H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

[spiegelis]

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

what do you mean?

It is easy to keep the two married situations separate. If he has never registered his UK marriage with his embassy and lies on his passport application that he is single/ not married in the UK, they won't know in their local country

Start putting your energy into filing for divorce on line. Start the benefit claims.

Do you receive the child benefit for all the DC?

Sure the house may have to be sold etc.

You are not aiming to get to the bottom of it? I would if it was me

If there is a second family, I would guess they all live with his parents.

You are his second family. He has a wife ad children in his country.

The EU used to share data with Britain. For any cases as such your might be, for mothers who have their kids taken here but fled in France, for criminals fleeing, etc. There is a service which should be able to help you. You are treated like total rubbish by your husband and will do nothing?!

Is the culture Asian? I ask this as a pakistani. He may have a second wife back home

@spiegelis can you just put the house on the market and move out?? before he comes back. not tell him where you are and just block him on yours and childrens phones? change jobs and schools? move to family? Honestly, I would have been out there after the first year when he did that and every year after that. you are being a wimp letting him do this to you! I know the house will be jointly owned but try or even put it up for rent and get a tenant in before he comes back!

OP has said his home country/ culture is Western, like hers. Just a different country.

So clearly he’s only here to work. I think your marriage is over, what do you need to plot to end it. The man blocks you and the kids. His family has blocked you. Clearly everyone thinks it’s over, including him;

what a piece of work he is though.

I don't think that the OP is 'doing nothing.' Starting divorce proceedings us surely the best way forward. That way she is free, the family home and finances are settled and she is in a much better place. There's no point in trying to track down what he's been up to as it would require a private detective to get to the bottom of it IMHO.

Is he ok woth sharing.money when he is at home? If you want to play the long game, when he gets back, start siphoning off money from this Sept and make yourself more financially secure. He may be waiting for the mortgage to be paid off before he does whatever he has in mind

I wonder if he has told his family that you are actually divorced. Hence their blocking you.
It does feel like a second family type situation

Speak to a solicitor, be ready to serve papers on his return assuming that the view is that you will in all likelihood be given sole and uncontested custody of the children. Ascertain if he can seek full custody of an able bodied child and split the family. Check that his home country is a signatory to The Hague convention and put the kids birth certs and passports somewhere safe.

In particular find documentary evidence of his extended periods overseas - flights, dates etc. given the familial and financial abandonment this represents.

You can do this. You're doing it already.

It really doesn't matter WHAT he's up to, the main point is that he's emotionally and financially abusive, plus he's neglecting his children.

I agree 🤷‍♀️

Happened to a friend of my sister. Her 'D'H went every holidays back to Tunisia (home country) and she had no way of contacting him whilst he was there. 8 years and three children later, she hired a PI firm to find out the truth. Everyone was telling her that he must have another wife/children, but for years she wouldn't hear it.

Of course it was very true and he not only had another wife, he had 4 children. 2 of which had been born whilst he was 'married' to my sister's friend. Long story short...the marriage was found to be illegal and was eventually annulled.

Horrible situation.

My SILs dad had a whole second family and spent less time away than your DH seems to and neither family knew. Crazy

Exactly what I was thinking!
If you’ve got Netflix, watch ‘The Footballer, His Wife and the Car Crash’.

It definitely sounds like he has a second family elsewhere, but even if he doesnt this doesn't sound like an equal relationship that you're happy in, you and your children deserve better

Do you at least know his parents address/the address where he is meant to be staying?

What would I do in your shoes? I would beg and/or borrow some money for a local PI to investigate what he is up to. This isn't cheap but it's not necessarily thousands either and would probably be worth the investment when you divorce.

Do you have any close friends at all who might be able to help? I mean - could you even taken on some extra work for a short period and get babysitting help from friends if they can't lend you the money outright?

I'd try lots of avenues, even Citizens Advice. You never know what they may be able to suggest.

If you speak the local language there could be things you could do on your own. Is he on social media?

If it is another woman, he's probably not technically a bigamist in this day and age, although it's possible.

Try every angle you can think of to get proof - if there's a local rag get someone to call and say there's a British bigamist in their midst! (lol - get a friend to do it.)

Seriously, you have to get creative but he will be leaving tracks and it WILL be possible to find out what is going on.

I agree that it sounds like he is leading a double life.

Any friend, listening to this story, would want to help you.

He might not have more children, he may just be with another woman in a relationship.

It really does sound like he's told his family that you have split up, hence why he blocks you and not the kids, but then blocks the kids if you use them to contact him.

You've not seen them for 7 years, and he's been acting strange for 4. I bet he's found someone else, online or whatever, and is playing happy families back in his home country.

On the flip side, he's telling them that he has to stay working in the UK, for the sake of his children here, or because he can afford to send more money "home" but spends the longer holidays there because that's "their time" with him. Meanwhile they're all oblivious to the fact that he's living a full, married life in the UK with the mother of his children.

Is there a way you can search public records in his home country? Property, births, marriages, etc? I'd be looking him up anywhere I could.

I'd also be looking through everything at home, looking for any sort of paperwork he might have left in the UK - income, bank statements, anything. Not so easy nowadays with a lot of stuff coming electronically. Does he have a computer or the like that he might have saved login details on that you can get into? I have gone "paperless" at home and shred everything that comes in, but I save scanned copies to a OneDrive that my DH could access if he really needed to.

Something tells me he's going to have everything squirreled away where it's difficult to find though...