Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

I hope things improved for you @JustLaura

Your wider family seem very gossipy and unpleasant. Not just your immediate family. You need to stop the gossiping. Even though it's them doing the gossiping you've got to stop them doing it to you.
You did also Mention that you were telling a relative some 'home truths' about your brother which you've really got to not do too even though it's very understandable.

It might be an idea to refuse to speak to them or let them speak to about any family drama.

I really hope this thread is helpful. I think you need to try not to get so hung up about what your brother is or isn't doing or saying. It's up to him what he does. He isn't going to change. The only thing you can change is what you do.

By the way is there much of an inheritance? People don't like to admit it but sometimes it's financially worth it to NOT go NC if there is a financial reward. People on Mumsnet hate to admit that but it's true.

I know you’ve contacted your escaped brother already but I recon he’s lumped you all together. Could you write and apologise for your behaviour towards him when younger. You’ve had lots of time to reflect and you deeply regret how you behaved towards him. You were young and immature.