way to ask British police to ask their police for marital situation

Seaoftroubles · 13/08/2024 14:12

This sounds horrendous, he is treating you and the childen with utter contempt. You are totally blocked? What would happen if you or one of your children was taken seriously ill? Please use this time apart to seek advice on divorcing him. Whatever the reason that he's acting this way you don't have to tolerate it.