Thank you so much for all the replies!
There are too many now to reply to individually but I have read them all and there is food for thought in all of them.
I've been asked a few questions, some of which I've already answered but I'll try and give the info again partly because it helps me to have organised it in my head too.
We split up in the November when she was 6. There was an annual event at Christmas we always attended as a family and I knew he'd want to do it with her so I got it booked in early so he couldn't book it first. Then I realised that I'd have been really hurt if he'd done the same to me (because that's exactly what I was trying to prevent happening).
And actually the most important thing was her and her experience. So I rang him, explained this and asked him if he'd like to come along. He did, we all went and, tbf, we had a lovely day. In the background, he irritated me 100 times and I was incredibly relieved when we got on the train without him at the end of the day! 😁 but there was no tension, we did all genuinely enjoy it. The following year, the dust had settled a bit and we each took her separately.
And that's pretty much how it was. We had a conversation after that and decided we'd always prioritise her so that she wasn't damaged any more than necessary by the break up - it wasn't her fault and neither of us ever wanted her to feel like she had to choose between us. We both still loved her. So she's never had to 'choose'. Although there will undoubtedly have been times when she felt she was doing so (eg I know she felt the fact I was alone at Christmas on the couple of occasions she's spent it with him) but I've always done my best to reduce any guilt she might have felt. Because pps are right, none of this situation is of her choice or doing.
But he is a selfish man (why we split up) and ultimately the sort of person who would do anything for anyone but only as long as it made him look good and didn't inconvenience him. Hence, her not having a bedroom at his house. Or even a proper bed. She had the use of a sofa bed that wasn't even always converted into a bed (she told me). And that has never changed.
He has always known when parents evenings were but chose not to attend. He sometimes told me that he hadn't received the emails so I forwarded mine. Still didn't show. He came to GCSE information evening though and tried telling her she couldn't do a STEM subject she'd been invited to do (it's not one general offer at her school) because it was pointless (and not for girls). She defied him, got a 9 in it and it was her best subject at A Level.
He's done similar at different points in her life for no reason other than he wants some control/input/to feel like hes 'been a parent'. Its all arbitrary just so that he has a measureable input and impact. She ignores him when he does that (after she's gone through the frustration and tears at him unnecessarily interfering and putting pointless and unnecessary obstacles in her way).
Financially, he always paid maintenance which I've probably been grateful of in light of some women's experiences. And when she was 11/12, he got her a GoHenry card that he put money onto. He rang and told me this was so that she wasn't always asking me for money because she'd started telling him about trips to theme parks and popping into Costa after school for a coffee etc that he knew he hadn't paid for and so I must have and he knew that would get expensive. But she got fed up with that because he was always notified of her spending and would question her on it (why had her bill at Costa been the value of 2 coffees and not one? Who else's coffee was he paying for - that sort of thing) and he held it over her as a constant threat, "Well perhaps I won't put money on your card this month then," type thing. So she and I opened a bank account for her instead when she was about 14/15 Because she declared that she didnt want to be linked to him financially anymore.
He offered to pay for half of her prom dress. It was after covid when she'd missed out on all the school overseas trips etc so we said she could have a nice prom dress and we'd go halves. I did the dress shopping with her and he said he'd pay half. But when it came to it, he didn't like any of the dresses she sent him photos of, there always needed to be a discussion before he'd agree, I couldn't afford to cover the whole thing. It probably doesn't sound a much but it went on for weeks. Him assuring her he'd pay but then never having quite enough money, not liking the dress etc. Constant push and pull. In the end, I bought her a dress alone that was only the value of the amount I could afford so, whilst it was lovely, it wasn't any of the ones she'd initially been led to believe she could have and it tainted her experience. Whatever people's opinion of prom and prom dresses, that's not the point, it was her experience of it because of him that mattered. It upset her so much that she didn't want to go to the year 13 prom at all.
He found messages on her phone where she was visibly upset and talking to her friends about it and offloading the way kids do. He threatened to cancel her phone contract if she was only going to use it to slag him off. He was angry and vicious in his words, she was absolutely distraught.
She was bullied at school and begged me not to tell him about it. There have been so many things over the last 4 years in particular that she's begged me not to tell him about because of her fear of his reaction. And justified given his reaction to her nose piercing.
She is exhausted by him. She is under no illusion about what he is like. When i say ive smoothed things over, i mean that ive listened, supported, consoled, and agreed with her that hes being a dick but also not joined in with criticising him and have (maybe wrongly) helped her to not make things worse. Eg if she'd been honest with him about why she wanted a bank account, he is quite likely to have said, "If you want financial emancipation from me, you've got it," and withdrawn all financial suppprt. Over the past 12 months, I've been more inclined to say, "Well, you know what your dad is like. Of course he did that. Its what he does."
As I've said, he has made promises of financial support at university in the way of cash. But the details have been changed, modified and reduced over the past few months arbitrarily and at his whim. She is in a state of constant anxiety because of his constantly shifting goalposts. It also makes her fearful of him saying, "Well, i won't give you anything then," if she brings it up or displeases him. She will be funded by student loans, the money she's saved from working and whatever contribution I can make. She intends to get a job at university. She doesn't expect any financial support from him (and neither do I).
Apparently the amount he owes her is around £800. He allowed the debt to rise and when she finally felt brave enough to ask him for it back, he told her it was too much and he wasn't going to. It seems she's just accepted that.
I've stayed single for most of her life. I refer to my partner because we are committed to each other but we don't live together because we have only been together for a couple of years. But we spend a lot of time together and she and he have a very good relationship. He steps up for lifts etc when her dad doesn't because his attitude is that, if he'd have done it for his kids, he'll do it for her.
She told me earlier this year that her dad makes her buy her stepmum a mothers day card every year. I don't have a problem with her getting her one. What I have a problem with is that it's all bound up with emotional manipulation. It's not her choice. She doesn't feel like she has a 'stepmum/daughter' relationship with her. But her dad insists because of all the things her stepmum does for her. But, if I ask her what sort of things she does with her stepmum, theres nothing, she can't think of anything beyond her being welcoming, friendly and hospitable when she stays.
It's definitely got worse since they married a couple of years ago. He won't speak to me anymore at all. We've never had a lot of contact and it's only ever been about her but it's completely stopped. Whereas we've previously always made parenting decisions together with our daughters best interest at heart (usually with some strong arguments from me) now he makes them with his wife and they are made with his wife's and his best interests at the centre, which has also caused problems.
And finally, a lot of this is compounded by the fact her dad has a couple of health conditions. They're not nice and i wouldn't want to endure some of the treatments but he really lays it on thick with her. None of the conditions prevent him from doing things he wants to do or on a day to day basis but they do flare up now and again and are unpleasant when they do. I've always been understanding of that.
But he also uses these as an excuse for a lot of things, "I'm sorry baby. Daddy couldn't do x, y, z because I've been too ill." So she feels sorry for him and gives him a lot of leeway because of it. Even when she knows about the holidays, nights out, normal life he's been leading at the same time he's claimed to be so ill he's had to let her down. The cognitive dissonance is strong.
Anyway, I'm sorry that's so long but it's helped to get it down, though, and hopefully shows that I haven't been completely wet. It's been a fine line to balance. Her dad is very volatile and she has inherited that trait. He doesn't behave like an adult towards her and engages in a battle of biggest and best and who can shout the loudest where there has to he a winner and has to be a loser. And he's a winner who's not afraid to pull put the big guns.