I have no one in real life to talk about this with. Please help me to feel better about it.

[ThisIsJustShit]

My daughter's dad and I separated when she was 6. He has since remarried. We've always been amicable but I've never been allowed to meet his new wife. They've been together for 10 years and married for the last 2. By all accounts, my daughter had a great relationship with her when she was younger but, in recent years, she's said she doesn't always feel welcome. I don't have an lssue her dad's wife.

He's been a reasonable dad to her during those years. But, unfortunately a bit of a (literal) Disney Dad. She knows and she can see it. She used to complain a lot that when she saw him, he wouldn't do anything with her or take her out but when he did, t was always to Disnelyland or Michelin starred restaurants so he could "put photos on facebook and look like a great dad" (her words not mine). She's never even had a bedroom at her dad's place because, despite having 3 bedrooms, they wanted a home office (fair enough) and turned the third bedroom into a 'cinema room'. She's always just slept on a sofa bed and was allowed one drawer in a chest of drawers for a small amount of clothes. No personal effects.

He used to ask why she had never taken her friends round or why they hadn't met her boyfriend and she told me it was because she had no space of her own when she was there. So this is not a man who has prioritised her over the years.

He's caused untold upset over the years by messing her about, changing goalposts, making promises he's broken, threats to withdraw financial support from her (not maintenance, he's always paid that - just things like paying for her phone) if she 'upsets' him.

Rarely there for the day to day stuff (eg lifts home from work, supporting through A Levels, parents evenings whatever) but is always good for a grand gesture.

Anyway, we come to now.

She has a good relationship with him, which is great. He's still no different though but she accepts that part of him. That's fair enough too. He's her dad And I've always encouraged it, never spoken badly of him even when she's been having a moan and I've been inwardly eye rolling at him, I've just reasured her that he loves her and it'll all blow over. Which it always has. I'm pleased they have a good relationship.

Anyway, she's currently awaiting A level results in Thursday and university is the next step.

I spoke to her this morning about results day and moving up to university, which is when she told me that her dad and his wife would be taking her up to university when she goes.

I had already discussed taking her up and the possibility of her dad and I taking her up together. But no. She's going to travel with him and his wife and I'm not included.

Tbh, it just feels like a kick in the teeth. She's left for work now and I just cried. I feel stupid. I never cry.

This is probably irrelevant but her dad can't drive anymore for health reasons and he relinquished his licence last year. To begin with, his wife did her dad's share of 'shared journeys' (picking her up from work). But then she decided she didn't want to anymore so my partner and I picked up their share have been doing them all. It just feels like her dad has no responsibility for the day to day routine stuff but when it comes to another grand gesture and a show of super parenting 'for the likes', there he is.

It just feels like all the time, effort, sacrifices I've made mean nothing. All the parenting means nothing because he's come along with another grand gesture and that's what she's gone for.

The worst part is that when I reminded her we'd already discussed going up together, she denied it and said she wanted them to take her and just smirked

I think that's what upset me the most. It's up to her who travels with her. But she'll be moving 2 and a half hours away and I'm not going to see her accommodation or settle into her new room and she doesn't even want me there. I just won't be part of it.

So hard for you OP. It’s hard when they go to uni anyway without this added complication. But you know, and she knows, which of the two parents is the one who’s really there for her.

Turning it on its head, her dad offered to take her and she thought, “Oh that’s so nice that he wants to do this for me. He does care after all.” She probably feels awkward and conflicted hence the smirk.

You can take her shopping for all her bits before she goes and do some bonding over that. And book in a visit after a few weeks to go out for lunch. You’ll be the one doing the rest of the pickups and drop offs no doubt.

It sucks OP but know that you have done a great job in supporting your DD’s relationship with a fairly rubbish dad. He’s the only one she’s got. Plan something nice for yourself on the day she goes. It will be hard but you will get through this.

My advice to you is to suck it up and don't mention it again. I know it's incredibly hard but it's surprising how DC about to start a new, independent life can do and say some really unexpected and odd things which seem incredibly unfair. You are perceiving this situation as her choosing them over you. It won't be that. You might be surprised to learn the true reason which might be something as simple as, she doesn't want to be seen on campus with just her mum. I'm not suggesting it is that reason but just as an example of how their minds work at that age.

So she's made the decision that she wants them to take her rather than go with you. You must respect that. Trust me, at your daughter's age, you are not her first priority. Even the most loving child in the world will enter that self-absorbed stage and won't always consider the effect their actions have on you. She will get over this stage, and things will be fine. Just don't keep on about it to her. If you want to see her accommodation, make a casual comment about how you would love to see pictures of it, and if she remembers, take some pics, but only if she has the opportunity, tell her. No teenager about to go to university will be thinking about their mum all the time.

AlexaON

Thank you. Yes, I have thought of that - that he's offered and she's jumped at the chance of spending time with him.

Thank you.

I can appreciate how upset and hurt you must feel OP

She can clearly see how her Dad has been but she still has a lot of maturing to do.
You’re the one she can hurt as she knows your love is unconditional and secure. That’s a huge testament to the strength of your relationship over his with her.

It’s crap but as others say just wish her well and let it go.

Danbury

No, I know. And I do get that.

But I've spent so much time smoothing things over between her and her dad.

I know him well enough to know that there will be some financial motivation for this too.

She wouldn't just be with me on our own. My partner would have come too. It's actually my partner who does most of the lifts from work in the evening because I have to work from home quite often and he has more availability. I know it's its not about the adults but he's been looking forward to taking her up and see her settled too.

I'd have been more than happy to go up with her dad. But it's the fact not even her dad hasn't even considered that I might want to be part of it.

I just think it's her parents who should be taking her as much as anything.

I'm not going to mention it again. She's made her choice.

It sucks. And okay to have a cry better out than in. You will be able to go up a few weeks later with some home gifts and be shown round. He won’t change and she knows you’ve always been the most amazing mum.

An old friend of mine had a great relationship with her daughter. They did everything together and the absent father paid for nothing, messed her around and let her down. The father is a semi famous artist.

When the daughter went to university the daughter dropped her mother like a hot potato.

My friend was paying for a private unfurnished flat, paid all of the bills including her phone, fully furnished the flat and gave her a generous allowance for clothes and make up etc and bought her an expensive bicycle.

My friend was upset that her daughter was barely in contact but believed the girl was finding her feet and loved her student life.

When she went up to pick her up to take her
and her friends to a festival (to drive up to her was over 200 miles) she noticed pride of place in the flat was a photo of the girl's father who she had barely seen in years. No photos of her.

It made my friend feel sick that there was no acknowledgement of anything she had done and on the way to the festival her daughter and her friends were obnoxious, and gushing about the dad because he's a minor celebrity.

On the long journey home she reflected on how she raised her daughter on her own from 18 months and had given her the best in life and had been loving and affectionate and now her daughter treated her like dirt but has her father on a pedestal.

Despite my friends best efforts the daughter is now cold and aloof only contacting her when she wants something. She is abusive if she can't get what she wants.

It's a horrible situation as it's her only child.

I hope your daughter doesn't go the same way.

DowntonCrabby

Thank you and I know.

I think I just needed to hear it.

I can't believe how much I've cried about this this morning 😢

I'm so proud of her. How hard she's worked. How mature and responsible she's been. She's worked throughout 6th form to save for university. She's been buying her own stuff for the past year- she's so excited about it.

I'm not really worried about her moving away at all. She's been preparing for this for so long and she's so capable. And I'm excluded from it. That's how it feels.

78Summer

Thanks. Realistically it'll be October half term before I can go up.

The hardest part is knowing that, if she has a wobble a few weeks in, it'll be my partner and me she calls for a last minute emergency visit because that's the sort of thing she knows her dad wouldn't do.

Oh wow, that is a real knife to the stomach. I’d be upset too. You’re right though, there’s nothing for it but to suck it up and not mention it.

She does sound very capable and mature, and that’s on you, so be proud of you.

Plan to go up and visit at another time not too far away.
Maybe visit with a cake before her exams and meet her friends, take her out for a meal and be shown about and feel the pride then.

I think it shows how sad it is that even though she can see right through him she is willing to take any crumb he throws in her direction. It is possible she also hates herself for doing it too. It may also be a financially motivated move on her part if he is offering to support her financially when she is there so she agrees to what he wants in order to get that.

Moving them in is both lovely and very stressful, lugging all their stuff up flights of stairs, everyone in a cramped room trying to help unpack stuff. You can always visit her a few weeks after she has moved in when she is settled which is probably what I would do. Spend a weekend up there, explore the area and meet up with your DD, let her show you her room arranged how she wanted it.

But yes, totally and utterly shit and happens every year. Some Mums take their hands off the wheel and let the Dad sort out the student bank account, buy all the stuff they need or some see this as their last chance to be involved. I do think she is selfish though to not at least acknowledge what she has done to you especially considering all the lifts she gets from you and your partner.

SaintHonoria

How heart breaking for your friend.

I hope not but sadly I can see it (which I think is my unspoken fear).

Because her dad has never had to do any of the actual parenting, there's never been any real conflict between them. All.she has are memories of the grand gestures. Yes, he's upset her plenty but he can also be quite manipulative amd is full of "but it's not dad's fault because..."

We generally have a great relationship but there are, of course, times when she and I have fallen out. But I've always been her biggest supporters.

The problem is that when she has fallen out with her dad, I've advocated for him and ensured their relationship hasn't suffered. On the VERY rare occasion she's gone to him.because of a fall out between us, he's done almost the opposite. Not necessarily criticised me (although I've begun to wonder about that one over the past few months) but he's stepped up with a grand show of 'super parenring' to show that he's nothing like me.

He's a rescuer and I'm more support you to find your own way through.

I would be upset too

If it’s any small consolation, they’ll probably get up there, she’ll make them carry in all her stuff, do all the admin, and then she’ll have them kicked out the door as soon as she can. She also knows that, being a Disney dad, he’ll give her more money/buy her more stuff. Sadly, it’s also likely because she’s still seeking approval from him more than from you. She knows you’re rock solid, but maybe she doesn’t want the emotionality that she’d experience if you dropped her, and knows she won’t get that with her dad, who’ll no doubt be in full Disney broadcast mode.

Oh I am sorry op; it’s not surprising you are upset. I think it’s pretty disrespectful of your ex not to communicate with you about this in advance. When asked he could have said something like, “don’t you think your mum would like to take you?” But equally, I suppose it’s your dd’s choice who takes her as it’s her big day.

I agree with pps. This is one of those times where you have to bite your lip and play the long game and wave her off with a smile.

Don’t take it personally although I know that’s hard. As others have said, it is not a rejection of you but probably something about being seen as “grown up” without her mum there.

And teens do play parents off against one another sometimes. Don’t take the smirk to heart; she probably has very little idea of how much she is hurting you.

When your dd matures, she will gain a better perspective on who was with her for all the hard, boring, difficult bits of life and who was just there for the Facebook photos.

Teens growing up is a marathon not a sprint op and there’s plenty more to come. She will come back to you. And there’s plenty of future occasions ahead when she will really need her mum such as marriage, pregnancy, birth etc. Think of this as just a blip on a very long road.

Bet she will be on the phone to you the minute her dad has left and she will be ringing you up frequently during the first month with laundry queries and asking for your recipe for spag bol. 💐

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am experienced exactly the same situation at the minute. It's not a competition, but you are always made to feel one step behind when all you ever do is make all the sacrifices to ensure they have a happy, settled abs safe life. It's a punch to the gut when all your hard work is made to feel meaningless. Knowing the ex's the way that we do, we know there will be the time that you have to pick up the pieces. I just don't feel like I have the energy or the inclination to be there in such a hurry this time. My life has pretty much been on hold every time he messes up, I don't even mess up but take them on a holiday that's not as fancy and I get treated like the dirt on their shoe. Sorry this is about your post not mine. Just wanted to say I hear you and understand your POV and it's valid.

People want the person that they have less of don't they?
Because they see them less, they want them more even though we can see their faults
And because they see them less, in many cases, there is less conflict because they don't have to do the hard parts of parenting

I'm not sure it was especially kind to share this story with OP when she is already so worried about her relationship with DD.

Well that tells you all you need to know. You are her stability and she knows that. He’s offered her this grand gesture and she’s feeling like now she has some ‘stability’ from him too, wanting to be there at big moments for her. Not realising (either of them) that it’s the smaller ones that really count.

It could be something as stupid as he has a nicer car, or she knows he’ll leave her with £50 when he goes so she can get a takeaway or some drinks later. It’s not about you and your partner who have done what good parents do.

I guess now you just have to continue to do what good parents do, and support her to become independent. Part of that is letting her make mistakes. She’ll probably be really sad when he leaves and will wish you were there for a hug!

On the plus side you’ll get a proper hug goodbye because she won’t be worried about being too upset in front of her new friends. Again, that could even be part of her reasoning. It will be emotional for you all xx

That must really hurt. But there’s nothing you can do. And she probably feels torn, so you have to make sure she doesn’t feel guilty.

Go and visit her after all the freshers’ stuff is over and she’s settled.

Dropping them off at uni is absolutely wretched anyway 😢

You should tell her how much she's hurt you, she's a grown up now and doesn't get a free pass to walk all over someone's feelings. Don't make a huge deal out it, no need to fall out but tell her that you care for her very much and that you are sad to be excluded from such a big milestone. If she goes into the world think its OK not to be considerate to others she's going to have a rough time keeping friends

I agree with the selfish it's not really a side of her I've ever seen before tbh! She's usually selfless to the extreme. It's like, in that 20 second conversation, she became someone i didn't recognise. And i think that upset me too.

He's been a bit push and pull with the financial support he's willing to offer her. It started off with he'd transfer her a set amount each week. Then it was half that amount but on a supermarket gift card so she could only buy food with it. Then it became he'd do it once a month because he was only prepared to fund absolute necessities... that's part of what he does - creates anxiety in her so she wants to please and placate him.

I've had to work really hard with her to address some of the people pleasing tendencies she was developing as a result 😕 (hence being selfless to the extreme).

I've offered to take her shopping and look at bank accounts etc but she said it isn't necessary because she's doing it herself. Like i said, she's very capable!

Realistically, I wouldn't be able to go up for a weekend before the half term holiday at the end of October. Work would have allowed me a day off to take her up there but a weekend away during term time just wouldn't be feasible. And she knows that.

full Disney broadcast mode

That made me smile. Its like you've met him... 🙃

Timetothink54321

Thank you. I hope you're right.