Page 13 | H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

spiegelis · 2024-08-13T12:20:43+00:00

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man). He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

MounjaroUser · 15/08/2024 14:13

If you have the money I would spend it on a private detective in that country, just to satisfy my own desire to know what the hell is going on.

I'd be very tempted to put the house up for sale and be gone by the time he got back.

Do you know whether the country he's in is part of the Geneva Convention?

Original poster

spiegelis · 15/08/2024 14:25

MounjaroUser · 15/08/2024 14:13

If you have the money I would spend it on a private detective in that country, just to satisfy my own desire to know what the hell is going on.

I'd be very tempted to put the house up for sale and be gone by the time he got back.

Do you know whether the country he's in is part of the Geneva Convention?

Yes, part of the Geneva Convention.

House is jointly owned, I cannot legally sell it.

OP posts:

80s · 15/08/2024 14:58

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 14/08/2024 14:58

I am genuinely bemused that people think it’s even remotely possible he has a second family.

In fact I’d go so far as to say there’s an element of racism in that assumption, given people are automatically assuming that the h must be from one of those cultures or religions or countries where this practice is commonplace, people seem to be overlooking the fact that the OP has said he’s from a western culture outside of Europe.

If the OP had put in her original post “my DH goes to see his parents in the US/canada/australia every summer and every Christmas and has done for the past four years, and when he gets there he blocks me, nobody would be suggesting that he had a wife and kids (apparently established in the eight weeks a year he’s been away in the past four years). People would be saying he’s an arsehole (which he is), people would be saying he’s probably going over there hoping to live the single life while he’s there. Another wife and kids wouldn’t even enter people’s thinking. Because another family, who he has presumably only met six times in the past three years (presumably it wasn’t instant marriage?) isn’t remotely plausible.

I suggested it because, as I said, a family member had that happen to her. Her dp went off regularly for long periods of time "on business to his country", and she discovered that in fact, he had a second family - actually not even in the other country; in the UK.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/08/2024 15:25

spiegelis · 15/08/2024 14:25

Yes, part of the Geneva Convention.

House is jointly owned, I cannot legally sell it.

Show quote history

Do you mean the Hague Convention which has to do with children being taken to another country?

From wiki:

"The Geneva Conventions extensively define the basic rights of wartime prisoners, civilians and military personnel; establish protections for the wounded and sick; and provide protection for the civilians in and around a war-zone."

AcrossthePond55 · 15/08/2024 15:57

@AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime

I think it's possible, maybe not probable, but definitely possible that he has if not an actual second family (ie married with children) then a second 'serious relationship' and possibly a child from it.

Of course, a simpler explanation would be that there's no other woman/other life and that he's simply told his family that he's staying married 'for the kids'. He may have said that OP is a 'crazy bitch' or has cheated on him but that he needs to keep his UK job and UK life as it's the only way to see his children as OP has threatened that he'll 'never see them again' if he leaves her and due to Hague he can't move them to <insert country>. And that his trips 'home' are because he 'needs to get away from her to keep his sanity', and that she 'won't let' him bring the DC for a visit. That'd give his family plenty of reason to hate OP and to be NC with her, wouldn't it? And it would allow him to live a 'bachelor life' in wherever it is they live.

But let's follow the 'new family' thread, shall we? This has been going on for 4 years according to OP. It's possible that in the year or two beforehand he met and 'courted' someone else then in the 1st year of blocking OP either married them or moved in with them. As far as a 'cover story' for only being around every 6 months (Xmas hols & summer hols), he could have come up with any number of cover stories, including working in a 'secret' job for a Govt*, working 'offshore', or in a 3rd world country. But we also don't know that he's not in communication with this other person when he's in the UK. Second phone, communication at odd times, it's all been done before by cheaters.

God knows, there are enough women who appear gullible enough to believe any story that will allow them to 'keep' their current life so this erstwhile 'OW' may swallow his bullshit hook, line, and sinker. We've seen threads right on MN where women seem to believe the most improbable lies in order to not admit to themselves that a man they are married to or 'entangled with' is cheating, gambling, stealing from them, drinking/drugging, and God knows what else. OP herself has at least 'half believed' for these past 4 years that these have been 'simple family visits, only now her mind has 'woken up' and she sees it all too clearly.

It would be pretty easy for this man to lead a double life, especially if his own family is aiding and abetting by keeping his UK family a secret. But I tend to think that he's told them he and OP are divorced and asked them not to communicate with her because, you know, she's 'a crazy bitch'. It sounds as if they didn't like her to begin with, so it probably wouldn't take much persuading on his part to convince them to go NC.

*Had a friend whose BF convinced her he worked 'undercover' for the FBI. She swallowed it even though it really didn't make sense with his lifestyle and the way he behaved. Not to mention it's highly unlikely that a real UC agent would tell a GF that he worked UC in the first place. No surprise when he turned out to be married.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/08/2024 17:44

80s · 15/08/2024 14:58

I suggested it because, as I said, a family member had that happen to her. Her dp went off regularly for long periods of time "on business to his country", and she discovered that in fact, he had a second family - actually not even in the other country; in the UK.

Show quote history

Bigamy isn't that unusual.

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/probe-launched-after-convicted-bigamist-33030753

WearyAuldWumman · 15/08/2024 17:46

AcrossthePond55 · 15/08/2024 15:57

@AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime

I think it's possible, maybe not probable, but definitely possible that he has if not an actual second family (ie married with children) then a second 'serious relationship' and possibly a child from it.

Of course, a simpler explanation would be that there's no other woman/other life and that he's simply told his family that he's staying married 'for the kids'. He may have said that OP is a 'crazy bitch' or has cheated on him but that he needs to keep his UK job and UK life as it's the only way to see his children as OP has threatened that he'll 'never see them again' if he leaves her and due to Hague he can't move them to <insert country>. And that his trips 'home' are because he 'needs to get away from her to keep his sanity', and that she 'won't let' him bring the DC for a visit. That'd give his family plenty of reason to hate OP and to be NC with her, wouldn't it? And it would allow him to live a 'bachelor life' in wherever it is they live.

But let's follow the 'new family' thread, shall we? This has been going on for 4 years according to OP. It's possible that in the year or two beforehand he met and 'courted' someone else then in the 1st year of blocking OP either married them or moved in with them. As far as a 'cover story' for only being around every 6 months (Xmas hols & summer hols), he could have come up with any number of cover stories, including working in a 'secret' job for a Govt*, working 'offshore', or in a 3rd world country. But we also don't know that he's not in communication with this other person when he's in the UK. Second phone, communication at odd times, it's all been done before by cheaters.

God knows, there are enough women who appear gullible enough to believe any story that will allow them to 'keep' their current life so this erstwhile 'OW' may swallow his bullshit hook, line, and sinker. We've seen threads right on MN where women seem to believe the most improbable lies in order to not admit to themselves that a man they are married to or 'entangled with' is cheating, gambling, stealing from them, drinking/drugging, and God knows what else. OP herself has at least 'half believed' for these past 4 years that these have been 'simple family visits, only now her mind has 'woken up' and she sees it all too clearly.

It would be pretty easy for this man to lead a double life, especially if his own family is aiding and abetting by keeping his UK family a secret. But I tend to think that he's told them he and OP are divorced and asked them not to communicate with her because, you know, she's 'a crazy bitch'. It sounds as if they didn't like her to begin with, so it probably wouldn't take much persuading on his part to convince them to go NC.

*Had a friend whose BF convinced her he worked 'undercover' for the FBI. She swallowed it even though it really didn't make sense with his lifestyle and the way he behaved. Not to mention it's highly unlikely that a real UC agent would tell a GF that he worked UC in the first place. No surprise when he turned out to be married.

Edited

Reminds me of this story:

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/tv/other/scots-mum-conned-out-of-200k-by-bigamist-husband-speaks-out-in-new-documentary/ar-AA1iWoiY

MSN

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/tv/other/scots-mum-conned-out-of-200k-by-bigamist-husband-speaks-out-in-new-documentary/ar-AA1iWoiY

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 15/08/2024 18:12

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 14/08/2024 14:58

I am genuinely bemused that people think it’s even remotely possible he has a second family.

In fact I’d go so far as to say there’s an element of racism in that assumption, given people are automatically assuming that the h must be from one of those cultures or religions or countries where this practice is commonplace, people seem to be overlooking the fact that the OP has said he’s from a western culture outside of Europe.

If the OP had put in her original post “my DH goes to see his parents in the US/canada/australia every summer and every Christmas and has done for the past four years, and when he gets there he blocks me, nobody would be suggesting that he had a wife and kids (apparently established in the eight weeks a year he’s been away in the past four years). People would be saying he’s an arsehole (which he is), people would be saying he’s probably going over there hoping to live the single life while he’s there. Another wife and kids wouldn’t even enter people’s thinking. Because another family, who he has presumably only met six times in the past three years (presumably it wasn’t instant marriage?) isn’t remotely plausible.

A friend of mine spent 2 years in a relationship with a white British guy here in the UK. After 2 years turned out he had been happily married with children the whole time and she found out totally by accident. He was telling his wife he was working away frequently, was saying the same to my friend. When we looked back, we totally saw the signs, but at the time, it just looked like a guy who works a lot and travels a lot including abroad. They were planning a wedding. When I thought a second family, I was not imagining a Pakistani guy having an arrange marriage or whatever, I actually thought a white dude who has two families in two different countries, for whatever reason.
A friend of mine, another white male, lives permanently in one country and has been for 7 years since he went there to work as the salary was very good, his wife never joined not to disrupt kids education, he is sending money to his wife and seeing her and the kids 2-3 times a year. The difference is that they come and visit once a year as well. I know of a number of my dad's friends who work (we're white, before you ask) who have managed to maintain a family in our home country, and have had very long term relationships when they travel abroad, one or two have kids as well. Many of these women don't know the men are married with kids. Neither do the wives.
So I can totally see another amily as a strong possibility.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 16/08/2024 09:08

Well, @AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime , for some reason I have been assuming the guy is white south African or possibly Australian or New Zealand and I definitely think he has another family and has been spinning his family and new family a line about OP and the children. So no, certainly for me nothing to do with some vague racist "culture" thing at all.

SquatWeightaMinute · 17/08/2024 11:49

@AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime my ex-FIL had two families, he was white and had both families in the UK. Worked away during the week stayed with his new family and returned home at the weekends to the original family. New family knew about orginal family but orginal family had no idea.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 17/08/2024 13:40

But there is a vast difference between someone who works away from home every week and returns home every weekend. And someone who has gone away for the summer and Christmas four times.*

The former has time to build up a relationship, build up a marriage, have some kids, and they see each other regularly.

Assuming the DH in this situation has a wife and family and they married the first time he went over four years ago, they’ve seen each other eight times in four years.

There’s no question he’s a bastard. He may even see someone regularly when he goes over there. But “another wife and family” just isn’t a plausible explanation compared to other explanations e.g. taking money to set up savings for when he leaves; having told his parents he’s separated and playing the singleton while out there; there’s no doubt he’s checked out of the marriage and did so a long time ago, but IMO it’s still highly implausible that he actually has another wife and kids obtained over at most eight times in four years.