I have no one in real life to talk about this with. Please help me to feel better about it.

[ThisIsJustShit]

My daughter's dad and I separated when she was 6. He has since remarried. We've always been amicable but I've never been allowed to meet his new wife. They've been together for 10 years and married for the last 2. By all accounts, my daughter had a great relationship with her when she was younger but, in recent years, she's said she doesn't always feel welcome. I don't have an lssue her dad's wife.

He's been a reasonable dad to her during those years. But, unfortunately a bit of a (literal) Disney Dad. She knows and she can see it. She used to complain a lot that when she saw him, he wouldn't do anything with her or take her out but when he did, t was always to Disnelyland or Michelin starred restaurants so he could "put photos on facebook and look like a great dad" (her words not mine). She's never even had a bedroom at her dad's place because, despite having 3 bedrooms, they wanted a home office (fair enough) and turned the third bedroom into a 'cinema room'. She's always just slept on a sofa bed and was allowed one drawer in a chest of drawers for a small amount of clothes. No personal effects.

He used to ask why she had never taken her friends round or why they hadn't met her boyfriend and she told me it was because she had no space of her own when she was there. So this is not a man who has prioritised her over the years.

He's caused untold upset over the years by messing her about, changing goalposts, making promises he's broken, threats to withdraw financial support from her (not maintenance, he's always paid that - just things like paying for her phone) if she 'upsets' him.

Rarely there for the day to day stuff (eg lifts home from work, supporting through A Levels, parents evenings whatever) but is always good for a grand gesture.

Anyway, we come to now.

She has a good relationship with him, which is great. He's still no different though but she accepts that part of him. That's fair enough too. He's her dad And I've always encouraged it, never spoken badly of him even when she's been having a moan and I've been inwardly eye rolling at him, I've just reasured her that he loves her and it'll all blow over. Which it always has. I'm pleased they have a good relationship.

Anyway, she's currently awaiting A level results in Thursday and university is the next step.

I spoke to her this morning about results day and moving up to university, which is when she told me that her dad and his wife would be taking her up to university when she goes.

I had already discussed taking her up and the possibility of her dad and I taking her up together. But no. She's going to travel with him and his wife and I'm not included.

Tbh, it just feels like a kick in the teeth. She's left for work now and I just cried. I feel stupid. I never cry.

This is probably irrelevant but her dad can't drive anymore for health reasons and he relinquished his licence last year. To begin with, his wife did her dad's share of 'shared journeys' (picking her up from work). But then she decided she didn't want to anymore so my partner and I picked up their share have been doing them all. It just feels like her dad has no responsibility for the day to day routine stuff but when it comes to another grand gesture and a show of super parenting 'for the likes', there he is.

It just feels like all the time, effort, sacrifices I've made mean nothing. All the parenting means nothing because he's come along with another grand gesture and that's what she's gone for.

The worst part is that when I reminded her we'd already discussed going up together, she denied it and said she wanted them to take her and just smirked

I think that's what upset me the most. It's up to her who travels with her. But she'll be moving 2 and a half hours away and I'm not going to see her accommodation or settle into her new room and she doesn't even want me there. I just won't be part of it.

Who's funding the university attendance - mum, dad or both? He might have said as he's paying he ought to be able to take her? He might have promised a fancy lunch whilst there? For his socials obviously but she can enjoy the meal and post it on hers too which is tempting.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that you had thought it would be the two of you going together and, as well as having a nice evening together before she goes, would she give you a FaceTime tour once she has got a bit settled in. You can then book in for a visit in October when you said you were free and even say that you could meet halfway between home and uni for a day before then if it's feasible. And then while dad is lugging boxes you can chill out at home!

I agree with all this!

Similar dynamic with my kids Op. They are older now - mid to late 20's, but I recognise so much of what you have written, about your feelings here.

Their Dad earns a lot, but has always been stingy with them. Never did as much as me, in terms of running them around etc, and yet they just won't acknowledge any wrong doing on his part. They definitely want the crumbs.

I did take both of mine to move into Uni, and I remember my daughter wanting rid of me, as soon as all the stuff was in her room, because I was clearly cramping her style. I think she even eye rolled me! After all that back breaking work!

My son went off the radar, taking days to reply to my messages! I felt like I'd been dumped! Horrible feeling. I posted on here about it at the time, and lots of Mum's said they would come back to me (metaphorically) when they were older, and that's exactly what has happened. So please don't worry, this is all normal.

The older mine are, I think they see things more clearly, I have been more present and reliable than their Dad. Adults can see things so much clearer.

I would arrange to go up for the weekend, a couple of weeks after she moves. Book into a nice hotel nearby. Take her food shopping, so she can get bulky things when she has the use of a car. Pay for it. Buy her some treats. See her room, then take her out for dinner etc. Be prepared for her to dump you at 9pm, for a night out with her new friends! 😂I bought wine and magazines, and had a lovely night by myself in the hotel. You'll feel so much better.

But rest assured, she sounds entirely normal to me!! It's a teenage thing, it's not about you at all, it's all about her. She's not even cooked yet, as Judge Judy would say.

I can imagine how upsetting that was for you. I’d have a secret cry too!

Logistically how will this work? Will they all come to your home to pack her things into their car?

This is an excellent idea. 🙌

That was my first thought, or actually probably he offered, caught her off guard and now she doesn’t know how to back out. I very much doubt it’s really her preference, kids really do some daft things sometimes. She knows who’s really been there for her.

I agree with @AlexaON OP.

My kids' dad was this kind of Dad, and would then jump on for any available parenting glory. You need to suck it up. You'll fare best out of it if you do.

My kids are all in their 30s now and know what's what.

Why accept crumbs. Going from some of these posts just telling you to suck it up it’s wonder so many young adults are so dismissive of their parents and I speak from experience and hindsight. I would honestly tell her you accept her decision but then follow up on how you feel about it. Not in a judgmental way or wanting to make her feel guilty or even to change her mind but I do think it’s important she realises the impact of her decision. Otherwise you’ll have a daughter that knows you’ll silently accept crumbs whenever she prioritises people who don’t deserve it. Take that from someone who made that mistake and I wish I could go back and expect more from them because in the end it became intolerable and I lost them anyway to a point. I deserved way more and so do you x

I'd say something, too. Calmly, Quietly. But I'd say it.

Oh please don't say anything. Does anyone here remember what it was like leaving home for the first time? It was stressful, terrifying and exciting all at the same time..

This day is about your DD and no one else. What would telling her achieve except make op's DD feel guilty and somewhat frustrated that she now has to take on her mother's feelings on an occasion when she is already feeling overwhelmed with nerves.

When op's DD looks back on the day, isn't it better she remembers a cheerful supportive mother at home rather than one who is feeling hurt and resentful?

You can't persuade teens to be respectful of you and your feelings though. As though a reasoned conversation will change their mind? They are not operating on logic at that point.

And I'd like to know how you speak to them on this subject without making them feel guilty?

And say you could persuade them and they changed their mind, how could you be sure they were doing it out of love, and not guilt or obligation?

Not being deliberately snippy, I just feel very differently about this.

This must hurt so much

It may be that she thinks she might have an emotional time as you leave, that obviously you are the rock & this will be the first time she has to say Goodbye.
Easier to shut the door on her father !

Breeze

*"Lovely
I ll come up for a weekend in October to see you "

We all have read the stories of friends and family that take the solid support they have enjoyed for years for granted.

Where do people imagine that behaviour comes from?
It comes from selfish entitled people who were allowed to behave like this and were never challenged about it.

I am not saying this is the OP's daughter but I am saying that the OP has been protecting her daughter for many years and perhaps now she needs to quietly stay silent on the subject of his bad behaviour.

No more defending it.
Only a selfish prick would do as he has done.

Does she really want to regularise this behaviour?

Does she really want her daughter to think this is how men behave and all women must do is to pander to it, cover it up, gloss over it?

Does she want her daughter to and up with a similar specimen because his appalling behaviour has been deemed acceptable?

OP, I hope the wide variety of well meaning advice gives you both comfort and food for thought.
Wishing you and your daughter well.

I don’t agree with this. The only reason the daughter has to choose one parent and therefore upset the other, is because her parents are not together, or at least that they can’t both do the big life moments together despite being divorced. This is not her fault.

And the OP is rightly upset at not being chosen because she knows she’s been the more devoted parent. Again, not the daughter’s fault. I assume she loves both her parents and she’ll have her own reasons for her decision. For the OP to explain why she’s upset would be pretty difficult without being negative about the dad. He might not deserve to be prioritised in the OP’s eyes, but she has to accept the daughter’s decision without making her feel guilty for a situation that is not of her making.

@ThisIsJustShit I think you are too far too passive and the time to start showing your feelings is now.

1). I would be having words with dd. I would advise her that you are very hurt (or through your husband, whatever gets the job done).

2). My assistance would stop outside the front door. If her father is doing the job, her father is doing it. That’s her choice. Cleaning messes by you now happens only after she has dealt with her father as far as is practicable and I would decide exactly how much of the mess I would clean up and how much I would walk away from. The rest isbetween her and her father. Leave her to it.

3). Start being more realistic in your interactions with dd re exh. Stop giving him what seems to be a gentle pass.

4). You are her mother. You deserve recognition and respect! I have said it before and I will say it again here now. Sometimes, teenagers do need gentle explanations and guidance. Sometimes, like now, they need a slap in the face with a wet fish. If I sound like I am on my high horse on your behalf, it’s because I am.

5). Is part of her budget dependent upon his promises re financial support?

Every word of this resonates with me. I remember when my eldest DD first went off to university even though it was back in 2013. It feels like it was yesterday. I too just managed to hold it together until I was out in the car park and I then fell apart. It was a good thing that DH was there to drive home. He's more measured than me in that sort of situation.

I really don't see that it would be such a bad thing to let her know in a gentle and measured conversation how sad you are that you won't be playing your full part in this special moment that you have been helping her build towards for so many years. Personally, I just would find it impossible to hide as it would hurt so much. Perhaps get your partner to speak with her, as you have said she might listen to him.

That said though, I did also come to understand the person who describes how uni drop offs are simply drop and go with little else, and to let their DH get on with it. I reached that point too, but not for the first one. That was a rite of passage for all of us.

I do also agree that you need to stop glossing over any of the crap from your ex when he displays poor behaviour towards DD. Call it out for what it is.

I can hopefully offer some perspective.

For me it was sort of the opposite - my dad was my constant, he is and was my best friend, the best man I've ever met, the person who did 90% of parenting me, an absolute legend.

My parents split up when I was in primary school and I lived with him. If it matters, neither parents remarried. When I was a teenager I would jump at the chance to spend an afternoon with my mum doing our nails (on a specific occasion I forgot that I had plans with my dad in favour of going to the salon with my mum) , even though I loved my dad much much more, was closer to him, trusted him more and in many ways preferred spending time with him. In hindsight I think it was partly about being thrilled that my mum does want to spend some time with me and jumping at the chance of 'something different' - my dad was always willing to spend time with me, every weekend we did something, every evening after school he'd be willing to discuss my day, whereas my mum disappeared and reappeared.
Of course every single relationship is different and it'll never be the same for me as it is for your daughter because... we're different people. But hopefully just an example of how it absolutely doesn't mean she favours your ex or I favoured my mum.

I'm in my late 20s now, married and have a DC. My dad was the first person to meet my DC after my DH. He was also the only person I told when I had a very real pregnancy scare at uni, he was chief advisor during many uni relationships and a particularly sad breakup whereas my mum had no idea about any boys until my husband (she found out about a year in), he was the first person I rang when I got my graduate job and the first person I told after my husband when I finally had a positive pregnancy test. So no, it doesn't mean you'll always be second to dad for big events.

I agree largely with this too. She's hurt you. She should be aware of that and she should care about it.

This thread shows the tightrope us single parents have to walk all of the time.

Not to slag the dad off ("The problem is that when she has fallen out with her dad, I've advocated for him and ensured their relationship hasn't suffer"), not to say how we feel ("she has to manage her dad's emotions, I don't want her to feel she has to manage mine too") and then if we ARE in the right to feel upset - and you definitely are @ThisIsJustShit - then the time is never "right" to say how we feel.

So as women (generally) another situation where we are made to shut up and put up. Become people pleasers. This is what you are teaching your daughter if you just keep quiet.

This is the right time to stand up for your feelings. She has 3/4 weeks before she goes. You dont have to be over-emotional, but she is old enough to know how her decision has made you feel. She is 50% his DNA, and his DNA appears to be a cold-hearted, selfish dick. It sounds like everything has always gone his way.

Now maybe a good time for you to tell her how you feel before that 50% of him in her becomes entrenched and she feels it is acceptable to decide what she has, trampling on your feelings.

I think you should definitely stop sticking up for him to her. What's the point of that?

I really feel for you OP and am not surprised you are upset about this Disney Dad behaviour...but you've already had loads of good advice about how to deal with this.
One thing: I remember very fondly going shopping with my daughter for things that she might need when she left for Uni...just simple moments like looking for towels, toiletries, duvet covers etc.

I’m sad for you. This really is not fair. Your ex is a cf. All the organisation for going to uni - all the work of washing stuff, buying stuff etc organising everything, packing - that would have been you in the background doing the heavy lifting whilst Disney dad gets the photo opportunities. Let your dd get her things ready by herself and shopping purchased by her dad. Don’t do this big work. Tell your dd no problem I’ll visit in the term time. Tell her dad that it’s helpful to you that he and his wife are now doing the university trips - I bet he’s not thought of that! Not just one trip but potentially six round trips a year. The summer will be good as it’s always a hassle to get good parking to collect the years belongings. Tell him how great this help is. I bet he won’t like how much it helps you (don’t say that you’re sad). I bet he backs down.

You've had a lot of conflicting advice about how to talk to your daughter about it but at least nearly everyone is in agreement that they can understand your hurt feelings even if some have tried to make you feel better by pointing out that it's not all it's cracked up to be.

To some extent, this decision might have 'natural consequences' for your DD anyway. The day itself, fetching and carrying and then clearing off as soon as possible, is not really compatible with people-pleasing and I'd be very surprised if your DD doesn't end up feeling a bit uncomfortable on the day and wishing you were there because she'll trust that you would centre her needs whereas she'll probably feel a bit of a burden to placate her Dad's needs so he can do his performative parenting. That is sure to be an unwelcome distraction on the day.

I hope you can find a way to talk to her. You'd be modelling how to talk to somebody you love when they hurt your feelings, which is a good skill to have.

She is taking you for granted. You are like a sponge, waiting to soak up all the mishaps when it is convenient. She loves you but wants to impress and stick with the parent who is aloof with her at points. Let her do that uni run with him. And pull back from doing anything for her in the run up. Nobody likes being taken for granted. And if you keep on doing more and more, the more they expect.

@ThisIsJustShit you've had lots of advice on this thread, so I'll chuck in my tuppence worth!

In your shoes I wouldnt say anything to DD about your hurt. She has been thoughtless in the way she has expressed the plan but at the same time perhaps she knows that uni drop off is not a big thing.

Uni drop off is really just belting up and down stairs, throwing stuff into their room then go and park up. When eldest went she couldnt get rid of me fast enough. She didnt want to be taken out for lunch, she just wanted to get into it.

When she goes I do strongly advise keeping in contact even if it does feel one-sided. One of my big memories of student days was the weekly letter from my dad (pre-internet days). News from home, his thoughts on this and that. Being written I could enjoy them at my leisure.

I know someone else also told you to suck it up and don’t mention it again but whilst I think it’s important not to make an issue about it, I think you should also be careful not to give the impression that you don’t care or are indifferent. It’s not true that only her father is excited about her future and wants to support her move and it’s important that she knows that. Otherwise before you know where you are, the story will be that her father put in all the work and you weren’t interested. Let her know that you’re disappointed but don’t labour it then arrange to see her up there after a few weeks.