Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

Why on earth are you doing their chores?

You need to take a step back. Stop taking their calls at work. Tell them not to phone you.

Take a leaf out of your eldest brothers book & either cut back or cut out contact with them

They can only treat you like this if you let them

What should you do? Get busy with your own kids, your friends and work and stop helping people who don't appreciate you? Why do you make such an effort when the golden child doesn't have to make any effort at all?

I'd quietly go low contact. And if you need family in your life get in touch with your older brother. Plus if any of your children are daughters don't let them pick up on your parents attitude to girls. And don't let your sons learn it either.

I would be slowly withdrawing. How sad but they don’t deserve you. Let golden balls pick up the reins.

Thanks @Redglitter

They're elderly and not in the best of physical health so there's only me to do the chores. I do what I can but that's never good enough.

I've considered trying to distance myself but then I feel guilty even though I feel as though all 3 of them are trying to control me.

I asked them to text me and I'd phone them if need be. It worked for a day as they concocted an elaborate story as to why I was asking this.

I want to be a 'good' Daughter but feel like I've failed them and I know they'll be saying they were right I've amounted to nothing in their opinion.

I'm extremely family orientated but your family sound unusual and mean. Take a large step back, sounds as if you have enough on your plate as it is. Let the Golden Child take on the tasks you do. Anyone can do chores, it's not gender specific.

I think you need to stop being a “good girl” and put your foot down. This is fucking insane.
Speak up. Use your words. Let them know you have had enough of this manipulative shit and all of their behaviour. You are not their cleaning lady or their servant. You are an intelligent, independent adult and you have had enough.
You have your own household to run. You work ft/pt, have your kids and DH (I assume)’s family as well and you will no longer be picking up after everyone else.

They can organise and pay for housekeeper.

Goldenballs can blow in and out and spread his toxic waste - undoubtedly his plan had been to isolate parents from both his siblings so that he can inherit the earth. What a bitch.

Thanks @Choux

I did try to contact my elder Brother but he didn't reply. I don't hold any grudge to him. I understand. I also understand that by contacting any of us it may open up old wounds for him. I do get it from his point of view. I did leave my contact info for him to contact me if he ever decides to.

I feel so guilty knowing if I don't do it, no-one will.

I fear if I miss an 'urgent' call and then one of them needs urgent help, I might not be able to forgive myself and again my younger siblings will relish this.

I wouldn't even slowly withdraw. I'd withdraw now. And I'd tell them why. You should not be in this position. Sounds like FOG. Leave it to the golden child. You deserve a life free of this.

If you know nothing you do will ever be good enough for them, then you could take a lot of pressure off yourself by deciding exactly how much you’re prepared to do and sticking by it. The outcome will be exactly the same whether you’re over there doing things for them every day or once a fortnight, so why not focus your energy on yourself and your kids?

They choose to treat you like you’re not good enough for them, but honestly it’s the other way round. You deserved better parents, ones who saw you as the gift you were to them. You’re stuck in Fear, Obligation and Guilt, but you don’t have to be. You’re worth more than being a drudge for people who don’t appreciate you.

Take a step back OP. You want to be a good daughter but unfortunately you will never be as good as your brother in their eyes. This is not normal and they don't deserve your care and support.

You are being treated as 'lesser' by your parents and your brother, so I would suggest that you take a few steps back and allow yourself to come first for a change. From the sounds of it, they aren't going to change their attitude or behaviour towards you.

What do they bring to your life? From reading your post, it seems that they have always dismissed your worth: they are judgemental, refuse to treat you as an equal and aren't grateful for anything you do for them (add shit-stirring to that list in your brother's case). If you want to go no-contact, then do it, and please do it guilt-free. You've done a lot for them and you've been a good daughter - you certainly haven't failed them, but they have failed you and they've somehow convinced you that you need to keep banging your head against a brick wall to prove yourself. Set your limits and do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your children from their shitty treatment of you.

Lots of people are elderly and frail and don't have daughters to do their chores. They hire help, or get social help, or go into nursing homes or find other ways of coping, like asking their son. And if they can cook and look after their son, they can do their own hoovering and laundry, even if it takes them a while. They can get groceries delivered, hire taxis to take them to places, use a laundry service.

You can never be a 'good' daughter to abusive parents. Your role in their lives is to be the useful scapegoat, the person they can bitch about and guilt trip into doing all their work for them. The same goes for the abusive brother who lies about you: he's not going to change and suddenly see you as deserving a life of your own, because he's using you to absolve himself of any responsibility towards his parents.

Be who you want to be for yourself and your children, not who you want to be for your parents.

Thanks @Sunbird24

I'm starting tomorrow morning.

Decided to answer the first call of the morning, then say I'll speak at lunchtime and then after work. Then I'm intending to decrease this again.

My sibling doesn't get any calls from them and when I asked why she didn't phone him she replied "he's very busy at work". I said I am too but then she ignored me.

I don't want to not be there for them but neither do I want to feel like a fool.

OP, you parents are absolute horrors.
You need to stop any contact with them.
Keep them the hell away from your children too.

They see you as a skivvy and no more.
You owe them nothing.

Block their number and leave their care to golden boy.

You could do with therapy to help you find your anger.

There is a thread Stately Homes on MN that is full of stories like yours.
It might be good for you to read.

Please stop allowing these awful people use you.

Fuck that. If this is true you need to cut the lot of these toxic gits off and stay away.

Stop doing their chores and stop answering their calls. Don't even slowly cut down on this - just stop it now. Your older brother has done the right thing and you should do the same. Leave the selfish golden boy to do everything (which he won't). You owe it to you and your children to get away from toxic relationships.

Thanks @Purplecrush

I'll have a read of that thread.

It's so difficult to break this cycle but I have had enough of feeling like this.

Given they are willing to cut you off if they choose to, you should be able to cut them off as well.

unfortunately until you work on you self confidence and self worth you will continue to be a doormat for people who clearly do not care about you and you are teaching your children that it is ok to accept abuse from people.

you need to work on this need to be a good daughter and break away from this horrible, abusive and mean relationship. It looks like you’ve been conditioned over the years to accept their ill treatment and abuse and therapy might be a good start.

It's time to discuss a cleaner for a start. Can they afford it? If so, better to give someone a job who needs it than rely on a relative.

Secondly, agree that you need to reduce their access to you. Firmer boundaries, less guilt. Be aware that the people who need boundaries are the ones who will complain the loudest when they go up. Too bad.

They need to organise their lives so that they can manage independently, without depending so much on you. It's not your job. And if they can't manage, then they need to go into some form of assisted living.

You do not need to be their private aged care worker. There are people out there to do this work.

You need to use your “DO NOT DISTURB” function on your phone.
When asked to explain yourself.
”I am very busy at work.”
”I am very busy with the kids.”
”I have an appointment” (make a list)
Don’t prioritize them anymore.
(Remind yourself that they have never prioritized you, and are not going to start now.)

Yes they're controlling you! I'll bet your brother is being this way so you're written out of their will! (Maybe I'm just a cynical person lol!)
Sounds like your brother and wife felt they were trying to be controlled and got out quickly
Personally I'd try to set up a cleaner to come and do their stuff and slowly become like your brother who visits less often - don't let the parents rule you, you're an adult now they can FO

They are using your desire to be a good daughter to emotionally blackmail you as they know you are their unquestioning doormat

Seek some therapy AsAP and unwrap this unhealthy and toxic family dynamic. You probably need to distance yourself. Sounds like little brother needs to do some chores

Have a look at this thread, lots of good advice in first post:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5135984-august-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I’d consider being a good daughter when and only when they are good parents rather than the abusive ones they currently are. I think you need to consider what example this is setting to your children and take a firm stand.

I’d only speak to them if they are polite and treat you with courtesy and I absolutely wouldn’t be doing any jobs for them as they haven’t behaved well enough. My mother was like this and I took a big step back and let my brother deal with it more and now she is no longer here I don’t regret that one bit.

My Dad was very different, he loved and respected me and wanted to make my life easier to the extent I think he hid the fact he had cancer as he didn’t want me to go through what I had with my Mum. That does make me sad as I wanted to be there to support him.

Op, I hope you find the strength to take back control