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Original poster

H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

311 replies

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:20

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

OP posts:
Decaffeinatedplease · 13/08/2024 14:44

You don't need to find out what's going on though to find being blocked from your own husband for months a year unacceptable, no-one would think that's ok in a relationship, and neither is going away and leaving not enough money for his family. I get the need to know, but the relationship is not normal in any sense even without knowing what he's up to.

OVienna · 13/08/2024 14:44

PfishFood · 13/08/2024 14:43

It really does sound like he's told his family that you have split up, hence why he blocks you and not the kids, but then blocks the kids if you use them to contact him.

You've not seen them for 7 years, and he's been acting strange for 4. I bet he's found someone else, online or whatever, and is playing happy families back in his home country.

On the flip side, he's telling them that he has to stay working in the UK, for the sake of his children here, or because he can afford to send more money "home" but spends the longer holidays there because that's "their time" with him. Meanwhile they're all oblivious to the fact that he's living a full, married life in the UK with the mother of his children.

Is there a way you can search public records in his home country? Property, births, marriages, etc? I'd be looking him up anywhere I could.

I'd also be looking through everything at home, looking for any sort of paperwork he might have left in the UK - income, bank statements, anything. Not so easy nowadays with a lot of stuff coming electronically. Does he have a computer or the like that he might have saved login details on that you can get into? I have gone "paperless" at home and shred everything that comes in, but I save scanned copies to a OneDrive that my DH could access if he really needed to.

Something tells me he's going to have everything squirreled away where it's difficult to find though...

yes, search, search, search, OP!
He'll have made a mistake along the way for sure.

Moveoverdarlin · 13/08/2024 14:48

theansweris42 · 13/08/2024 13:40

Not sure why/how on earth you've got in this position and haven't nipped it in the bud well before now

Why why why do people post things like this? How will it help?
No one knows what the reasons for choices made are.
Focus on the issue at hand , please.

Because it’s just absolutely ludicrous that any woman would accept this shit! Your husband fucks off for the whole summer and blocks you whilst away. If my DH did this for 24 hours I’d go mental. This man has another family and has had for YEARS. People comment in disbelief because they can’t fathom how it got to this point. Whilst it might not help it will hopefully give the OP the kick up the arse she needs to get rid of this asshole.

femfemlicious · 13/08/2024 14:49

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:20

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

He most likely has a wife and kids there....sorry love. Is he African?

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 13/08/2024 14:50

It's not a proper relationship and he is not a decent father. I would be very suspicious what he is getting up to over there. He could have another woman and more children You need to leave him and go through the proper route to get child support from him. As a teacher he won't be able to avoid this and the money will be taken from his wages.

OVienna · 13/08/2024 14:50

Decaffeinatedplease · 13/08/2024 14:44

You don't need to find out what's going on though to find being blocked from your own husband for months a year unacceptable, no-one would think that's ok in a relationship, and neither is going away and leaving not enough money for his family. I get the need to know, but the relationship is not normal in any sense even without knowing what he's up to.

I get this. But in divorce proceedings you wouldn't want discussions with him about a settlement/any arrangements with the children to be based on him a trustworthy person on any level. I would want to know for that reason. Negotiations/discussions could also be quicker with serious proof and more favourable to the OP.

Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 14:50

wizzywig · 13/08/2024 14:17

Is the culture Asian? I ask this as a pakistani. He may have a second wife back home

not Asian, not Pakistan

OP posts:
Leanmeansmitingmachine · 13/08/2024 14:50

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:59

I cannot contact him at all. and he wouldn't believe me in any case as he knows full well that I have no money for ad hoc plane tickets there in the middle of the school hols. he would know I am bluffing.

I contacted him once through the DC and he blocked them too (eventually unblocked them). it caused so much upset. his family have me all blocked so cannot go through them either 😞

Edited
Show quote history

This is one of the most fucked up things I have ever read on here.

Mumofoneandone · 13/08/2024 14:50

Definitely financial abuse - contact woman's aid or similar for support.
Go through all paperwork etc whilst he's away and make copies etc which you store out of the house. Do the same with Passports and other important paperwork.
Speak to a lawyer about divorce for financial abuse/desertion.
If you can rearrange the house, so that his space is separate from yours and the childrens, do so. Look into benefits you would be entitled to.
Let your work know what is happening, so they are kept in the loop.
Good luck

magicmushrooms · 13/08/2024 14:51

Second family - almost certainly. Out of interest was your husband a Uk passport holder when you married him?

but definitely put an end to this - see a solicitor and see if they can assist at all.

Original poster
spiegelis · 13/08/2024 14:52

magicmushrooms · 13/08/2024 14:51

Second family - almost certainly. Out of interest was your husband a Uk passport holder when you married him?

but definitely put an end to this - see a solicitor and see if they can assist at all.

yes, he had a Uk passport before we met.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2024 14:54

@spiegelis

IMHO it doesn't really matter why he's behaving as he is. The fact is that he treats you and your children appallingly and that's a good enough reason to end the marriage.

See a solicitor about a divorce and what that means to you financially. Search the house for any/all financial documentation he may have left behind. Even if his money is in his sole name they're still marital assets and you (and the DC) are entitled to a share. Unless all his assets are in his home country he'll hopefully not be able to hide them, although I'm sure he can move them easily.

See about benefits for yourself and any for your disabled child (if such a thing exists, I'm in the US so don't know). If there's any support anywhere for you to increase your work hours, do that too.

Whether it's a good idea to tell him your plans whilst he's gone or when he gets back is a very good thing to discuss with the solicitor.

LifeExperience · 13/08/2024 14:54

spiegelis · 13/08/2024 13:36

he has been in the UK for over 20 years. We have been married for 16 years. This behaviour only started a few years ago though.

Show quote history

Sounds like he met her a few years ago. Likely told her he works in the UK to help support her, and she believes him. Real piece of excrement you got there, OP.

averythinline · 13/08/2024 14:57

You need to file for divorce and start getting a financial disclosure underway....

To be frank the older your dc are the lower your needs will be... If he has a teachers ftime pension it is probably worth quite a bit.. as well as the equity in your house ..

I would use the time he's away to see a solicitor and start getting paperwork sorted .

houseofcards1 · 13/08/2024 14:57

How do you think he'd react if you told him not to come back?

How old are the kids? I'd seek legal advice and separate - and put in a claim for universal credit in your name only.

KreedKafer · 13/08/2024 14:58

He either a) has another woman in his home country, b) has another woman and another child in his home country or c) is actually going to another country entirely and has another woman/child there. That's why he hasn't got as much money as he's supposed to have. He's sending money to someone else.

If it's C, that would explain why he blocks your phone, because if you called him you might realise from a dial tone or network message that he isn't where he says he is.

wickerlady · 13/08/2024 14:59

Iamiams · 13/08/2024 13:26

He has a wife and family there and is living here to send money back.

This

Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2024 15:00

I'd leave my kids with family and book myself into a hostel in that country and then show up at his family home like 'surprise' *jazz hands.

Betting his family don't know you exist tbh. And there's a wife. Or new gf.

seethingmess · 13/08/2024 15:00

It's bizarre that he would think he could block you for the summer and then arrive back to live with you again. That's nuts! How did it come about that his family blocked you also?

The marriage is over, you need to consult a solicitor while he's gone and sort out the financial arrangements.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 13/08/2024 15:02

Please, please see a solicitor and change the locks. He is adding nothing to your life and taking away an awful lot. Get court ordered maintenance in place before he ditches you and your DC completely. Are you frightened of him?

Allthehorsesintheworld · 13/08/2024 15:03

You can do a lot of searches online for marriages in various countries. Pm me if you want me to search. I have membership of an international genealogy site.
Also check the country he’s in for reciprocal agreement on child support.

Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2024 15:04

Change the locks and file for divorce.

And be very clear with your kids that you are leaving him because of his dysfunctional behaviour. That it's not OK too treat partners as he has you. That normal relationships do not look this way.

SeriouslyWorriedEars · 13/08/2024 15:05

why the fuck do women let themselves be treated like this???

seriously, he's an arsehole.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 13/08/2024 15:05

Can you use savings for a private detective to gather evidence and then take him to court if breaking law or just for divorce. Take back control of your life OP and sort finances while he is away ready to claim half his pension, house etc. What an absolutely horrible way for him to treat you and DC.

Pinkbonbon · 13/08/2024 15:07

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 13/08/2024 15:05

Can you use savings for a private detective to gather evidence and then take him to court if breaking law or just for divorce. Take back control of your life OP and sort finances while he is away ready to claim half his pension, house etc. What an absolutely horrible way for him to treat you and DC.

Tbf it would be money wasted because I suppose it doesn't matter why he does what he does. Only that he treats op like shit.

Good point the he could be up to something shady though.