I have no one in real life to talk about this with. Please help me to feel better about it.

[ThisIsJustShit]

My daughter's dad and I separated when she was 6. He has since remarried. We've always been amicable but I've never been allowed to meet his new wife. They've been together for 10 years and married for the last 2. By all accounts, my daughter had a great relationship with her when she was younger but, in recent years, she's said she doesn't always feel welcome. I don't have an lssue her dad's wife.

He's been a reasonable dad to her during those years. But, unfortunately a bit of a (literal) Disney Dad. She knows and she can see it. She used to complain a lot that when she saw him, he wouldn't do anything with her or take her out but when he did, t was always to Disnelyland or Michelin starred restaurants so he could "put photos on facebook and look like a great dad" (her words not mine). She's never even had a bedroom at her dad's place because, despite having 3 bedrooms, they wanted a home office (fair enough) and turned the third bedroom into a 'cinema room'. She's always just slept on a sofa bed and was allowed one drawer in a chest of drawers for a small amount of clothes. No personal effects.

He used to ask why she had never taken her friends round or why they hadn't met her boyfriend and she told me it was because she had no space of her own when she was there. So this is not a man who has prioritised her over the years.

He's caused untold upset over the years by messing her about, changing goalposts, making promises he's broken, threats to withdraw financial support from her (not maintenance, he's always paid that - just things like paying for her phone) if she 'upsets' him.

Rarely there for the day to day stuff (eg lifts home from work, supporting through A Levels, parents evenings whatever) but is always good for a grand gesture.

Anyway, we come to now.

She has a good relationship with him, which is great. He's still no different though but she accepts that part of him. That's fair enough too. He's her dad And I've always encouraged it, never spoken badly of him even when she's been having a moan and I've been inwardly eye rolling at him, I've just reasured her that he loves her and it'll all blow over. Which it always has. I'm pleased they have a good relationship.

Anyway, she's currently awaiting A level results in Thursday and university is the next step.

I spoke to her this morning about results day and moving up to university, which is when she told me that her dad and his wife would be taking her up to university when she goes.

I had already discussed taking her up and the possibility of her dad and I taking her up together. But no. She's going to travel with him and his wife and I'm not included.

Tbh, it just feels like a kick in the teeth. She's left for work now and I just cried. I feel stupid. I never cry.

This is probably irrelevant but her dad can't drive anymore for health reasons and he relinquished his licence last year. To begin with, his wife did her dad's share of 'shared journeys' (picking her up from work). But then she decided she didn't want to anymore so my partner and I picked up their share have been doing them all. It just feels like her dad has no responsibility for the day to day routine stuff but when it comes to another grand gesture and a show of super parenting 'for the likes', there he is.

It just feels like all the time, effort, sacrifices I've made mean nothing. All the parenting means nothing because he's come along with another grand gesture and that's what she's gone for.

The worst part is that when I reminded her we'd already discussed going up together, she denied it and said she wanted them to take her and just smirked

I think that's what upset me the most. It's up to her who travels with her. But she'll be moving 2 and a half hours away and I'm not going to see her accommodation or settle into her new room and she doesn't even want me there. I just won't be part of it.

I agree with those PP saying you should tell her how you feel. She is approaching adulthood and it is absolutely fine for you to make it clear how hurtful it is that she is taking you for granted.

I bit my tongue for years with eldest DSD until a couple of years ago when she was vile to both her DF and me. I took her for a walk, explained (calmly) that she and I had to build a relationship because there wasn't the automatic parental bond there and that, when she treated me and DF poorly, I absolutely would not tolerate it, as I would not tolerate anyone mistreating my husband. She was, it is fair to say, shell-shocked but the positive difference that that clearing of the air had was pretty miraculous. She has been far nicer since that frank exchange of views.

Your DD needs a similar wake up call, in my view. I would also leave it to her "D"F to sort all of the logistics, last minute purchases etc and not be the safety net, if that's the route she wants to go down. Might make her see reality a bit more and be grateful for your amazing parenting.

Thanks for all the fantastic responses so far.

I do feel a little bit better about it. I'm going out to meet a friend for lunch now. So I'll see how things are when she gets back from work.

I don't know about these responses - your daughter is an adult now, she has behaved carelessly towards you and hurt your feelings, why wouldn't you simply tell her how you feel, using words similar to those you have used here? Why do you need to pretend not to be hurt when someone behaves thoughtlessly towards you? Why do you have to bend over backwards and tie yourself in knots to accommodate and make it easier for people who are disrespecting you? I don't understand what the problem is with saying that you have done the lion's share of parenting and 100% of the donkey work of raising her and you aren't going to be relegated to the background on important occasions because you are not Instagrammable enough - call it out

I don’t know about telling her how you feel / getting firm with her as pp say. I think that’s unfair. It’s not her fault her parents have split up and she now has to tiptoe round them both to not hurt their feelings. She’s 18 it’s a huge life stage even the nicest kids are intrinsically selfish and self focussed at this stage. The kindest thing to do is to step back and not make this about you.

I totally understand this and would be very upset.
My ex has contributed no time to his daughter's education nor any financial help, at best he sees her on birthdays for Facebook photos.
But he brags about her university place, will no doubt be at graduation next year and I will just have to suck it up.
So so hard, I have no big advice but I understand your upset

I understand why you are upset.
This is a very important time in your dd’s life .
You have made all the sacrifices and don’t even get to enjoy some of the benefits.
I suppose you could see it this way. Your dd always knows that you are going to be there for her and your love for her is not conditional on whether she is ‘nice’ to you, whereas she probably feels that she has to please her father in order to gain his love and attention,
I think that you should be proud that YOU brought up a confident, capable young lady.
She obviously has some maturing to do and in time she will realise how upsetting her actions have been .

Agreed.

This.

I completely get all your feelings, believe me. I still live with Disney dad but he behaves just the same and didn't do anything for them when they were little (even more annoying as they obviously don't remember that!). He also loves big gestures rather than day to day grind!

However, as PP have said, DC know all this really but prioritise them because it's better than nothing - one of my children actually said that once - along the lines of, 'but I know you're always going to be there for me mum'. It's stonkingly unfair but there we are - and I feel a bit better knowing that's the reason.

Having said all that the drop off is rubbish. There are lots of families carrying boxes and suitcases up and down stairs, and then the young people can't wait for you to go really.

Far better to book a weekend a few weeks down the line. She will love spending time with you and actually eating some decent food and sharing all her news. If she's near a city you can maybe discover it a bit yourself. When I go up I don't spend all the time together but plan a few things on my own to give them some free time. It's brilliant.

BTW you sound like a great mum with a very supportive partner. Remember also that teens/early 20s is kind of a peak time when you're a bit self-absorbed. People tend to be more aware of others when they're a bit older so I'd cut her some slack.

Absolutely agree

Try not to feel excluded from it. Be instrumental in helping her prep. Help her choose clothes and mugs and stationery. Get her a little first aid survival kit of paracetamol and tcp and First Defense and Sudofed and multivitamins - all that stuff you actually need when you get fresher's flu or a hangover. Maybe a pretty rug and lamp for her room.

But I'd also have a chat with her and be honest about your feelings without guilt tripping her. Say you were gutted that she has said he is taking her, as she has grown up with you. You have been her primary carer and it is her life with you that she's leaving. That you had assumed you'd be part of this milestone. But he gets to play Great Dad for the Instagrammable moment.

I know many people will disagree with me, but I think part of teaching our children to be empathetic as they grow up is to be honest when they have hurt you deeply. How else can they know? Being a martyr makes you ill and teaches her nothing.

Ask if you can have a significant Goodbye celebration together instead. A whole day together - walking in your favourite local spots, going for lunch or dinner at a favourite cafe or restaurant, buying each other a small keepsake and takimg some photos together.

She'll be packing up from your house, so get some pics of her with all her bags. Will he collect her from yours?
Does he know he'll have to schlep up and down stairs toting loads of bags and struggling to find parking and helping her make her bed etc? That she may feel tense and anxious and be dismissive - teens can get so self-conscious of parents on moving in day. It may not be the glossy day he envisages.
And be prepared for him to pull out last minute, too.

He sounds like a really horrible man - financial and emotionally withholding and manipulative. I'm so glad you are no longer with him, as you sound like a brilliant mother and a lovely person.

Blimey, I'd be absolutely gutted! Do you think he's maybe 'bribed' her with a fancy restaurant lunch, food shop etc etc?
At the end of the day, she's old enough to understand how incredibly hurtful this must be for you.
I know you said you won't say anything but I think your partner should mention it to her.
Her dad's a dick but I expect she knows that deep down.

That's the bit that matters - she knows you will be there.

It may be easier for her to say goodbye to her father than you, also - less of a wrench.

He sounds awful and I'm sure she knows deep down who has always been there for her. Dropping them off is tough too - let the fucker him do the difficult bit for once.

I don't think that you can say to the daughter: I've made all of these sacrifices for you etc...parents do that and parents make choices about what they choose to do.

Others may disagree but I have made the choice to tell my kids when they have hurt my feelings as they've grown up. That I'm a person too etc. It's got to be done in an age appropriate way of course.

I think it's reasonable for the OP to say something here. The daughter could well have grown up with all the people around her shielding her from their feelings - that's not great for adult relationships and she could find confrontation and expressing needs and boundaries etc quite scary. I did and I have tried as hard as I can to help my own children feel more comfortable. Not to panic when someone says they're mad or they've upset them. It's one of the hardest skills to learn. It's maybe THE hardest. But I think the OP has parenting choices and options here.

snap

I completely understand your hurt. I wonder if she feels able to say no or let you down because you’re not volatile and she’s secure in your love whereas with her dad…

While it’s a form of taking you for granted, at least it’s for underlying reasons of security with you.

@SaintHonoria

Jesus, was there ANY need to post that?

100%

She's an adult and old enough to be going off to Uni. She needs to hear that her thoughtless actions affect people she professes to love, people who have always been there for her.

I'd say something, too. Calmly, Quietly. But I'd say it.

I’d be really annoyed and would say so. I can see why you aren’t welcome to go with dad and his new partner, but you should be going instead of the new partner.

If Dad can’t drive then I’d insist on driving and Dad could come as a passenger. I’d make it very clear that I was annoyed and this was going to have long term repercussions. Your daughter obviously doesn’t realise what a big issue this is. You need to put your foot down!

Totally understand how hurt you must be.
I remember a very similar post a year or two back, so you are not alone.
I know the general advice is to be self sacrificing, and accept it, but I feel mothers can be too self sacrificing, and part of bringing up children to be decent people as adults, is telling them when they aren’t treating someone well, even if that someone is yourself.
I would tell your daughter that you understand her wanting a good relationship with her Dad, and that you have always tried to support her in that, but that this has hurt you a lot. Tell her why. Of course we want our children to take our love for granted, but I think she will probably look back in a few years and feel terrible about this, so tell her now how you feel. As a very young adult she is learning, and taking responsibility when you hurt someone you love, is part of growing up.

The hurt is from the choice she's made though, and that hurt can't be changed or taken away.

Time will heal it, I think trying to discuss it with her now will only end in acrimony, guilt and her potentially changing her plans but then the day feeling tainted.

I'd plan something really nice with your partner for that day so that you don't spend it dwelling and feeling miserable.

This. It’s a long drive, then queueing to park, queueing to get a key, lugging stuff, short tempers, and wanting to get the parents out of there asap. I’d rather go and visit once they’ve settled in, started to miss you, and fancy a nice free lunch and a full fridge. Tell you what though, I’d buy her a set of weights, a doorstop, and loads of stationery. I reckon she’ll also need at least 8 fluffy pillows and 6 of her favourite childhood stuffed toys 😊

Gives you more free time to turn her bedroom into a cinema room or gym. It's a win for you

You have been a really great mum clearly.

Encourage her to take as much of her stuff with her, for sure. Make him carry loads.

I can understand you not wanting to upset her but I would be wary of not in any way not acknowledging your feelings.

It is ok to say that "I actually would have loved to have brought you there, but accept that you may want to take the opportunity to be with your dad"....calm, measured, but clear.
The years pass quickly, will you be excluded from graduation if two tickets are given out?
It is not wrong to have feelings and boundaries.
Selfish people don't suddenly sprout up from nowhere.
They were allowed to be selfish by those that raised them without comment.
It is ok to feel disappointed.

Let her go with him for sure but from now on do not explain, justify, negate his bad behaviour. Let it land.

She is making adult decisions and it is ok for you to no longer defend the indefensible In him.

It is possible to be loving and supportive of your child and not be a complete walkover.

Women often accept such poor treatment, suck up so much poor behaviour without comment, and then are surprised when the enormity of it hits them.

It is possible to be loving and caring but with boundaries.
You have covered for him for long enough.
Time to step away from that role.

Just to add too, that your daughter might also be thinking she doesn't want to say goodbye to you in that semi-public situation, in front of her peers, that it'll be too hard for you and for her. Sounds like she's used to her Dad fucking off though, so it'll be easy to say goodbye to him. You sound like a great Mum.

Does her dad expect you to take all her stuff over to his house the day before? I wouldn't be doing that. He would have to put some effort in and pick it up