I have no one in real life to talk about this with. Please help me to feel better about it.

[ThisIsJustShit]

My daughter's dad and I separated when she was 6. He has since remarried. We've always been amicable but I've never been allowed to meet his new wife. They've been together for 10 years and married for the last 2. By all accounts, my daughter had a great relationship with her when she was younger but, in recent years, she's said she doesn't always feel welcome. I don't have an lssue her dad's wife.

He's been a reasonable dad to her during those years. But, unfortunately a bit of a (literal) Disney Dad. She knows and she can see it. She used to complain a lot that when she saw him, he wouldn't do anything with her or take her out but when he did, t was always to Disnelyland or Michelin starred restaurants so he could "put photos on facebook and look like a great dad" (her words not mine). She's never even had a bedroom at her dad's place because, despite having 3 bedrooms, they wanted a home office (fair enough) and turned the third bedroom into a 'cinema room'. She's always just slept on a sofa bed and was allowed one drawer in a chest of drawers for a small amount of clothes. No personal effects.

He used to ask why she had never taken her friends round or why they hadn't met her boyfriend and she told me it was because she had no space of her own when she was there. So this is not a man who has prioritised her over the years.

He's caused untold upset over the years by messing her about, changing goalposts, making promises he's broken, threats to withdraw financial support from her (not maintenance, he's always paid that - just things like paying for her phone) if she 'upsets' him.

Rarely there for the day to day stuff (eg lifts home from work, supporting through A Levels, parents evenings whatever) but is always good for a grand gesture.

Anyway, we come to now.

She has a good relationship with him, which is great. He's still no different though but she accepts that part of him. That's fair enough too. He's her dad And I've always encouraged it, never spoken badly of him even when she's been having a moan and I've been inwardly eye rolling at him, I've just reasured her that he loves her and it'll all blow over. Which it always has. I'm pleased they have a good relationship.

Anyway, she's currently awaiting A level results in Thursday and university is the next step.

I spoke to her this morning about results day and moving up to university, which is when she told me that her dad and his wife would be taking her up to university when she goes.

I had already discussed taking her up and the possibility of her dad and I taking her up together. But no. She's going to travel with him and his wife and I'm not included.

Tbh, it just feels like a kick in the teeth. She's left for work now and I just cried. I feel stupid. I never cry.

This is probably irrelevant but her dad can't drive anymore for health reasons and he relinquished his licence last year. To begin with, his wife did her dad's share of 'shared journeys' (picking her up from work). But then she decided she didn't want to anymore so my partner and I picked up their share have been doing them all. It just feels like her dad has no responsibility for the day to day routine stuff but when it comes to another grand gesture and a show of super parenting 'for the likes', there he is.

It just feels like all the time, effort, sacrifices I've made mean nothing. All the parenting means nothing because he's come along with another grand gesture and that's what she's gone for.

The worst part is that when I reminded her we'd already discussed going up together, she denied it and said she wanted them to take her and just smirked

I think that's what upset me the most. It's up to her who travels with her. But she'll be moving 2 and a half hours away and I'm not going to see her accommodation or settle into her new room and she doesn't even want me there. I just won't be part of it.

From experience it’s often the other partner who’s making the decisions and feeding the ex with ideas. Teenagers can be hurtful when they’re leaving for university but as others have said, your dc’s father probably won’t be there for other drop offs and pick ups. Make a date to visit, see your dc’s accommodation and go out for lunch/shopping etc. do a video call and let them show you their room and have a chat. I’m sure she will start missing you and want to talk. She knows who the genuine parent is who will be beside her whatever is going on in her life.

THIS. It's not a sentimental milestone feeling day, it's stressful, hardwork and the kids just want to act cool in front of new room mates and want you to get out of there asap.

Let her dad have it.

Then go for a Saturday in the weeks following, buy her a food shop and anything she needs and take her to do something she will enjoy. That'll be a much nicer experience.

"Tbh, she'd probably engage with that conversation coming from my partner more than me. She's very close to him and has a lot of respect for him."

@ThisIsJustShit so she is prepared to put up with being treated poorly by her dad and stepmum, and is very close to and would engage with a constructive conversation with her stepdad, but there is a block with her mum? I'm sorry OP but just think about what this means. So every other adult in her life can talk about or demonstrate their thoughts and feelings to her except for you? Why is that? Is that the sort of relationship you want with your adult daughter?

As difficult as it is I wouldn’t take it personally. Is it likely she’s financially motivated to go with them if he’s offered to buy things, support her financially whilst there etc? Again him continuing to be the Disney Dad and she feels obliged to say yes to him.

Can you arrange to go the first weekend she’s there just for 1/2 a day take her out for a lovely lunch and see her accommodation? Try to explain to her how much it would mean to you and help ease your concerns to see she’s nice and settled?

It's tricky.

As to why we've never met. I don't actually know. My suspicion is that the version of me she 'knows' wouldn't match with the reality.

We've always co-parented well, communicated appropriately etc but I did notice a significant change once they married. He refuses to speak to me at all anymore.

I would offer to do that but my gut feeling is that his wife wouldn't want me there, she is his priority (even over his daughter) and she's happy to step in and be 'mum' for the day. So he would discourage that to our daughter (eg you don't need 3 adults there, we can do it all, give your mum a day off etc those are the sorts of things he's said to her before). and she will do anything to keep him happy.

I don't want to make the day uncomfortable for her 🤷🏻‍♀️

This isn't the AIBU and I'm sure you know this already, but please stop being neutral about him. She's defending him because you've been defending him. You've set the default.
Talk about people's faults, don't wallpaper over the cracks. It's not good for anyone. I'd be worried that long-term, she'd end up with some shitty partner but keep defending their faults.

Can you think about it like this: he gets all the shit of moving in day (5 minute parking slots, heaving boxes, finding plug sockets that don't work, etc), the cost of taking her to Costco or whatever for essential food, the being told to go - now! - when she starts making friends. And you can rock up three weeks later for a 'flying visit', stay in a nearby hotel, see her for lunch and a walk, help her put the finishing touches to her room, not just put the bloody duvet cover on, hear about freshers week etc.

I get that her attitude seems to suck a bit but she is on the brink of a massive step forward in her life. She's jangled up. She'll revert, don't worry.

Please don't let her see you cry about this.

Yeah, that last minute thing has occurred to me too. It wouldn't be the first time!

It would be very tricky though because of work.

But I'm also fairly confident he won't miss an opportunity to he seen (at university and by his and her friends and family on SM) as the parent who stepped up for her at such an important time in her life.

Could you take her out for a special dinner the night before, have some quality time together just the two of you (or with your partner too), and tell her how amazing she is and how proud you are of her?

And stop advocating for him. In future, if he does anything to upset her, agree with her that it's shit and he's let her down. She's old enough now to understand the truth.

That must hurt so much. I'm sorry. I'm with @StewartGriffin on this.

You've always had her back, as has your partner. She knows that you are always there with unconditional love, but still keeps trying to please DisneyDad and win his affection. You see it, we see it, she partially sees it, but seems to still live in hope.

I think it's ok to let her know how you would have liked to have gone and why. A loving but measured conversation, and then don't mention it again. She needs to be aware that she's disappointed the people who love her so much.

It's a big deal as a parent taking your now adult child to university, and dropping them off. I remember doing it all smiles, and then bawling my eyes out in the car park when on my own afterwards. It marks a big change in both of your lives. Not for the worst. It's just one of those significant milestones that mark an end and a beginning.

I don't think she gets the big deal perhaps, she's so wrapped up in her own excitement.

Whatever you decide, you and your partner sound so loving and caring. I hope that she grows to understand how precious you both are.

Has he said he will take her up and they can shopping for bits when they get there or something - like a bribe?

Can you not suggest you travel up in a separate car, extra space for more of her stuff, and suggest when you all get her settled in you could all go for a meal or something?

I would be heartbroken. To be honest, I would speak to her dad and let him know how much it would have meant to you to get involved and that he should have consulted with you before he offered

I know her.

From me, she'd hear a criticism of her dad and would seek to defend him. From my partner, she'd hear your mum's feelings are hurt and she'd feel empathy but have time to reflect on it rather than experiencing an immediate emotional response.

She spends a lot of time managing her dad's feelings. She doesn't need to feel she has to manage mine too.

It has caused her a lot of anxiety over the years and, as other people have said, I'm the constant, safe one. I think she'd feel anxious if I wasn't that person especially during such a big time ofnchange.

Honestly University is a long run of ups and downs. I only have my own experience to go on as my DC are younger.

When my DPs dropped me off it was a hot day, there were people everywhere, I felt disorientated as if two worlds were colliding, and to be honest I just wanted to get my room straight and meet my flatmates. There was a lot of moving stuff around.

One time that does stand out to me was the Christmas of my holidays in second year when I had come home really ill with flu, having an existential crisis about whether I should carry on with my course, and I had left a really important file in my flat (days before everything being online). My dad drove me back there in the snow to get it even though it was the last thing he probably wanted to do. That really stands out to me even now as to how they supported me.

I loved it when my DPs visited and took me out for lunch although my DM isn't the affectionate type at all. Other students used to get little cards and parcels from their parents from time which mine never did but I always thought would be lovely.

You can connect with your DD in 1000 tiny ways as she makes this transition in her life, this is only one. At 2.5 hours away surely it's not impossible to go and meet her for lunch one day?

She knows you're there when the chips are down which is the main thing. Maybe don't add any extra teenage stress to her by making her feel caught between her parents. You know and she knows that you have done the right thing over the years, and will continue to do so, and that's what matters most.

@PigeonFeatherInMyChair wise words. And tallies with what I've observed in some of my friends whose parents are separated

I also think you should tell your daughter how you feel. Otherwise when she's older and wiser she'll have to live with the fact that she was so thoughtless, and obviously caused you pain.

Tbh, I didn't want my posts to be epic! Or to sound like i was just bitter about the exh. Because I'm not.

Some of the things he's done have been indefensible - such as her not having a bedroom at his house and him not paying her back the £££ he said he said he would. I've not shied away from being honest with her about who he is as a person. He makes it so bloody easy!

What I really meant was that I've reassured her that he loves her - because he does. And I've encouraged her to still visit even when she's been pissed off with him becasie being pissed off with your parents is normal. Maybe I was wrong though?

I mean there was an incident a couple of years ago where she and her friend pierced each other's noses 🙄 he absolutely flew off the deep end and started talking about safeguarding and contacting the police about assault. He terrified her. And he then ended the conversation by telling her what hurt him the most was the fact she didn't feel she couldn't tell him she was going to do it in advance because it meant she didn't trust him to suppprt her.

We both acknowledged he was a dick! But when he can be so emotionally unstable at times, I have to show stability.

We've already said we'll do that, so yes.

I don't think she gets the significance of it, no. I think, to her, it's just a lift!

Galling when I did all the first days at school, parents evenings, playmates, wiping tears, parents evenings etc.

Fair enough. But do please stop saying he loves her. Love isn't just words, it's demonstrating you love someone by treating them well. You don't want her to equate love with being treated like shit.

Her dad's not an idiot. He knows. This is a parenting display.

I've already said, I suspect his wife doesn't want me there and I'm not going to force that on such an important day when we've not even met.

It's most important that she has a stresfree, calm day.

I would also be upset OP, but might there be other reasons?

She's obviously very close to you, her dad has been a let down. Maybe she'd prefer to say her goodbyes to you at home, rather than being left in a strange uni room, where she's trying to hold it all together. It will be easier for her to wave her dad off.

Teenagers aren't the best at articulating what they're really feeling.

@ThisIsJustShit just to saw you sound awesome and she sounds like a bitch in this case.

I think tell her it hurts and leave it. I am sure she knows exactly how rude it is and had a fair amount of self loathing over it.

at the end of the day you can hold your head up high. You have done your best, played with a straight bat. Your Ex not so much. And he’ll never reflect on that. There was very interesting thread about a grown woman confronting (mildly) her absent Disney dad and the dad went mental. Refused to accept any criticism. I will see if I can find it

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4826938-my-dads-wedding-oversensitive-or-right-to-be-upset?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

When we dropped off our DS at uni he could not wait to get rid of us. It was out of the car, his stuff piled up beside him and thanks, g'bye. That was it. We had to leave, NOW, before we could embarass him further, (or in any way) just by bring there.
And I wasn't even a bit tearful.
Never mind that we were also surrounded by freshers being dropped off by their parents. 😄
(And we had a decent car, too. These things are soo important when you're 18/19. Mind you, the car should be impressive but not ostentatious.)
So your ex might be in for all that when she is dropped off. It's unlikely she will want to be taken out to lunch by them, if that's what they were hoping. She will be impatiently wanting to get on with the next stage of her life, meet her new neighbours in halls and hang out wIth them ASAP.
I do understand how you feel, it's an important milestone and occasion but it may not be all doom and gloom. Your ex may feel more than a little miffed in the end...

OP, something I’ve really noticed over the years with my three is that they’ve always wanted their Dad (my DH) for stuff like this, and have told me I can’t go (we have quite a lot of banter in our family).
they says it’s because I’ll get emotional and that’s annoying but DH says it’s because they would get emotional leaving me. They can be a bit more jokey with their Dad but they’d be upset saying goodbye to me. They need to hold it together at something like moving to uni.
just a thought.