Dating a non-homeowner

[Sunnydays1974]

I've been dating the most lovely person for around 4 weeks or so. They work for themself and seem to be doing well.

However they rent their current property as they cannot afford to buy.

Should this be a red flag in terms of financial security, especially if things develop between us? How can I judge their financial stability?

Rent is often a lot more than a mortgage! Also, I rent buying in the south east as a single person is hard to do!

I’d say it could make a difference relative to what your expectations are from a relationship.

I own my home and wouldn’t ever want a relationship where I live with someone again. I’d never merge finances with them, so their homeowner/renting status is irrelevant.

But if you’re dating with the intention to marry, it makes sense to be on a fairly equal footing financially Or to ensure you protect your assets.

Too many women go all in with men who are not financially stable and subsequently end up losing what they have worked hard all their lives for when he morphs into an abusive arsehole.

Women NEVER date who make less, there might be the exception where a woman is making slightly more (like she makes something like 32 grand a year whike the man makes 30 grand a year) but thats it.

Well that’s not entirely true. Both my BF and I make six figures but I make about 30 percent more than he does. He is currently somewhat more asset-rich than I am due to an early inheritance, though in time I will likely overtake him, though it won’t be a big imbalance.

At my stage of life and with kids to worry about, I wouldn’t date someone who wasn’t in a similar position to me financially, or on a clear path to being so. Too much to lose to have a partner being a financial weight when I have kids to support.

😆

I personally prefer a man to be in a better financial / asset situation than me.

Imagine the reverse:

"I personally prefer a woman to be in a better financial / asset situation than me."

That man would be called a cocklodger on here.

That’s a very strong “never”! I might complain about my DH on here from time to time (defined as DH although we’re not actually married) but we’re generally sound. When we started dating I earned around three times his salary.

I didn't judge who to date based on salary but I also didn’t want to date another career driven workaholic like my ex-H because there’s only space in a family for one of those and that’s me. It reassured me that he could be the first person to be called by school etc, and he took more time off under shared parental leave than I did.

We discussed the salary difference at the beginning, maintain generally separate finances, but agreed that he wouldn’t feel bad if I occasionally “upgraded” what we were doing if it was outside his financial comfort zone. 12 years later it still works.

Good advice for a man too.

Basically the advice is everyone (men and women) should get their own money and stick to their level, not wanting someone who has more for them to take. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're financially vulnerable and depending on someone else's money to come up.

Nobody wants to lose anything they own.

To be honest OP, I think you're the one waving a red flag.

Hmm. It depends.
DH was on his uppers when we met and renting a room in a shared flat. I owned a house and earnt about five times more than him. It was love at first sight.

He was a millionaire in his own right by the time our youngest started school.

Always glad I saw beyond the first date.

What an awful thing to say! When I met my partner he was in a shared house at 45. Having left a 15 year relationship it was all he could afford where we live, close to the station. He earns £95k. I was recently divorced and living in an air b&b as I couldn't find a rental that allowed pets. Fast forward ten years we still rent, as a choice. We have a gorgeous bungalow detached in a great area wrap around garden. People rent for all kinds of reasons. Don't be so shallow. To buy what we want would be 4 x the price of out monthly rent.

But why would you continue to date someone you thought might take advantage of you? It still all comes down to whether they’re a decent person worth dating.

To take your thinking to its logical end point: if you’re nervous about dating someone with less money/fewer assets than you, the pool you can choose from is going to be very small, as nobody with more than you should date you.

You also don’t have to move anyone into your home or sign away half your assets just because you’ve dated them for a few weeks - or ever in fact. All that is within your control and will continue to be. You can draw up tenancy agreements, not get married, etc. But after only a few dates that all seems pretty far away…

For Pete's sake. Take a look at the prices of houses and interest rates. Because someone is finding those two factors difficult (a lot of people are) doesn't make them a bad person.

My DP was the same! Though he’s not a millionaire yet (still time! 🤣), we’re financially comfortable and beyond happy.

My friend has been with her DP for 15 years. He rented, then lived in her mortgaged property. His circumstances just changed and they’ve bought a house outright, with him contributing 80% of the funds. They are and always have been a team.

Whilst the OP asks quite a basic question, I think the wider issues are worth looking at.

For example, I dated a guy who had just sold his flat (that his parents helped him buy) and spent ALL the equity he'd gained on it going to championship football matches around Europe one summer. He was down to his last pennies, had risked his job by taking sickies for football matches, never going to be able to get on the housing ladder again without parental help (which they understandably said they wouldn't do again, as essentially he'd pissed their previous donation up a wall) and he was living in a house share with strangers.

It was a huge red flag that he was irresponsible with money, ungrateful, unreliable and didn't respect the sacrifices his parents had made to help him.

On the other hand I married a man who was sofa-surfing at the time I met him, due to understandable issues (house purchase fallen through, house sale continued) and we ended up combining our equity and buying together.

So my response would be it's a bigger picture scenario.

Whilst there's nothing wrong with renting or even being between homes, what's the underlying reason for that and are you compatible considering those reasons.

I guess you'll get a feel for how financially responsible they are are the relationship developments.
From bitter experience, it's non issue untill they divorce you.

Morning.

Do I know you?

A red flag for me would be a non-homeowner who still lives with his parents or sleeps on his friend's sofa, but even then it depends on the circumstances. Some men have no other choice if they've been hit hard financially by a divorce, for instance. A friend of mine is in that category and he's a lovely guy.

Even if the boyfriend only has a bedsit in an HMO, he'd still be paying rent and as long as he was paying his fair share on dates, I wouldn't have a problem with someone renting at all.

If it’s renting then I don’t think that’s very good being as your a home owner. Depends why it’s renting I guess, what’s the background to its circumstances?

So you are implying that all renters are by definition dodgy people?

Odd.

Especially in this country where house prices are ridiculous and completely out of sync with many people's salary.

Frankly I think you are the red flag: judgmental and small minded.

Why are you referring to the person as "it"?

Is it? Self is singular and them is plural. Themselves is a word...

Good grief.

Because it's perfectly acceptable English grammar.

@Sunnydays1974 it's exactly what you have asked- is it a red flag because they rent.