H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

[spiegelis]

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

@spiegelis, ‘nasty, nasty man’ is an understatement.

It is beyond disturbing that this Horror repeatedly abandons you and his severely disabled child and other children, leaving you in the lurch in every way — physically, emotionally and financially. I am aghast that he blocks you and provides no money, and declared you abusive when you requested funds for an unexpected expense. He is the abuser and neglector, and his family is appalling!

Yes, all signs point to subterfuge and a double life. I’m not in the UK, but you’ve had excellent suggestions of ways to investigate. Regardless of what he’s up to, I hope your ejection and divorce of this king asshole will be asap. His devaluation and degradation of you and the children is beyond the pale.

I can't believe he's done this for four years - I would have LTB after the first time.

I agree that there is little point in wasting precious energy trying to understand why.

Focus on getting you and the DC out of this situation.

Second family. Depending on his culture you might be the second family and his money is going to them or his parents.

Sorry Op.

At 15.54 u you said one of the children is in contact with grandparents. So you CAN reach out to them and ask their help.

i tried that and as soon as I use the DC's phone, they block the DC too and it takes a day or so to unblock them again. they will not respond to my messages I send. It's a one way channel only.

Anyways, I am so incredibly stressed out by it all. I will try to let the 'what is going on' go and just focus on the things i can do here to get things sorted.

I wouldn't be focused on what's going on. It's not worth it. Focus on a plan on how you're going to leave him. Write it down, do an action plan on how you're going to make the most of the next few weeks. Contact a solicitor for advice.

Just come across this and was going to say "second family" without seeing others' responses. That happened to a family member; she found 3 children's passports in his bag from another family he'd started after hers.
Glad to hear you've got plans. Haven't read all comments so may be repeating things, but bear in mind that he might be telling others that you have broken up/divorced but that you won't accept it and are acting as if you are still married, or that you are mad and stalking him. That then "explains" things if you contact them claiming that you are still married. Might be worth collecting messages between the two of you that illustrate the real situation, just in case it comes in handy later.

I think that's best. As I said upthread it doesn't really matter what he's doing or why, he's treating you and your DC appallingly.

Just make your plans now and hopefully be able to execute them before his planned return.

Step one is SOLICITOR, now!

She had also explained and the child being blocked after that, some people really think they are Sherlocks who managed to find a loophole.

Sorry op. The approach about not worrying about exactly what's going on there is a great one. Some parents will support their adult child no matter how wrong they are. They might be financially benefiting as well.

I am genuinely bemused that people think it’s even remotely possible he has a second family.

In fact I’d go so far as to say there’s an element of racism in that assumption, given people are automatically assuming that the h must be from one of those cultures or religions or countries where this practice is commonplace, people seem to be overlooking the fact that the OP has said he’s from a western culture outside of Europe.

If the OP had put in her original post “my DH goes to see his parents in the US/canada/australia every summer and every Christmas and has done for the past four years, and when he gets there he blocks me, nobody would be suggesting that he had a wife and kids (apparently established in the eight weeks a year he’s been away in the past four years). People would be saying he’s an arsehole (which he is), people would be saying he’s probably going over there hoping to live the single life while he’s there. Another wife and kids wouldn’t even enter people’s thinking. Because another family, who he has presumably only met six times in the past three years (presumably it wasn’t instant marriage?) isn’t remotely plausible.

@AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime sadly I know someone who did this. It is plausible.

I can believe that you are incredibly stressed, @spiegelis but it's good that you recognize that you'll be more likely to stay calm if you focus on the practicalities.

Choose your solicitor wisely. You want to make sure they have experience of dealing with spouses who have absconded abroad and may have hidden money/moved assets to a different jurisdiction.

I agree that it sounds like he has a wife/partner and family over there.

He is keeping his accounts from you so you can't see how much he's sending home every month.

I really think you need to divorce him (on the grounds of abandonment) so that you get half of whatever assets are owned in the UK. He could leave at any point and never come back and there would be nothing you could do. You're pretty much living the life of a single parent anyway.

What an absolute arsehole, leaving you for so long with no money or help with the kids.

Agree with this. He's probably enjoying a super carefree time but it doesn't mean he has another family.

Why would he block his UK family though? The blocking is why I think he has a 2nd family - nothing to do with racism.

Because he’s living a single life out there.
because he’s told his parents he and the OP are no longer together.
how exactly do people think this second family have occurred over the course of no more than a few months in the last four years?
how exactly do people think he’s sold the idea to this family that he won’t see them for more than eight weeks a year? After all, it’s a westernised country, probably the US or Aus/nz, where he could easily work.
as OP said, this isn’t one of those cultures where it’s common to work abroad to bring home to the family who are often there by arranged marriage.

Send him a final message to tell him he's not welcome in your home whenever he decides to return.

Start the separation process. Fuck him.

I don’t agree with a PP suggesting it’s racist to suggest he might have a second family. The OP asked for any thoughts on what might be going on. And a second family is a reasonable thought to suggest. Nothing racist about it all. The OP herself also wonders if it’s possible he has another child to support. It would explain the absences and it would explain where the money is going to. OP has been careful not to name his country of origin and she made clear quite early on that that he is from a westernised country with a westernised culture. He could be from Switzerland for all we know but still have a love interest there and maybe a child.
So, given the OP is asking for thoughts, it is neither unreasonable nor racist to try to suggest reasons for her dilemma. That’s what she came here for.

Change the locks and file for divorce before he comes back! Get a pay as you go sim to text him telling him not to bother coming back then block him and deal with him through a solicitor. They'll be able to block the house being sold etc.
What has he said when you've questioned him?
He's an abusive horrible mans and doesn't deserve a family. What type of man blocks his wife and kids!

So, if he's also done this in previous years, what happens when he finally rolls home? You put up a 'welcome' banner, cook him a celebratory dinner and then go to bed with him?
How does the conversation go? "Did you have a nice time?" "How are your mum and dad," "I missed you."
"Oh, and by the way, we're in mortgage arrears. Any chance you could sort that out, now you're back?"
What is his attitude? Defensive? Dismissive?

There’s a difference though between wondering if he could have fathered another child (whether that be abroad or here) during a one night stand and be paying to support it, and stating to the OP almost as fact “he has another wife and family.”.

The first is infinitely possible.

The second,is highly unlikely given the timescales etc involved here.

But as this is MN people are going down all sorts of roads saying things like “he has another wife/ring the school and tell him you are his second wife/you’re his secret family/if he’s from Asia/africa/a Muslim country they’re all at it.

Is he on social media? If so, have a look at his family and friends and try and look on their profiles to see if there are any pictures of him when he is away with his family.

If you have been blocked by them, set up a new email address and create a new profile.

Get all your paperwork organised and speak to a solicitor. First meeting is usually free.

It could easily be another family. He could be telling her he works away all year and can only see her summer and Christmas holidays. Could even have children you don't know about and who are being included by his parents while yours are kept hidden.

Whatever is or isn't going on, yes the scenarios mentioned are plausible but they're guesses and not really the point. The point is he disappears for long periods every year for the last few with no way of contacting him. It's disrespectful and worse abusive. As has been mentioned, what if something serious happened and the OP or the DC got ill or ran out of money? Where would they turn then?

He's obviously told his family something untoward as the OP's unable to contact them. Again, it's guesswork.

The facts are he's checked out and one way or another is having the best of both worlds. I'm so sorry but you can't rely on somebody like this and would be wise to put yours and the DC's priorities first, even though it's very difficult.